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She is going away for the summer do we need a talk?


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44 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Maybe its just a ploy to keep me on the hook so I’m still an option for her when she’s back and left the adonises behind but it is awfully sweet 

Why in the world would you be having intercourse with someone you have so little trust for? 

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Hey Jazz,

Sorry if this is harsh, but I have read all your posts and its just my take. 

Stop trying to scry womens' intent through vagaries of text messages and inferred dating practices. Decide what you want, state it clearly and unambiguously and if it doesn't align, move on.

In all your posts, you have such little regard for the women you date and attribute malintent to all of  them.  Reading between the lines is valuable, but you take it too far and ignore the lines themselves. You appear paralysed when it comes to making the moves necessary to progress a relationship, yet blame the women who show interest for somehow not doing it the correct way or doing too fast. Honestly, all the bad things or red flags you describe seem to be either inferred or imagined, at least initially until they manifest in reality through your own inaction. You are creating this reality.

Even if you are indeed unlucky enough to be consistent pursuing poor choices, your inability to simply end these relationships at a healthy juncture is the problem, not the women themselves. 

Take it for what you will and hopefully reflect on whatever you think is salient. The only person you can control is you, so when you find yourself in this recurring position, self reflection is key imo.

Good luck,

T

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8 hours ago, WaywardKiwi said:

In all your posts, you have such little regard for the women you date and attribute malintent to all of  them.  

Agree. You have a habit of picking foreigners, stereotyping and denigrate them. You also have a habit of trying to play Mr cool and casual referring to them as FWB, hookups, latest squeeze, etc.

It's reminds me of the Groucho Marx's quote: “I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”

Since you claim the ED has caused issues and break-ups and it's not physical, a psychologist could help you identify some self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and help you replace those with better self esteem and more productive behaviors.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Yeah I guess I'm overanalyzing. It is a positive she is making an effort to stay in touch even when she is busy having fun on holiday and I will find out where I stand when she returns in a month or so. 

I don't think the ED alone is a deal breaker as it is only a very occasional issue and I haven't had it with this girl because when we are together in bed she makes me feel comfortable and I do not feel she is judging me. It was more of an issue with the other girl especially towards the end when things were heading south and even the way I breathed started to annoy her! And in general I think this girl is so much nicer and far more interested. But obviously early days and she is on holiday and out of sight out of mind and plenty of distractions and she's going to meet other people so not pinning all my hopes on her especially when she says she has commitment phobia. But I am hoping that when she returns from Greece we can continue dating and things will be a lot easier and less confusing when we see each other regularly again and get to know each other through spending time face to face and enjoying fun activities together.  

 

 

 

 

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The vast majority of people who say they have commitment phobia do not.  Phobias are rare in general.  The vast majority of people who utter those words to a person they are having sex with simply want to make sure their sex partner knows there will be no commitment so there is no leading on and it's easier than saying "I don't see myself committing to you". 

Many people with "commitment phobia" in quotes miraculously are cured when they become the right person to find the right person and choose commitment over fear.  Fear is not phobia. 

Many people have fears and concerns about committing romantically.  But they choose commitment over fear just like many people choose X over fear because they want X badly. 

Do you typically refer to your sex partners as "girls?" They're adult women, right? Do you feel like a "boy" when you are having sex - childlike or childish? Perhaps that is contributing to your ED. 

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Batya I appreciate referring to women as girls is a pet hate of yours as you have commented on threads by other posters but feel it is a little unkind to react by making some amateur psycho sexual analysis over what is really semantics. I thought this forum was a supportive environment so shared on another thread some insecurities i have over my sexual performance and I feel you are using those insecurities to attack me because of a choice of wording you disliked.
 

Usually I find your advice sage and helpful and liked the comments you made about commitment phobia as I also agree that high interest level tends to overcome fears and doubts and maybe will be the case with this scenario assuming things progress when she gets back from Greece. Also agree people use it as a disclaimer but maybe it’s because she has a track record of running away from guys that try to pressure her into a relationship and it would be different with someone she likes enough to want to commit to. 
 

 

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2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

she says she has commitment phobia. But I am hoping that when she returns from Greece we can continue dating and things will be a lot easier and less confusing.

She likes drama, you like drama, she likes texting, you like texting, she likes attention, you like attention so in a way it's working for now.

Commitmentphobia is something invented when one person is simply not as into the other.

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3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Batya I appreciate referring to women as girls is a pet hate of yours as you have commented on threads by other posters but feel it is a little unkind to react by making some amateur psycho sexual analysis over what is really semantics. I thought this forum was a supportive environment so shared on another thread some insecurities i have over my sexual performance and I feel you are using those insecurities to attack me because of a choice of wording you disliked.
 

