Using me for ego and emotional validation or just uncertain of what he wants?

[AnneMartina]

I’ve been seeing this guy for 6 weeks. He is a single father.It has been good but tough to get used to the downsides of being with someone who has a child. In fact, after week 2 I kind of called it off as I felt like he didn’t have the time for another person in his life. He agreed but in less than a week later he wanted to see me again to try and give things another go. I agreed.

Since then, unexpected drama has come up with his ex which has made his life really tough. She brought bad false claims against him and now he is dealing with preparing himself for a court battle. I have been supportive and understanding despite him always being wound up over this when we are together. He was venting for so long o the last day that I had to ask him to stop because it was only stressing him out more and getting in the way of us getting to chat and to know one another more.

After this, we went out for food and he stopped venting as much. He has shown in many ways that he is into me. He has had me around his child, I’ve met his dad and his friend. We aren’t bf and gf yet and are only dating so he didn’t introduce me as this. They seem to know I am the one he is dating. He was telling me how he talks about me a lot and that some people close to him even ask him how I’m doing. He said he was seeing a few people before he met me, but that he didn't mention any of them to friends or family. In the shop the other day, he tried to hold my hand.He talks about future plans "if we were to get serious." So I don’t feel like this is all in my head.

After the meal, we came back to mine and had sex. He seemed normal and content after it, kissed me goodbye and then I don’t know what happened, but it was like he was about to say “I love you” , but realised what he was saying half way and changed “you” to “myself” - I just looked at him funny and we started laughing. He said “what? Is it too soon to say that I love you?” I kind of smiled and didn’t answer. He smiled too and then left.

What is confusing to me is that he says that he doesn't want to rush things or feel the pressure to put a label on what we are. I think his past relationship was rushed and it became very toxic so maybe he is a bit scared.I am happy to let things evolve slowly and naturally as well, but I don’t know if this means that we are still on dating apps and seeing other people. He has told me that he doesn't want to get in the way if I meet someone who I have a better connection with as he knows he has a lot going on.

He mentioned how he uninstalled Tinder from his phone as he didn't have the time for dating around. When out for the meal, we were trying to remember when we first met to see how long it had been. I opened Tinder on my phone to look at our message history to calculate this.I have the app still but haven't been using it.

After this date, I sent him a long message because I was worried he may think that I wasn't being supportive when I told him to stop talking about the situation with the ex. I assured him I was still there to be supportive and listen, but that the venting was better done in moderation because it was stressing him out and wasting our precious time to get to know each other. I assured him that I do really like him and want to get to know him more.

He then left me on read for a whole two days which is abnormal. Usually it may be a couple of hours as he is busy being a dad and sorting out the court stuff. He finally got back to me and just said that he read my message, took it all in and then briefly told me his plans for the day. Over the weekend, I also noticed that he must have reinstalled Tinder again as there was a new picture on his profile when I was showing pictures of him to a friend.

This and the tinder thing has really confused me. I don't know whether he is playing me or whether he is just uncertain about what he wants relationship-wise.I think a chat is needed regarding seeing other people. Leaving me on read when he was clearly active on social media over the weekend, and it being after we had sex has made me feel like ***. I am in no rush to get back to him. Should I wait 2 days as well? So appreciative of any advice x

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, AnneMartina said:

I’ve been seeing this guy for 6 weeks.after week 2 I kind of called it off as I felt like he didn’t have the time for another person in his life. he is dealing with preparing himself for a court battle.

6 weeks and a lot of on/off drama. Don't get caught in the crossfire of his and his ex's court battles or be "supportive".

You are supposed to be finding the right person for Yourself not be a free therapist or attorney to someone not ready to date and caught up in courtroom drama.

Delete and block him and put this behind you so you can regroup, reflect and find someone ready, willing and able to date and has time for you.

[Batya33]

Six weeks and a father is having you around his child?? Might this be part of the issue with his ex wife -that sort of poor parenting decision -perhaps he's done the same thing before with a new woman in his life? 

I'd step aside if after 2 weeks you couldn't handle it and now it's only 6 weeks and you still can't.  I don't think he is using you.  He simply has a lot going on and you are not a person who can deal with dating a single dad.  And that's ok.  You're just someone he recently started dating.  His top priority is his child.  And acting in her best interests.  Bringing around a new woman he is dating IMO is a poor parenting decision.  Kids don't "get" dating they "get" attached -and you already wanted to exit after 2 weeks and he's still letting you be involved with his child?

Whether or not he is playing games you are playing games with yourself.  Cut your losses now so he can focus on being a good father and/or make decisions that do not involve him dating you.  Also not a great idea to be sexually active even with birth control -since you don't want to have the extra work etc of a child I'd avoid any risk of having a child with him or having to deal with the alternatives.  Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

This is way too much, way too soon. 

