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What would you do in this FACEBOOK/Match.com situation?


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Hi, 

I've seen a girl on a dating website which I'd like to get to know better. The issue is, is that the membership fee to send a message is £40.00. She's the only girl I'm intending to message so seems a bit of a waste. 

I looked her up on Facebook and she has a profile there. I'm wanting to message her and just say that I've seen her profile on the dating site. 

My message: 

Hi NAME, I'm Tom, I saw your profile on NAME dating site and thought I'd say Hi!. Apologies if this is a bit forward, I just felt I had to try and reach out to you. 

Many Thanks, 
Tom 

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I sort of had this happen to me. Years ago I had a profile on Eharmony and hadn't yet joined (I never ended up joining). I listed my first name, job, a few other normal descriptives.  Well this guy who had a similar job narrowed down in our huge major city me and another person with the same first name.  Turned out she was married so he assumed I was the one -and he emailed me at work.  He also hadn't paid the fee.  Turned out we had a number of common friends, mostly through our similar work, so I felt comfortable meeting him. And i was ok with how he reached out.  He was polite.  

I think it's fine to message her but often people don't check their FB messages.  Good luck!

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I'm not too fond of the idea but I think in this day and age that doesn't seem unusual. I'm sure there are countless others who've done the same thing. If she doesn't like it she can block you and at that point, don't keep pursuing her. 

Ask her out to coffee soon as well if she responds and don't keep going back and forth with messages.

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Eh, what do you have to lose? Most you will do is to have stranger not to respond to you. So, try it.

Be more specific please, message is too generic. Why is she the only girl that you want to message? Did you read something interesting about her on her profile? Say for example how you maybe have same hobbies or interests and that you felt compeled to at least contact her and try to get to know her in this way and say Hi.

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6 hours ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

Hi, 

I've seen a girl on a dating website which I'd like to get to know better. The issue is, is that the membership fee to send a message is £40.00. She's the only girl I'm intending to message so seems a bit of a waste. 

I looked her up on Facebook and she has a profile there. I'm wanting to message her and just say that I've seen her profile on the dating site. 

My message: 

Hi NAME, I'm Tom, I saw your profile on NAME dating site and thought I'd say Hi!. Apologies if this is a bit forward, I just felt I had to try and reach out to you. 

Many Thanks, 
Tom 

 if it was me, personally I'd feel it was a bit too intrusive someone random finding me on Facebook after seeing me on an app. 

But not Everyones the same i guess

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21 minutes ago, lavender899 said:

 if it was me, personally I'd feel it was a bit too intrusive someone random finding me on Facebook after seeing me on an app. 

But not Everyones the same i guess

I agree. I think its super creepy and I definitely would not respond. 

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Just my opinion but I don't like it when people message me on social media when I didn't actually give them my social media. I've had guys do it to me and I thought it seemed too pushy and like stalking and it put me off. What actually put me off was that they didn't know if I wanted to talk to them or not. That approach never worked with me if I'll be honest. 

You really don't see any other women you could message on that website if you joined? The problem is, messaging only one girl might not have any result anyway. Just because you messaged someone doesn't mean they're going to reply. Usually people don't respond if they're not interested. So from that perspective you're right that it might be a waste of money.

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She knows zero about you since you do not have a profile and she isn't using social media to date, she is actually using a dating site for that.

If you do this it could look like you are to cheap to pay for a site and contact her so it will appear she isn't that important to you. You will also seem somewhat stalkerish since really that is what you did. Lastly if you really want a shot with this woman then meet her on even terms on the dating site.  Statistically there is a low percentage of a chance she will respond favorably even on the dating site but once you pay for a short term membership you can message other women.

  This kind of feels like you seeing her on social media, figuring out where she works and showing up one day and trying to chat her up. 

 You really want to make a good impression when you meet someone for the first time, do you really think this will take you down that path?

  Lost

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1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

She knows zero about you since you do not have a profile and she isn't using social media to date, she is actually using a dating site for that.

