Boris 42

Thanks @boltnrun.. The last contact i had with her she told me she had split up with him and they were no longer seeing each other as 'she was a mess' in her words..She was meant to go to a wedding with him this weekend but now (she told me) she is going alone... Im hoping she takes some time out from relationships and works on herself too too see what she wants in the end, but in the end that has nothing to do with me anymore... I will do as suggested with her things... Cheers and night

I really hope so @MissCanuck.... Now i need to work out how to get out of keeping her rental apartment i kept which still has a lot of her stuff in it... pffft Thanks again for your time everyone, i think most of my friends are sick of me by now talking about her! (and probs rightfully so...)

Yes, i see what you are saying @Batya33. I think this is where i need to work on my self-worth a bit more. I have been through depression before (and im medicated for it now) but i just have a feeling that i was 'hitting above my station' with her even after 6 (5 solid) years together... i guess thats where i need to work on myself now as well to realise that i am enough... I hope that makes sense, and thanks again for your time...

Agreed @Batya33.. She had been giving me very mixed messages up until now though, telling me that she loved me and that she was going to come back in 2 years (when her work was done there) . But now i have decided to look after my own mental well being... her constantly changing her decisions about whether she is going to come back, the fact she still says she knows im the best relationship she will ever have etc, cannot be taken anymore, and indeed, as you say actions speak louder. Maybe she will come back in a couple of years, maybe not, but i wont be waiting and it will depend on circumstances at that time... Now its time to work on myself as well... Cheers

Hi @Batya33, I have now chosen not to keep in contact with her.. Up until now she has been telling me she will come back in two years to be with me, this was the whole dilemma, and i was, at one point willing to accept that. Now im not, hence my block. As i say the only issue is we work in the same field and are likely to run into each other, thats what im not looking forward to but hopefully that will get better with time... Thanks for the good luck wishes- i think i need it in this day and age, and especially with how i currently feel...

We both travel for work, and there are a number of international meetings in a year that we would both probably be at..Its quite a small field that i work in! Anyways.. indeed, now i need to move on and forget she has played me for the last 6 months... i wish i hadnt been so stupid, but anyway, love makes you do strange things....

So, i did it... now blocked.. Lets hope we dont run into each other at a meeting in the near future... Thanks again all...

Thanks again everyone, i really do appreciate it, and i know you are all completely correct in what you say... i guess i do, as @Andrinaand others say need to have some more respect for myself and find things other than work (and her) to think about (without going into another relationship, as im no where ready for that...)... hopefully ill get there... I just really thought this one was the right one... so much for my intuition! 😉 Thanks again for taking the time out

I see all your points... i do just need to block.. Indeed you are right @MissCanuckshe is now free and single, but she also knows she needs another 2 years in the US and even though before she has told me she sees us together in the end, i cannot wait..She also told me she is writing a very long message to me still to help her see where her head is... I know given the situation, that she obviously doenst want me as her boyfriend now, so indeed i need to cut free.. I was doing well for a while, but then she started messaging daily again (i didnt reply, but then she used other routes of getting in touch with me....) Thanks all and sorry for being a bit of a drag!

OK, fair enough... i take your point... i was truly wishing her happiness though- even if it didnt seem like it! Thank you

I see your point @boltnrun but i dont see myself as playing reserve at the moment- im trying to move on but indeed, i guess the only way to truly do that is block completely... Thanks for your best wishes- she is on the mend

@Batya33 Can i ask how you think im being childish- im trying to be polite with her, without blocking her completely out of my life (for one reason or another...) Plus i do want the best for her in the end- even if thats without me...

