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Ex considering trying again- what should i do?


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Hi All

Just a quick update without a real update. So, she is now back in the US and has been for the last few nights. Each day she has been sending me multiple messages updating me on whats going on as well as sending 'night night' texts. Surely she wouldnt be so viscious to be sending those whilst slept next to this other guy? She has been away for 2 months, so i know if i hadnt seen my 'girlfriend' for 2 months i would make sure im with her when she returns... Am i reading too much into this, when actually i cant read anything?

As ive said ive told her there can be no boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with this guy, but its fine if they hang out and he knows she is with me, and they need to change plans re:coming back to the UK etc... 

If she was being honest with this other guy, if i was him i would also have ran, but who knows what she is telling him as well.. i cant even find him among her socials (and neither can our mutual friends who arent in the UK, so its not as though its blocked to just me....)

I know i should just tell her to p*** off but i cant help thinking she is a bit confused at the moment and i need to give her a few weeks to decide and gather her thoughts about being in an LDR for 2 years..(again i know very generous and i should just run, but i care so much about her...)

Any further advice welcome- although im sure i know what im going to hear

As they say, there aint no fool like an old fool! 🙂

Cheers again

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15 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

Surely she wouldnt be so viscious to be sending those whilst slept next to this other guy? She has been away for 2 months, so i know if i hadnt seen my 'girlfriend' for 2 months i would make sure im with her when she returns... Am i reading too much into this, when actually i cant read anything?

Yes, because you are essentially implying he is the one keeping his distance from her, based on zero evidence of that. 

In fact, she might be sneaking off the bathroom to text you at night. Or indeed texting you when he's beside her. He might not have any idea who she's messaging; plenty of people are deceitful and do the exactly the same thing right under their partner's noses. 

Or maybe he's out of town for work.  Maybe he's got a family issue he's attending to. There are lots of plausible explanations about where she finds the time to send you messages. 

But if you want to see if she's going to walk the walk? Tell her not to send you any more messages unless and until she ends it with him. I bet you any money she waffles and gives you the run-around about being "confused" and needing "time" to make a decision. Give it a try and report back. 

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2 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

Surely she wouldnt be so viscious to be sending those whilst slept next to this other guy?

I had one sending me stuff while she was actively getting pregnant with the other guy. So, never say never. You are not physically there. So there is no way to check what she does or doesnt do. She can say she broke up. But do whatever she wants. She can say one thing to him, the other to you. She can promise both of you whatever you want to hear. But in the end the fact remains that she is sitting in 2 chairs. In case USA one doesnt work out, UK would be there. So, do you want to be a reserve option, losing time hoping she would maybe break up and give you the chance? Or do you want to break that fantasy up and maybe find somebody who would see you as one and only?

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Wow, sorry to hear that @Kwothe28.. Indeed, i obviously dont want to be the reserve... i still think i have to give her some space to sort out her feelings for this guy, but maybe again im being too generous... For example, she just sent me a pic from her bed with the American pets in there (she lives in a house share) and id find that very strange if she was doing that when he was around... i just have to have some patience i guess and hope she realises that what we have is worth keeping, even if it does mean LDR for a couple of years....

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3 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

Surely she wouldnt be so viscious to be sending those whilst slept next to this other guy? thoughts about being in an LDR for 2 years.

Decide what's best for you. LDRs are lonely, frustrating, sexless and ultimately pointless.

 If she is bringing her BF home to meet the family, they are not just playing tiddlywinks together. She enjoys your attention.

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It does indeed @MissCanuck... I guess i will just have to wait for the next weeks to see what happens, with the hope that she realises what we have and could have in the future is stronger...If its not the case, then its obvious she is not the one for me, no matter where she lives and decides to be in the end....

Although to be honest, im not sure how long im going to wait, as if she knew, it would be done straight away without keeping me hanging and talking to me every day!

I dont think i will ever understand...

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7 hours ago, Boris 42 said:

she realises what we have and could have in the future is stronger.

