What would you do in this FACEBOOK/Match.com situation?

[Cumbrian Tom]

13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Or, you simply prefer to argue. I am not sure what is so difficult for you to understand about this concept: she paid to use an app. The men there have done the same. They are all there for the same reason, and have taken the extra step (payment) to find a suitable match. The same is not true on a social media profile, whose general purpose is not dating. 

When random men approach me in the street to say hi, I nod politely and keep walking.

 

She hasn't paid to use the app otherwise I'd be able to message her. The app is free to browse but you need to pay a subscription to message and receive messages (BUT if one person has a full membership, other users can message them for free). 

[Cumbrian Tom]

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Actually, I think there is a difference. When you message people on a dating app, they are there to date. They also want to see your online profile and read everything about you so that they get the idea of who you are, your interests, your education and work, your spiel about yourself, etc, etc. If they like what they read in the profile then they're likely to reply.

On Facebook, unless you have a completely public profile, they don't actually see anything about you. I doubt a woman would just add some random guy on Facebook straight away so she wouldn't know who you are. 

Of course we all know people Facebook stalk but I think the social etiquette is that you do it in secret. If you message saying: "Hi, I saw you on a dating website and looked you up", it's not a good look. 

I guess it also depends how old you are and how old she is. I've noticed these days younger people, for example teenagers and people in their early 20's seem to want to message people or add people they don't know. I'm 37 though so I didn't grow up with social media. I find that amongst my friends and people in my age group, you don't message or add people unless you either somehow know them or they at least have some connection to you in some way. E.g. You met them somewhere or they're a friend of a friend. Usually I think if a stranger messages it's not looked upon positively.

I'm 20 and she is 21. It's not like I am trying to message a 30 year old. I've decided to drop the 'met you on a dating site and say that she was in my recommended feed (she does live just outside my town). 

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

I'm 20 and she is 21. It's not like I am trying to message a 30 year old. I've decided to drop the 'met you on a dating site and say that she was in my recommended feed (she does live just outside my town). 

Hmmm well you can try it and see what happens. Maybe it's more common in your age group to message like this so maybe it's more acceptable. Have you tried OK Cupid? In my opinion it's a good free app which is not just for hookup.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

 why spend £50 to be ignored when I can get ignored for free via Facebook? 

Love this logic! Why pay to be ignored when you can get ignored for free.🤷

So in fact you do know you'll go in the spam bin and get blocked so why pay for that?🚫🗑️💰

[Cumbrian Tom]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Love this logic! Why pay to be ignored when you can get ignored for free.🤷

So in fact you do know you'll go in the spam bin and get blocked so why pay for that?🚫🗑️💰

You're just being ridiculous now. As Tinydance has said, I should give it a go. I am 20 and she is 21. Apparently it's common among our age group. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

You're just being ridiculous now. As Tinydance has said, I should give it a go. I am 20 and she is 21. Apparently it's common among our age group. 

Then just do it, Tom. 

You don’t need our endorsement if you’ve already decided. 

[Cumbrian Tom]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then just do it, Tom. 

You don’t need our endorsement if you’ve already decided. 

Ta. Nothing to lose, and if it's common of 20 year olds... I probs should have put our ages in the original post. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

Ta. Nothing to lose, and if it's common of 20 year olds... I probs should have put our ages in the original post. 

Tinder and other free apps recommend here are more popular than FB fly-bys.

In fact, FB itself is for oldsters. You're not even on IG, SC or whatever the cool apps are?

Anyway your economics are correct, why pay for nothing when you already know it's nothing? 

[Cumbrian Tom]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Tinder and other free apps recommend here are more popular than FB fly-bys.

In fact, FB itself is for oldsters. You're not even on IG, SC or whatever the cool apps are?

Anyway your economics are correct, why pay for nothing when you already know it's nothing? 

FB itself is for oldsters? But she is on Facebook...?

[Tinydance]

46 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

You're just being ridiculous now. As Tinydance has said, I should give it a go. I am 20 and she is 21. Apparently it's common among our age group. 

I don't actually know if it's common, I was just speculating. I'm 37 so I'm not in that age group or Gen Z. I barely just made it into millennial lol

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

She hasn't taken these steps. She's on a public social networking site so can hardly complain. 

 

I feel it varies by person. Would you find it odd if someone say's hi when they pass you in the street?

That's different and it depends - how the hi is said and if personal space is respected -I've had strangers get in my face to say hi in a leering way.  And the hi is in passing -it's not asking for a response, it's fleeting, and that person doesn't want me to assume I know him or her (sometimes I actually do and don't remember).  It's also not meant to show I've been looked up or searched up.

[Batya33]

My friend's kids are in their 20s.  Often they come up as friend suggestions.  I never ever message or friend them without my friend telling me to. My only exception is the kids of certain cousins where I know it actually would be welcomed if I reached out. 

