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How to stop caring about what others think?


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I recently moved to Staten Island with my family. Today, I was talking to my sister at her daughters softball game. We were sort of talking about how many people from our family traveled back to our home country which is a 3rd world country to meet many of their wives.

I often wondered how so many of the men in our family who had average blue color jobs, could get with such beauty women. I’m not trying to be disrespectful when I say this either, but I’m just saying like truck driver, fedex delivery, forklift driver etc.

It all makes sense now. And then my sister was trying to belabor me with how sometimes it’s difficult marrying these women; who often want you to support their families back home and complain a lot when your not spending money on them.

Im sure the guys complain but at the end of the day many of them are happy with kids and a stable family. I’m sure they would quickly trade their fortunes alone for companionship and loyalty. All of this talk just made me want to work harder and get a better paying job.

I thought this would make me happy when I went from my bike courier job to my first developer job. Then I worked even harder to get my next job. Although I feel the same every time. Like it’s never enough money and each time I earn more the expectations and pressure are much higher. 

How do I break out of this endless cycle of always feeling like it’s never enough and feel content with myself regardless of how others perceive me. I just want to be happy regardless of how much money I make, but I keep going back to feeling unlovable. Ultimately I feel like chasing money will solve my problems but then I just feel even emptier inside when I realize that it doesn’t.

At times I feel pathetic just posting on this forum. But I feel like I have no place else to turn to and I haven’t started therapy yet. 

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Posted (edited)

What makes you happy? What are your values? What motivates you and pushes you forward? How about when you were a kid? What brought you joy?

And on the other hand, what does not do the above?

Jot answers down on a piece of paper and reflect. The answer is in you and not in others/ the world.

Edit: don't feel pathetic. It's a journey for most people. And what makes you happy can evolve and change. Try not to judge your answers and keep an open mind about getting closer to what makes you as an individual happy.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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You break the cycle by being so busy with yourself, career, fitness, intellectual pursuits, hobbies and making yourself happy from within.  Don't care what others think.  Focus on yourself.  As long as you work hard and remain busy in a healthy way, you will be lovable because people are attracted to secure people who are established with their life and sense of purpose. 

Long ago, I was floating along in life without specific direction.  I never dated in high school nor college.  No one was attracted to me so I gave up.  Therefore,  I concentrated on ascending in my career.  I was extremely busy, stayed fit and took care of myself.  Then without trying, I garnered attention much to my surprise.   I had arrived.  I hobnobbed with the upwardly mobile set.  It was wonderful.  I met and married my husband, we have two sons and live in the suburbs.  He's a very moral man.  I'm very blessed.

Success attracts success.  This is how you move up in the world and suddenly you'll be surrounded by similar or higher socioeconomic status. 

Birds of a feather flock together.

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3 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I just want to be happy regardless of how much money I make, but I keep going back to feeling unlovable. 

That's unrealistic. Or at best very naive.

You need a certain amount of money to live decently, eat decently, take care of your health decently, etc. Stop drinking and going to bars. You'll save money and improve self respect.

You don't need massive wealth to be happy but you do need a sense of ambition and pride in that.

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Posted (edited)

Do you associate your progression of job, status and money with the ability to find love? If you do but dont have anybody, then its no wonder you never feel that you are good enough. As you are progressing in one but your love life is not doing the same. So you never feel that satisfaction of achievment. Instead of just feeling good because you progressed in one. Because ultimately you do that because of yourself. And not because of expectations that women would threw themselves at you after you do it.

While you could make a case that women love "security", that word means different from case to case. To some it is status and wealth, to others its just maybe that you have a job and can provide bread on table. To somebody else it would be the height of a man so they can feel safe and protected. To others its maybe beauty standards. And that they feel loved, secured and validated because their other half is Adonis himself. 

What I am trying to say is, your status and wealth would just maybe mean something. Question is to what kind of people. Shallow girls, girls in search of SugarDaddy, heck even girls from your own country that would jump on you for Visa. None of them would love you for who you are. Just for what you can provide. And that is not really a happy life. Sure, some make it like that. But if you want somebody to love you, dont think that should be your target group for dating. 

Edited by Kwothe28
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4 hours ago, junebug123 said:

 had average blue color jobs, could get with such beauty women. 

They are probably not cruising bars looking for easy prey. When you don't respect others, you don't get respect.

It's important to realize that love, sex, and respect are earned by being loving, respectful and treating others well. They are not "rights" people get upon US citizenship.

You seem to think that throwing money at things is all you need. However having integrity is free.

Try to get your sense of entitlement under control.

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Love doesn't pay the rent.

Concentrate on getting ahead in life and of course, possessing moral character is a huge plus.  Be a package deal in a positive sense and believe me, you won't have to put forth much effort attracting others.  It will be like bees to honey. 

