Several AMAZING dates, 1 bad date, not pursuing

[gq7mss]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but you'll need context so here go... Thanks in advance for any advice.

So I met a gorgeous Brazilian girl out at a bar few weeks ago. We had a drink, chatted, and she decided to come home with me. We only kissed, had a good time, and she went home, she made it clear she wouldn't spend the night that night.

The next day we hung out which was a Saturday and had an amazing night together, she spent the night, we spent all of Sunday together.  

The following weekend she cooked me dinner, I stayed over on Friday, Saturday we hung at my place and she spent the night again. 

All of these dates-time together had been super enjoyable and pretty electric, organic, and promising.

I lined up another date this time on a Saturday, up to this point she was pursuing a lot, texting a lot, communicative etc.

The day of the date, I found out a friend was here from out of town so we did day drinking at my pool, and hosted a few friends over.  I lost track of time and an hour before the arrival of this lady I had drank quite a bit. She immediately noticed and was like "this isn't the same energy you had before".  I explained to her I had been drinking and she said she wished I had rescheduled and she wouldn't have minded. 

Needless to say we went out, dinner was fine, but at some point some miscommunication happened. I thought she was asking to leave and go home and so I started to try to convince her that I was fine. She was getting more frustrated and so at that point I left her alone and did my own thing.  The next morning she sent me a video of her explaining what upset her, that she just needed 10 minutes to herself and would have went home with me, also what went wrong, etc. I called her the next day she picked up and I told her it was completely unlike me, apologized and said I'd love to see her again. 

We had some very limited texts back and forth trying to arrange a time to meet a few days after that. She kept saying she's super stressed and busy and we never set a definite date.  I waited a few days and reached out and said hey, would love to see you again. She responded "hey love, things are super busy yada yada, long text about her work but that she could see me the following week.  

I said sure let's set a definite date, when are you free?  She never responded to that text. It's been probably a week and a half since then.

My question is should I
a) send her text act as if everything is cool and keep things just conversational, "hey, has work calmed down for you?" or just small talk
b) call her
c) text her "hey, would love to see you again, when are you free?"
d) explain to her that what happened on the last date would never happen again and I'd like to see her if she's still interested (very blunt approach)

Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

The next morning she sent me a video of her explaining what upset her.

Sorry this happened. It may be impolite in her culture to just say "get lost", so she is using the "busy, busy, so busy"  excuse for you to get the hint that what happened with getting drunk was a deal-breaker for her. Leave it now. She knows your contact info. The video was a breakup video.

[gq7mss]

It seems odd she responded with "hey love, and went in deep about what was going on with her work". She could have just said hey there, or hey. And rather than say let's aim for next week she could have just been honest if she really was trying not see me again.

[bluecastle]

16 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

Thoughts?

All in all, it sounds like the day-drinking may have done this in, turned her off to you, as very few people are super stoked to show up to a date with a person who is drunk. Not saying that moment summarizes who you are, but that's the thing with dating: we're spending time with strangers, trying to figure them out, and the record can scratch pretty quickly. Note to (your)self: avoid choices that have the potential to capsize something early. 

From the outside it seems pretty clear that she's gone cold on you, and is executing the ol' fade out. But, hey, life is short. If you're not too thin-skinned to deal with more potential fading, or a flat-out "I'm not feeling this," I'd go for a version of option (c) e.g. telling her you'd love to see her again and asking her when she's free. Pretty low stakes here, after all.

Curious: aside from "gorgeous" and "Brazilian," what is it about her that has you so intrigued?  

[Kwothe28]

44 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

Thoughts?

I am sorry, but I think you blew it up. 

Take it as a lesson: Dont entertain girls when you drink. Most of them dont look positive on such behavior and its off-putting.

Also, no. When they start to fizzle with excuses(she had time before for you but not now, how curious lol) and they dont even offer alternative time for a date, its over. Sorry, you probably liked her a lot. But dont see this as salvagable.

