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Ex considering trying again- what should i do?


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So, this afternoon was interesting...

We met for a relaxed lunch where She basically told me she is going to start looking at trying to get back to the UK in the next couple of years so she can be with me.... At the same time she told me she is seeing this guy in the us and was going to bring him to meet her parents for Xmas, despite the fact she had previously told me that it was nothing serious but they have been dating for 2 months..

I told her that if she is already setting plans in motion to get back here to be with me then this relationship needs to stop now if she still wants to make a go of it between us. So now she says she will sort it out and has to think about it ..

She says i am her future, so i say to her then we need to start working on it now.. i think she agreed in the end, but now i guess i wait until this guy is off the scene as actions speak louder than words. I would understand if we both go down the route of having friends with benefits and thats something i said id be willing to discuss with her for the following two years, but to have someone who you are bringing into your family to meet is something else completely...

Any advice? Cheers

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32 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

Any advice?

Yes, delete and block.

She wants to bring guy home from Christmas(in 5 months away btw) but wants the future with you. Does that makes sense to you? Do you know why it doesnt? Because she sits on both chairs. If the one in America breaks, well there is one in UK. If it doesnt, well, the fool in UK waited but she promised you nothing so no biggie for her. For a fool in UK? Oh well, she wont care as long as she is happy. 

So, do you want to wait like a fool if her relationship fails? Or not indulge her fantasies and be your own man? 

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40 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

she told me she is seeing this guy in the us and was going to bring him to meet her parents for Xmas, despite the fact she had previously told me that it was nothing serious but they have been dating for 2 months..

Distance yourself. The last thing you want to see is their couple's Christmas pics all over her social media. Don't pursue long distance. It's a headache and heartache you don't need.

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1 hour ago, Boris 42 said:

At the same time she told me she is seeing this guy in the us and was going to bring him to meet her parents for Xmas

Wow. When you don't even love yourself enough not to get up and walk away that very instant, you will only attract women who know they can walk all over you. I can't even fathom wanting to give someone a chance after she said this, among the numerous other ways she's shown you you're not someone she truly loves. And her quality of character--she now has a bf, and would she be saying in front of him what she's said to you if he were in the room, about how she will return to be with you in a few years?

That's her poor ethics. She's incapable of being faithful and thinks people are yo-yos, playthings to be drawn in when it suits her, and dropped when she sees a shinier toy.

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Well, I tried to hint to you the other guy might be an issue. "Not serious as it has been with you" was obvious, after all she didn't have 6 years to date him yet. 6 months at best since last November. But she brought him up, which meant it's not that casual.

Also, the nostalgia of being back home and seeing you may have spoken but she does have an entirely separate life in the US. Her tears I interpreted as she would be with you if she lived in the UK but that's not the case. As she's unable or unwilling to merge her two worlds and grieving she can't or won't choose the one with you in it right now.

As to advise... how much time does it take to break up with someone? One conversation, not weeks, not months. I find it a bit disrespectful that she said she sees you as her future, yet she's unsure about the present. The future starts now. It's like she assumes you'll be always there, always an option. People who know they want to be with someone are usually afraid not to loose them. I use this metric in both ways, i.e. if I see I'm more afraid of my own commitment to someone (who clearly state they want to be with me) than to lose them, I usually break it off to not string them along.

Another thing that caught my attention is your willingness to do the heavy lifting. You to take time off work, you to spend the money to fly to her. What about her? She can't or won't travel more often back to the UK? Why not?

I'm all up for true love and making it work but so far I only see you looking for solutions, not her. I'm so sorry, Boris 42, my heart goes out to you. If you feel the need to give it a couple of weeks you'll do it anyway, no matter how many times we say to drop it. But leave it all to her, don't try to persuade her (she already has all the information she needs), don't extend that period and once it passes - be really done. You deserve to be happy and loved, now. You can't be if you keep her muddying the water with her contradictory and in the end - irrelevant statements. Good luck.

 

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Thank you all..Again, she said she was going to make steps to come back to the UK to be with me even if its not the best move for her career...