Usually I find your advice sage and helpful and liked the comments you made about commitment phobia as I also agree that high interest level tends to overcome fears and doubts and maybe will be the case with this scenario assuming things progress when she gets back from Greece. Also agree people use it as a disclaimer but maybe it’s because she has a track record of running away from guys that try to pressure her into a relationship and it would be different with someone she likes enough to want to commit to. 
 

 

I find it telling because of the contextual comments you make about your sex partner.  As per Wiseman's comments too.  I don't think it's semantics at all - especially given the context.  Totally fine if you disagree and it sounds like you'd be comfortable being called a boy.

We can agree to disagree- I've seen countless "track records" -labeled as such ... until the person meets the right person.  Anyway you're not dating her seriously nor do you wish to so it really doesn't matter.

Edited by Batya33
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6 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Also agree people use it as a disclaimer but maybe it’s because she has a track record of running away from guys that try to pressure her into a relationship and it would be different with someone she likes enough to want to commit to. 

Gamophobia(fear of commitment) is a fairly common thread of people with narcissism. Like for example people who want attention to the point they are boasting how they have 900+ likes in a few hours on dating sites. Its because narcissist doesnt want your love. They want your attention and to control you. To feed their ego. They are commitmentphobes because they are incapable of real emotions and being vulnerable. Real relationship requires that so as they are incapable of that, they run. She has a track record of that and shows narcissistic tendencies. You do the math.

Anyway, I quoted that passage because I think you delude yourself if you are dealing with somebody like that. No ammount of you showing her how you are different then 900+ Greeks would make her want to commit with you. As she is incapable of doing so. I am not telling you that to discourage you. Generally, if you just want non-commital relationship or even to lose time there to try to prove to her something, who are we to tell you that you shouldnt? Just saying that in my opinion you wont get what you look there, if that is some commitment. 

Edited by Kwothe28
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9 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

And in general I think this girl is so much nicer and far more interested

Your bar is set too low. 

A nice and interested woman isn't going to be bragging about all the dudes who "like" her dating profile. As much as you might not see it as a red flag, it most certainly is. This woman is much more about having admirers than looking for a decent guy to enjoy a relationship with. 

Have fun if you choose, but don't expect her to become your girlfriend. 

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What I actually found a bit confusing about your post is that you said yourself that you've just been seeing this woman casually. And something along the lines of "it's been fun but I'm just not sure how I feel and if I'm really into her". From everything you wrote it sounds like she maybe seemed more interested in you than you in her.

So I don't really understand what your question actually is? If you're not sure about her and it's just casual then you could just continue as you are and don't commit to anything more. If it bothers you that she talks about other guys and you're finding her too much hard work, then you could just end with her and start seeing other women.

What I find a bit odd is how much you're posting about this woman but you said you don't even know if you feel much for her. If you're just having a fun fling with her then I don't think you need to be so fixated on why she's displaying XYZ behaviours or what it means.

Most FWB eventually fizzle out and seeing as she's talking to all these guys, obviously she's not trying to commit to you either. So you can easily just put minimal effort into her and just have fun with her when she comes back. She's meeting other guys so you can meet other women too.

Edited by Tinydance
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Yeah it should be pretty straightforward....we are obviously casually dating and because of the distance we are going to be meeting other people over the summer as we aren't exclusive. 

But she got jealous again midweek. She sent me some meme about the UK heatwave around 9pm. I didn't reply until the next morning sending her a funny video of Camila Cabello a singer we both like dancing in her sickbed with coronavirus. We joked a bit about that and then she said "First time I texted you at night and you didn't reply...." I said "Sorry I was busy with friends and by the time I read it I realized it was past midnight your time so figured it could wait until the morning". She said "Glad you had a fun night!" "Sorry for the bad timing next time i will check the time to be sure not to disturb". 

Then later on she sent me some holiday photos from the island she was visiting and a photo of an unpronounceable greek dessert. I tried saying it via a voice message making her laugh and she sent a voice message with the correct pronounciation. I said "I love when you speak greek" she sent another voice message in greek. I asked what it meant and she said "What language was the girl from last night speaking?". I said "The only foreign language I am interested in is Greek". And she said "You do know that doesn't answer my question?" And "If you keep making me jealous I will stop texting you!". I said "You are imagining all these women and besides you have 900+ men in Athens". She said "I don't imagine I ask questions and you avoid replying". I said "I think all this texting is making things complicated lets have a video call later. We did that and she looked happy to see me and we flirted a bit and everything seemed fine after that.