[MissCanuck]

54 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

My question is should I
a) send her text act as if everything is cool and keep things just conversational, "hey, has work calmed down for you?" or just small talk
b) call her
c) text her "hey, would love to see you again, when are you free?"
d) explain to her that what happened on the last date would never happen again and I'd like to see her if she's still interested (very blunt approach)

e) Don't reach out anymore. 

Her silence is your answer, unfortuantely. You've already tried to explain, apologize, and express your interest. There is no need to keep repeating it...I promise you she heard you the first time. The fact that she has not replied tells you what you need to know. 

It sucks, but not much you can do. 

 

[Lambert]

If you decide to contact her, call don't text. 

Don't be fake and act like nothing is wrong. Say you're still interested in getting to know her more and hope she would like that, too. Would she like to get together and talk over dinner? 

If she agrees,  go out of your way to make it a nice evening and clear any miscommunication. aka listen to her and apologize. Ask for another chance. 

[gq7mss]

Thanks everyone for the feedback, I appreciate it.

[catfeeder]

She may not have known what her decision would be when she claimed to be busy. She carved out time to think it through.

She knows how to reach you.

[Batya33]

Agree with the others. I've been in that situation -and in one case we'd been dating for two months. His decision to get drunk and treat me in a rude way was a dealbreaker.  You prioritized drinking too much over being an appropriate date for her -showing up drunk is not appropriate and to me is rude and thoughtless.  I get that you're likely not going to repeat that choice again - but she's entitled at this early stage to decide to go her separate way given your choice and treatment of her.  It was thoughtful of her to explain to you why she was upset and not simply ignore your calls. i'm sorry it didn't work out.  

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with the others. I've been in that situation -and in one case we'd been dating for two months. His decision to get drunk and treat me in a rude way was a dealbreaker.  You prioritized drinking too much over being an appropriate date for her -showing up drunk is not appropriate and to me is rude and thoughtless.  I get that you're likely not going to repeat that choice again - but she's entitled at this early stage to decide to go her separate way given your choice and treatment of her.  It was thoughtful of her to explain to you why she was upset and not simply ignore your calls. i'm sorry it didn't work out.  

Yep, I get that you weren't deliberately rude, but you demonstrated lousy judgment and no self control. 

Nobody's saying you couldn't have entertained your friends without getting drunk yourself. You showed this woman that you don't know how to prioritize in the way adults learn how to do.

Maybe at some point she'll consider how much she liked you and opt to contact you. This needs to happen without your influence so you can trust that her heart is in it.

Head high, we all learn by living. 

[jul-els]

If you have to have a definite answer, I’d go with option c, but really the ball is in her court. I’d just leave it be and see if she responds. If she doesn’t, you have your answer and can chalk it up to a lesson going forward. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep, I get that you weren't deliberately rude, but you demonstrated lousy judgment and no self control. 

Nobody's saying you couldn't have entertained your friends without getting drunk yourself. You showed this woman that you don't know how to prioritize in the way adults learn how to do.

Maybe at some point she'll consider how much she liked you and opt to contact you. This needs to happen without your influence so you can trust that her heart is in it.

Head high, we all learn by living. 

To me it's like showing up for a date -especially a public date with a new person -sweaty and smelly after a run and getting over a snotty cold.  I had a first meet once with a guy who showed up looking unkempt and out of it (was perfectly normal on the phone) knowing we were going to a nice bar.  I switched it to the bookstore cafe downstairs and spent 20 polite minutes with him -bye.  I mean my awesome husband showed up for our wedding in an undershirt - we got married at his parents' home and he's always running late and answered the door in that state - but at least he was sober.

[Kwothe28]

I might suggest a "Hail Mary" of a sort. How about sending a nice bouquet of flowers to her work or home? With a nice message ofcourse.

