ONS - Pregnancy

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, RKO said:

if any potential future partners turn up in my life I can say hand on heart “ I was told I made someone pregnant, I wasn’t 100% sure so asked for a paternity test and if the father would have supported and fathered the child but she wouldn’t accept one which set off alarm bells”

Do not share this with future dates. It's way TMI. You are overcomplicating all this for no reason. There's no reason to smear her to "future dates" out of anger.

Your screen shots are useless. Only courts can order you to take DNA tests If she petitions for child support. Drop it unless you're the proven father and order to pay child maintenance.

There's no point running around like a chicken without a head for no reason.

[RKO]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do not share this with future dates. It's way TMI. You are overcomplicating all this for no reason. There's no reason to smear her to "future dates" out of anger.

Your screen shots are useless. Only courts can order you to take DNA tests If she petitions for child support. Drop it unless you're the proven father and order to pay child maintenance.

There's no point running around like a chicken without a head for no reason.

Screenshots are more for piece of mind if anything outside of court comes from it, eg her angry father turning up at my door 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

Screenshots are more for piece of mind if anything outside of court comes from it, eg her angry father turning up at my door 

Common sense tells me -of course save them!  You never know.  I am so glad you told your mother.  What I wrote above was if for some reason you change your mind and want to know if you are the father because you want to be involved and/or share medical history/genetic info then of course you should see what your rights are to find out that information.

You know how strongly I feel on this issue and what you have shared makes me feel just as strongly -FWIW - something is really off here with her and I do not buy that all of a sudden she doesn't want you involved/doesn't need your $, wants to cut off contact if you insist on a DNA test.  I mean wouldn't a potential parent at the very least want to know the other parent's medical history if at all possible?  I had to see a genetic counselor as part of my prenatal care and I was asked tons of questions about my husband's medical history, etc.  

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, RKO said:

Again she’s flat out refused, saying she’s not being pressured into it “so that leaves it there then”

 

Im so confused. Do I just accept it, leave it and walk away?

Yes I think you can walk away unless she allows the DNA test. If she knows it's your child then why is it a problem to get a DNA test? I think she's actually not sure it's yours. Just say to her you'll talk to her again once you can do the DNA test. If not this interaction is finished then.

Also if you don't want kids at all you could get a vasectomy. As far as I understand it's actually reversible. 

[Capricorn3]

I would love to know her side of the story.

[MissCanuck]

It seems very strange to me that she would even bother to tell you she's pregnant and insist it's yours if she doesn't want you involved and won't even bother to officially establish paternity. 

Something doesn't add up  with that. 

[RKO]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Common sense tells me -of course save them!  You never know.  I am so glad you told your mother.  What I wrote above was if for some reason you change your mind and want to know if you are the father because you want to be involved and/or share medical history/genetic info then of course you should see what your rights are to find out that information.

You know how strongly I feel on this issue and what you have shared makes me feel just as strongly -FWIW - something is really off here with her and I do not buy that all of a sudden she doesn't want you involved/doesn't need your $, wants to cut off contact if you insist on a DNA test.  I mean wouldn't a potential parent at the very least want to know the other parent's medical history if at all possible?  I had to see a genetic counselor as part of my prenatal care and I was asked tons of questions about my husband's medical history, etc.  

thank you.

yes it does seem off, my mum thinks either she’s picked me out of a possible few that could be the father or that she genuinely wants to bring the baby up alone (one of her friends is doing that through choice) but morally thought to tell me in the hope I would walk away, hence why she’s said several times I don’t have to be involved.

it’s just all very strange but I’m sure from my point of view I’ve done the right thing here

[RKO]

4 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I would love to know her side of the story.

Wouldn’t we all, unless you are insinuating I’m painting her in a bad light and what I’m saying isn’t true? I can assure you it is all 100%

[RKO]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It seems very strange to me that she would even bother to tell you she's pregnant and insist it's yours if she doesn't want you involved and won't even bother to officially establish paternity. 