But the next day she started sexting me a bit and apologies for the explicitness but at some point I said something like "I'm remembering how tight you are..." and she said "I hope I won't disappoint you..." and I said "You never disappoint me" and she said "It is a bit hard not to disappoint you these days" and I said "What do you mean?" and she said "I wouldn't like to talk about it. I like you" I changed the topic and she started chatting about some article she read in Greek Cosmo or something and it petered out after a bit. But her comments confused and upset me. My interpretation from the context was she wants to sleep with other men. Well it is none of my business but I don't see why she had to rub it in my face by making that comment when we were just sexting and having fun and when she said she doesn't want to talk about if of course I assumed the worse.

I do not understand why it is getting complicated. In London we would flirt or sext a bit by text during the week or make each other laugh and then date and sleep together at the weekend. But she is getting jealous and making me jealous too with cryptic comments and talk of how popular she is in her country. 

Is it better to simply say that I don't want all this texting and misunderstandings to ruin things and shall we take a break and pick things up again in London when she is back? But my worry is she would take that as rejection and go cold on me and not want to see me again. She is very sensitive. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It's complicated because both of you two are on different wavelengths, conducting your communication mostly by typing and resorting to immature ways of typing and texting.  If you're only casually dating then casually date in person and make a plan to meet up when she is back.  Otherwise I'd avoid keeping in touch. You are making it complicated.

Edited by Batya33
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Yeah I don't think we are capable of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy and neither of us seems interested in exclusivity so probably better to just agree to try to pick things up again end of the summer.   She is still away for another month and I am worried that all this jealousy building up will ruin things. 

What is the best way to bring this up with her without making her feel upset or rejected? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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1 minute ago, jazz_lover said:

What is the best way to bring this up with her without making her feel upset or rejected?

You're not dating or exclusive so don't have relationships talks. Just stop the cheeky texting and games. You seem terrified that she'll find someone better while there, so slow your roll.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not dating or exclusive so don't have relationships talks. Just stop the cheeky texting and games. You seem terrified that she'll find someone better while there, so slow your roll.

Simply and directly with a compliment sandwich "I've enjoyed many of our texts while you have been away.  I look forward to seeing you when you're back and I think it makes more sense if we catch up when you're back instead of texting while you are away - I'm getting the sense that there's too much room for misunderstandings when we text especially because we're both busy and geographically distant - and I'd love to keep things fresh and positive and reconnect when you're back.  Enjoy!

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15 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

But my worry is she would take that as rejection and go cold on me and not want to see me again. She is very sensitive. 

No, she isn't. 

She sure wasn't sensitive to your feelings when she bragged about all the men who liked her dating profile, was she? Imagine you had said the same thing to her. What you're describing ins't being sensitive. It's her having a big ego and hanging you out to dry when it suits her agenda. 

Bottom line? She doesn't tip-toe around you. You need to quit tip-toeing around her. 

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She does sound like pretty hard work from what I'm reading from your posts. I don't think you really did anything wrong because you're not talking about other women or anything. Yet she's very suspicious and jealous and keeps alluding that you're seeing other women and questioning you about it. Because of her own jealousy she feels like she needs to "get back at you" by saying she's getting likes from 900 men on dating apps. First of all I doubt she really got likes from 900 men. That seems like a lot and also was she counting? Like she went through and counted every single guy who liked her? She doesn't sound very mature. 

Also if she wants more than casual then she needs to be upfront with you about what she's looking for. Instead she seems to be playing games hoping that if she keeps talking about other guys, you'll immediately want to be her boyfriend. 

Also if you don't reply to her message immediately she questions you why you didn't reply. You're allowed to have a life. Your life doesn't just revolve around her and giving her attention 24/7. Especially as she's not actually your girlfriend.

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You're treating this like a long term committed relationship and she's treating this for what it really is. A lot of flirting, banter, insincere nonsense, games, textbuddies and nothing more.

Step way back. Find other amusements to occupy your time better.

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In the olden days ie. 80s and 90s if two people were casually dating and one went on a long trip/away for summer, the understanding was you might speak once or send a postcard etc but you'd see each other when you were back in the same city.  In 1993-94 I did more casual dating than since I was a teen -I was in my late 20s and dated someone casually for 6 months.  We saw each other about once a week. No sex.  He traveled a lot for work. 

One week he was gone all week in Germany.  He called me from Germany -which was a huge deal back then.  I was really impressed.  We spoke for about 10 minutes or so.  I remember it well -it was a Friday night when he called and he hadn't said he would call (and no email back then either) -it was a pleasant surprise. Neither of us had expectations about keeping in touch because we were casually dating.  Just because now it's easy to chat all day and post photos of the latte you had after your photo of the oysters whatever.  And in your case the downsides far outweigh any "benefits".

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