You did blew it up. But look at it as a last attempt to maybe "soften her heart" a bit. Maybe it works, maybe it doesnt(once women decide on something, they usually stay that way), but if you like that girl very much, at least try everything in your power before calling it quits. If she still stays cold after that, then quit.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, gq7mss said:

My question is should I
a) send her text act as if everything is cool and keep things just conversational, "hey, has work calmed down for you?" or just small talk
b) call her
c) text her "hey, would love to see you again, when are you free?"
d) explain to her that what happened on the last date would never happen again and I'd like to see her if she's still interested (very blunt approach)

E) None of the above. She has your contact info and she is stalling, ignoring your texts and simply iced you out. Sorry but some f-ups are not recoverable, particularly in the beginning when an impression is still being formed. Do not stalk in the form of gifts etc. That goes from messed up a bit to the creepzone.

[jul-els]

I wouldn’t apologize any further. You did that already. It’s up to her to decide if she’s ok with it. Any further apologies are going to make you look desperate and give her the impression that there really is a problem. The onus is on you now to accept her response, whatever it may be. 

[gq7mss]

Everyone had really good advice, thanks so much!  

Not pressed to make any moves atm, got a lot going on career wise, travel, others I am dating (in early phases, 1-2 dates) etc.

I'll give it a few days and if I feel so inclined I'll try c.

Though I'd really like to send a sincere apology I agree with others, it rehashes the negative feelings and comes off desperate. (Rejection breeds obsession). 

Maybe I could send something playful.

"Hey xxxxx, how are you? Would love to get together again and I will have that same energy you enjoyed on the first couple dates. Let me know."

That's a play on her saying she loved my energy I had on all the dates but the drunk one was not the same.  

[Batya33]

I wouldn't be lighthearted at all about your choice to treat her inappropriately.  I would write "I am very sorry that I behaved badly on our last date and showed such poor judgment.  I will not let it happen again.  I completely understand if you do not want to see me again and if you do I would be happy to take you out again and assure you I will not repeat those same mistakes ever again.  Take care and hope you are well.

[jul-els]

Personally, I’d leave it be. If she wants to reach out, she will. If she doesn’t, she won’t. Life goes on. 

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't send a detailed "apology".

I'd say "I blew it last time. That wasn't cool. Can I take you out to Nice Restaurant to make up for it?"

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I wouldn't send a detailed "apology".

I'd say "I blew it last time. That wasn't cool. Can I take you out to Nice Restaurant to make up for it?"

Yes -I agree- as long as he doesn't make light of it.  

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

Personally, I’d leave it be. If she wants to reach out, she will. If she doesn’t, she won’t. Life goes on. 

Yes, indeed. 

You have already tried to apologize in a phone call, and you tried to arrange a date. Trying to apologize again and arrange a date again when she has blanked you is going to seem desperate. 

 

 

[Wonderstruck]

On 8/29/2022 at 3:37 PM, Lambert said:

If you decide to contact her, call don't text. 

Don't be fake and act like nothing is wrong. Say you're still interested in getting to know her more and hope she would like that, too. Would she like to get together and talk over dinner? 

If she agrees, go out of your way to make it a nice evening and clear any miscommunication. aka listen to her and apologize. Ask for another chance. 

All of this, but especially the parts that I bolded.

I don't like that you're thinking of going for a "playful" approach, because I feel like it's an attempt to sweep what happened under the rug and just barrel forward in a fake positive way, like "Bygones be bygones!".

NO. SHE'LL decide if "Bygones be bygones". Don't try to "charm" her into forgiving you.

Though, to be perfectly honest, I think you need to accept that it's a wrap and leave her be.

Wiseman has it right:

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

E) None of the above. She has your contact info and she is stalling, ignoring your texts and simply iced you out. Sorry but some f-ups are not recoverable, particularly in the beginning when an impression is still being formed. Do not stalk in the form of gifts etc. That goes from messed up a bit to the creepzone.

 

[gq7mss]

All well said, I'll be in day long in person work events and won't have a chance to reach out but likely Friday I'll take some of the considerations here, give it one more shot, and if she's not receptive life moves on.  

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

What do you all think of this message?

What message?