If you do this it could look like you are to cheap to pay for a site and contact her so it will appear she isn't that important to you. You will also seem somewhat stalkerish since really that is what you did. Lastly if you really want a shot with this woman then meet her on even terms on the dating site.  Statistically there is a low percentage of a chance she will respond favorably even on the dating site but once you pay for a short term membership you can message other women.

  This kind of feels like you seeing her on social media, figuring out where she works and showing up one day and trying to chat her up. 

 You really want to make a good impression when you meet someone for the first time, do you really think this will take you down that path?

  Lost

I actually had a bad experience with an actual stalker once. I was talking to him on a dating site and at the time I was briefly working as a receptionist for an optometrist. We were just talking about what we do for work and he asked me what I do and what area I work in. I didn't tell him the name of the store or anything about it but I just said: "I work at the optometrist in X suburb".

I think he asked me do I just work 9 to 5 and I said yes. Then the next thing I know, at 5:00 p.m. he just shows up to my work and says he's taking me out on a date! I was only 25 at the time and came out of a bad break up. So I think I was stunned and still went out with him. But straight after said I'm not interested.

The way I feel about these things is if you didn't give people your contacts then they shouldn't contact you there. E.g. If you didn't give them your social media then they shouldn't message you there. It's even worse if you'd never even spoken to that person.

Match.com is a very big website, right? Or do you live in a small town OP? There must be more than only one woman you'd want to message if you paid the membership?

 

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I wouldn't contact her on FB, no. 

She didn't give you her contact info there, and you don't know her, so stick to the app. If you can't afford to use the app the way it's designed, you should stick to other ones that are lower-cost. 

Also, remember that your message on FB will wind up in another inbox (for people who aren't on the user's Friends list), and she might not even see the message. 

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7 hours ago, Lambert said:

I think its super creepy and I definitely would not respond. 

Yes, it's creepy and off-putting. Either pony up the money for full use of  dating apps or use free ones.

If she's not messaging you or not on free apps, then you'll have to move on.

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I agree with the fact you don't lose anything by trying. Just let her know where you've found her profile and why you couldn't reach out in match.com, but would love to chat and get to know her.

I would however consider purchasing the paid version of the app for a trial cause you can't do this with everyone. I think you are using match.com because they work on giving you strong potentials (unlike other apps where you swipe left/right), so I understand you don't want to use a different app. So yea, give it a try for a month. At least you don't risk being seen as creepy by your match on Facebook.

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I like the varying perspectives here and I get it as far as hunting someone down on social media.  I've done so platonically - most always on Linkedin -if I meet someone and we talk about where we work I will contact them on Linkedin to keep in touch for networking purposes. (If I forget when we meet to ask if that is ok).  And I've contacted a couple of women where I met the husband at the playground with our kids so we can set up a playdate. I don't want to ask husband for his details if it comes across awkward and I figure that way I'm also not intruding at all on the marital stuff.  

Years ago a man I met at a party tried to add me on Facebook -this was in 2008 and I didn't even remember giving him my full name.  I actually did find that creepy so Tinydance's post reminded me of this.  The thing is we'd talked at length at this party -I was sitting across the room from him and was pregnant and wearing an engagement ring.  No flirting at all so I found him sort of searching me up on Facebook (I guess through a mutual friend??) creepy.  Thanks for reminding me of that. 

I also agree the excuse is lame -didn't want to pay to join - different if he met her out in person, there was obvious interest and she indicated she wanted to keep in touch but it didn't work out that they actually exchanged info.

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16 hours ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

Hi NAME, I'm Tom, I saw your profile on NAME dating site and thought I'd say Hi!. Apologies if this is a bit forward, I just felt I had to try and reach out to you. 

At best she'll think you're cheap or broke. Or you're someone who likes circumventing things and getting something for nothing. All of it is bad news.

Let's face it, if you can't invest in a trial run of a paid app, you probably can't afford to date. 

