Trying to figure out the relationship (Red flags)

[Jeannette80]

Hello. I would like some thoughts and opinions about the guy im dating for 2 months. We met online and started dating. He is divorced (3 years ago) with a son. From almost day 1 he showed enthousiasm and he showered me with excessive  compliments and affection, messaging all day, talking about future plans with me, said he loved me, that he found what  he was looking for etc. You get the point. Too fast, too soon. But now he is a bit changed. 

During this 2 months im trying to figure out his personality because some things dont feel right. 

Examples :

*Hot and cold. One day affection, the other distance. 

* We plan for a trip, cant decide where to go, i give him 3 choices (1 of them is his suggestion) and he chooses something else instead. He doesnt want to have things my way?? He wants to choose his own thing? 

*Drops me at my house and i ask him"would you like to come to my place? " and he answers" you are not inviting me, you are asking me in this way". What? He wants me to beg?? Playing with Words? 

* We agree to go out to a place  and he gives me 3 choices about where we should meet Example: At the gas station, at his house, or else. If i choose something else rather than his house he tells me " See? You didnt want to meet at house so you dont spend the night with me". Testing me to see if i want him?? 

*He says "i think someone else would suit you better than me" And i reply "are you trying to tell me that i you and i dont match? " And he says" i just wanted to see your reaction and what your reply would be ". 

* He doesnt admit something for example he said that he would Call me back and he didnt. But he said "no i never said id Call you back" 

*I slept at his place and when i asked if he had anything so i can remove my make up, he brought me women products that he admitted that it was his ex wife. And when i asked why he still have them after 3 years, he said stupid excuses like "i paid for them so they are mine, i have plenty of space in the house so why not have them, i thought that maybe someone will need to use them etc. But when i Asked him, at first  he didnt even want to talk about it, he became defensive and said he doesnt want to fight about it , while for me it was just a conversasion. 

*he gave me a present (a watch) but the battery was expired since 2021 so i Ask him where did he get it from so i can go and change battery, and i figured out that he didnt buy it for me but was probably for someone else (his ex wife??) and he bought it years ago. Maybe for some reason he didnt give it to her. 

*I told him that he is defensive and he said "of course i am, ive been Hurt in the past". His wife left him and he begged her to come back as he said. Maybe thats why he told me several times that he doesnt like to beg. Im not even sure if he got over the divorce.

*  he said that in the past he could become angry easily, but now he is changed. The only thing that can get him out of control is if he sees me with another guy. He also said he hopes i wont  find another man (its like he is afraid i will go or find someone else). He said that he hope he wont get Hurt. 

*he wants me to move at his house at some point soon.  By the way im currently at the beginning of building a house. He is worried where are we going to live because he already has a house and he thinks its not necessary for me to build a house. I told him we'll see what we will do when the time comes, but i cant stop the building of the house and just come live with you. Its like he already has a plan in his mind about us and doesnt want anything to mess this up. 

In general, he doesnt like to have conversasions about serious  issues or anything  that may bother me about the relationship. He becomes defensive, he says hes been through a Lot and he wants to be calm.

His words dont match his actions.(i love you, i want you, but often he becomes distant, no Kiss, hug, or brings the ex wifes staff etc) He gives me the impression that he doesnt like to show vulverable, or show affection always, or that he wants to control the relationship (where we will go, what we will do). Its like if he shows too much affection, or have things my way he will fear of losing control. Im not really sure if he can have deep feelings for me or that he can let go of his insecurities. He also gives me the impression that he wants his life back (the house the wife the family) and maybe im the replacement. Maybe he is emotionally unavailable? I thought i should give time, but i have my doubts about him. Any opinions?? 

 

[arjumand]

Dump him NOW. He is a gas lighting, manipulative, passive aggressive twit. You should not let anyone treat with such nastiness and indifference. Then figure out why you would stick around for this. A new relationship should feel great — if it doesn’t, you move on. Dating is to find a partner, not to try and figure out why unpleasant people act the way they do. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jeannette80 said:

 dating for 2 months., talking about future plans with me, said he loved me, 

Yes, quite a few red flags. First of all way too much too soon. Lots of get-in-your-pants insincere future talk. Why are you even falling for that?