Hi Everyone, Its me again, as been some issues the last weeks... She kept on messaging me even after i said i didnt want to talk to her until she had split with Yankee boy..I remained polite to her but made it very clear to her that i do not want to keep in touch if im a reserve. Last week my mum went into hospital and she was emailing/texting me so i told her that was the case... Since then she has been messaging daily again. I made a curt remark, as i had seen she had been offline for a while one evening, and said that i hope she had a nice evening with her boyfriend. At that point she told me they were not seeing each other anymore as (in her words) she is a mess... She has started therapy and i hope this is helping her.. This week was also my aunts bday and she sent her a happy bday message (as did her parents!) Since then she tells me she still needs headspace to process all her feelings as they are not accessible to her which is why she throws herself into work.. In the meantime she has been messaging me daily telling me what she has been up to etc etc... Now she tells me she is going out of state for the weekend but doenst say anything more about it- im wondering if its with Yankee boy and they have rekindled.. I have asked her- (hope you are up to something nice in...?) but im yet to hear.. I dont know why i give a damn still but unfortunately i do.. I have told her so many times i will not be reserve and if i am im not willing to take that place... I need to stop my mind going in all directions as its hurting, even if im barking up the wrong tree... I am trying to put myself out there in the meantime, but as you all said i think dating now isnt a good idea, but i need something to get my mind of things... It used to be work that did that, but also when i think of work i think of her too (same field etc, and she still likes my work related tweets..)... Any advice (although im sure i know what it is already!) would be much appreciated! 🙂 @MissCanuck @Wiseman2 @JoyfulCompany @bluecastle

Thanks @JoyfulCompany and @Andrina.. Really appreciate these words.. I completely agree regarding being engulfed by their surrondings and that was definately the case for her.. I think thats when the communication really started to break down, even though we didnt realise it for a while... I guess thats why i thought there was potential now, due to the fact that the novelty of everything had worn off, she told me she missed me more, more recently than when we initially split or when she oriiginally moved over there, hence the reason i wanted to give this a chance... The issue i still have is that she said she was going to come back in 2 years to be with me, but couldnt bring herself to get rid of this american guy, even if she was 'reversing' it.. whatever that means. All of my friends, just like you guys have said i needed to run a million miles in the other direction, and that is what im starting to do now, as indeed she was just keeping me in reserve, which i am not. Today i met with a friend who saw her at a recent conference, and they told me that when questioned about why my ex had split with me (we all knew each other) she got very teary eyed and upset and couldnt really talk about it... All i can hope is that the therapy aspect for her works, and this lets her sort out any inner turmoil, and she realises how she has treated me, and how thats not ok- even if its just for her own personal growth... Thanks again all, i really have appreciated you all giving your time to some stranger on the internet! 🙂

Thanks @boltnrun , appreciated.. This is basically what i told her in my last message to her, that i deserve a hell of a lot more, and am not being kept as a reserve just in case she decides to come back here and the fact that she likes talking to me! I needed to see at least some level of commitment but i havent seen any, so i think i did the only thing left to do unless i was going to look like a fool...

Dear All, Just a quick update, as i left the forum for a bit to give myself some space.. We have been speaking every day the last few weeks, and she started messaging my daughter again, as well as telliing me she was going to finish with the guy in the US. At the same time as talking every day and telling about what she dreamt of the night before, and how she was chased around by a squirrel, she forgot to mention that she was going to a gig. She did however post about this on social media, where we were still connected.. After seeing this (i am assuming she was going with yankee boy) i told her this is no longer doable, and if she wants to have ANY kind of relationship with me he needs to go and in the meantime i dont want to hear from her. She replied saying she thinks she is too emotianally detached from everyone and thats why she throws herself into her work, but she is going to start therapy for it... At the same time she told me when she was at the gig some of the songs made her think of us and made her sad... She also said she didnt mention it as she didnt want to hurt me... Is this narcissistic behaviour? I am hurting pretty bad at the moment, and I am now trying to move on, and its tough as i got used to her morning and evening messages again and what i thought was a potential for us to reignite the amazing relationship we used to have, but it seems its not the case.. I have now blocked her and her family from social media (although i just received a bday card from her parents....) so i think thats the end of that. The only way i see any happiness in the situation is if she comes back to the UK single and im single at the same time... To be honest im not really looking forward to putting myself out there, but i think i need to to help myself move on... Thanks to all again for your advice, its all been very much appreciated.... @MissCanuck @Wiseman2 @JoyfulCompany@bluecastle

You are absolutely correct @boltnrun... I guess im just clinging on to it, which i shouldnt... Why tell me, just before im about to close it off, that she loves me..she had told me before that she doesnt love the new one...i do wonder what she is telling him though.. As you have all said this shouldnt make a difference and I think she cant let me go permenantly but in the end i need to let her go.... Thanks...

