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10 year relationship, last 2 no sex


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Thank you all for your input.

The other night, we had sex, I finally gave her an orgasm after 2 years. The next day, everything was normal, we talked about work, cooked dinner together, watched a movie.

The next day, she’s quiet, withdrawn. I ask her if everything is ok, silence. I say, I can see that something is up, if there’s anything I can do to help, or anything you want to talk about, I’m here for you.

She slept all day, I kept busy with things around the house.

This morning, I try to wake her up with coffee, gentle kisses and hugs at 10am, and like the many times I try to get her up before noon, she tells me to leave her alone. I try to reason with her and ask if there’s something she’d like to do today, it’s nice outside, please get up.. Silence.. I kissed some more and hugged her, she pushed me away with her legs and raised her voice, no let me sleep! I got up, said sternly, no, you’re sleeping all day again, it’s beautiful out there, it’s really sunny, you should get up and enjoy the day.

I went outside to drink a coffee, read your comments out in the yard, researched a little more and am very grateful for your input so far. Thank you all.

Could it be possible she is suffering from Quiet BPD?

And in my naivety, I have been researching “silent treatment “, or “withdrawn partner” “covert-narcissist” and such.

I admit, I am far for a perfect person and trying to force her to not sleep all day is a bit of a *** *** move.

Of course it’s confusing she said she’s asexual and then cheats on me.

The other guy is married with a child, I don’t think she’s trying to be with him.

I think it’s likely she has Quiet BPD, and I have been having trouble with that, where we would argue, it would be better to let her be quiet, realise her silent treatment and withdrawal is her own struggle,and all I can do to help is chill more and try and encourage her to do more positive activities. Create positive experiences.

What do you think?

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3 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

What do you think?

I think you are still making excuses for yourself to stick around in a relationship that has not worked in a long time. 

Drop the armchair diagnoses. That isn't the problem here. The problem is that she has checked out and you are annoying her with your attempt to make her interested in you again. 

 

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You can't diagnose her with ANYTHING.

You don't know which of her act is honest or dishonest, and YOU are not a qualified medical professional.

You need to accept that this relationship fantasy isn't working instead of forcing it through. But for some reason, both of you don't know how and don't want to break up. Until that happens... Enjoy the misery. 

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Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

 I try to wake her up with coffee, gentle kisses and hugs at 10am, and like the many times I try to get her up before noon, she tells me to leave her alone. I try to reason with her and ask if there’s something she’d like to do today, it’s nice outside, please get up.. 

Stop doing this passive aggressive crap.  If she's not a morning person, that's just one more incompatibility you have.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

Thank you all for your input.

The other night, we had sex, I finally gave her an orgasm after 2 years. The next day, everything was normal, we talked about work, cooked dinner together, watched a movie.

The next day, she’s quiet, withdrawn. I ask her if everything is ok, silence. I say, I can see that something is up, if there’s anything I can do to help, or anything you want to talk about, I’m here for you.

She slept all day, I kept busy with things around the house.

This morning, I try to wake her up with coffee, gentle kisses and hugs at 10am, and like the many times I try to get her up before noon, she tells me to leave her alone. I try to reason with her and ask if there’s something she’d like to do today, it’s nice outside, please get up.. Silence.. I kissed some more and hugged her, she pushed me away with her legs and raised her voice, no let me sleep! I got up, said sternly, no, you’re sleeping all day again, it’s beautiful out there, it’s really sunny, you should get up and enjoy the day.

I went outside to drink a coffee, read your comments out in the yard, researched a little more and am very grateful for your input so far. Thank you all.

Could it be possible she is suffering from Quiet BPD?

And in my naivety, I have been researching “silent treatment “, or “withdrawn partner” “covert-narcissist” and such.

I admit, I am far for a perfect person and trying to force her to not sleep all day is a bit of a *** *** move.

Of course it’s confusing she said she’s asexual and then cheats on me.

The other guy is married with a child, I don’t think she’s trying to be with him.

I think it’s likely she has Quiet BPD, and I have been having trouble with that, where we would argue, it would be better to let her be quiet, realise her silent treatment and withdrawal is her own struggle,and all I can do to help is chill more and try and encourage her to do more positive activities. Create positive experiences.