But with friends, even though they are on a public network and I know their parents I know it could appear strange or inappropriate.  I mean I'm a middle aged woman but it still comes across as invasive and creepy even though it's a public social media site.  It's about personally appropriate boundaries.

I believe that people who post on Linkedin are saying they want to be contacted for business/professional purposes so I feel comfortable doing that but for example I wouldn't like if someone contacted me for social purposes unless I'd given them my number and somehow the numbers got transposed.  It's not as clear as "it's a public network" -appropriate social behavior is more nuanced especially when it's someone contacting someone with a dating interest.  

[Cumbrian Tom]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My friend's kids are in their 20s.  Often they come up as friend suggestions.  I never ever message or friend them without my friend telling me to. My only exception is the kids of certain cousins where I know it actually would be welcomed if I reached out. 

But with friends, even though they are on a public network and I know their parents I know it could appear strange or inappropriate.  I mean I'm a middle aged woman but it still comes across as invasive and creepy even though it's a public social media site.  It's about personally appropriate boundaries.

I believe that people who post on Linkedin are saying they want to be contacted for business/professional purposes so I feel comfortable doing that but for example I wouldn't like if someone contacted me for social purposes unless I'd given them my number and somehow the numbers got transposed.  It's not as clear as "it's a public network" -appropriate social behavior is more nuanced especially when it's someone contacting someone with a dating interest.  

... I'm not trying to talk to kids...

[reinventmyself]

5 hours ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

 

Is it creepy to say hi to someone who caught your eye in real life? 

(to me)  Yes!  I would feel as if you tracked me down.  I wouldn't find it a compliment and assume you did this as a habit.  Besides, telling someone you noticed them in real life is a lie and how do you know I'm not married and therefore your attention inappropriate?

Is it fair to make this assumption every time?  Probably not.  You may be the one nice guy who's interest is a compliment.  But in the this day and age women are exposed to a lot of unsolicited and often creepy attention on the internet, so out of all your options this is probably not the best. 

Unfortunately creepers and scammers have ruined this plan for you.  Women are cautious and leery for good reason. 

That's one of the benefits of a dating website, the ability vet out people who are there for the right reasons.  And even with that, you still have to eliminate a good portion of them.

Ultimately, it's your choice.  You asked for input.

[reinventmyself]

 . . now I am going to contradict myself, having just read your age.

It just came to mind that it may be more common that young people "slip into to each other's DMs"  

Good luck with your decision.

 

[Cumbrian Tom]

10 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

 . . now I am going to contradict myself, having just read your age.

It just came to mind that it may be more common that young people "slip into to each other's DMs"  

Good luck with your decision.

 

Thanks. I won't be weird and mention the dating site. I'll just say she came up as 'someone you may know' and I thought I'd say hi! 

 

If she replies then great! If not I won't be chasing it up as THAT is when it starts to get creepy. 

 

Thanks Again for your reply! 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

... I'm not trying to talk to kids...

Did you read what I wrote- these kids are your age or older. You're not trying to "talk" to her -you're trying to contact her to convince her to talk to you for dating purposes.

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

Thanks. I won't be weird and mention the dating site. I'll just say she came up as 'someone you may know' and I thought I'd say hi! 

 

If she replies then great! If not I won't be chasing it up as THAT is when it starts to get creepy. 

 

Thanks Again for your reply! 

If this is someone you think you want to date do not lie to her as to how you first realized you wanted to contact her.  

[Cumbrian Tom]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Did you read what I wrote- these kids are your age or older. You're not trying to "talk" to her -you're trying to contact her to convince her to talk to you for dating purposes.

No. I'm trying to contact her to get to know her. I might find that she's not someone I would want to date. You should just see what happens. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Cumbrian Tom said:

No. I'm trying to contact her to get to know her. I might find that she's not someone I would want to date. You should just see what happens. 

You want to get to know someone based on a photo on a dating site.  But not badly enough to join the dating site.  Then you want to lie to her as to how you first saw her.  Very bad first impression.  And first impressions are everything.

[Cumbrian Tom]

Just now, Batya33 said:

You want to get to know someone based on a photo on a dating site.  But not badly enough to join the dating site.  Then you want to lie to her as to how you first saw her.  Very bad first impression.  And first impressions are everything.

How would you go about it?

[Batya33]

Just now, Cumbrian Tom said:

How would you go about it?

Join the dating site and contact her.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, starting out with a lie is a really bad look.

Either pony up the fee for the dating site or go on free sites only.

Have you searched for her on any of the free sites?

[Cumbrian Tom]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, starting out with a lie is a really bad look.

Either pony up the fee for the dating site or go on free sites only.

Have you searched for her on any of the free sites?

What wrong with messaging someone on Facebook? Using direct messaging is pretty common these days

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

What wrong with messaging someone on Facebook? Using direct messaging is pretty common these days

Nothing in general.  What's wrong is how you are planning to do it in this particular situation.  What's still pretty common these days:  being truthful with people and acting in a respectful way towards other human beings.  I'm sure you learned that in kindergarten at the very latest.