As you all say, my big worry is this other guy. They have obviously made plans for the not too distant future but she is telling me they are not serious. At the same time I told her specifically that with him on the scene we are not going to move forward in any respect.. She has told this guy she was meeting with me, and also told me that she doesnt love him, so... i think the proof of the pudding will be in this action of letting him go. If this doesnt happen, then i agree, she needs to go...

Thanks again @Wiseman2 @JoyfulCompany @MissCanuck @Andrina

 

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What comes across in your posts, to my eyes, is two people on drastically different planes trying somewhat desperately to convince the other, and themselves, that this is not the case.

For instance, this...

1 minute ago, Boris 42 said:

Again, she said she was going to make steps to come back to the UK to be with me even if its not the best move for her career...

...feels like you trying very hard to see that she is making all sorts of sacrifices, while to me it looks like the nebulous words people say when they are all over the place (and kind no place) emotionally. My sense is that she sincerely hopes something in her will get reprogrammed by life and she'll truly want to be with you. Since you are great, since you guys have so much history, and so on.

But there is a difference—a very big difference—between wanting something and wanting to want it. What she wants, sincerely, is evident in her present choices: the US, romance that isn't so loaded, all of which seems drastically at odds with your own wants. That you're still considering this while she is dating another person—well, I'd look into that. When the ego gets a shot like that it can be easy to confuse it with the heart. 

The person she is today is not the person she (or you, or me, or anyone) is going to be in two years. So, yeah, I get that there's something appealing and romantic about the idea that, some 700 days from now, what you want today will be real. But I don't think time and people actually work that way, sadly, and if you loosen the blinders of hope a bit I think you'll see that she's already given you the information you need.

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16 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

Again, she said she was going to make steps to come back to the UK to be with me even if its not the best move for her career

A strong intention for commitment should sound more like "It was a mistake to let you go, (a) let's give this LDR another try, (b) I'll talk to the other dude to end it as soon as I get back and (c) I'll be looking into options to relocate back to the UK". And not like:

2 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

So now she says she will sort it out and has to think about it

+ mentioning bringing the dude home for Xmas, which is in 5 months from now. She dated him for 2 months but she already could see herself with him for the next 5. What is she saying with that and why is she saying it?
What about the status of your relationship while she may or may not take steps to relocate back? Are you two on? Did she touch you, hold you, kiss you? None of us is promised our tomorrow, let alone our next two years.
So (a) and (b) are pretty much still up in the air. You're clinging to (c) and she... is a mess.
I hope you see why it doesn't look good from the side.
 

7 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

But there is a difference—a very big difference—between wanting something and wanting to want it.

Exactly.
 

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The friendzone is something an uninterested women puts you in.

The hope-zone is something you put yourself in.

What they fortunately have in common is, no matter who puts you in, you can always opt out of it.

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6 years and no actual ring on her finger would be an issue with many women, and maybe her. Career takes her out of the picture, she's been moving on. You pull her back in, now she knows she has the power. Things are going good with new guy, and I'm sure there has been talk of engagement in the near future..say around Christmas time? Like she's going to tell you anything about that. She will give you the light version. She's in the happy seat. She can promise you things, say she will think about, and you let her do this many times so she knows she can probably keep you on the hook. If things don't work out with new guy, she knows you will be there waiting for her. After this meeting you have, she will go back to new guy with the possible news, and he will prove to her he will be the right choice. He will probably propose a promise of marriage and she can keep her wonderful enriched career. That's a pretty sweet deal.

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Hi All,

Again thank you. i see all your points and i will act on this if within the next 2 weeks something isnt settled as we cannot continue like this for anyones sake..

@smackie9 indeed there was a point that i was going to propose to her but it never felt important to her- we also discussed this recently and she doesnt even think if we had been engaged she would have not gone to the US for her career. I see your point regarding new bloke, so again lets see what the next two weeks bring. If she doesnt end it with him, then indeed our relationship needs to end here, no matter where she plans to be in 2 years time...