Secondly a huge amount of drama for just 60 Days dating.

Cut your losses. He's passive aggressive and that's the road to hell. He's got way too much baggage. He probably does want his life back but his wife divorced him for  reasons and luckily your seeing those reasons in just 60 days. Run.

[Jeannette80]

I forgot to mention that he compared me with his ex wife on the first date ( he said that he prefers me than his ex  because of this and that). He also said that he is worried about how his ex wife will react if she finds  out that he moved on. 

He also a bit jealous. One day i was wearing a mini skirt and its was a bit cold and he said "of course you feel cold, you are not wearing much clothes" I felt he was being sarcastic. He said it in a funny way but it felt offensive. Other times he said "oh you are sexy in this dress and everyone will look at you" 

Sometimes he critisize my choices. Or he insists to change my choices. And he might say something like "you should do this and that". You should do your hair like this. We should buy you new clothes. He even critisized my driving. 

[melancholy123]

Dump him.  He sounds like a total pain the ass.

[Jeannette80]

Also he tells me something like "tomorrow we should go out", then tomorrow comes and no contact. I send him message or maybe he sends me but around 7.30 in the evening. Its like he wants to show me that he doesnt care much if we plan something or not   although he was the one suggesting to go out. 

[arjumand]

He is trying to confuse you and exert power in the relationship. Stop trying to figure him out and just dump him. Find someone worthwhile and be worthwhile on your own. 

[Wiseman2]

Run.👟👟 Run 👟👟 Run 👟👟. You know the answer. Why are you even entertaining this situation?

[Jeannette80]

Also i remember one time Before we  meet to go to a place he asked me "would you like to sleep at my place tonight" and i said " sorry i cant tonight" So during the night he was silent, no hug, not even a Kiss good night. And i asked him whats wrong. No Kiss tonight? And he said something stupid like "oh sorry i had on my mind that im hungry i should  go to find something to eat" 

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Run.👟👟 Run 👟👟 Run 👟👟. You know the answer. Why are you even entertaining this situation?

Same -what is there to figure out about his "personality" -this might have nothing to do with this new person's "personality" -once someone is that rude to you and offensive (and multiple times as a first impression) and disrespectful leave the figuring out to him and any professionals he may wish to consult and figure out that you deserve to be treated with respect and common courtesy.  Do you somehow get excited by the challenge of figuring out a "bad boy?"

[Jeannette80]

Of course i see some signs but ive spotted then very recently. Tonight we will meet and i will try to confront him about a few things and see how he reacts. For example i will Ask him directly some questions.  And tell him what i want in Order to be happy in the relationship. I want to do that so if i leave the relationship to feel good, not quilty, show him that i have the power. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Jeannette80 said:

Of course i see some signs but ive spotted then very recently. Tonight we will meet and i will try to confront him about a few things and see how he reacts. For example i will Ask him directly some questions.  And tell him what i want in Order to be happy in the relationship. I want to do that so if i leave the relationship to feel good, not quilty, show him that i have the power. 

I would not confront this person.  I think you've seen enough to know he is not a good match for you. You'd be telling him the obvious - and you're not going to show this new person in your life your "power" -it will show that you're willing to settle for scraps -he's shown you who he is - you really think if this is his first impression he'll listen to some new person in his life about how he has to change and see you as powerful? Be powerful by walking away with dignity and politeness "I don't think we have enough in common to continue dating and I can see we don't want the same things.  I wish you all the best."

[Jeannette80]

I dont want to confront him with the hope that he will change. I want Before ending this to be clear with myself and him so i can feel food about my decision. 

I know that if i confront him he will find excuses. He has already showed me that he cannot admit anything or that he will  put the blame on me. I know that he will drive me crazy with his answers. 

I know i will regret not saying anything Before leaving. I need to get everything out of my chest also. I want to give back the watch and say something " you think i didnt realise this was your ex's". 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

I forgot to mention that he compared me with his ex wife on the first date ( he said that he prefers me than his ex  because of this and that).

Why on earth did you ever agree to go on a second date?

Girl. Standards! You need them. 