Something doesn't add up  with that. 

Hmmm, as my my mum said

1: I’m the best choice out of a few possibilities 

2: She genuinely wants to be a single parent but morally felt she had to tell me then hoped I’d walk away.

[RKO]

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yes I think you can walk away unless she allows the DNA test. If she knows it's your child then why is it a problem to get a DNA test? I think she's actually not sure it's yours. Just say to her you'll talk to her again once you can do the DNA test. If not this interaction is finished then.

Also if you don't want kids at all you could get a vasectomy. As far as I understand it's actually reversible. 

Exactly. That’s how I left it, I said it’s non-negotiable, if I am to play a part in a child’s life I want 100% peace of mind with a dna test. I even offered to pay for it.

As for vasectomy, I need to do a lot of soul searching tbh once this settles, it’s been an eye opener on many levels and I need to be clear what I really want from life going forward.

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, RKO said:

1: I’m the best choice out of a few possibilities 

2: She genuinely wants to be a single parent but morally felt she had to tell me then hoped I’d walk away.

I don't think it's this. It doesn't make much sense. 

My best guess is that someone else could be the dad, and she doesn't want to admit it. 

[RKO]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think it's this. It doesn't make much sense. 

My best guess is that someone else could be the dad, and she doesn't want to admit it. 

Yes I also think this, someone who has a hell of a lot to lose perhaps if the truth came out.

I guess time will tell

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, RKO said:

Screenshots are more for piece of mind if anything outside of court comes from it, eg her angry father turning up at my door 

That's horse crap. Stop it. There's not going to be a shotgun wedding. You're making yourself crazy for no reason.

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's horse crap. Stop it. There's not going to be a shotgun wedding. You're making yourself crazy for no reason.

Damn right there won’t be. Hopefully will never hear from Her again 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, RKO said:

Damn right there won’t be. Hopefully will never hear from Her again 

Exactly. Your biggest mistake was chitchatting with her. You have zero to worry about unless you get a subpoena for a DNA test. In fact delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

If you get a subpoena for a DNA test it will arrive in the mail.

Stop doing stupid stuff like trying to disprove things by offering to pay for DNA testing. Stick with the facts. The onus is on Her to prove paternity.

You're making a mess and unnessary paranoid assumptions. Just stop it. You don't have to answer to people about vasectomies or being a "responsible father". Take a break from misinformation and disinformation.

[RKO]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. Your biggest mistake was chitchatting with her. You have zero to worry about unless you get a subpoena for a DNA test. In fact delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

If you get a subpoena for a DNA test it will arrive in the mail.

Stop doing stupid stuff like trying to disprove things by offering to pay for DNA testing. Stick with the facts. The onus is on Her to prove paternity.

You're making a mess and unnessary paranoid assumptions. Just stop it. You don't have to answer to people about vasectomies or being a "responsible father". Take a break from misinformation and disinformation.

Spoke too soon, she messaged asking if I had told my mum who she was as she didnt want her to know who she was.

Said she has a scan picture but isnt sure if i want to see it because of my choice

Said again she wont have a paternity test and its unfair me giving her an ultimatum like that as its stressing her out and ruining her pregnancy...

I again stressed I wanted one for me to know 100%

she said it is mine and shes fed up of me saying this but shes not having one and then said that if people ask she will tell them that the father wants no involvement and its going to be a decision ill need to live with...

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, RKO said:

Spoke too soon, she messaged asking if I had told my mum who she was as she didnt want her to know who she was.

Why not?

6 minutes ago, RKO said:

its unfair me giving her an ultimatum

What ultimatum? As far as I can tell, all you said is that you will offer support if this child is yours. She's claiming she doesn't want you involved and doesn't want your support anyway, so it doesn't make sense why she's freaking out.

