What would you do in this FACEBOOK/Match.com situation?

[lavender899]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

But that is OK. He is a stranger that wants to get to know her. That is how literally every online dating interaction starts. Its her right to either accept it, just ignore it, or even block him. You are all acting like he would harass her. Just by shooting her a message that he wants to get to know her. Over a social network. Where she can freely just block him if she finds interaction innapropriate and get on with her life. As is his to shoot his shot and get along with his life if it happens.

 

I gave my opinion of how I would view it as a female. If someone saw me on a dating site, instead of messaging me there, they decide to look me up on facebook specifically an additional way to reach me. I would not like it. I doubt anything good would come out of that , unless as someone previously mentioned the girl is rather desperate 

I would think out of the hundreds/thousands of other women on there, this guy is focusing on me. It's a bit intense

[waffle]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, it's creepy and off-putting. Either pony up the money for full use of  dating apps or use free ones.

If she's not messaging you or not on free apps, then you'll have to move on.

This would be my suggestion.  I looked up £40.00 and that looks to be about $50US.  Is it worth it to spend that, do you think?  If so, do it--and if not, then . . . don't.  But I would not do it through Facebook.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, waffle said:

This would be my suggestion.  I looked up £40.00 and that looks to be about $50US.  Is it worth it to spend that, do you think?  If so, do it--and if not, then . . . don't.  But I would not do it through Facebook.

I agree. I go to a lot of trouble to keep my Facebook profile private. I don't even get friend requests from anyone who isn't a friend of a friend. And any messages that are not from someone on my friend list goes to a separate folder that I don't even see unless I deliberately look.

I would just go ahead and pay the fee for the dating site. She's on there for a reason and I'm pretty sure it isn't so she can build her Facebook friend list or get messages on Facebook.

[Andrina]

Hi Cumbrian Tom,

You already have plenty of answers to your question, so I'll shoot off in another direction. You're wanting to date, and yeah, OLD can be really tough. If you paid the fee, seeing that only one woman on there interests you, it's a big gamble with your money. Because a huge population resorts to OLD, it also means the competition is bigger. 

I looked at activities that go on in Cumbria (beautiful area), and hiking and bicycling seems to be common there. I don't know if there are any Meetup.com groups in your area you could participate in. If not, you could even start one yourself!

I think those groups are great, where there is less stress in meeting people, gradually getting to know them over time. And if nobody shows up on one occasion that you go, there's always next week or next month, as it's an ongoing activity.

You could also do volunteer work and/or take lessons like in cooking or painting or dancing, etc.

Think of it as getting yourself out there, spreading your net wide, to eventually find the catch.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Rose Mosse]

So did you or did you not? Inquiring minds want to know. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

What if I message her and not mention the dating website and just say something like hi, you popped up as someone i may know and caught my eye?

No, this is even worse. 

Just pay the fee and message her on the app, man. 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/18/2022 at 2:00 PM, Cumbrian Tom said:

I looked her up on Facebook and she has a profile there. I'm wanting to message her and just say that I've seen her profile on the dating site. 

Try this message:

[Tinydance]

Tom I'm not trying to be rude but I just have some questions for you...Do you work? What are you looking for on the dating websites? Do you live in a small town or a bigger city?

I'm actually female and when I was single I was a member of a paid website. This is an Australian website so I'm not sure if Match.com works like this. On this website you could look at any profiles you want but you couldn't actually message them unless you bought "stamps" (separate messages) or a monthly premium membership that gave you some special features and four stamps per month. What you could do though is send people a "kiss" to let them know you were interested in them and they could send a kiss back either saying they were interested too, or "thank you but not interested". This way the idea is that you only use stamps and message people who respond positively to you. I had the premium paid membership which I think was about $50 Australian per month. That's actually quite expensive just to use a dating site. I wanted marriage and kids though and because it was an expensive website, everyone there was looking for the same things basically.

My advice would be to think what you're looking for and whether that's worth spending money on or maybe you should just use free dating websites. I think it's always better to message a few women because some women may either not reply or the conversation might fizzle or you might meet in person and no chemistry/connection.

I find it quite surprising that you really saw only one woman you could message on Match.com which is a very popular and big dating website. Unless you're from a rural area I find that hard to believe. The fact that you only found one woman you like there and you're so set on messaging just her, I'm getting the impression maybe she's really attractive or something?

I think you need to be realistic that yeah if you just cold message a very attractive woman on social media, there is a very high chance she won't reply. I used to get a lot of messages from random guys on social media and I just ignored them all basically because I had no idea who they were and I was never trying to date on Facebook. I think the problem is if you just message her on social media and she ignores you, I think you wouldn't know if she's just not interested or whether she found it creepy.

