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Ex considering trying again- what should i do?


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Thanks again @JoyfulCompany.. I see exactly where you are coming from. 

If indeed she cannot commit to me now, then i need to let her go fully- no contact with her or her family (for instance, her parents sent my daughter a bday present a few weeks ago- they did this without asking anyone if that was ok- im not sure if it is ok, but that would definately need to stop...)

Then we both move on in whatever direction that is, and if it is our destiny to be together in the future, then let it be, otherwise, it is what it is...As a famous song says 'ce sera sera...' Even if it hurts to cut the cord now, it will be for the best as my mental health is taking a bit of a battering for now...

Again, thanks for the advice, i do really appreciate it...

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1 hour ago, Boris 42 said:

We have discussed an 'open' relationship, but that cannot be with someone who you are building a life up with as a partner

She is building a life in the US with this man. It's sad but eventually you'll have to accept the reality of that. "Open relationship" means she has sex with him because he is there with her to date, kiss, hug and have a real-time in-person relationship with and she throws you a text or crumb now and then.

Your friends are trying to help you and by not entertaining this unrealistic obsession, they are steering you in the right direction. You can not "build a relationship" texting across the ocean . 

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1 hour ago, Boris 42 said:

She already told me it takes a lot of effort with him, which it never did with me and is not the same, but its more about practicalities- we all need a hug sometimes...

Oh, geez, Boris, I'm sorry but she really is rubbing your nose in this with way too much information. Horribly poor form, and I think you're buying a load of bunk. Or we are.

If this is for real, she sounds lacking in empathy and likely to string you along for as long as it suits her to use you for sentimental comfort.

I'm awfully sorry.

 

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Posted (edited)

Thanks @catfeeder- am definately not writing bunk, but indeed it seems she may be, or is just very confused... These were her exact words- does make me wonder what she is telling him..

As i say, ill give it the next 24-48 hours and then its a no from me to her....

Cheers

Edited by Boris 42
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28 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

or is just very confused... These were her exact words

Have you ever said this to a woman? Like, you're in some kind of romance, long, short, doesn't matter, and in parsing through it all you come back to a refrain: "I'm just very confused right now..."

Those words have come out of my mouth, just as I've heard them come out of others. In my experience the translation is something like: "I really, really want to be feeling something that I'm not and don't know how to say that." It's often a passive way of pushing the other person to make the hard, firm move when it's outside of your capacity or maturity.  

After all, everyone is confused, all the time. That's life. I'm confused right now, over stuff, as is my girlfriend. Sometimes we confuse each other, come away dizzy, and have to reconnect. But what's never a source of confusion? That I want to keep doing this thing with her, as she wants to keep doing this thing with me. That part is always clear, simple. If it wasn't? We wouldn't be.

Whatever she is telling the other guy doesn't really matter. Many people are drawn to "I'm confused" because it keeps "serious" or "real" at bay, is catnip to the emotionally unavailable. It can be kind of saucy and dramatic and intriguing. It can turn the ego into a crowbar: Can I be the thing that unlocks the box, turns confusion into clarity? Whether or not that's going on in her world with him—well, I think what matters is that it might be going on with you. 

I get the impression that you've got a lot going for you in life: good job, a young daughter. Is a LDR the thing that best complements all that? Have you even had a chance to really think about all that in the midst of reacting to the gusts of her various winds?    

Edited by bluecastle
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I see where you are coming from @bluecastle

I didnt mean the 'Im confused' were her exact words but what she said was that 'it takes a lot of effort with him, which it never did with me and is not the same...'

Sorry for the confusion! 😀

I do indeed have a lot of good things going on, but i know from how we were before that we could add to each others lifes, even in an LDR for a couple of years if thats what she wants...I have thought about it long and hard over the last months and after being around the block a few times, i have also never felt like this before, and she tells me the same.. If she is just feeding me BS is another matter, and maybe she says that to 'all the boys!'

Therefore i think i have to give her a chance, and thats the decision im giving her now (its either 100% trying with me or nothing...), but the door wont be open for long anymore before i shut it myself...

Thanks again...

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Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Are you afraid of relationships? Why would you even bother with long distance no less with someone who has a BF?

If you stay stalled out in this fantasy it will seem like you are in a relationship, but perhaps the goal is to prevent finding appropriate local available women?

Your friends are correct. They are trying to tell you something, but you won't listen.

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I see where you are coming from both, thank you. I am not emotionally unavailable- at least to her- i think i may be to others at the moment, but that will take time i believe...

The LDR would be for 2 years whilst she winds things up in the US, but indeed, I need to see if she is willing to commit to me and me alone.. If she isnt, then indeed she is emotionally unavailable- at least to me!- so i need to draw a line under it....