What do you think?

Why did you jump to the conclusion that she would "sleep all day"? Has she done this regularly in the past? Where are all these mental health issues and diagnoses coming from? 

She was in a "better mood" later on because she got to go back to sleep and wake up without someone demanding she get out of bed. 

Avoid telling her what to do and I agree about leaving out the armchair diagnoses. 

You may want to decide for yourself whether the relationship is sustainable in the long run. It's good that you both were able to be intimate but it's not clear if it's building up false hope as she continues to disappoint you and you turn to trying to figure out if she has mental health issues whenever you have a disagreement. You may see brief glimpses of her and function to some capacity as a couple but it may never be what you're looking for in a relationship or true partnership with someone who is as interested as you. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Posted (edited)
15 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

I try to wake her up with coffee, gentle kisses and hugs at 10am, and like the many times I try to get her up before noon, she tells me to leave her alone. I try to reason with her and ask if there’s something she’d like to do today, it’s nice outside, please get up.. Silence.. I kissed some more and hugged her, she pushed me away with her legs and raised her voice, no let me sleep! I got up, said sternly, no, you’re sleeping all day again, it’s beautiful out there, it’s really sunny, you should get up and enjoy the day.

I went outside to drink a coffee, read your comments out in the yard, researched a little more and am very grateful for your input so far. Thank you all.

Could it be possible she is suffering from Quiet BPD?

 

Or maybe she's suffering from Controlling Boyfriend.

That your relationship has lasted 10 years, is amazing.  How many years has this harassment gone on? 

Edited by waffle
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6 minutes ago, waffle said:

Or maybe she's suffering from Controlling Boyfriend.

That your relationship has lasted 10 years, is amazing.  How many years has this harassment gone on? 

This is ridiculous I agree.  I wake up my son for school sometimes - that's what it sounds like to me.  But worse of course because you're not her parent and there was no reason she had to get up other than you wanted her to.  

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Considering that she slept the whole day before, I think it’s appropriate to try and wake her up on her second day off to get some sunlight.

As you’re probably not aware, sunlight is good for the body and mind. As opposed to making wild assumptions.

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We’ve lasted ten years for the obvious reasons, everything is great except for the lack of sex.

Also, don’t reply if you’re a negative person, I don’t think you have the necessary experience to be advising people. Also don’t rely if you don’t know the difference between they’re, their and there, it blows my mind that you’re even attempting to help people.

Of course I have considered leaving, that should be extremely obvious. The goal here is to try and resolve and improve the situation, not abandon it.

If you’re experience and knowledgeable, you should’ve have to say that.

 

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If she’d been in bed all day for days, literally sleeping until evening I’d understand your concern and desire to get her out into the sun. But man, she wanted to sleep in. I’m actually not a morning person and my worst nightmare would be my partner trying to get me out of bed, before I have to. It sounds like a creepy parent child dynamic. Look, I understand your will is good and you have her best interest in mind. But she’s an adult. You need to let her make her own decisions. Also, i get the sense (with all your research and personal development) that you like to discuss issues… a lot. Correct me if I’m wrong. Maybe she just needs some peace and quiet, and shuts down when all that talking gets too much. 
You seem to be trying too hard to fix this. I understand you love her and you want to give it your all to save this relationship. You may be doing more damage than good though, if you don’t give her space and focus on yourself for a bit. Hey, she might even start missing you if you make yourself a bit more scarce. 

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3 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

everything is great except for the lack of sex.

Well, no. She also cheated on you. 

The lack of sex is symptomatic of the bigger problems between you. You are minimizing what that means. 

3 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

I think it’s appropriate to try and wake her up on her second day off to get some sunlight.

As you’re probably not aware, sunlight is good for the body and mind.

You aren't her dad, OP. She doesn't need your guidance to "get some sunlight." It's not about sunlight anyway, and you know that. It's clear that her lack of attention hurts you and you are trying in every way possible to get her to care more and spend time with you. It seems that her staying in bed bothers you because it suggests she doesn't want to spend time with you. But pestering her to wake up was not the way to address it. 