Personally as a woman yes I do find it either creepy or just don't care because I always used to get these kinds of messages. And when I was younger I made the mistake of replying to one and was chatting and flirting on Facebook. Then found out he actually had a completely separate Facebook account as well which was his real account and it said he was engaged to some other woman! That's why usually I don't trust random guys that message me online, unless we actually have some mutual friends.

I think if you want to take dating seriously and you want a serious relationship then you may consider paying for the Match.com membership. If you really want something serious, why not pay at least for a month and message a few women and see how it goes? If you don't consider it worth it later then surely there's an option to just cancel the membership? I dunno, you just sound kind of stingy. If you have a job and are reasonably comfortable financially I don't really see why you're so reluctant to at least pay for this membership at least as a one off and see what happens. 

Of course if you don't want to pay, there are lots of free dating apps as well. You can message that woman on Facebook but I'm just not sure that you'd get any response. On dating sites people don't put their last name so it would look like you really went to a lot of trouble to look her up.

But again if you really made the decision you won't pay for Match.com then sure you can take a chance because it's not like you'd be able to message that woman on the website. I don't think you should expect a good result from that but then again at least the chance wouldn't be zero.

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I find it quite surprising that you really saw only one woman you could message on Match.com which is a very popular and big dating website.

I had a few dates with a plastic surgeon who said he joined Match to message me.  Hmm. Not sure I really bought that but he insisted.  (He also responded with a detailed analysis when I told him that I often got comments on my nose -meaning not too big/small just a little unusual -apparently he was ready with ideas of how to fix it LOL)

[wealthydior]

I think that’s okay to send her a message on Facebook. I wouldn’t find it creepy since it’s what everyone does nowadays. But I don’t have any experience on dating apps so maybe that’s why I think it’s normal.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

I think that’s okay to send her a message on Facebook. I wouldn’t find it creepy since it’s what everyone does nowadays. But I don’t have any experience on dating apps so maybe that’s why I think it’s normal.

I don't think everyone does that -sends messages to strangers who haven't given them their contact info.  I get a number of those from MLM-hawker types who mine our mutual friends' friend lists plus men and/or scammy men trying to hit on me.

[waffle]

On 5/18/2022 at 2:00 PM, Cumbrian Tom said:

I looked her up on Facebook and she has a profile there. I'm wanting to message her and just say that I've seen her profile on the dating site. 
 

So . . . how exactly did this come about?  Meaning how were you able to take her dating profile and find her Facebook account?

[Cumbrian Tom]

6 hours ago, waffle said:

So . . . how exactly did this come about?  Meaning how were you able to take her dating profile and find her Facebook account?

She has a pretty rare first name and the dating app tells you her town. 

 

In a similar way you would look up a someone from a business event e.g. a conference speaker using their first name and place of work. 

[Cumbrian Tom]

13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, this is even worse. 

Just pay the fee and message her on the app, man. 

How is that worse? 

[Cumbrian Tom]

15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I agree. I go to a lot of trouble to keep my Facebook profile private. I don't even get friend requests from anyone who isn't a friend of a friend. And any messages that are not from someone on my friend list goes to a separate folder that I don't even see unless I deliberately look.

I would just go ahead and pay the fee for the dating site. She's on there for a reason and I'm pretty sure it isn't so she can build her Facebook friend list or get messages on Facebook.

She hasn't taken these steps. She's on a public social networking site so can hardly complain. 

 

I feel it varies by person. Would you find it odd if someone say's hi when they pass you in the street?

[Cumbrian Tom]

9 hours ago, wealthydior said:

I think that’s okay to send her a message on Facebook. I wouldn’t find it creepy since it’s what everyone does nowadays. But I don’t have any experience on dating apps so maybe that’s why I think it’s normal.

Thanks 

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

How is that worse? 

Here's something you need to understand about us ladies: we generally don't love being cold-approached by men we don't know. The majority of women I know (myself included) don't like it. That includes on social media. Yes, there are exceptions. But you would be wiser to assume it's not a smooth move. 

Consider that we often get messaged out of the blue by random dudes online. Your message will likely be one among others that she ignores. I get randoms popping up in my inbox with some frequency.  I'm not single anyway, but when I was, I never replied to these guys. 

She signed up to a dating app for a reason. Assume that this is where she wants to connect with men. If you can't afford to use the app, you would be best to give this one a pass. 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

She has a pretty rare first name and the dating app tells you her town. 

Why can't you use tinder or one of the other free apps?

It sounds like you are going to do this either way. You just wanted tips on a less creepy message because in reality, you know how creepy it really is.