Thanks again all..

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23 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

I see where you are coming from both, thank you. I am not emotionally unavailable- at least to her- i think i may be to others at the moment, but that will take time i believe...

The LDR would be for 2 years whilst she winds things up in the US, but indeed, I need to see if she is willing to commit to me and me alone.. If she isnt, then indeed she is emotionally unavailable- at least to me!- so i need to draw a line under it....

Thanks again all..

Don't you think she's already told you this - do you really need her to set it in stone?  My goodness - when I had my future husband in my life and we were going to be long distance I never dreamed of telling him I might want to date others.  My parents saw each other less than once a month for 4 years while my dad was in grad school in another state in the 1950s.  They were loyal to each other then and for the 60 years or so they were married.  Now -if I knew I couldn't see someone for 2 years I wouldn't date them.  The end. 

But from what I read you two can see each other however infrequently -I think that is very challenging (my husband and I saw each other ever 10-14 days which involved air flights much of the time) - but it's doable.  Not doable if she's keeping her options open.  Which she is.  You have to be allllll in or forget it.  

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Another update..

I think you are completely right @Batya33, we both need to be 100% in and it seems she isnt.. She sent me some msgs yesterday saying she was thinking of me etc etc, but then went offline for 12 hours, so obvioulsy with the other guy. I sent a morning text as we normally do, and she replied saying that she hates the fact that all this is hurting me and that she loves me.. I went on to tell her that if she really loved me that much she would be able to get rid of US guy so we could work on our relationship and move forward with it... Again, she said- do i have to answer now..- so i left it at that after her telling me should cant imagine me not being in her life...

I know the right thing to do is block block block but i cant bring myself to do it at the moment.. I think i will give her another 24-48 hours to see what she says but all the information is out there, and its not looking good for us...

Hopefully the next one will be the right one....

Thanks again everyone for joining me on this 'journey'

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2 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

I think i will give her another 24-48 hours to see what she says

Hey Boris,

Jumping in here, but I think you said early last week you're going to give her 24-48 hours.  Now you're going to give her ANOTHER 24-48 hours?

What exactly do you expect will happen in this additional 24-48 hours that will cement firmly in your mind that she's 100% committed to you and only you?  

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You are absolutely correct @boltnrun... I guess im just clinging on to it, which i shouldnt... Why tell me, just before im about to close it off, that she loves me..she had told me before that she doesnt love the new one...i do wonder what she is telling him though.. As you have all said this shouldnt make a difference and I think she cant let me go permenantly but in the end i need to let her go....

Thanks...

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You could keep giving her another 24-48 hours to dump her other boyfriend every three days or so. Before you know it, it will be Christmas time and he's coming home with her to meet the family.

BTW, does she know she has 24-48 hours to break up with the other guy? Or is this just a deadline you've created (and kept extending) but not shared with her?

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5 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

Why tell me, just before im about to close it off, that she loves me..she had told me before that she doesnt love the new one

Does it matter why, in the end?

The point is that she hasn't chosen you. Every day that she doesn't break up with him, she is choosing him. Giving her another 48 hours is futile, because it won't change the fact that she is in no place to commit to you. You wouldnìt keep coming up with arbitrary deadlines otherwise, because this would already be a done deal as she'd have ended it with him.

5 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

I guess im just clinging on to it

Yes, I have to agree. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Dear All,

Just a quick update, as i left the forum for a bit to give myself some space.. 

We have been speaking every day the last few weeks, and she started messaging my daughter again, as well as telliing me she was going to finish with the guy in the US. At the same time as talking every day and telling about what she dreamt of the night before, and how she was chased around by a squirrel, she forgot to mention that she was going to a gig. She did however post about this on social media, where we were still connected.. After seeing this (i am assuming she was going with yankee boy) i told her this is no longer doable, and if she wants to have ANY kind of relationship with me he needs to go and in the meantime i dont want to hear from her. She replied saying she thinks she is too emotianally detached from everyone and thats why she throws herself into her work, but she is going to start therapy for it... At the same time she told me when she was at the gig some of the songs made her think of us and made her sad... She also said she didnt mention it as she didnt want to hurt me... Is this narcissistic behaviour?

I am hurting pretty bad at the moment, and I am now trying to move on, and its tough as i got used to her morning and evening messages again and what i thought was a potential for us to reignite the amazing relationship we used to have, but it seems its not the case.. I have now blocked her and her family from social media (although i just received a bday card from her parents....) so i think thats the end of that. The only way i see any happiness in the situation is if she comes back to the UK single and im single at the same time... To be honest im not really looking forward to putting myself out there, but i think i need to to help myself move on...

