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She is going away for the summer do we need a talk?


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2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She said "OK so I should go on dates without telling you? Or since you are so cool maybe I should ask you for advice on what to wear?". So I said "It is a long summer and it is possible we will meet other people so how about we only tell each other if we meet someone we like more". She seemed to like that and said "Ok it is a deal".

It sounds like you are confusing flirty banter with infatuation and trying very hard to get her attention by playing Mr. cool. As you mentioned, she has plenty of men to choose from.

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4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

We kind of had a talk about it last night.  She said "Guess who texted me that he is in London?". I correctly guessed that it was this Spanish guy she met in Luxembourg a month ago when she went on a weekend break with a girlfriend.  She mentioned he had just bought a house in Tenerife and shortly afterwards asked how I would feel if she went to Tenerife. I said she can go on holiday wherever she wants. She asked "With whoever I want?" and I said "Sure". And at the time she said she liked how cool I am. But then a week later said she texted the guy to say she wouldn't be visiting him there. She hasn't mentioned him since until last night. So I said "Seems you made quite an impression on him!". She said "Do you feel jealous?". I was like "Not really" and she got upset and said if I cared about her I would feel jealous and she didn't realize I was this cool.

Lol, she just wanted to make you jealous to see if you care. Dunno if I should commend you on that reaction to her mind games or scold you because you just gave her a green light to do whatever she wants.

Anyway, she isnt a girl for something serious. Then again you dont act like you are looking for something serious so there is that too.

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5 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She said she wanted to go to Turkey with her mother but her mother wasnt keen because Turkish people don't like Greeks. She then said we should go to Turkey together and you can protect me because they don't like me

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Well my guess is you're actually not that into her or head over heels for her. You've been seeing her regularly for a few months and now she seems to really like you but you find it too "full on". If you really liked her too and wanted to be in a relationship, I don't think you'd find it too much. I actually don't see what's wrong if you've been seeing someone for a while and you like them to express that you like them. Usually when someone gets scared by that it just means that they're not really that interested.

I want to add also that that's not a problem if you're not really feeling it but if she wants something more, this casual thing might actually fizzle out soon. I mean, you're probably not on the same page so it's not really going to end well. I agree that her jealousy is a bit over the top but I think maybe she can sense you're not as into her as she is into you. And she's trying to play games and mentioning other guys to make you jealous in return. Which isn't necessarily very mature of her.

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Posted (edited)

Oh she also says she has a hard time trusting me because she is new to online dating and is used to meeting people through common friends or at parties so there is always someone who can vouch for the person. She says she only knows what I tell her so she has to trust my words. But she also knows my kisses and hugs are real so she chooses to trust them. And she thinks when you don't trust someone that makes you automatically jealous. And she wishes she met me in a different setting so she can trust me more and feels this is something we need to work on.

In the past she has also mentioned a few times she has commitment phobia and that she sabotages anything good because she is good at making bad choices.  

So I think in general a casual arrangement probably suits us both best.

I do not see the point of getting involved with someone with trust and commitment issues and a habit of sabotaging potential relationships. And while she says she likes me a lot and misses me and talks about future activities together she isn't pushing for anything and seems OK to continue dating non-exclusively.  

 

Edited by jazz_lover
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Yes sounds fine to continue a casual dating arrangement. Since she is a commitmentphobe and doesn’t trust you I’d make sure to have clear communication about what happens if you two conceive a baby. Seems messy to be sexually involved with someone who doesn’t trust you because of how you two met.  And if she is afraid generally of commitment then if she gets pregnant that kind of complicates the options. 

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5 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

she has a hard time trusting me because she is new to online dating and is used to meeting people through common friends or at parties so there is always someone who can vouch for the person. She says she only knows what I tell her so she has to trust my words. But she also knows my kisses and hugs are real so she chooses to trust them. And she thinks when you don't trust someone that makes you automatically jealous. And she wishes she met me in a different setting so she can trust me more and feels this is something we need to work on.

In the past she has also mentioned a few times she has commitment phobia and that she sabotages anything good because she is good at making bad choices.  