Another update.. I think you are completely right @Batya33, we both need to be 100% in and it seems she isnt.. She sent me some msgs yesterday saying she was thinking of me etc etc, but then went offline for 12 hours, so obvioulsy with the other guy. I sent a morning text as we normally do, and she replied saying that she hates the fact that all this is hurting me and that she loves me.. I went on to tell her that if she really loved me that much she would be able to get rid of US guy so we could work on our relationship and move forward with it... Again, she said- do i have to answer now..- so i left it at that after her telling me should cant imagine me not being in her life... I know the right thing to do is block block block but i cant bring myself to do it at the moment.. I think i will give her another 24-48 hours to see what she says but all the information is out there, and its not looking good for us... Hopefully the next one will be the right one.... Thanks again everyone for joining me on this 'journey'

I see where you are coming from both, thank you. I am not emotionally unavailable- at least to her- i think i may be to others at the moment, but that will take time i believe... The LDR would be for 2 years whilst she winds things up in the US, but indeed, I need to see if she is willing to commit to me and me alone.. If she isnt, then indeed she is emotionally unavailable- at least to me!- so i need to draw a line under it.... Thanks again all..

I see where you are coming from @bluecastle I didnt mean the 'Im confused' were her exact words but what she said was that 'it takes a lot of effort with him, which it never did with me and is not the same...' Sorry for the confusion! 😀 I do indeed have a lot of good things going on, but i know from how we were before that we could add to each others lifes, even in an LDR for a couple of years if thats what she wants...I have thought about it long and hard over the last months and after being around the block a few times, i have also never felt like this before, and she tells me the same.. If she is just feeding me BS is another matter, and maybe she says that to 'all the boys!' Therefore i think i have to give her a chance, and thats the decision im giving her now (its either 100% trying with me or nothing...), but the door wont be open for long anymore before i shut it myself... Thanks again...

Thanks @catfeeder- am definately not writing bunk, but indeed it seems she may be, or is just very confused... These were her exact words- does make me wonder what she is telling him.. As i say, ill give it the next 24-48 hours and then its a no from me to her.... Cheers

Thanks again @JoyfulCompany.. I see exactly where you are coming from. If indeed she cannot commit to me now, then i need to let her go fully- no contact with her or her family (for instance, her parents sent my daughter a bday present a few weeks ago- they did this without asking anyone if that was ok- im not sure if it is ok, but that would definately need to stop...) Then we both move on in whatever direction that is, and if it is our destiny to be together in the future, then let it be, otherwise, it is what it is...As a famous song says 'ce sera sera...' Even if it hurts to cut the cord now, it will be for the best as my mental health is taking a bit of a battering for now... Again, thanks for the advice, i do really appreciate it...

Thank you @bluecastle. Your words are definately resonating with me, and i think you are completely correct in everything you say.... Thanks...

Thank you both @JoyfulCompanyand @MissCanuck I agree @MissCanuck but i think the issue is having someone there for now, and he is and im not as we are not in the same place. She already told me it takes a lot of effort with him, which it never did with me and is not the same, but its more about practicalities- we all need a hug sometimes... We have discussed an 'open' relationship, but that cannot be with someone who you are building a life up with as a partner as she seems to be doing with this one, which is why im against it... I will give her a couple more days, but then indeed i am done, even if it does hurt a hell of a lot. I like your thinking @JoyfulCompany, maybe its to make sure im protected in the future from her- although as i say i will probs see her at conferences etc due to work which could be fun to say the least Again, thanks to everyone for the sounding board.. this past week ive been a bit of a mess to be honest, and i think my mates are getting sick of the mention of her name! 🙂

Thanks @bluecastle. I agree completely. For now it does not hinge on bringing this guy back or not, it hinges on if she gets rid of him in the next week or so... And then indeed, i need to take her word for that. If she doesnt do that, US dude can have her, as it shows that she wasnt willing to commit in me, and in my eyes at least, i am worth a lot more than that, and i would hope a partner would think so too especially one who you already have a long history with.. As i say, i have sent her another message for her to ponder if she sees potential for us given she knows what i have said in terms of not being with US dude as a partner... I am going to give her 24 hours to decide, otherwise i am going to be the one who has to walk away and completely block, no matter how much that is going to hurt...