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Also if social media triggers these keeping up with the Joneses feelings avoid it or at least avoid the bragging types including the indirect bragging types.  I fall into the comparison trap too -I'm a mom - there are tons of opportunities to make all sorts of soul destroying comparisons.  But I find when you are secure in yourself, your choices, your values, when you meet or are genuinely working -hard! -towards your realistic goals -realistic! - then the comparisons don't happen or happen as much.  

I bore the brunt of all the assumptions and hurtful comments (yes even well-meaning ones) about how I was "still single" and presumably only cared about my career, how my biological clock was ticking, all the good ones would be taken, how my life must be the "crazy single life" full of no responsibilities because -gasp -I didn't have the responsibilities of a husband and child (I mean are there any others for a single woman??).  Because I dated on and off for 24 years before exclusively dating my future husband when I turned 39.  

And now I resist the temptation to compare.  Because I married late, I saved my pennies and married with more than financial stability all on my own.  Because I married late I was able to spend more time in my career and building it and building a network so even being 50 and out of the workforce for 7 years didn't stop me from getting back into my field and in a way that was perfect for my new lifestyle as a mom in a new city. 

I don't worry about $ like many younger parents do, and because we have "only one" child (another wild assumption -wow, how selfish, and also wow you were so old when you had him) - we have more $ to travel, show him the world, live in the middle of a bustling, culturally rich and diverse city but down the block from an incredibly gorgeous park that is our backyard we share with many others.  I don't have to be attached to my car to get wherever I really need to go.  But I resist the urge to be smug married and I resist the urge to be judgey even though I was judged.  Because I feel fine about what I've accomplished. 

I was faced with this situation recently -more than once- when my friend, a mom of two, who used to work for me many years ago is now totally career-driven and loving it despite the stress.  It's great for her.  I want no part of it for me.  I did this for 15 years -even crazier hours than she works.  I'm done and happy to have a part time but really busy/intellectually challenging job and then have all my child responsibilties with a new teenager.  She judges me impliedly but judges me -don't I want to work full time again? Why am I "still" part time after 5 years? Do I tell her my husband basically has almost 2 full time jobs in his intense career? That I don't have to work if I never want to again given the $ I personally saved for 11 years before I married? That I'm older than she is so obviously she hasn't gotten there yet with savings plus she married younger and has 2 kids. No. 

Because even though I'm not immune from comparing myself I'm at a place where I'm me.  Take it or leave it.  No need to prove my choices to anyone other than saying "no, I'm happy with my career/job choices right now" and I'm happy you're happy with yours".  

Live your best life -but how you define it -do the work to find how you define it.  My grandpa washed windows -had a small commercial window cleaning business for many years.  His kids went to college and one to medical school.  His grandchildren all had advanced degrees and more importantly his kids and grandkids are all really good people of character and integrity, solid values - because he and my grandmother instilled that in them.  He was blue "collar" - and he was really smart, really wise, had no education to speak of (maybe 4th grade?)  Came from another country to the U.S. 

I personally think accomplishing college and/or grad degrees helps a lot in this process but don't do it if it's just a piece of paper -do it if you really believe in it. Same with marriage -don't get married just for a "piece of paper".  I also think many people don't need college degrees if they are skilled in ways that don't require it -blue collar, a technical trade, the arts (if they can make a real living -it's hard!) - technical certification programs that are a year or less are great too - but only if the person really wants that path and has the skills.  

Figure out you -on your own - and make it a work in progress to do so - it takes time even years and lots of tweaking but it's worth it!

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9 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I thought this would make me happy when I went from my bike courier job to my first developer job. Then I worked even harder to get my next job. Although I feel the same every time. Like it’s never enough money and each time I earn more the expectations and pressure are much higher. 

How do I break out of this endless cycle of always feeling like it’s never enough and feel content with myself regardless of how others perceive me. I just want to be happy regardless of how much money I make, but I keep going back to feeling unlovable.

Have a vision for yourself of what you consider happy or living a contented life and then go seek it. Manage your money well too. Personally, I'm content with the simple things: being able to see the sunshine come through the windows on a spring morning, the freedom and solitude to do anything I want, living life on my terms (for once) and enjoying the peacefulness of a day or week ahead, being around loving friends and family or people who are thoughtful and supportive. 

Have you never gone your own way and been satisfied or content with your decision? Keep doing that and reaffirming your values and wherever you want to be in life.

Can you find enjoyment or contentment through other things besides job and money? 

 

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also if social media triggers these keeping up with the Joneses feelings avoid it or at least avoid the bragging types including the indirect bragging types.  I fall into the comparison trap too -I'm a mom - there are tons of opportunities to make all sorts of soul destroying comparisons.  But I find when you are secure in yourself, your choices, your values, when you meet or are genuinely working -hard! -towards your realistic goals -realistic! - then the comparisons don't happen or happen as much.  