Thanks to all again for your advice, its all been very much appreciated.... @MissCanuck @Wiseman2 @JoyfulCompany@bluecastle

Edited by Boris 42
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Well, you extended her deadline two more weeks and all she's done is stall and give you excuses.

Yeah, you definitely deserve better than this.

Of course it hurts. That's completely natural and understandable. But you're doing the right thing. No reason to allow her to continue to string you along and use you for attention.

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Thanks @boltnrun , appreciated.. This is basically what i told her in my last message to her, that i deserve a hell of a lot more, and am not being kept as a reserve just in case she decides to come back here and the fact that she likes talking to me! I needed to see at least some level of commitment but i havent seen any, so i think i did the only thing left to do unless i was going to look like a fool...

 

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Good for you, Boris.

This is a dead-end, and sometimes we need to run into it a couple times before we really accpet that there's no road in front of us. 

You will hurt for a while, but eventually, you will be so much happier with someone else. 

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Dear, Boris 42, thank you for letting us know how it went. I'm sorry you're hurting badly but I think you did the right thing and it's the first step to eventually move on and be able to open up space to meet someone truly amazing.

I was thinking about your topic recently. I had to go on a week-long business trip to another country and the amount and intensity of new things that happened there totally consumed me and wiped out most of the worries of my normal life. For example, I'd typically be very concerned with how someone takes care of my pets when I'm away, I had to leave a few home maintenance related issues unresolved, I had to plan my summer vacation, etc. But everything seemed somewhat abstract/distant/dream-like and here's where I was reminded of your topic. I was thinking - if I'm so impressionable, then LDRs should be out of the question for me. And I thought that maybe your ex has been the same way - engulfed by the immediate surroundings of her overseas life to a point of detachment from the reality she had in the UK. I'm not saying it in her defence. With all my sympathy to you, I felt like you may not really stand a chance. And it's nothing you did or didn't do. It's just about the way some people connect to other people, i.e. via physical closeness (and by that I don't mean only sex).

Now to the moving on part... Cut yourself some slack. I think you never moved on after the first time you broke up (even though you tried to date), which means you still have to more or less grieve the 6 years together plus this extra attempt of making it work. It's a big deal, it won't be easy. You'll quickly get over the habit with the morning texts and it'll still hurt in other ways. You'll feel emptiness where the hope of trying again used to be. That's normal. There's no healthy way to skip that part. You can try to date again right away and it'll be a miserable/messy experience. So it's best to sit with your disappointment and hurt for a while and cling to the compassion you have towards yourself, as you navigate through things. Of course - seek support from your friends/family, plan things you'll enjoy that you can look forward to, vent here if you want to, etc.

You seem to be one of the people who, when they love, they love deeply and actively, which is beautiful. You're able to see the good in someone. You'll love again. : )

And someday you'll look back and be able to clearly see the amount of unfairness and the pile of breadcrumbs you were treated with this time. And you'll feel proud for sticking up for yourself and choosing to grow. Take care and good luck. We're rooting for you.

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23 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

You can try to date again right away and it'll be a miserable/messy experience. So it's best to sit with your disappointment and hurt for a while and cling to the compassion you have towards yourself, as you navigate through things.

I totally agree with this. It's best not to date until you stop thinking of your ex daily. In my experience, that took about 4 months after zero communication began. A new woman deserves an open heart, free of emotional baggage. And it's best for you to go through all the grieving and healing stages without distraction.

Pamper yourself. Try delicious new recipes. Begin a new hobby. Take a vacation. And consider that even if you two are are single in the future and she wants you back, she's a horrible risk to your heart. With time and distance away from her, I think you will see this for yourself.

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Thanks @JoyfulCompany and @Andrina.. Really appreciate these words.. 

I completely agree regarding being engulfed by their surrondings and that was definately the case for her.. I think thats when the communication really started to break down, even though we didnt realise it for a while... I guess thats why i thought there was potential now, due to the fact that the novelty of everything had worn off,  she told me she missed me more, more recently than when we initially split or when she oriiginally moved over there, hence the reason i wanted to give this a chance...

The issue i still have is that she said she was going to come back in 2 years to be with me, but couldnt bring herself to get rid of this american guy, even if she was 'reversing' it.. whatever that means. All of my friends, just like you guys have said i needed to run a million miles in the other direction, and that is what im starting to do now, as indeed she was just keeping me in reserve, which i am not. Today i met with a friend who saw her at a recent conference, and they told me that when questioned about why my ex had split with me (we all knew each other) she got very teary eyed and upset and couldnt really talk about it... All i can hope is that the therapy aspect for her works, and this lets her sort out any inner turmoil, and she realises how she has treated me, and how thats not ok- even if its just for her own personal growth...

Thanks again all, i really have appreciated you all giving your time to some stranger on the internet! 🙂

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