OP, I have to ask you - are you sure she is indeed pregnant? When was the last time you saw her, and has she actually offered proof of her pregnancy? Or is this all based on simply what she has told you? Her behaviour here is truly bizarre and makes me wonder what is really going on with her. 

[DarkCh0c0]

9 minutes ago, RKO said:

Said again she wont have a paternity test and its unfair me giving her an ultimatum like that as its stressing her out and ruining her pregnancy...

It's not an Ultimatum. It's your right to know if you're the father.

What if you wanted to be 100% involved? Would she have told you to stay away?

She sounds selfish and immature. Something is off overall with her pregnancy.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, RKO said:

Said again she wont have a paternity test and its unfair me giving her an ultimatum like that .

What ultimatum? Stop talking to her.  Stop talking nonsense. 

Stop playing daddy and talking about scans. 

Delete and block her. What the heck is really going on here? You're suicidal, your paranoid about dad showing up with a shotgun? In the UK?

This whole story is starting to sound like a prank or fiction. It's not making any sense 

What the heck? Mothers don't get paternity tests. Men get them to rule in or rule out who's the father. 

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, RKO said:

she said it is mine and shes fed up of me saying this but shes not having one

I don't know the law in your area, but if you decided to pursue it, the court might order her and then she'll have no choice. 

I realize you don't want to be part of this. However, she doesn't seem to understand that her word is not necessarily the final one. 

[RKO]

15 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why not?

What ultimatum? As far as I can tell, all you said is that you will offer support if this child is yours. She's claiming she doesn't want you involved and doesn't want your support anyway, so it doesn't make sense why she's freaking out.

OP, I have to ask you - are you sure she is indeed pregnant? When was the last time you saw her, and has she actually offered proof of her pregnancy? Or is this all based on simply what she has told you? Her behaviour here is truly bizarre and makes me wonder what is really going on with her. 

Telling my mum her name would make things complicated (according to her) if i decided to not be around. Her telling my name to her mum before I even knew anything is of course ok...

Exactly its not an ultimatum is it? She hasnt said she doesnt want me involved, just told me i dont have to be if i didnt want to as her decision to keep the baby was based on doing it alone.

I mean im sure she is pregnant, I have no proof but she did say about a scan picture sending to me. I dont think she would be that crazy to make it up

[RKO]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What ultimatum? Stop talking to her.  Stop talking nonsense. 

Stop playing daddy and talking about scans. 

Delete and block her. What the heck is really going on here? You're suicidal, your paranoid about dad showing up with a shotgun? In the UK?

This whole story is starting to sound like a prank or fiction. It's not making any sense 

What the heck? Mothers don't get paternity tests. Men get them to rule in or rule out who's the father. 

You're telling me, i just dont understand the issue. If you are 100% sure about something then whats the worry

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, RKO said:

Wouldn’t we all, unless you are insinuating I’m painting her in a bad light and what I’m saying isn’t true? I can assure you it is all 100%

I agree.  There always are two sides- perhaps she recollects something you said or did that night that is factoring in -not saying you did -could be just how she recollects.  Maybe when she told you she didn't remember, maybe she now has more or recalls more information, perhaps someone else is advising her (badly or well, who knows)

You may want to know -and make it clear that if she changes her mind she can contact you.  I would think as I wrote any parent would want to know as much as possible about their child's medical and genetic history.  

So she is also saying she doesn't want your financial help (meaning she is not saying "no DNA but give me $ as I know you're the father")

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, RKO said:

You're telling me, i just dont understand the issue. If you are 100% sure about something then whats the worry

Well, just say to her: "If I'm the father there should be no problem to get a paternity test. Until you allow me to get one you won't hear from me. Good luck". And then stop all communication.

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well, just say to her: "If I'm the father there should be no problem to get a paternity test. Until you allow me to get one you won't hear from me. Good luck". And then stop all communication.

"it will cause me stress because it will be hanging over me with you telling people you might not be the father"

FWIW - I wouldnt