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10 year relationship, last 2 no sex


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Hello all,

Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

My girlfriend and I have been together for ten years and have been sexless for the last 2. In the last 5 years it’s been 6-10 times or less.

I’ve researched for about 5 years and have exhausted myself. So I ask a real person here, I’m sorry for the lateness.

At first the excuses from her were that she’s just not as sexual, then that we argue too much, then that she’s asexual. There’s a lot of silence on her side when I try to bring up the topic.

My research has taught me to argue in a healthier way and I’ve tried to ask Her to participate, she has began to a little. I have ruled out the covert-narcissist possibility (but not completely).

A year ago we moved into a 2br house and have been mostly sleeping in seperate rooms. We cuddle, kiss gently, sometimes shower and kiss there. I frequently lift her up and put her on my lap (to attempt to enter the erotic zone together). I give her foot massages, take her on dates, buy her flowers.

I can feel her heat, her wetness, sometimes when we are hugging with her legs wrapped around me.

It’s very confusing.

A few months ago she told me the lack of sex was because she was abused as a child and is having flashbacks. So I researched that and tried to approach in a much gentler way, much less often.

A few days ago I discovered msg’s on her phone from a guy and it went back to 2019. When I asked her about him she said he’s just a friend.

I have also studied at length on how to discern a lie from the truth, I suspected she was lying. I asked her one day as a purposeful surprise if she had slept with him, she lied as she asked what, who, then said no and looked guilty. Later that night I called her out and said that I know 100% that you slept with him, but I want to know why. She said it was because we had just had an argument.l

She has told me more details and I am on a path of healing. It was apparently only once, using a condom, when she visited his city, he invited her to his place.

Its seems very contradictory to not be that sexual but also cheat. Anyway..

I told her, if you want to fix our relationship, we need to argue healthy, I promise not to raise my voice and try not to ‘win’ if you promise not to give the silent treatment. She agreed and things seemed like it was moving towards a new relationship.

A few days later I asked her if it’s ok if we try to move things to the next level and I try to give her an orgasm where I’m clothed, and she is not. She replied that she wants to go on holiday to her home country.

Tonight, I tried to talk with her and she said that she is afraid of the future with me, that I will begin trying to ‘win’ arguments and raise my voice again.

I promised I wouldn’t and asked her to help me by participating in arguments we may have, and if she’d like space, is in a bad mood, or doesn’t want to be intimate, to say to me, ‘I’m not in the mood right now, try me again in (a certain time or day)’.

Because of this other guy she’s been forming an emotional relationship with for years (who is just a friend apparently), it causes me great anxiety, I’ve been taking antidepressants for 3 days and I’m finding it hard to sleep and work. I asked her to decide tonight, to either try to make our relationship work, to make it sometime beautiful for us both, tell the other guy it’s over between them and stop talking to him. Or end things with me, so I can begin to detach and move on.

She said she wants to buy the ticket and quit her job first, I replied by saying you have no reason to be afraid of me, I am calm, even though you were afraid to tell me about him, scared of my reaction, you can see you had no reason to be afraid. I’m very interested in personal development and would like to move forward toward a healthy relationship with you, or begin to split up.

She acted tired, began to withdraw and was silent. I drove us home.

Shes now sleeping in her bed, and I’m in the lounge room asking for your advice please.

Thank you

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Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Do you have kids? Do you both work? 

It sounds like an abusive relationship if you are chronically raising your voice at her and chronically picking fights. It's odd that you want to argue "better", rather than resolve the source of all the arguments and conflicts

She is checked out angry and resentful. This has nothing to do with childhood trauma since it's just the past two years that she's shutting you out.

Continue treatment for the mood disorders. Keep in mind that unfortunately many people with mood disorders and bipolar in particular don't realize how argumentative they are and how corrosive that is.

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Posted (edited)

Thank you for your reply!

I am 40, she is 33, no kids.

I wouldn’t say I chronically raise my voice at her. I used to try and interrupt her, try and win disagreements about 20% of the time. I wouldn’t pick fights at all.

She used to give me the silent treatment often. Come home in bad moods and actually it was her who would yell at me, for trying to help cook for example.

I would very much like to resolve the underlying problems, it’s very difficult when the other person doesn’t participate.