[Cumbrian Tom]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Here's something you need to understand about us ladies: we generally don't love being cold-approached by men we don't know. The majority of women I know (myself included) don't like it. That includes on social media. Yes, there are exceptions. But you would be wiser to assume it's not a smooth move. 

Consider that we often get messaged out of the blue by random dudes online. Your message will likely be one among others that she ignores. I get randoms popping up in my inbox with some frequency.  I'm not single anyway, but when I was, I never replied to these guys. 

She signed up to a dating app for a reason. Assume that this is where she wants to connect with men. If you can't afford to use the app, you would be best to give this one a pass. 

Where's this idea that I can't afford it come from? All I am saying is that the selection of women using the app in my local area is so small that she is the only person I have common interests with. The likely hood of me getting ignored messaging her through the dating site is pretty high so why spend £50 to be ignored when I can get ignored for free via Facebook? She is wanting a serious relationship (though she hasn't paid for full membership as full membership means someone else can message you even if they don't have a membership.) Just because she is on a dating app, does that mean she is closed off to meeting people elsewhere? Alas in real life? Or other outlets?

[Cumbrian Tom]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why can't you use tinder or one of the other free apps?

It sounds like you are going to do this either way. You just wanted tips on a less creepy message because in reality, you know how creepy it really is.

I don't want Tinder. Tinder is for (lets be honest here) when you want a casual hook up with a less than desirable woman. The price has nothing to do with it. All I am saying is that the selection of women using the app in my local area is so small that she is the only person I have common interests with. The likely hood of me getting ignored messaging her through the dating site is pretty high so why spend £50 to be ignored when I can get ignored for free via Facebook? She is wanting a serious relationship (though she hasn't paid for full membership as full membership means someone else can message you even if they don't have a membership.) Just because she is on a dating app, does that mean she is closed off to meeting people elsewhere? Alas in real life? Or other outlets?

 

Is it creepy to say hi to someone who caught your eye in real life? 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

Where's this idea that I can't afford it come from? 

Because you seem to be insisent on circumventing the app. That's why. 

You can argue with us all you want. Or you can just go ahead and message her anyway. We can only speak from our own experience of being messaged by randoms on social media. There is a reason your odds are low here. 

But do what do you want. 

[Cumbrian Tom]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Because you seem to be insisent on circumventing the app. That's why. 

You can argue with us all you want. Or you can just go ahead and message her anyway. We can only speak from our own experience of being messaged by randoms on social media. There is a reason your odds are low here. 

But do what do you want. 

You're not making yourself very clear. Messaging on a dating app means you're just another random too. The app literally only offers her as a compatible match in our location. 

 

What's so wrong with saying hi to someone on Facebook? You'd do it in real life wouldn't you?

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

You're not making yourself very clear.

Or, you simply prefer to argue. I am not sure what is so difficult for you to understand about this concept: she paid to use an app. The men there have done the same. They are all there for the same reason, and have taken the extra step (payment) to find a suitable match. The same is not true on a social media profile, whose general purpose is not dating. 

4 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

What's so wrong with saying hi to someone on Facebook? You'd do it in real life wouldn't you?

When random men approach me in the street to say hi, I nod politely and keep walking.

 

[Tinydance]

10 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

You're not making yourself very clear. Messaging on a dating app means you're just another random too. The app literally only offers her as a compatible match in our location. 

 

What's so wrong with saying hi to someone on Facebook? You'd do it in real life wouldn't you?

Actually, I think there is a difference. When you message people on a dating app, they are there to date. They also want to see your online profile and read everything about you so that they get the idea of who you are, your interests, your education and work, your spiel about yourself, etc, etc. If they like what they read in the profile then they're likely to reply.

On Facebook, unless you have a completely public profile, they don't actually see anything about you. I doubt a woman would just add some random guy on Facebook straight away so she wouldn't know who you are. 

Of course we all know people Facebook stalk but I think the social etiquette is that you do it in secret. If you message saying: "Hi, I saw you on a dating website and looked you up", it's not a good look. 

I guess it also depends how old you are and how old she is. I've noticed these days younger people, for example teenagers and people in their early 20's seem to want to message people or add people they don't know. I'm 37 though so I didn't grow up with social media. I find that amongst my friends and people in my age group, you don't message or add people unless you either somehow know them or they at least have some connection to you in some way. E.g. You met them somewhere or they're a friend of a friend. Usually I think if a stranger messages it's not looked upon positively.

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Or, you simply prefer to argue. I am not sure what is so difficult for you to understand about this concept: she paid to use an app. The men there have done the same. They are all there for the same reason, and have taken the extra step (payment) to find a suitable match. The same is not true on a social media profile, whose general purpose is not dating. 

When random men approach me in the street to say hi, I nod politely and keep walking.

 

Yes!