Sounds like a barrel of laughs. Can totally see why you want more of that. Do you also like getting your teeth drilled at the dentist?

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She texted me yesterday with photos as she remembered I wanted a cap as a souvenir. 
 
Then later she said she is very popular in Athens (where she is visiting a friend) and had 900+ likes in a few hours. Referring to the dating app we met on. 

I played it cool saying that Athenian men clearly have excellent taste and she changed topic and asked what I was up to and we had a normal conversation. My friend thinks that I should just ignore her when she tries to make me jealous as it’s disrespectful and childish to rub in my face.
 

I know she seems like hard work. But most of the time when we text and spend together she is fun and amusing and upbeat and very sweet. 
 

And maybe she is used to Greek men pressuring her and acting more jealous and possessive so is trying to get a reaction. 
 

 
 

 

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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

Then later she said she is very popular in Athens (where she is visiting a friend) and had 900+ likes in a few hours. Referring to the dating app we met on. 

What an accomplishment. 

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

I know she seems like hard work.

She seems immature and attention-seeking. Not girlfriend material at this point in her life. You will learn this the hard way, it seems. 

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2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I played it cool saying...

Texting this much while she is on holiday is not "playing it cool". It's showing her you have too much time on your hands while she's off having fun. Sounds like a game.

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3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

and had 900+ likes in a few hours. Referring to the dating app we met on. 

"I changed timezone and suddenly 900+ horny Greek guys swiped on me OMG lol".

Just another proof what I talked about dating apps and how some people use them like an Instagram for validation.

3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

But most of the time when we text and spend together she is fun and amusing and upbeat and very sweet. 

That is not an issue. She can always be "fun" when you go out or when you text each other. She knows what to say and talk, when you go out you will have drinks, you will dance, maybe even have sex etc. Issue is that, that kind of girls dont stick around. And neither should you. She likes attention. Once she stops getting it from you or likes somebody else attention more, she would fizzle. If you are both for that kind of arrangement where you have fun until it lasts, fine. But know what you are in about, that you wont get more, and what would most likely happen so it would be no surprises later.

Edited by Kwothe28
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On 7/13/2022 at 10:37 AM, jazz_lover said:

We do not know each other that well and I think the focus should be getting to know each other better and assessing compatibility. 

 

Come on now lol.  Stop with the nonsense.  This is an excuse; this hasn't even ALMOST been your focus and you know it.  🙄

My advice remains the same, let her know you were/are just in it to get laid and eat takeout.  I'm sure she already knows, but it might be a good idea to just say it so there's no further misunderstanding.

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18 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She texted me yesterday with photos as she remembered I wanted a cap as a souvenir. 
 
Then later she said she is very popular in Athens (where she is visiting a friend) and had 900+ likes in a few hours. Referring to the dating app we met on. 

I played it cool saying that Athenian men clearly have excellent taste and she changed topic and asked what I was up to and we had a normal conversation. My friend thinks that I should just ignore her when she tries to make me jealous as it’s disrespectful and childish to rub in my face.
 

I know she seems like hard work. But most of the time when we text and spend together she is fun and amusing and upbeat and very sweet. 
 

And maybe she is used to Greek men pressuring her and acting more jealous and possessive so is trying to get a reaction. 
 

 
 

 

Well I understand you're seeing her casually but yes she does sound like very hard work. She just doesn't sound very mature. If she likes you then she should just say that and express what she's looking for. Constantly trying to make you jealous by talking about how many guys are liking her on dating apps to make you jealous is lame. She's playing games and do you really need that? Also it's actually not that hard to get likes on dating apps as a woman, in particular on hookup type of apps like Tinder. She keeps boasting about it but really it's nothing special.

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Yeah after she mentioned the 900+ guys we chatted a bit about Athens as I’d visited before. But mid conversation she fell asleep or something it was 2am Greek time so understandable. But haven’t heard from her all weekend. Usually she initiates text conversations. Maybe she’s distracted with 900+ other guys or playing hard to get or something. 
 

