Ex considering trying again- what should i do?

[Boris 42]

Hi there,

I have just come here for some advice, although im pretty sure i know what the answers will be! 🙂

I was in a serious relationship with my ex for 6 years. The last year of the relationship was long distance as she took a job in the USA (I am in Europe) as it was a great opportunity for her which i fully supported. Unfortunately this came at a time when the pandemic was on and neither of us could travel to see each other for a year... Although we spoke every day we drifted apart and when i went to see her in November last year she broke it off. We never went completely zero contact, and we have both dated people since then (i am currently not dating, but she tells me she is but its nothing serious, not like it was with me..). She was back from the US last week and we met up for dinner. She says she probably needs to stay in the US for another couple of years (we work in a very niche subject) but then is seriously considering coming back to Europe although it will depend where the opportunities are. She said she didnt know what to do about us, as i proposed we try long distance again in non-covid times as i really believe she is 'the one'. In many ways it seems she thinks the same, as she says that she knows we were the best relationship she will ever have... At the end of the meal, of which a lot of it was spent in tears from her end, she said she would think over things but she just doesnt know what to do... When i got home she sent me a message saying it was good to see me and i looked good

We have agreed to meet up later in the week as she will return to the US at the weekend, but in the meantime my stomach is in knots and really dont know what to do. I know i need to give her some space to think now, but we have started messaging each other daily again and she always ends the message with kisses. To make the situation even more complicated i have a daughter who mostly lives with her mum in Europe but that procludes me from moving to the US- otherwise i would...

I am pretty sure she feels the same about me and is scared by it all, and i dont want to scare her even more, but i really need her to know this is make or break, as if we dont try now i really need to eliminate her completely from my life (although we work in the same field so am sure we will run into each other again, but at least i wont see her face on my socials all the time...)

Thanks for reading all of this, and any advice would be very much appreciated.

Cheers

[Rose Mosse]

It’s an awful lot of pressure to place on someone when you yourself aren’t free or mobile to leave or move to another country due to having your daughter in Europe. 

There is utterly nothing to do. Both of you would be better off being kinder to one another not meeting up for teary dinners like this as it’s hardly doing any good. She does not do well with long distance and broke up with you once. Don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over. 

The texts are also making things worse. This person doesn’t seem to have a clue about the effect she has on you and does whatever she wants, absurdly childish. One moment it’s a break up, next it’s a dinner and then kissy faces. Distance yourself from her and if she happens to be in the same area or if you both are more flexible then reconsider. At this point there’s nothing to do but be more mindful and respectful of one another. I suggest you move on with your lives and tell her not to send you texts like that. 

[Boris 42]

Thanks Rose,

I know you are probably correct. I would just like to give the long distance thing a go in non-covid times... I would be able to get out there every 3 months or so i would hope, which is a big difference to us not seeing each other for a year as it was the first time... I guess i just have to wait to see what her thoughts are later in the week and leave her be for now.. If, indeed, she doesnt want to try, then i really do need to remove her from my live completely and tell her that if she does come back to europe to look me up and we will see where we both are...

Thanks again

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, Boris 42 said:

Thanks Rose,

I know you are probably correct. I would just like to give the long distance thing a go in non-covid times... I would be able to get out there every 3 months or so i would hope, which is a big difference to us not seeing each other for a year as it was the first time... I guess i just have to wait to see what her thoughts are later in the week and leave her be for now.. If, indeed, she doesnt want to try, then i really do need to remove her from my live completely and tell her that if she does come back to europe to look me up and we will see where we both are...

Thanks again

She didn’t give it a go when you suggested it earlier which doesn’t sound good. You both have been together for six years so there’s familiarity and history, a lot of sadness and letting go. She’s been doing everything possible to put some distance between the two of you as LDR doesn’t work for her. She showed you that already when she broke up with you the first time. 