He wants to move slowly but has already had you around his kid? Huge red flag. Almost saying "I love you"? Another huge red flag. You barely know this guy. He sounds incredibly impulsive and all over the map. 

Add ex drama to the mix, and it looks even worse. And add the fact that he's ignored you for a couple days and has freshened up his Tinder? Pfft. Don't waste another moment on him. He's not sincere and not a good boyfriend candidate. 

Forget him and find yourself a man who comes without all the big red flags. 

[Rose Mosse]

Wait? No. I would be absolutely livid, too annoyed to speak to this person. He's too mixed up to be dating at the moment. Having divorced someone a few years ago, I know what it's like severing those legal ties. There were certainly no false claims or court battle. You're dealing with a huge mess. 

All the red flags are flying high on this one. You don't need to talk about anything, wait or have any further discussion. Walk.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AnneMartina said:

his ex which has made his life really tough. She brought bad false claims against him and now he is dealing with preparing himself for a court battle.

[reinventmyself]

As long as someone has feelings for someone else. . even intense negative feelings for, they are still enmeshed and attached in some way.

It's when you no longer care and aren't affected by them is when you are truly past it.  When you think about it, we aren't really triggered by people we don't care about.  The fact that he intensely triggered by interactions with his ex is clear indication he's still entangled and therefore not datable.  

I think we all briefly gloss over our dating history with new partners.  But when we can't help ourselves but dump ongoing war stories to the point we aren't even enjoyable to be around, is a raging clear indicator that you should have passed on this one. 

There's a theory that the first person you date, post divorce is not the person you end up with.  I guess the message here is you end up being that person they exercise all their grief and issues on.  Otherwise known as rebound.   Next time you see one coming, pass.

Dating for him at this point is nothing more than a distraction from his messy life.  He's not in the mindset to respectfully contribute to a healthy relationship. . no matter how much either one of you would like to believe otherwise.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Using me for ego and emotional validation or just uncertain of what he wants?

I am inclined to say its a first. You mentioned Tinder that is otherwise known for first so it kinda adds up. He has been using you as kind of a "release". Emotional and at the end even sexual. Once the deed was done, he just went quitely to some other who would listen to him and maybe have sex. I am sorry, but all signs and his behavior after point at that. 

You need to "screen" them better. As others have said, venting, or even meeting the kid too soon, its a huge tell that something was wrong. Be more careful when you meet somebody next time. This one would either fade away or get back to you if he wants more sex. My guess is that it would be the first.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, AnneMartina said:

After this, we went out for food and he stopped venting as much. He has shown in many ways that he is into me. He has had me around his child, I’ve met his dad and his friend. We aren’t bf and gf yet and are only dating so he didn’t introduce me as this. They seem to know I am the one he is dating. He was telling me how he talks about me a lot and that some people close to him even ask him how I’m doing. He said he was seeing a few people before he met me, but that he didn't mention any of them to friends or family. In the shop the other day, he tried to hold my hand.He talks about future plans "if we were to get serious." So I don’t feel like this is all in my head.

Okay, slow it all down!  You have only been involved 6 weeks.

IMO, he does not seem very stable, venting to you about his personal life & the mother of his child.

 

3 hours ago, AnneMartina said:

I think his past relationship was rushed and it became very toxic so maybe he is a bit scared.I am happy to let things evolve slowly and naturally as well, but I don’t know if this means that we are still on dating apps and seeing other people. He has told me that he doesn't want to get in the way if I meet someone who I have a better connection with as he knows he has a lot going on.

- Yeah, this is a push away 😕 .  

 

As for him being 'back on Tinder', don't be surprised... this guy is nowhere near 'ready or able' to have a decent relationship.  He's got too much going on and sounds rather UNsettled.

I suggest you do NOT reach out to respond again, but keep moving on.  Save yourself the stress & heartache!

 

[Jaunty]

Well, he's back on Tinder, so that just about says it all.  I'm sorry.  

[1a1a]

Two days with no reply stinks 😞

[Cherylyn]

He's playing you.  He's not serious about you.  He has too many problems of his own with his ex, being a single father and he's stringing you along.  Don't be played for a fool.  I'm sorry. 

You're wasting your time, energy, resources and brain space on him.  I'd cut it off with him if I were you.

In the future, be with someone who doesn't have any baggage.  Your relationship will be less complicated this way.

[smackie9]

If it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not right. If a friend came to you with the same story what advice would you give them? I think by coming here you already knew what the answer would be. 

[catfeeder]

On 6/27/2022 at 11:24 AM, AnneMartina said:

He has had me around his child,

This shows pssss-poor judgment as a parent, and no wonder his ex is battling him.

I'd take a hike into better territory, this guy is a waste of your time.