I bore the brunt of all the assumptions and hurtful comments (yes even well-meaning ones) about how I was "still single" and presumably only cared about my career, how my biological clock was ticking, all the good ones would be taken, how my life must be the "crazy single life" full of no responsibilities because -gasp -I didn't have the responsibilities of a husband and child (I mean are there any others for a single woman??).  Because I dated on and off for 24 years before exclusively dating my future husband when I turned 39.  

And now I resist the temptation to compare.  Because I married late, I saved my pennies and married with more than financial stability all on my own.  Because I married late I was able to spend more time in my career and building it and building a network so even being 50 and out of the workforce for 7 years didn't stop me from getting back into my field and in a way that was perfect for my new lifestyle as a mom in a new city. 

I don't worry about $ like many younger parents do, and because we have "only one" child (another wild assumption -wow, how selfish, and also wow you were so old when you had him) - we have more $ to travel, show him the world, live in the middle of a bustling, culturally rich and diverse city but down the block from an incredibly gorgeous park that is our backyard we share with many others.  I don't have to be attached to my car to get wherever I really need to go.  But I resist the urge to be smug married and I resist the urge to be judgey even though I was judged.  Because I feel fine about what I've accomplished. 

I was faced with this situation recently -more than once- when my friend, a mom of two, who used to work for me many years ago is now totally career-driven and loving it despite the stress.  It's great for her.  I want no part of it for me.  I did this for 15 years -even crazier hours than she works.  I'm done and happy to have a part time but really busy/intellectually challenging job and then have all my child responsibilties with a new teenager.  She judges me impliedly but judges me -don't I want to work full time again? Why am I "still" part time after 5 years? Do I tell her my husband basically has almost 2 full time jobs in his intense career? That I don't have to work if I never want to again given the $ I personally saved for 11 years before I married? That I'm older than she is so obviously she hasn't gotten there yet with savings plus she married younger and has 2 kids. No. 

Because even though I'm not immune from comparing myself I'm at a place where I'm me.  Take it or leave it.  No need to prove my choices to anyone other than saying "no, I'm happy with my career/job choices right now" and I'm happy you're happy with yours".  

Live your best life -but how you define it -do the work to find how you define it.  My grandpa washed windows -had a small commercial window cleaning business for many years.  His kids went to college and one to medical school.  His grandchildren all had advanced degrees and more importantly his kids and grandkids are all really good people of character and integrity, solid values - because he and my grandmother instilled that in them.  He was blue "collar" - and he was really smart, really wise, had no education to speak of (maybe 4th grade?)  Came from another country to the U.S. 

I personally think accomplishing college and/or grad degrees helps a lot in this process but don't do it if it's just a piece of paper -do it if you really believe in it. Same with marriage -don't get married just for a "piece of paper".  I also think many people don't need college degrees if they are skilled in ways that don't require it -blue collar, a technical trade, the arts (if they can make a real living -it's hard!) - technical certification programs that are a year or less are great too - but only if the person really wants that path and has the skills.  

Figure out you -on your own - and make it a work in progress to do so - it takes time even years and lots of tweaking but it's worth it!

Thanks helps to hear this. My sister just showing me all the pictures of my cousins with their wives and children. 

Many of them had a family member die or had parent sell a house and we able to use the money to buy their own house. Also, got started much later in my career then most people because wasn’t eligible for loans (college) until I hit 24 since both my parents earned enough and couldn’t afford to pay out of pocket.

And really struggled to land my first job since I wanted to do game development and just poured years into teaching myself that before just getting into web programming. All in all it worked out for the best and I’m one of the few people in my family to work in this industry.

Just sometimes it’s hard when I feel like I missed out on so much in my youth. Anyways, I’ll keep working on it.

Post: When I say sold a house meaning houses they bought (sometimes 3 or 4 family members working in unison) in the 80’s in Brooklyn and sold for 4x or 5x the value in 2000’s, etc. 

Edited by junebug123
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Family matrixes run deep.  It's the stuff that keep therapists in business.

The good news is you're becoming aware of how your beliefs aren't working for you and asking questions.

Be patient with yourself and expect to sit in the discomfort while you unravel this and learn to approach things differently.  You are already on your way and it helps to continue to watch others who perceivably have what it is you want.

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Somewhere down the line you picked up that you must be able to 'buy' love in order to have it.

That conflates two things and forms an association that isn't usually accurate.

I know plenty of couples that are invested in one another as people, first, and then have decided to combine incomes and work as a team to build their material future together.

Instead of single-mindedly sinking yourself into work, consider ways to expand your scope of experiences and activities to build a more social life. This will teach you to value human beings beyond material wealth, and it will build confidence in your own intrinsic value.

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