[Jeannette80]

I went out on 2nd date to give a chance and see how things will unfold 

[Blue_Skirt]

I agree with the others it is time to run. This man is a walking “red flag factory” (as I once read on here many years ago). Why are you wasting your time and energy on him?

[Andrina]

Yeah, who would want to constantly walk on eggshells, anticipating whatever your answer to his questions are, will be dissected through his negative lens?

If you insist on breaking up the way you say, make sure it's in a public place. You've known him only 60 days, so don't assume you'll be safe at his place or yours when the breakup happens. You don't know how he will react in an extreme situation.

And after the fact, keep extra aware of your surroundings at work and at home in case he comes to track you down. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Kwothe28]

Oof.

He sounds majorly insecure. I had an ex like that. She liked to make up silly "tests" like that. We would agree that I come to her place and then she would cancel and said she is busy and that I dont need to come. And when I said "OK" then it would be my fault because "If I love her enough I would push more to come". She also had unresolved issues with her ex and jealousy issues. 

Anyway, insecure people tend to be like you described him. Full of doubts, indecisive, jealous, even like in yours and mine case, stuck on the ex. They tend not to be good and stable partners and not even fun to be around. In 2 months you have 2 pages of issues. Dont stick around with somebody like that.

[smackie9]

psychopath, ruuuuunn for the frickin hills.

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

Hello. I would like some thoughts and opinions about the guy im dating for 2 months. We met online and started dating. He is divorced (3 years ago) with a son. From almost day 1 he showed enthousiasm and he showered me with excessive  compliments and affection, messaging all day, talking about future plans with me, said he loved me, that he found what  he was looking for etc. You get the point. Too fast, too soon. But now he is a bit changed. 

During this 2 months im trying to figure out his personality because some things dont feel right. 

Examples :

*Hot and cold. One day affection, the other distance. 

* We plan for a trip, cant decide where to go, i give him 3 choices (1 of them is his suggestion) and he chooses something else instead. He doesnt want to have things my way?? He wants to choose his own thing? 

*Drops me at my house and i ask him"would you like to come to my place? " and he answers" you are not inviting me, you are asking me in this way". What? He wants me to beg?? Playing with Words? 

* We agree to go out to a place  and he gives me 3 choices about where we should meet Example: At the gas station, at his house, or else. If i choose something else rather than his house he tells me " See? You didnt want to meet at house so you dont spend the night with me". Testing me to see if i want him?? 

*He says "i think someone else would suit you better than me" And i reply "are you trying to tell me that i you and i dont match? " And he says" i just wanted to see your reaction and what your reply would be ". 

* He doesnt admit something for example he said that he would Call me back and he didnt. But he said "no i never said id Call you back" 

*I slept at his place and when i asked if he had anything so i can remove my make up, he brought me women products that he admitted that it was his ex wife. And when i asked why he still have them after 3 years, he said stupid excuses like "i paid for them so they are mine, i have plenty of space in the house so why not have them, i thought that maybe someone will need to use them etc. But when i Asked him, at first  he didnt even want to talk about it, he became defensive and said he doesnt want to fight about it , while for me it was just a conversasion. 

*he gave me a present (a watch) but the battery was expired since 2021 so i Ask him where did he get it from so i can go and change battery, and i figured out that he didnt buy it for me but was probably for someone else (his ex wife??) and he bought it years ago. Maybe for some reason he didnt give it to her. 

*I told him that he is defensive and he said "of course i am, ive been Hurt in the past". His wife left him and he begged her to come back as he said. Maybe thats why he told me several times that he doesnt like to beg. Im not even sure if he got over the divorce.

*  he said that in the past he could become angry easily, but now he is changed. The only thing that can get him out of control is if he sees me with another guy. He also said he hopes i wont  find another man (its like he is afraid i will go or find someone else). He said that he hope he wont get Hurt. 

*he wants me to move at his house at some point soon.  By the way im currently at the beginning of building a house. He is worried where are we going to live because he already has a house and he thinks its not necessary for me to build a house. I told him we'll see what we will do when the time comes, but i cant stop the building of the house and just come live with you. Its like he already has a plan in his mind about us and doesnt want anything to mess this up. 