But even you don't know if it is stronger. 

She opted to go live on the other side of the world, without you.  She broke up wih you. She is currently not choosing you, but choosing to keep you on the hook while she dates someone else. I think you need to be more realistic about the prospects here. They sure don't look as strong anymore as you want to believe. 

That foundation you once had is severley compromised. You are hanging on to the idealized version of what could be, rather than considering that you two might not make it even if you did reconcile. There is little to suggest you wouldn't be right back to where you are now, with her opting out of your relationship. I think you need to reflect on the possibility that you two ran your course and getting back together might not mean happily ever after. 

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I completely see your point @MissCanuck. This is why i have to give her a chance to break it off with this guy and if she doesnt then that tells me all i need to know in terms of how she really feels. 

Then indeed, i wont be hanging on as an option...

Cheers

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A quick update... So i asked her if she saw the American yet since she has been back and she says she has, and therefore obvioulsy hasnt split with him yet. In the same breathe though she tells me she feels awfully guilty when with him...

I told her that i dont want her to feel guilty she just needs to make a decision and stick to it, as otherwise im off the radar...

Lets see what unfolds... wish me luck...

Thanks again everyone for being here- its really helped me being able to write this down sometimes and getting your opinions...

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Well I know she's being honest with you so I guess in the very least you have all the information. For example she's telling you that she's seeing that other guy. I think at this point the reality is she's more interested in him than you. Whether it be just a matter of convenience because he's actually there in the US or something else, she's with him and not you. She's preferring to stay in the US and date him rather than return to Europe and be with you. She's even bringing him home to meet her parents.

The thing is when someone says: "I can see a future with you", that's in the context of the two people actually being in a relationship NOW. Dating another guy and living in another country, yet talking about a future with you sounds more like a throw away comment. Like maybe basically saying, well if I wasn't in another country with another guy, things would be great with us. But remember she's not with you by actual choice. She could return to you but she chooses not to.

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Thanks @Tinydance, I get you completely. The thing is she has to stay in the US for at least another 2 years for her job, otherwise the last 2 years has been a waste of time as she needs to get things finished there which i understand. She said she was going to start looking for oppotrunities here for when all was done there (in 2 years) and i believe her about that. What i ask for now is that she gets rid of US guy now or in the very short term if she really does see a future for us... As i say i guess the proof is in any action she takes but then why tell me she feels guilty when with him? I am going to give her a couple more days before i take the decision out of her hands, and make it myself- my head is all over the place at the moment..

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1 minute ago, Boris 42 said:

Thanks @Tinydance, I get you completely. The thing is she has to stay in the US for at least another 2 years for her job, otherwise the last 2 years has been a waste of time as she needs to get things finished there which i understand. She said she was going to start looking for oppotrunities here for when all was done there (in 2 years) and i believe her about that. What i ask for now is that she gets rid of US guy now or in the very short term if she really does see a future for us... As i say i guess the proof is in any action she takes but then why tell me she feels guilty when with him? I am going to give her a couple more days before i take the decision out of her hands, and make it myself- my head is all over the place at the moment..

Well I guess I also don't understand why she actually went to the US? You were together for six years but then she just left because of a job? So in a nutshell she chose the job over you? I just think there's something off when someone chooses a job over their partner. And not just a new partner but someone they've been with for six years. When you move to another country of course you risk losing your partner for good because you're physically not even there and obviously the relationship would really suffer. Why was she not scared to lose you? I would probably also think about that first and foremost. 

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@Tinydance I guess neither of us thought it through originally and thought the relationship was strong enough, but we didnt know it would be a year before seeing each other again..At the time i fully supported her move there... Since then we have spoken about keeping communication open etc, and now if there was an enddate i think the LDR could work... She just needs to now decide if its me for the long haul or if its US guy for a short term fix, but then loosing me for good in the meantime...

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I'm really feeling for you, having been in shoes where I so, so want something, and someone, that I'm resistant to seeing—and maybe to feeling—what's happening. 