You can't fix a lack of interest with very occasional sex or sunlight. 

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MissCanuck, this is what I mean about assumptions. You’re jumping the gun and assuming the worst.

I didn’t wake her to spend time with me, I don’t mind what she does.

What’s clear is that she was depressed, she slept all day, literally. She had 1 meal. When she did wake up that night, she stood in the kitchen staring at the ground and burst into tears when I asked if she’s ok. I hugged her and she friend on my shoulder while I try to tell her it’s ok.

Its obvious I’m not her father, but as her friend, I want to help and sunlight is important when you’re depressed, for obvious reasons.

And if you don’t get that, that’s ok, but don’t pretend you’re a suitable mentor, advising people on this site. I’m not alone in this, I’ve read the reviews about this site. I should’ve done that before I wrote this OP.

There are some good comments here though, by thoughtful people who actually read the OP. And I thank you, and apologise for getting upset with the others.

Yes silent treatment is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Of course I’m no psychologist, I’m not trying to diagnose anyone, but having an idea of what could be wrong is a good place to start and whether or not the armchair diagnosis is correct, the methods to treat or aid the problems are good in nature for many relationships encountering tempestuous times.

Many of you have said to leave her, because it’s been 2 years with no sex.

Some said leave because she cheated on me.

However I think, and many sex therapists and psychologists agree, that a dry spell or cheating is not necessarily the end of a relationship.

It should be obvious a sexless relationship is a symptom of something else. I’ve already said I’ve done my research.

It should also be obvious I’m not trying to force her to do anything at all - ever.

I will, of course, help her in any way I can if she wishes to leave.

But as long as we are together, I will do what I can to learn, adapt and be as secure as possible for the good of our relationship and for us both.

And if she is suffering from Quiet BPD, that certainly would explain the silence, mood swings and after a deeper look into the symptoms, she ticks every box.

Trying to wake up a depressed person at 10am is not controlling, nor possessive. It’s kind.

When I share my thoughts and frustrations with you, I trust you will be thoughtful enough to act in kind.

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6 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

 I don’t think you have the necessary experience to be advising people. 

If you’re experience and knowledgeable, you should’ve have to say that.

Have you considered paying for professional help? See what the going rate for therapy is in your area or perhaps your insurance will cover it.

Not for her, for yourself. She swats you away like a fly, but you're the one troubled by all this.

6 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

As you’re probably not aware, sunlight is good for the body and mind. As opposed to making wild assumptions.

 

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6 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

If you’re experience and knowledgeable, you should’ve have to say that.

Then this isn't the right place for you. This is a forum and people will put in their advice and different perspectives to help you. But there's no guarantee of a solution or answers that only speak to your senses.

How about you seek a therapist for yourself? They'll learn all the details and they will be better equipped to help you.

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Look, cheating by itself doesn’t automatically end a long term relationship. In my opinion. Lack of sex drive doesn’t either. Silent treatment during arguments can be something she works on. However, all three combined? It’s blatantly obvious she’s not in this anymore, OP. I don’t know why she’s depressed. I get the feeling she’s afraid to leave. Maybe she’s afraid to be alone or maybe she still cares about you and doesn’t want to hurt you. But it’s clear to me that she does not want to date you anymore. You can’t fix her, only she can. And she’s not giving you anything, yet you cling on and try any possible way to justify her behavior. Let her go back to her country, don’t talk to her, give her space. She will either come back to you or not. There’s literally nothing else you can do. That’s not being harsh, and I hope you understand you need to protect yourself as well here. 

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In addition I’ve got one more point. I was in a long term relationship when I was younger. Over 10 years. I didn’t know how to get out… I loved my partner, but it was clear to me we had grown apart. That didn’t make it any easier to leave though…. I was very similar to your girlfriend in that I wasn’t interested in resolving arguments, I had no sexual desire. I didn’t cheat. I was hot and cold because I liked him and didn’t want to hurt him. I ended up leaving. I’m just saying, it sounds similar to what she’s going through. It does not sound at all like she’s interested in maintaining the relationship, I’m very sorry to say. 

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12 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

but don’t pretend you’re a suitable mentor, advising people on this site.

