She stopped talking to me because I slept with someone whilst I was single. Seven months later I want to reach out to her. Should I?

[kingba1904]

So, I [27M] started dating a girl [24F] I met this girl, we clicked straight away everything was going so so well. At this point two months in I realized that I wanted to be in my first relationship with her. However after those two months (lets say August time) she told me that she was having family issues on her side and it meant she could not put the energy into building a relationship between us. It hurt but I had to respect it. During that time we would have small conversations catching up with each other to make sure that we are both okay but she wouldn't give into giving us both a try.

One day we then had a phone call and she basically said that I should go and pursue a relationship elsewhere because she couldn't give me any guarantees. Again, I had to respect it. So I decided to put myself out there and met someone who I was FWB with but both mutually agreed we was not in it for a relationship. This was in October. During this time me and the girl [24F] started speaking on the phone more and more and she asked me if I had been on dates with anyone else I said yes at the time. She said it made her a little bit angry inside but at this point I think she was warming more towards coming back and giving it a go, which was the case around December. We had a phone conversation into the night and she asked me a question "Was I sexually active with anyone during the time we weren't together". At this point I said, I can lie about this and take it with me to the grave or be honest and transparent (like all relationships should be) and she reacted completely opposite, she was taken aback from it. She said that she needed a few days to think about this as she couldn't see me the same way. At this point my hands are shaking, my mind mentally is all over the place. I remember the morning after she put up a post in her language translated to "Good Morning to everyone apart from some" which made me feel it was directed towards me. I was so heartbroken by all this but at the same time she called me as well to check on me and my anxiety which gave me hope. But then a few days later she called me to say that she's not going to pursue our relationship any further. Worst news I could have hoped for. During the call we are going back and forth but what stood out to me was the fact I was made to feel belittled and a *** human being. She told me never to contact her again. She is quite a cut-throat person who doesn't hold back with their words so I knew she meant every word.

I was so hurt inside but angry too because of how she spoke to me. I understand how she feels but I just hate the way she spoke to me and my mind was in a gutter these past few days waiting for her answer only to be talked to like that. My reactionary response was to go back on dating app a day after this happened but then happened to get a message from her with a screenshot of my profile and she commented saying I am full of *** and that "How do I know you doing other things until I was available for you". I simply said "We can agree to disagree but we will go nowhere. It hurts me you made your decision final and very apparent which I will respect and learning how to accept it. Wish you all the best" with a few more personal stuff to it. I believe she deleted my number and never heard from her again.

It has been around 7 months since this incident. I am currently seeing someone now and its going good. Its been approx. 3 months. But recently I had a dream about her [24F] reaching out to me after someone I knew in real life passed away. Since then its been playing on my mind. Then a few days after that I was on Instagram and on my suggested accounts she popped up (She created a new account). I don't know if this is a sign but right now my head is in a very weird space. I feel like I want to reach out to her, not necessarily with an aim, but more so to get this 'hate' off my chest. I would want at least one final conversation to really talk about why this happened. I'm not the type of guy to end on bad notes with people and this was the worst I've had with anyone. What's worse is that because I am seeing someone this is a distraction that I want to settle on my mind once and for all because I don't want it to get in the way of both of us.

What should I do?

[MissCanuck]

Forget this chick. 

She is immature, a hypocrite and manipulative. It was absolutely none of her business if you dated or slept with anyone else when you were, and you are incorrect that you needed to be transparent about that. That's what appropriate boundaries are for. 

Serioulsy. You dodged a bullet. Don't reach out to her. 

[Wiseman2]

You're playing games. You know it and she knows it.

Stop communicating with her. She's not interested. She had marginal interest to begin with and your game of trying to make her jealous simply put you from the friendzone to the creepzone.

Get on dating apps to date. Stop playing immature games.

 

 

[kingba1904]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're playing games. You know it and she knows it.