But I figure too much texting is dangerous anyway so better to leave it until she gets back in touch.

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She’s 30. She doesn’t brag about anything else. She’s a simple non materialistic primary school teacher and dresses simply and doesn’t wear much make up. 
 

But this is the second time when she’s gone on holiday she’s mentioned her “popularity” on the app. I remember a month or so ago she texted me saying she’d just texted the dating app and it looks like they really like her in Luxembourg!
 

Also she did mention a guy she met in Luxembourg with the house in Tenerife who invited her to stay with him and indirectly asked me a few weeks after that if I’d mind. Then told me she had texted him she wasn’t going and asked me to guess his response and he suggested august instead and when she said she needed to be back at work in august he suggested she got a teaching job in Luxembourg! 
 

I kinda feel it is insecurity as if she really was dating all there guys she’d shut up about it instead of trying to provoke some kind of reaction from me. I know we aren’t together and we already kinda agreed it’s ok to see other people and just to let the other know if we met someone we liked better but otherwise no need to mention. 
 

Not sure what to read into the radio silence this weekend. She’s been on holiday over a week and before the weekend she was texting me every day.

 

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Also don’t know how this all squares up with her saying all the time she really likes me and really fancies me and misses me and so on. If that were true she wouldn’t be fooling around on dating apps or texting random Luxembourg guys she met on holiday. Obviously we are just dating at the moment and it’s non exclusive so all the above is fine but I think it’s mixed messages and leading me on a little. 

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30 years old?

Good grief. She sounds like an attention-hungry teen. Why you consider a woman like this a solid dating candidate escapes me. There are better-quality women out there who don't need to brag about how desirable they are. 

Your picker is broken. 

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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

I think it’s mixed messages and leading me on a little. 

You enjoy the attention and she enjoys your attention. Stop texting until she gets back. She's meeting a bunch of Adonis' so don't sit there pondering over her. You're leading yourself on by fooling yourself that chasing her is "playing it cool".

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Yeah I think it would be a good idea to cut back on the texting but not sure quite how to do so without her getting upset. She has been texting me a lot less since she went on holiday with her friend to a beach resort.

She texted me last night  with some photos of a shop selling novelty shops she walked past on her way back to her hotel one of which was nutella socks (she loves nutella!) i commented on the snoopy socks mentioning snoopy was my favourite cartoon. she asked "Why?". I said i like the humour and the TV series has a jazz score and I love jazz. Then she asked "Why do you love jazz?" and the conversation continued in this vein with question after question until she obviously fell asleep or something mid conversation (there is a time difference so partly understandable). Then again late afternoon a souvenir shop photo of a silly T shirt with a mermaid's body so when you put it on you are the face. This was a reference to a parody theatre show we went to a few weeks ago of the little mermaid so i guess it made her think of us or something. 

But I am starting to get the feeling she just texts me because she is bored or wants a bit of attention from me and not because she misses me or anything and I do not want to seem too available but at the same time I do not want to ignore her when she is trying to make an effort to stay in touch during her holiday and letting me know indirectly she is thinking about me even though she is having fun with her friends and so on.  The other day she also sent some photos of a beach hut saying she would love to hide from the sun in there with me and some photos of the private swimming pool in her hotel saying she would like to drink wine with me at nights and then have sex.

It is all very random

 

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9 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I am starting to get the feeling she just texts me because she is bored or wants a bit of attention from me and not because she misses me or anything

Yes, you are far too overinvested, too available and too overinvolved. Cut the texting chitchat. You're putting yourself in the fanclub-zone and becoming a male-girlfriend.

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Yeah will try to cut back the texting. She’s mostly just sending holiday photos. 


She sent me a photo of a birthday card with penguins spelling happy birthday saying happy early birthday. 
I couldn’t help being impressed as a week before she went on holiday we went to the zoo and I mentioned penguins are my favourite and also my birthday is in a month and I think I only told her my birthday once quite shortly after we first met and I can’t even remember hers. Maybe its just a ploy to keep me on the hook so I’m still an option for her when she’s back and left the adonises behind but it is awfully sweet 

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