Covid or no Covid it’s constantly back and forth out of a suitcase maintaining a relationship that is not local. Seeing her a few times more per year isn’t going to make a huge difference. It seems that it’s supposed to, for you? It’s neverending this travel and not seeing one another regularly for the foreseeable future. 

I doubt you’ll get an answer later this week as the answer you want depends on whether she’ll get a job close to where you are. And that will not be later this week. It will be much later. The likelihood she breaks up with you once back in the US is high regardless of what she says this week. Nothing has really changed. Take care of yourself. Your daughter deserves a dad too who is feeling good about himself. 

[smackie9]

If she really wanted this she wouldn't have moved away, or would have made full effort to try some other career that wasn't so obscure. She chooses career over you. That's her priority. Sure you can make a go of it but only seeing each other once about every 3 months...I would tap out. Why, because you will lose emotional connection over time. And after each visit, will become more painful. Quite torturous IMO. 

[Boris 42]

Thanks both

Should i just cancel our meeting later in the week?

She is also seeing some old friends of mine before then so i hoped they may speak some sense into her, or make her realise what she is missing... 

I think if communication is kept open we could do LDR, which, last time didnt happen due to various reasons... I know it wont be easy, but surely it could all be worth it in the end?

Thanks again

[tattoobunnie]

I think you need to let her go.  Speaking as someone who did long distance, and now married with kids, then had to do long distance for his work...there was never "some day" talk.  All our plans have been definitive.

If she wanted to be with you, she would be making decisions to do so.

And you will never find someone new if you keep up the light contact.  Tunnel vision never helps anyone.

[Boris 42]

Thanks Tattoobunnie- appreciated- problem is in our line of work its always temp contracts.... but indeed you are right, and i should accept that- that if she really wanted to be with me then she would make it a priority...

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

last year she broke it off

 

3 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

as i proposed we try long distance again

 

3 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

she said she would think over things

Sounds like she already knows the answer. But keeps you there in case she maybe gets back. Even dating somebody else at current time. And that you were the one who is stuck there. 

LDR is just fantasy. As you can see, both of you wont commit. She because of the career, you because of your kid. Its useless to lose couple of more years when both can find somebody else locally. There isnt "the one". Its a nice romantic concept, but in reality you both are not some unique snowflakes and are compatible with many people. So you should both be fine. But with some other partners.

Also I do think that you should do "No contact". You both need fresh start away from each other. And "no contact" will help will help when it comes to that. So let it be a definite over now.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

She is also seeing some old friends of mine before then so i hoped they may speak some sense into her, or make her realise what she is missing... 

Catch up over a cup of coffee, but don't try to reignite the relationship. Why is she meeting your friends before you? When she leaves, distance yourself so that you can focus on local interested viable women.

[Boris 42]

Some of my friends work in the same field as me and she is giving a talk at my old institute and will see them there... As is say- complicated! 🙂

[SooSad33]

She's the one who ended it... why? If it's over distance, what makes you think it'll succeed this time?

Sadly, many couple's do end up not able to make it work out the 2nd time. Due to hurt from first BU, that whatever reason's they ended it, has not been corrected, etc.

Do you honestly think it will work ( especially long distance?) and that it's maybe just some of this ' I miss you' thing that will calm down & fade once again, once the hype is over..?

 

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

She is also seeing some old friends of mine before then so i hoped they may speak some sense into her, or make her realise what she is missing...

That's not fair. She has her senses about her, OP.

Not wanting a transatlantic LDR doesn't mean she doesn't have her wits about her. It means she is aware that it isn't really enough for her and logisitcally would be too complicated. Seeing each other every few months just isn't sufficient for many, and she appears to be one of them. It's not a question of "realizing what she's missing," but understanding that she can't offer her commitment in those circumstances, and wanting someone local. 

I am sorry. It seems she cares very much about you but doesn't feel this is sustainable long-distance. I don't get the impression she is scared - scared of what? Rather, I think she is being true to what she doesn't want (a LDR) and is looking for the way to gently turn you down. 