Look at this from a birds-eye view for a moment, and what do you see? A woman dating a guy in the US while telling her ex in Europe that she feels "guilty" doing so, as if asking you to soothe her feelings. She uses words like "future" with you, without acknowledging that the future is not some mysterious entity: it is simply the choices you make in the present, plus time. Her choices right now are already adding up to the opposite of you. Stir in time and all that gets compounded.  

Put another way: she is being awfully shady with not one, but two human beings. It's a pretty lousy look on anyone. Does that make her a terrible person? No. I can relate to where she's at as well, in ways, having made some regrettable choices at certain turbulent junctures. But does it make her a terrible person to invest your emotional chips in? I would say yes, unequivocally, as I would say about myself when I've acted in ways she's acted now.

The big irony is: If she is anywhere as great in your core as you believe her to be, when she steps out of this saucy, quasi-juvenile phase she's in the odds are very, very low that she's going to want to invest in someone (you, American dude) who took her seriously when she was behaving as she's now behaving. No one wants their worst, more immature selves reflected back at them. 

Meanwhile, this little conceit you've created—where everything hinges on whether or not she brings this guy home for Christmas—is, I think, a way of rationalizing hanging on a little longer and keeping at bay the full force of the hurt that's already stirring. Christmas is almost half a year away. As is, she can now spend that nearly half a year dating him, seeing what's what, feeding you crumbs of comfort, and if ultimately she decides to bring him home? She can tell you that 48 hours before. And if she doesn't? She can come home for a spell and have a repeat of what you've just been through. 

I am all for making risky, sometimes irrational choices when it comes to matters of the heart, seeing if a hope can be realized under seemingly hopeless circumstances. Where I've learned to draw the line is: I will make those choices inside a relationship with someone who continues to choose to be in a relationship with me, no matter how topsy-turvy the whole thing has gotten. Break that pact and I don't see the point.  

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Thanks @bluecastle. I agree completely.

For now it does not hinge on bringing this guy back or not, it hinges on if she gets rid of him in the next week or so... And then indeed, i need to take her word for that. If she doesnt do that, US dude can have her, as it shows that she wasnt willing to commit in me, and in my eyes at least, i am worth a lot more than that, and i would hope a partner would think so too especially one who you already have a long history with..

As i say, i have sent her another message for her to ponder if she sees potential for us given she knows what i have said in terms of not being with US dude as a partner... I am going to give her 24 hours to decide, otherwise i am going to be the one who has to walk away and completely block, no matter how much that is going to hurt...

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It will hurt a million times more to be strung along while she's building another life with another person, while you're sticking to your high hopes of a joint future. And you know that.

So, whatever happens, as long as you stand up for yourself, you'll be fine eventually. I'm sorry that so far things aren't going as per your heart's desire. Sometimes there's genuine love and you can see the full potential but for some reason the other party doesn't view things the same way and there's nothing you can do. I really try to view such situations as "man's rejection is god's protection" (even though I'm not religious). Because you never know what's cooking under their hat, so you never have the full information to conclude wether some outcome is ultimately good or bad for you.

I presume it's very tough for you at this moment with all the uncertainty and waiting. I know I would lose my sleep and appetite over something like that. But once time is up, if she's unwilling to commit and you end it altogether, it will only become easier from then on. If by some miracle she actually accepts your "offer", please, proceed with caution.

Take care, Boris 42.

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Posted (edited)

Thank you both @JoyfulCompanyand @MissCanuck

I agree @MissCanuck but i think the issue is having someone there for now, and he is and im not as we are not in the same place. She already told me it takes a lot of effort with him, which it never did with me and is not the same, but its more about practicalities- we all need a hug sometimes... We have discussed an 'open' relationship, but that cannot be with someone who you are building a life up with as a partner as she seems to be doing with this one, which is why im against it... I will give her a couple more days, but then indeed i am done, even if it does hurt a hell of a lot. I like your thinking @JoyfulCompany, maybe its to make sure im protected in the future from her- although as i say i will probs see her at conferences etc due to work which could be fun to say the least