Stop communicating with her. She's not interested. She had marginal interest to begin with and your game of trying to make her jealous simply put you from the friendzone to the creepzone.

Get on dating apps to date. Stop playing immature games.

 

 

How would you say I'm playing games? 

[Kwothe28]

You got to have better boundaries. As soon as she told you to date other people you should have cut her off. Like this you were "the sponge" for her emotionally. But not in a relationship by her choice. Not saying its not her fault too, she told you to date others. But you need better boundaries when it comes to stuff like that.

Even now you are doing the same. You are in a relationship for 3 months. And you are thinking about contacting some ex that ended things pretty badly. If you are going to date the other girl, just date her. Dont get distracted by stuff like that.

[lostandhurt]

If it is going well with this new woman why on earth would you risk that for someone that is unstable?

She was playing games and testing you but the thing is you could never ever win the game or pass the test because there would always be another.

 She is your past so keep her in the past.  So you had a dream big deal.  You are trying to justify contacting her for some reason which should be the title of your thread.

I am in a great relationship with a wonderful woman so why do I want to contact my hurtful ex?

If you think this is a good idea run it by your current gf and see how things work out.  I bet if she came to you and told you she had a dream about her ex and wanted to contact them to unpack all the hurt and bad feelings you would not be to happy or supportive of the idea.

If you do this you will be allowing your ex to continue to ruin your life.  Accept who she is, accept things end badly sometimes and be grateful for what you have.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, kingba1904 said:

It has been around 7 months since this incident. I am currently seeing someone now and its going good.. I feel like I want to reach out to her, not necessarily with an aim, but more so to get this 'hate' off my chest.

This^^

3 hours ago, kingba1904 said:

How would you say I'm playing games? 

 

[Rose Mosse]

You’re still angry at the way she treated you. I saw you felt shaky with frustration and anger because of the way she spoke to you. It was supposed to be your “first relationship” so this is all new. In future when you see manipulative traits like this in a person, steer clear. She wasn’t ready to date you and treated you like crap so do you think contacting her for any reason will entice her to be nice to you the second time around? Think over it slowly. 

If you want vengeance, live your life well. The best form of revenge is living your life to the fullest and finding your joy. You’re learning that there are all kinds and this person was the kind of person you can do without. She doesn’t owe you anything, not even an apology - because that’s likely the type she is. So I suggest you stop looking for diamonds in a pig sty. This didn’t work. Move on and live well. 

[kingba1904]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

You got to have better boundaries. As soon as she told you to date other people you should have cut her off. Like this you were "the sponge" for her emotionally. But not in a relationship by her choice. Not saying its not her fault too, she told you to date others. But you need better boundaries when it comes to stuff like that.

Even now you are doing the same. You are in a relationship for 3 months. And you are thinking about contacting some ex that ended things pretty badly. If you are going to date the other girl, just date her. Dont get distracted by stuff like that.

This is fair. You're right. Up until this moment I was completely fine rarely crossed my mind until a few days ago when I had that dream. So its why im in a weird space right now but this and words from others have given me the assurances to move on from it. As of now, everything is going well with me and the current im sure ill overcome it.

Thanks a lot. 

[catfeeder]

Just because someone asks a question, that doesn't obligate you to answer it.

Learn discretion in what you tell anyone about your private past.

[spinstermanquee]

Rose Mosse's advice was spot on!  And you did nothing wrong by coming to this community for a "sounding board."  That's why we are here 🙂  Please enjoy your current dating partner and I hope you do so for many moons to come.

[JoyfulCompany]

Yes, you're getting signs but you're reading them wrong.

1. Someone you cared about made you feel miserable and guilty for doing something you're free to do (date/have sex when you're single and explicitly told to move on). Clear sign to stay away from that hypocrite.
2. You're in a new relationship and it's going good. Clear sign you're on the right path and you should keep the course and ignore distractions.
3. You had a dream about the hypocrite. Clear sign that you're still hurting for being treated unfairly and nothing more.
4. New account of the hypocrite pops up. Clear sign to block it as a precaution.