I don’t have a mood disorder, my antidepressants are left over from when I had an injury and became depressed, partly because of this relationship, the lack of sex, and partly because I was not able to move for several months.

Arguments certainly are corrosive, more so when left unresolved for years.

You’re absolutely right about her being checked out, angry and resentful.

Edited by anonamous19
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9 minutes ago, anonamous19 said:

You’re absolutely right about her being checked out, angry and resentful.

Whose place is it or do you co-own or co-lease? Do you both work full time?

This is going nowhere and not good for either of you.

You were together since she was 23? That's a long long time for this to be going nowhere but downward.

No sex in two years means it's time to free yourselves and move out.

It's a toxic relationship.

 

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You can’t force someone to be with you.

This is where you both listen to one another. You both haven’t been listening for awhile and that’s why arguments are breaking out and you’re both at odds. If one of you has no interest or shows no interest or effort, stop pushing. 

A person who isn’t a threat doesn’t need to tell anyone they’re not a threat. It’s disturbing that either one of you would utter those words about one being afraid of the other. Be respectful of her choice to go home. 

It’s also not very clear why she hasn’t just left you years ago if there was no sex and she was with someone else. Any healthy individual would have ended the relationship completely instead of returning to an abuser. Both of you are stuck in the same cycle for too long. You can change your ways but it seems this relationship is over. Don’t prevent her from moving on and end it because it’s no longer working for you.

 

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Posted (edited)

She has checked out a long time ago. You're not having sex because she's getting it elsewhere. That's the sad truth. Instead of telling you this, of course she's giving you all sorts of excuses.

You need to end this for your own good. You need to love yourself enough to not accept such treatment. You have done all sorts of research to try and understand.... But the thing is, understanding gets you only so far. You can't change a person. You have to take her as who she is today.

And honestly, you deserve better mate. You deserve to feel desired. You can break free of this to find someone who will want you equally and put in as much efforts as you do. Someone loyal and communicative. Someone who doesn't take you for granted.

I'm sorry you're going through this. She sounds like a security blanket you're too familiar with no matter what. But you do need to leave and seek love elsewhere. Life is too short to stay in this misery.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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35 minutes ago, anonamous19 said:

I don’t have a mood disorder, my antidepressants are left over from when I had an injury and became depressed, partly because of this relationship, the lack of sex, and partly because I was not able to move for several months.

Did your doctor say it was ok to resume taking them now? Same dose? Are they expired perhaps? Please be careful.

I agree with the others. I'm sorry.

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Thank you all for your replies.

Firstly, I’m not an abuser. I’m supportive of her wanting to go to her home country, or holidays there, or cairns, or anywhere she likes. She is as free as a bird.

I was assuming the forum readers would have enough information to not make such assumptions, such as, I’ve researched what the problems could be, attempted to resolve them through peaceful conversations and have been met with silence 90% of the time when we talk about said issues.

She said she was afraid of how I would react because it’s very difficult to remain calm when I am being abused with the silent treatment or consistent anger from her.

That doesn’t mean I abuse her, that means I get upset.

She hasn’t left me yet because 95% of the time we have a loving, peaceful, happy and fun relationship.

There just no sex! No healthy arguing! She goes silent, issues go unresolved.

Yep, I should find someone willing to have healthy conversations about things that bother us.

But I love her, and she loves me, we told each other this only tonight.

But say, if I try to kiss her neck, or ear, or move my hand slowly from her knee, she pulls away, or say, covers her face. I pull away, breathe, go and find something else to do. Like type here, or research.

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15 minutes ago, anonamous19 said:

Apologies I didn’t say she slept with him once 3 years ago in Finland, while on holiday in her home country. We live in Australia.

Then you say:

27 minutes ago, anonamous19 said:

But I love her, and she loves me, we told each other this only tonight.

Someone who loves you doesn't hurt you nor backstab you.

Always watch actions and not words. It doesn't matter if she "says" she loves you. By now, she probably knows that telling you ILY is how you stay with her no matter what she does to you.

Get yourself some self respect and accept walking away from this. This relationship has been one sided from you. She takes you for granted, doesn't care about your feelings or needs, cheats, does the silent treatment... These are unacceptable and you've had more than enough time to see this.