@JoyfulCompany, yes we hugged, yes we held hands, yes we kissed.. It didnt go any further, im guessing out of respect for the other guy, but now i need to be shown some respect by her comitting...From what i understood, this guy likes to plan, and she has just gone along with it. She has made it clear to him that she she probs wasnt going to stay in the US, but now hopefully she goes back, says look im going back to the uk to be with my ex, and they finish- end of.. For me this has to be the first sign of her commitment to me.. I completely see where you are coming from, and i also believe she has issues and is a bit of a mess about it all- i also just want her to be happy so im trying to get out of her what will make her happy! If thats not with me- fine, but then dont give me a BS story about planning to come back and then keep on messaging me daily telling me the last time you dreamt about! 🙂

Thanks all

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If she was as excited about reconciliation as you are, she would have no problem ending it with her current guy and making that emotional commitment to you. 

She's talking out both sides of her mouth, and making it seem like she's just along for the ride with him. And yet she hasn't dumped him, which would be quite easy if she were telling the truth about her feelings for him. But OP, you need to wake up. He's not just some guy she's seeing casually, and she's positioning you to be the back-up plan. 

I will bet any money that once she's back in the US and with him, you will get the "we should just be friends" message from her. Protect you heart here, as this is not likely to go the way you hope. 

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Hi Boris, man to man, sorry dude, sounds like you're getting a good trouncing emotionally.   The whole I'm bringing this other guy to meet my parents at Christmas, but I think you might be "the one" for me, sounds like quite a lot of nonsense.

Now if she said "I think I love you both", I do believe that pologamy is possible, but I'm not sure that's acceptable to you, and what she's actually telling you is something elese and is completely contradictory.

Personally, though you feel she is "the one", I'd suggest that you consider the idea that there may very well be another "the one" for you out there, and distance yourself from this woman, as I think for right or wrong, she's just tearing you up to much and confusing you too much emotionally.

 

 

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10 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

 im trying to get out of her what will make her happy.

What will make her happy is bringing her US BF home to meet the parents over Christmas. 

View that as your closure so that you can move forward and be happy.

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Sorry but just even her statement: "I would like a future with you...in two years. But right now I'm with someone else". What does that even mean? I don't think she's really that sure about you but she just doesn't want you to completely get away and find another woman as well. She probably thought that two years sounds like a good, far in the future time frame that won't make you demand anything of her now. I think that's insulting that she's saying she wants a future with you but then blatantly tells you she's actually bringing the other guy home to meet her family. How is that casual if he's flying all the way from the US to meet her family? You don't seriously believe this bs?

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Thanks again all.. @Stargazer2 I did ask her if she loved this other guy and she quickly said no. So to me she is playing us both at the moment. As everyone says she needs to dump him- i see this needs to be face to face- so will give her a few weeks to do this. If it doesnt happen then indeed i am closed off to her for anything in the future and will do my best to move on.. Another issue is that as we work in the same field, her face, name comes up sometimes at conferences etc, but ill deal with that when we get there, and in the meantime block her  (and her family) from all socials etc...

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Yes, you bring up a very, very unfortunate point, namely that you work in the same field.   Sorry man, that's rough...   

I have definitely met some women who you could tell just liked the idea of having more than one guy "into them" and "after them" and I'm sure some men are the same.  I suspect she really does value you and what you two have, at least enough for the tears and the kisses and so on to keep you 'on the hook' so to speak, but sadly not enough to make any career sacrifices for you or to give up other men.    Ouch...

I'm kind of amazed that she would tell you about wanting to bring this other guy home to meet her parents, that almost sounds deliberately hurtful, or like she's just trying to mess with you mind and emotions.   Not impressed with that at all.    I guess personally I would say run the other way just because of that.   It's one thing to admit she's "seeing other people", but she doesn't need to rub your nose in it and imply it's a very serious relationship (meeting the parents), when she knows full well you are totally into her and want a monogamous relationship.  Again, seems almost deliberately hurtful.

Hopefully you someday soon meet someone else who you realize could also be "the one", and get into a good relationship with that new woman, and then maybe having to see this woman because of work will be much less painful at that point, that would be my hope for you...     