I am not pretending to be anything. 

I am giving advice and insight based on my personal experience, just like everyone else. I realize what I have to say does not align with the story you're trying to tell yourself about this relationship, but I am still free to post and contribute. 

12 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

I’m not alone in this, I’ve read the reviews about this site. I should’ve done that before I wrote this OP.

Nobody will be offended if you opt not to post in the future. We don't have a dog in this fight. 

12 hours ago, anonamous19 said:

MissCanuck, this is what I mean about assumptions. You’re jumping the gun and assuming the worst.

Yes, exactly. Why? Because your relationship as you descibe it sounds pretty crummy. I don't see much here to assume anything but the worst. I'm sorry. It's hard when we're trying  so hard to hang on to someone who just doesn't want to be there anymore. 

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On 5/28/2022 at 2:46 AM, waffle said:

Or maybe she's suffering from Controlling Boyfriend.

That your relationship has lasted 10 years, is amazing.  How many years has this harassment gone on? 

^ That was my thought exactly.  OP, you mention many many times that you "researched" a number of things.  Perhaps stop with all the "research" and go for professional counselling to help you sort out all of these issues and get advice on how to save this "relationship", if that's what you want.  No amount of "research" is going to improve your very broken relationship.  Time for counselling/therapy and self-reflecting.  Look within.

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Posted (edited)
On 5/28/2022 at 10:45 AM, anonamous19 said:

We’ve lasted ten years for the obvious reasons, everything is great except for the lack of sex.

Also, don’t reply if you’re a negative person, I don’t think you have the necessary experience to be advising people. Also don’t rely if you don’t know the difference between they’re, their and there, it blows my mind that you’re even attempting to help people.

Of course I have considered leaving, that should be extremely obvious. The goal here is to try and resolve and improve the situation, not abandon it.

If you’re experience and knowledgeable, you should’ve have to say that.

 

People are allowed to reply, this is a freedom of speech public forum and people are allowed to give their advice and opinions as long as they don't violate the forum rules. If you don't like that you are welcome to leave and stop posting.

I understand you love your girlfriend and you want the best for her and for the relationship to get back on track. However from your posts I'm getting the sense that you're overbearing and sort of a nit picker. Even your comment: "Don't reply if you don't know the difference between their and there." It's a minor spelling mistake, there's no need to be arrogant about it.

You keep doing research and trying to diagnose your girlfriend but I'm sorry, I don't think you really know or understand much about depression or mental illness. I'm not a psychologist myself so I don't try to diagnose people like what you're doing. But I did study an undergraduate degree in psychology, and a mental healthy course at community college. I have quite a few friends who have depression and I've also been working as a welfare worker with people with disabilities and mental health for eight years.

When someone is depressed, you have to understand that forceful approach just does not work and does NOT make the person feel better. There is nothing worse when someone is depressed to be pushing them and being like: "Look, just get up, just stop lying around and do something."

If someone was really sick with COVID, would you be like: "Get up and do something". No, because COVID is an illness. Depression is also an illness and just because it's not physical doesn't mean that person can just snap their fingers and just be fine. And just spring up and be all happy and energetic just because you told them to. The best approach for someone who is depressed is to be gentle and actually talk to the person and listen. Ask them how THEY feel.

I think also with any relationship issues, it's not a good approach to be like: "Look at all this research I've done and you need to do XYZ". It just doesn't feel very personal. I think in relationships you just need to talk to your partner. Just ask them, how are you feeling, what is going on.

You can encourage your girlfriend to see a psychologist or psychiatrist because they're a professional but you're not. Stop trying to be Dr. Phil and trying to diagnose and "fix her" yourself.

Also even if she wasn't depressed, if she has no commitments that day and wants to sleep in, so what. I would be angry if someone was forcing me to get up too if I had no particular reason to get up for. Sometimes people do just want to have a lazy day in bed and rest.

 

Edited by Tinydance
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16 hours ago, Tinydance said:

 . . . it's not a good approach to be like: "Look at all this research I've done and you need to do XYZ". 

 

This "research" (whatever that entails) has gone on for five years and nothing has improved.  In fact, it appears to have gotten worse.

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