[Boris 42]

Hi @SooSad33 thanks for your reply. Yes indeed the first time she ended it was over distance- as it had been a year between seeing each other. I also thought the 'missing' each other would get better over time, but she tells me she thinks about me more now then she did when she split with me, which is what i dont understand..Also she has been messaging me daily since we saw each other, which we havent done in a long time (initiated by her).. Surely if she didnt want a relationship she wouldnt do this? Or again maybe im reading too much into it...

@MissCanuck, Thanks for your msg. I didnt mean she didnt have her senses about her in general, i just meant it may reinforce positive feelings she has for me. You may be correct in the fact that this isnt what she wants, but then why meet up again with me? Why tell me that she doesnt know what to do instead of just saying look i cant be in an LDR. The scared point was more about control- i think this was one of the reasons she moved to the US in the first place as she wanted to take back control during covid times. She doesnt like to be out of control of her feelings (who does...) so i think is worried that if we did get back together she would feel forced to come back to europe when then potential better job situation would be in the US... I hope that makes sense...

[JoyfulCompany]

OP, I'm not sure about the title of your topic - it sounds like getting back together has been her idea but in your post I read:
 - she ended things the first time;
 - she's currently dating someone, "not serious like it was with you" doesn't mean it's entirely casual;
 - the only thing she's considering ATM is coming back to Europe but not sooner than in a couple of years;
 - you suggested trying LDR again;
 - she doesn't know what to do about your relationship;
 - she said she would think over things;

What I'm trying to say is - yes, you might be reading too much into her actions and behaviour from the past week. Last time you saw each other she ended it. First time you see each other since - you suggest to try again. There may be a lot of love and under other circumstances you may have never broken up. But the reality is she now lives another life on another continent and LDR didn't seem to work for you, even after 5 years together.

If you're both strongly determined to try again it may still not work out. But she's not even sure she wants it, at all. Also, do you think it's a decision that can be taken lightheartedly over a couple of days during the only vacation back she's had? You don't have the time to warm up to the idea together, no time for dates, she's getting back to the US at the end of the week. You can't simply jump back to where you broke it off like nothing happened.

I'm sure it felt great to see each other again, to both of you. I'm sure there are a lot of wonderful feelings. But I don't think it's justified to get your hopes high. In the unlikely case she says "yeah, let's do it", the actual hard part starts after that. And I'm not even sure we're in non-covid times yet.

[Boris 42]

I see your point @JoyfulCompany. The issue is she was the one who wanted to meet up the first time last week, and the one telling me she misses me more now than she ever has done, and that although she is dating, its not serious and its not me... At the same time, these are things she has been telling me for a number of months, so i dont think its a light hearted decision, i just feel that now some decision needs to be taken as otherwise we need to go completely no contact (perhaps selfishly on my part). We did this before and i started 'recovering' but then when i heard from her again that all went to pot...

I completely agree with you that the hardest part would come once we tried to re-establish the relationship- if that is what she wants ultimately. I am just finding the whole situation of not knowing very tricky in terms of how to handle it..I would just find it all a shame for us not to give it one final goal knowing how much we miss each other when we are not together (even in an LDR)

Hoping that makes sense to you,

Thanks for reading....

[Andrina]

I can't even imagine breaking up with someone I love because of a career opportunity after 6 whole years together. I would've only accepted a temporary move, hard enough as it is, for a golden opportunity, but wouldn't have broken up. So I don't think she truly loved you, or at least she didn't at the end of the relationship.

This all reeks of you being way more into her than she is with you, and I would assume she cares about you, but that's not the same as a passionate love.

In your shoes, I'd go contact, and explain why to her--that you need closure and to move on. The right one will never leave--not even once.

[Boris 42]

Thanks @Andrina, I appreciate your opinion. We didnt break up when she left, we kept the LDR alive for a year, but a year without seeing each other due to the pandemic was too much. There was also always the talk that she would come back, but due to the area we work in there are more opportunities in the US, and she love her job- which i get, so she started to think about staying there more long term.. She now realises that actually she will more than likely come back to Europe..