If you do contact her, you run the risk of her reporting you to both Match and FB and those sites blocking you.

If you are too cheap to pay for the apps, you'll have to deal with the stuff on the free apps.

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6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

At best she'll think you're cheap or broke. Or you're someone who likes circumventing things and getting something for nothing. All of it is bad news.

Let's face it, if you can't invest in a trial run of a paid app, you probably can't afford to date. 

If you do contact her, you run the risk of her reporting you to both Match and FB and those sites blocking you.

If you are too cheap to pay for the apps, you'll have to deal with the stuff on the free apps.

Also when I was on Match etc many years ago I heard that sometimes there were profiles shown to potential subscribers that were fake but you know, click bait -so who knows if this person is even active on Match - contacting her might put her in an awkward situation if she simply forgot to delete her profile (a mistake I made many years ago -I thought I had done enough, I hadn't).  

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45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

At best she'll think you're cheap or broke. Or you're someone who likes circumventing things and getting something for nothing. All of it is bad news.

I agree. 

OP, consider that she might using a paid app like Match specifically to avoid men who hit her up out of the blue on social media. 

 

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11 minutes ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

What if I message her and not mention the dating website and just say something like hi, you popped up as someone i may know and caught my eye?

I think the problem with reaching out cold like this is, it's easy to be dismissed as a scam or catfish. 

Look at this way- you find her attractive. So attractive no one else compares on the dating app.  So it's safe to assume she is getting hit on all the time.

You're just one more weird stranger to ignore. 

I don't accept friends or connections from people I don't know. I would imagine a person has to be pretty desperate to do so.  And it just feels dangerous.

You are only looking at this from your point of view. Not from a woman's. Do you have any female friends? 

 

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Posted (edited)

I wouldn't want the reminder of how easy it is to track down and uncover things about someone.  Had you gone to the effort to seek me out elsewhere, I'd likely block you.  I paid for a membership for a dating app where I felt I had some control over meeting strangers.  That in itself is more than enough exposure. I didn't invite you to seek me out elsewhere.  

Your intentions seem to be in the right place.  Just giving you an insight on how they might be received.  Most women get their share of unsolicited "Hi, how are you" messages on social media.  You'll get lost in the shuffle and deleted with the rest of them.

Pay for one month and then cancel.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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1 hour ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

What if I message her and not mention the dating website and just say something like hi, you popped up as someone i may know and caught my eye?

😂😂 she will see right through that and know you're  a stranger hitting on her.  Well i would anyway.

Everyone is different. Some may find it creepy, some may be open and flattered, it depends on the individual.

But if I was you I personally wouldn't do that. 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Cumbrian Tom said:

What if I message her and not mention the dating website and just say something like hi, you popped up as someone i may know and caught my eye?

If the other message was a 9 on the creepometer scale this is about a 7. She can see who viewed her on Match.

image.png.d3f0e01358a03819c4a7dbafa283d370.png

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, Lambert said:

You're just one more weird stranger to ignore. 

 

But that is OK. He is a stranger that wants to get to know her. That is how literally every online dating interaction starts. Its her right to either accept it, just ignore it, or even block him. You are all acting like he would harass her. Just by shooting her a message that he wants to get to know her. Over a social network. Where she can freely just block him if she finds interaction innapropriate and get on with her life. As is his to shoot his shot and get along with his life if it happens.

 

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I've had men message me this way. I have ignored and deleted every single one of the messages. Fortunately they all got the hint and didn't try again.

That doesn't mean this woman wouldn't welcome messages from men she doesn't know. Who knows. The worst that could happen is she blocks you and deletes the message.

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Posted (edited)

@Kwothe28 everyone is entitled to their opinion. The OP asked and I responded with mine.  As you did with yours. 

We are not '"all acting"  in any way. especially not together in a mob sense. It's the majority opinion.

No one is stopping him from doing whatever he wants. 

Edited by Lambert
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