Again, my sympathies though, tough situation...

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Posted (edited)

Thanks @Stargazer2

She told me about the 'coming back for Christmas' as she said they had plans that werent easy to change but could be... I dug a bit and she finally told me ..so i dont think this came from a vicious place..She also told me it wasnt a serious relationship but wasnt casual either, so i think she is just a bit confused - as to me these are contradictory terms... As i say, i have now made it very clear to her that this cannot happen if she sees a future with me and she needs to finish with this guy in days/weeks of getting back to the US.. On another note, her parents also still stay in touch with me- which i find also quite strange to be honest (they (and her) sent my daughter a birthday present a few weeks ago for example...)

It was also her bday a few weeks ago when she was back in the UK, and i sent a bunch of flowers to her as a gesture (at her parents house as thats where she was) and yesterday, before starting her journey back today, sent me a message saying she was pressing the flowers to preserve them.. If i was the other guy in this id also be the one running if i knew she was doing this, on the other hand if she is doing it and prepping to get back to him why do this and more importantly why tell me? I dont think i will ever understand to be honest... 

If the dumping of this guy is done (im going to have to take her word for it though..), then it will at least demonstrate the first bit of commitment to me for making a fresh start for us (and also show her i trust what she has said is true) , and then we can look to the next years to get her back to Europe together..and make the most of the situation for the next 2 years...

I really appreciate your advice along the way. You all, just like my friends, tell me i need to get rid and move on but its tough when the feelings i have for her (and our potential future, which i think she has for me as well in many ways when we look each other in the eyes...), so i will give her this final chance to see if her actions speak louder than words... but it really is her final chance, despite the hurt it will cause i know it will be for the best in the future...

Cheers and apologies if i sound like a broken record... 🙂

 

 

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Thanks for the further detail, hopefully there really was no deliberate intent to be hurtful with the "I'm taking this other guy home to meet my parents for Christmas" news, I guess I'm glad that you at least had to drag it out of her, instead of her just casually throwing it in your face.

As you can imagine, like your friends, and like yourself for that matter, there are red flags here, and I hope you can trust her when she says she's broken up with this other guy, that she's really done so, for your sake.

But only you know how you feel about her, and of course no one on this board or probably your friends for that matter has a clue how she really feels about you when she looks in your eyes as you say.

And in any case, I can definitely relate to just not being willing or able to give up on someone because of your strong feelings, even if there seem to be "logical" reasons to do so - been there, done that!.

In fact, to be honest I'm in a marriage now where I love my wife much more than she loves me, and I've been trying for years to try to change that, hoping that "eventually" if I'm just consistently loving enough, she'll "come around" to feeling more for me than she does, though logically, I know now after many years now that that's unlikely.   But I keep trying anyway.

So you're talking to another fool, if it does turn out that you're being one too!

I just hope it does work out, and that she does genuinely choose you and you too have a great future together, despite all these red flags that are truly worrisome.

I'm sure too you'll try to protect yourself by being a bit cautious/suspicious about things going forward, without being so much so that it ruins things of course I guess.   

Too bad you don't have a friend in her circle that could casually take note of what she is up to there, and whether in fact she for example really does stop dating this other guy or not, if she does say she's broken it off with him.

That way, without constantly grilling or doubting her, which might cause a lot of friction, you could know if it really was over between them.

In any case, best of luck to you mate, you deserve to have things work out well, either with her, or someone else, though I know the 'someone else' part is not something you can really conceive of presently.

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Thanks again @Stargazer2. Yes, love makes you do strange things hey! 🙂

Agreed, its a shame im not friends with any of her American friends, although i have connected with a couple of them on FB, as i stayed with them when i went to visit her the first time. But they will always take her 'side' as they have no allegience to me..

I guess we just have to see what happens the next weeks- ive made it very clear to her where i stand and she now has a long journey back so hopefully it will give her time to think and action... Wishing you all the luck too- but hold on to the good in your life... 🙂

Cheers

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