In general, he doesnt like to have conversasions about serious  issues or anything  that may bother me about the relationship. He becomes defensive, he says hes been through a Lot and he wants to be calm.

His words dont match his actions.(i love you, i want you, but often he becomes distant, no Kiss, hug, or brings the ex wifes staff etc) He gives me the impression that he doesnt like to show vulverable, or show affection always, or that he wants to control the relationship (where we will go, what we will do). Its like if he shows too much affection, or have things my way he will fear of losing control. Im not really sure if he can have deep feelings for me or that he can let go of his insecurities. He also gives me the impression that he wants his life back (the house the wife the family) and maybe im the replacement. Maybe he is emotionally unavailable? I thought i should give time, but i have my doubts about him. Any opinions?? 

 

 

 

 

Yes, he's emotionally unavailable and still hurt over his divorce. This is nothing more than a person still reeling from effects of divorce and taking it out on you. The sad part is that he thinks his actions are ok and might have been living under a rock for some time. Giving you gifts for another woman etc are completely inappropriate. 

Don't move in with him, don't stop building your house, carry on your life and date someone else. End this respectfully and leave him alone. He has to work out his fears and reasons for the end of his marriage, make peace with that before dragging anyone else into the complete warzone and detritus that his divorce left behind. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

I dont want to confront him with the hope that he will change. I want Before ending this to be clear with myself and him so i can feel food about my decision. 

I know that if i confront him he will find excuses. He has already showed me that he cannot admit anything or that he will  put the blame on me. I know that he will drive me crazy with his answers. 

I know i will regret not saying anything Before leaving. I need to get everything out of my chest also. I want to give back the watch and say something " you think i didnt realise this was your ex's". 

What would make you feel good about telling this person you recently met what you think he did wrong ? Why not feel good about making a classy and simple exit as I suggested ? Doing this silly gotcha game is silly and potentially  dangerous if he gets mad at you.  He knows where you live.  You don’t know what he is capable of but you know that as a first impression he’s comfortable being rude and offensive and inappropriate.  Watch your back. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

I went out on 2nd date to give a chance and see how things will unfold 

And now (hopefully) you have learned why you should never do this when someone brings up their ex-wife on your first date. 

Get rid of this guy.

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, Jeannette80 said:

Hello. I would like some thoughts and opinions about the guy im dating for 2 months. We met online and started dating. He is divorced (3 years ago) with a son. From almost day 1 he showed enthousiasm and he showered me with excessive  compliments and affection, messaging all day, talking about future plans with me, said he loved me, that he found what  he was looking for etc. You get the point. Too fast, too soon. But now he is a bit changed. 

 

There was no point to reading the whole post. The bolded = RUN AWAY.  He's nothing but trouble and a loser, you have had all of that information at your fingertips "from almost day 1."  So, of course, the rest of your post is going to be detailing how this loser is behaving like a loser.  Not necessary info.  He showed you who he was (not "a bit change; he's stayed in perfect character) and you chose him.  Why?

One more point.  You've known this person for +/- 8 weeks now.  Unless neither of you has a job or any other commitments,  you cannot have seen him more than a handful of times yet.  The amount of enmeshment is stunning.  

Get rid of him and try not to do this anymore.  I believe it's a very strong pattern for you.  

[Jeannette80]

Well. Its been 8 weeks almost but me meet often (2-3 times a week). Some weekends we spent it together. Of course we have jobs and other obligations, but for me its best this way, because if we met lets say once a week it would took me longer to know his personality. 

Although some of you said i should have runned from 1rst date when he mentioned his ex and you are propably right. 

Sometimes we see the signs but dont want anything to mess our hope. We believe that if we give a chance we will see if the person is good for us 😢

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Jeannette80 said:

ometimes we see the signs but dont want anything to mess our hope. We believe that if we give a chance we will see if the person is good for us 😢

Yes, people who lack self-worth/know their worth often engage in fantasy thinking when they see glaring red flags. Of course it's normal to balance positive and negative when first getting to know someone.  Of course it's normal to give someone a chance.  In your situation chalking it up to your "hope" makes no sense with the glaring red flags.  Seems to me it's not about hope but hoping that you don't have to be "alone" so you settle for scraps and lie to yourself.