So, you didn't become a devoted member/reserve of some girl's friendzone club? What a crime!

Sarcasm aside, please, remember that even if you want to end on good terms with people, you don't have full control over the dynamic - so you don't always have the chance. You need to learn to be okay with that.
As long as you don't play in grey zones and your conscience is clean (i.e. in your case) - let yourself be the bad guy and don't act on the urge to "fix it". We're all the bad guys in someone's life, big whoop.
And if mistakes were made (i.e. not in your case) and things got irreparable - try to learn from the experience while you're moving on. It happens.

Another important note - how someone in your life contributes to your anxiety should be another clear sign wether to keep them close or not at all.

So - learn to move on on your own sometimes + practice healthy boundaries (as per Kwothe28's post) + live a joyful life (as per Rose Mosse's post) and you'll be alright. Good luck.

[SooSad33]

22 hours ago, kingba1904 said:

One day we then had a phone call and she basically said that I should go and pursue a relationship elsewhere because she couldn't give me any guarantees. Again, I had to respect it. So I decided to put myself out there and met someone who I was FWB with but both mutually agreed we was not in it for a relationship

"she told me that she was having family issues on her side and it meant she could not put the energy into building a relationship between us"

- See here?  Twice you were told to move on... Was at this time you really should have.  Not hung onto any more thoughts or continued contact. 

 

22 hours ago, kingba1904 said:

This was in October. During this time me and the girl [24F] started speaking on the phone more and more and she asked me if I had been on dates with anyone else I said yes at the time. She said it made her a little bit angry inside

 

22 hours ago, kingba1904 said:

I was so heartbroken by all this but at the same time she called me as well to check on me and my anxiety which gave me hope. But then a few days later she called me to say that she's not going to pursue our relationship any further. Worst news I could have hoped for. During the call we are going back and forth but what stood out to me was the fact I was made to feel belittled and a *** human being. She told me never to contact her again.

 

Yup, all manipulative head games 😕 .

Was only a couple of months you were truly involved.  From then on, it would have been best that you walked away totally and no longer remained in her life at all.

Many good points have been made to try and get you to see how 'toxic' someone like this really is.

- With you wanting to go further and her pulling away.. to questioning you a while later- then reacting so poorly about it. Seriously, what did she expect?  For you to wait around, when she plainly told you to move on!

No, you learn from all of this.  There's all kinds out there and someone who IS truly into you would not play these games.. and if they are really into you, you'll know it!

Stay away from someone like her.  ( Let this be a lesson) 😉 .

You are dating again.. you should be focusing on her.  Not a nasty ex.

 

 

[Tinydance]

To be honest it doesn't really sound like she wanted to continue dating you. It seems she just kept trying to come up with excuses. First she said something about her family and told you to start seeing other people. Then you did see someone else just like she said. Then she said she'll never see you again because you'd met someone else, just like she told you to. Makes no sense. Also if someone is really into you they wouldn't just ditch you so easily. I think this girl was just playing games.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/31/2022 at 3:32 AM, kingba1904 said:

 Seven months later I want to reach out to her. Should I?  I am seeing someone 

No. Respect whoever you are seeing now.

[Spawn]

Nothing good for you if you get in touch with your ex but there is something missing from your current relationship causing you to think about your ex. You sound like you are still clinging on to some hope of reconciliation.

[smackie9]

It's good that you came here to talk it out because why ruin things with your new relationship for something that didn't even get off the ground. You were entirely over invested. I believe things happen for a reason and IMO the universe/karma/fate or whatever stopped you from wasting your time with what would have been a psycho ^%$#/turn toxic type relationship. You are with someone good, go forward with that.

[jul-els]

You are seven months out now, and with good reason. Keep going. Don’t go back to the landfill looking for treasure. Free yourself.