Again, thanks to everyone for the sounding board.. this past week ive been a bit of a mess to be honest, and i think my mates are getting sick of the mention of her name! 🙂

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44 minutes ago, Boris 42 said:

i think the issue is having someone there for now, and he is and im not as we are not in the same place. She already told me it takes a lot of effort with him, which it never did with me and is not the same, but its more about practicalities- we all need a hug sometimes... We have discussed an 'open' relationship, but that cannot be with someone who you are building a life up with as a partner as she seems to be doing with this one, which is why im against it...

From the outside this looks a lot like trying to split some very, very small hairs. From everything you're writing it's hard to imagine a world in which you would be sincerely comfortable with her dating anyone, in any form, regardless the human need for a "hug sometimes." 

I read that and I see someone chewing on some crumbs and trying to convince himself they're sating a deep hunger. My impression is that you want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship but know that that desire is at odds with where each of you are in life right now, geographically and emotionally.

She just saw you, after all, and in that wasn't unable to say: hey, yeah, let's give it a go! To think that more time apart from you is going to whip around to that in a few days looks a lot like magical thinking.

And I don't think the reason is the other guy, and that placing focus on him is really just a distortion field. I think she's looking into the horizon and seeing a lot of itches she needs to scratch, and space to figure out who and where she'll be during and after these years in the US. That's scary, and it's understandable (if aggravating and selfish and revealing) that she'd like to hold onto you as she keeps stepping out into those waters—a toehold in the "known" as she ventures into the "unknown." There's no malice there, I don't think, but that doesn't mean you're not absorbing real pain. 

It really sucks. I'd imagine you, like millions of others in their own stories, often think: if only there was no pandemic, then we'd have seen each other enough to keep and strengthen the bond. And, who knows, maybe that would have been the case, and it's very hard to mourn that. But the pandemic happened, and changed things. She's not the person she was when she left, and there is really nothing you can do to change that. 

Were I to give advice as the best shot of this working out with you two, it would be to put a firm stop on everything right now. The texting, the communicating about every nuance of her housemates' pets and her American dude—that is like stuffing the pipe you want clean with more and more silt. Let her live her life, live yours, and trust that time will deliver the answers with far more clarity than how you're trying to excavate them now. 

 

 

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Ah, yes, the possibility of an open relationship, I was going to comment on that as well...

 - This means adding more chaos to the equation, another point of potential rift in an already fragile situation that didn't succeed without any 3rd party involved at the first iteration.

 - You're making more and more compromises, stepping further and further back from your ultimate goal/dream, just so you "keep" this woman in your life under some form... I know what you want isn't immediately possible (if at all) and you're trying to stay "realistic" but maybe you and her in a LTR is... well, just unrealistic.

Are you sure you want to be in an open LTR? Will you be okay to know she's dating/hooking up? Will you be available for dates/hookups while maintaining a strong emotional connection with her? You already mentioned trying to look up the other guy on FB or something. Yeah, yeah - different story ("more than casual and less than love", right) but can you live with such doubts all the time - how serious a situation on the other side of the ocean might or might not be... or become?

I know you're at a stage where you're motivated to look for solutions and ignore concerns - you're finding excuses, clinging to words, giving time, offering alternatives, etc. (we've all been there). But is this a reasonable detour to your dream or is it a road to an emotional swamp? Are you making it easier for her to decide or are you setting yourself up for being easily taken for granted?

I don't like that she broke up with you the moment you got to the US - first time she saw you in a year (correct?). I don't like that it's your initiative to try again after that. I don't like that she talks about the future yet she's unable to make up her mind in the present. And "She told me about the 'coming back for Christmas' as she said they had plans that weren't easy to change but could be"? Excuse me? What's so difficult in cancelling something 5 months from now?

I fully sympathize with you, so I'm saying things I would say to a friend who I would not like to see hurting. In the end it's your choice what to allow in your life.

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