Unless you want to be her doormat, leave man.

And Love is not enough to keep a relationship together. It's about equal efforts, loyalty, trust, honesty, understanding, affection, ect. And you got almost none here. You're stuck on a fantasy of what you could be... But reality is your gf is cheating on you and doesn't give 2 cents about you or your feelings.

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Yes, I know. Well, I would like to think that I know this.

This has been said countless times to this problem. I’ve done the research.

I know what you’re saying. I just don’t want to believe you. It’s really hard man. I really love her. I don’t want to leave.. *** bro, I was going to, when I came back from holiday she was all angry.. It’s just so hard to leave

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Your relationship is over in all but name, OP. 

She's emotionally long-gone. The lack of sex is the symptom of a bigger problem, which is that she hasn't yet found the courage to break up with you. But it's coming. 

I'm sorry. I don't believe there is any fixing this. 

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2 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

There just no sex! No healthy arguing! She goes silent, issues go unresolved.

Sadly you are more like roommates. She may or may not have a lover, doesn't matter she is checked out.

Are there issues such as ED, drinking or mental health problems, financial issues or household duties, etc.?

What are all the arguments about? Withdrawing from arguments is a great idea, you both need to step away, cool off and try to solve problems.

It may be cultural because Scandinavians to not scream at each other when silence is golden and allow for cooler heads to prevail:

https://finland.fi/life-society/a-guide-to-finnish-customs-and-manners/

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Yes, I’m aware of Scandinavian culture, I lived there for some time. They are a silent bunch! 

There are no issues, drinking, mental health, disorders or any other problems.

The arguments are sometimes petty, easily resolved, the consistent issue surrounds the lack of sex.

Many of the times I will try to initiate intimacy, in a gentle way of course, which is rejected. 

If I ask if everything is ok I will be met with silence.

95% of the time I’ll get over the rejection and move on with my day. 5% of the time I’ll pretty much demand an answer. Of that, 1% of the time, which is tonight, she will say that, there is resentment for arguing about not having sex. Tonight she said that years ago, she felt she would have to have sex to stop an argument about not having sex.

Yes, she’s checked out.

This post is meant to be a, “how do you fix it”, kind of post, as opposed to, yep it’s doomed.

Many of the articles I’ve read have many good suggestions about how to try and resolve the problems. Many of you are pretty gloomy!

Stay positive all and thanks for the replies.

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6 minutes ago, anonamous19 said:

Many of the articles I’ve read have many good suggestions about how to try and resolve the problems. Many of you are pretty gloomy!

We are not gloomy. We are realistic and speak from experience rather than from something we read online.

We do our best to look out for people's best interest, and don't think we want you relationship to fail. Quite the opposite, we want you to value yourself enough to know that there are certaim situations where you can't do much and need to walk away with your head held high.

But you seem insisting on staying with someone who does not treat you right nor reciprocate efforts. Maybe you get a thrill from this, maybe you grew up in such dynamic thinking it's normal, maybe you think you don't deserve better,... Whatever it is, it's not fair for you. You need to grow a bone and leave because it seems she is using you and will dump you when it'll be convenient for her. You're in it for a ride to be heartbroken.

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27 minutes ago, anonamous19 said:

The arguments  surrounds the lack of sex.

she will say that, there is resentment for arguing about not having sex. Tonight she said that years ago, she felt she would have to have sex to stop an argument about not having sex.

Yes, she’s checked out.

Unfortunately this is a catch-22. The arguments are about lack of sex and the lack of sex is about the arguing.

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If your situation is that “gloomy” you’re going to get reviews that reflect that. Advising that you willfully push your way through and force something that has been already unsuccessful time and time again is not only foolish but unwise. You’re also showing just how little you respect her and yourself by continuing to pursue a situation that’s no longer fulfilling, especially if she’s as checked out as you say.

It sounds like she’s lost interest in you and also lost respect for you.

The most you can do to turn this around and preserve some dignity and respect for yourself is to respect what her wishes are. Ie if she wants to go home she is free to go home. You, in turn, make decisions that are in your best interest without damaging your mental health and self-esteem further.