We are meeting up later in the week to discuss and see what to do.. This evening for example she sent me messages along these liness..."I miss you so much. Yes I think there is potential. But I have to decide what I can give up or promise now." as well as telling me she loves me....

i just hope we can get to be on the same page, or at least the same novel! I do adore this girl, and from the way she still looks at me i know its still there for her too, its just practicalities and is it is actually possible...

Any advice, again, much appreciated...

Thanks

 

[Tinydance]

Maybe I would say to give the relationship a go again but what I see as a big issue is that she said she's probably planning on staying in the US for another two years. I know with COVID more settled down you can actually visit each other but it probably won't be very often, right? You're both working and you have a child as well so you wouldn't be able to go to the US very regularly. Besides, it's also really far away from Europe.

Also I would just be questioning, how much does she really see a future with your relationship? I understand the job in the US seemed like a good opportunity but you were together for six years and she just leaves you behind? Then after a year she ends it and she has admitted she's actually dating another guy. These aren't really behaviours that show she considers you "the one" and can't live without you. She seems to be doing fine without you so far away and not seeing you and she even found someone else. Like, her level of commitment to you isn't very high right now.

[1a1a]

I think she can feel feelings and still not want to be with you and still not be a person who’s going to lift you up in this life. Now she’s giving you breadcrumbs, not to manipulate you, it’s just a side effect of the duality of feelings and doubting that you’re the person she’s meant to commit to I think, and you’re eating them up but they’re not a meal and you’re going to be left disappointed. 
 

I really like this Eckhart Tolle video on one sided love (apologies for posting the link twice, can’t work out how to delete one) 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

how much does she really see a future with your relationship? I understand the job in the US seemed like a good opportunity but you were together for six years and she just leaves you behind?

This. 

I think seeing you again has made her a little nostalgic, OP, but I would not get your hopes up too high here. My guess is that once she's back in the US her tune will change again. 

[Boris 42]

Thanks both. @Tinydance @MissCanuck

When i asked her if she saw me in her ideal future she said she did...so i do think she sees there is a future there. Regarding leaving me behind after 6 years, we have spoken extensively about this and she thinks this is partially down to getting control again as we were also in the middle of the pandemic and this was her way of re-establishing it again.. not ideal i know but thats the character she is and one of the reasons why i love her...

Indeed, we wouldnt be able to see each other too often but i could go and stay for a few weeks at a time, as i can 'collaborate' with her work there as well (as we work in the same field). My worry is indeed that once she is back in the us she changes her tune, but given the fact she was telling me how much she missed me before she came back im hoping that she will still want to give it a go...

I am meeting her tomorrow for brunch, so lets see..

Thanks everyone..

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

I am meeting her tomorrow for brunch, so lets see..

Have fun. That's the best way to gauge this situation and decide from there. But decide what is best for you and if you would actually want a distance penpal.

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

but i could go and stay for a few weeks at a time,

That would be you putting in all the effort for a very iffy, high risk-relationship, and expensive at that. Life is expensive, and you need to be saving for retirement and having a bulk of savings for emergencies for you and your child.

What would I do with the way you feel? I'd tell her: The day that you return for good, if we are both single and we both want to give this another go, we'll get together to discuss that. In the meantime, it's better for me if we go no contact.

Your gut tells you she might "change her tune" once apart from you again. I would listen to your gut. If you're groveling and giving promises of flying there regularly, it puts you in the position of looking like an unattractive, doormat.

When you're showing self-worth, and letting a person know you'll only enter into something under your high standards and the expectations your partner is full-in, you'll gain far more respect and appear more attractive. 

Good look and keep us updated.

[Boris 42]

Thanks again all.. I completely see where you are all coming from. I dont think it is one way love, i just think she loves her job more than she loves a person!

I have the feeling she may ask for an open long distance relationship with the aim for her to get back to Europe..

Lets see what the next 24-36 hours brings.

Thanks again for the support to all of you