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2 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

Many of the articles I’ve read have many good suggestions about how to try and resolve the problems. Many of you are pretty gloomy!

My guy, your relationship doesn't exactly lend itself to anything but the obvious:  it's over.

We can just see your situation more objectively and aren't in the same level of denial that you are.

 

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11 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

She said she wants to buy the ticket and quit her job first, I replied by saying you have no reason to be afraid of me, I am calm, even though you were afraid to tell me about him, scared of my reaction, you can see you had no reason to be afraid. I’m very interested in personal development and would like to move forward toward a healthy relationship with you, or begin to split up.

She acted tired, began to withdraw and was silent. I drove us home.

Shes now sleeping in her bed, and I’m in the lounge room

I am sorry for your pains, but it all says a lot.. from someone on the 'outside'.

You are 'stuck' on her, which is why you can't see past all of you're love & care towards her.... BUT ....

Look at how things have transpired over the last few years.

And look at YOU now.. on anti depressants?

You have had some good responses here and as mentioned, from experiences & knowledge.  But, we are 'gloomy'?  lol.. No.

I see this as you are trying so hard to keep this together, which is why you keep over-explaining yourself to her.  You are grasping at straws.  Yet, she is 'not giving at all'.. nothing, right? ( she's pulling away, lack of communication).  That isn't going to fix anything with you two.  

 

 

12 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

it causes me great anxiety, I’ve been taking antidepressants for 3 days and I’m finding it hard to sleep and work. I asked her to decide tonight, to either try to make our relationship work, to make it sometime beautiful for us both, tell the other guy it’s over between them and stop talking to him. Or end things with me, so I can begin to detach and move on.

IF she was truly into this, she would try harder!  Not be sleeping in another bed and avoid sex - with her partner. And it takes two to make it work ( not this one-sided).

Yes, there's a lot wrong here. Consider that fact.  Your anxiety is extreme now ( Not good on you).  Anti depr never worked for me, i needed something specific for anxiety to sleep, etc. ( But see how you feel in another 3 wks.. before considering something else).

Is not worth ruining yourself over a lost cause. We need to learn to read the signs.

Respect yourself and be stronger than this 'giving in'.  Like you have said yourself.. What is it?  Is she in.. or is she out? IMO, she is not all in  😕 

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15 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

Later that night I called her out and said that I know 100% that you slept with him, but I want to know why. She said it was because we had just had an argument.l

Although the above wasn't your overall question, her excuse doesn't hold water, (imo).  Along with that, "he/she is just a friend,"we only slept together one time" are just a short list of the many classic excuses. Having said that,   very few couples can get past infidelity in the long term.

In short, and not to sound harsh, but it appears you're in denial.  Your call...

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Whatever is happening between you two we can't really say or know what caused this, but the results are is that she has emotionally checked out. You both are just too afraid to see the reality that you two need to call it quits. I know that isn't helpful in your eyes, but it take takes two to want to repair a relaitonship...no one seems to want to so it's done. 

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Well there is that saying: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". You've made all the effort, the research, all the suggestions to her and she doesn't seem to want to do squat about any of it. It takes two people to be in a relationship and it just doesn't look like your girlfriend is actually putting in much effort here.

I don't want to sound insensitive or offensive to victims of sexual abuse... But it seems a little odd that she said she doesn't want to have sex because she was abused but yet she had sex with another guy? She says she's asexual but she had sex with another guy? I don't think she's actually asexual and I'm sorry to say it but I think it's actually you she doesn't want to have sex with.

I also agree that she's checking out of the relationship but for some reason she just can't tell you the truth. Also she's suddenly going back home to Finland and who is in Finland? That guy.

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5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I also agree that she's checking out of the relationship but for some reason she just can't tell you  the truth. Also she's suddenly going back home to Finland and who is in Finland? That guy.

^^ this also jumped out at me

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On 5/23/2022 at 5:42 AM, anonamous19 said:

Its seems very contradictory to not be that sexual but also cheat. Anyway..

Yeah, funny how that happens.

Lack of sex in a relationship is not the problem, it's a symptom of the problem.  And your problems here are many.  She has someone else.  Rather than giving her an ultimatum, you should just end it yourself.  Why give her the choice between you and this other guy?

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