The girl of my dreams cut things off suddenly, and I’m lost on how to proceed

[rugmaster22]

TL;DR; I (29m) and, we’ll call her Ashley (24f), had been seeing each other for several months and things were going amazingly, but she recently said we had to stop as she has become overwhelmed with conflicting feelings (understandably, explained below) and just wants to be alone right now. It’s been almost a month now and I’ve been an emotional and mental wreck, with no signs of improvement and I need advice on what to do.

 

Now the full story to give context…

 

Ashley and I grew up in the same hometown. We are 5 years apart so we only really just knew of each other growing up (small rural town), but she has 2 older brothers near my age who to this day are still 2 of my best friends. Fast forward, I go off to college and then grad school. She ends up going to the same college. This is where our friendship began.

Through shared interests and having the same mutual friends, we end up becoming quite close friends in college. We would casually hang out, go out drinking, etc. together. We were both very much in our “wild stage” and were sleeping around with other people and overall enjoying the college experience.  We’d laugh/gossip to each other about our most recent hookups, talk about personal things, etc. We really clicked as friends and became very close. I would even sometimes sleep in her bed with her, but everything remained completely platonic and the most we ever did during these years was hug each other.  Friends would often say we should be together, but we both weren’t at a stage in our life where we were looking for anything serious.  Admittedly, at one point, I did start to begin having feelings for her on a romantic level, but they were somewhat confusing to me at the time, and I did not want to jeopardize our awesome friendship by bringing it up.  I was able to suppress them and move on without ever telling her.

Eventually she graduated college and moved back home to pursue getting into med school.  I had finished grad school and landed a great job.  Over the next several years, Ashley and I’s friendship remained, but was definitely less involved than before.  We’d see each other maybe once every 3-5 months at friend gatherings (remember, small town life). We’d always greet with a hug and make small talk, but we were not as close as we were before.  During this time, she also had gotten a boyfriend, we’ll call him Tony.  Tony was cool and I really did like him at the time.  He was several years younger than her and had dropped out of college, but was a really chill and nice dude and I enjoyed hanging out with him as well.  They really seemed to get along great and were a good couple.  I was happy for Ashley.

In the fall of 2020, Ashley got accepted into med school halfway across the country and moved out there with Tony.  They lived together out there and during this time, my communication with her had really fallen off.  We may have texted each other happy birthday’s and seen each other briefly when she was back visiting, but that was it.

I was engulfed in my job, working a lot and living the single life.  I had matured tenfold by now, no longer partying all the time or sleeping around.  I hadn’t been in a real relationship for 6 years now, and around late 2019 realized I was actually ready to settle down if the right girl came along.  Over the next 2 years I had virtually no luck in the dating world and a quiet sadness/longing was growing inside me that I would never find someone.  I would be a liar if I said I didn’t think of Ashley every now and again, thinking how close we were and wondering if that could have been something, thinking I blew it by not telling her my feelings years ago.  But I accepted that that ship had sailed, as she had been with Tony for several years now, and doing great as far as I knew.  I assumed they would get married when she finished med school.

----

Skip ahead to December 2021...I randomly get a text from Ashley (we hadn’t spoke in over 6 months atleast) asking if I wanted to go to Vegas in a couple weeks with her and her parents.  I was a little confused but excited.  I hadn’t traveled since Covid and had been looking for an excuse to get away.  Keep in mind, I had grown up friends with her brothers, so I was also pretty close with her parents and have known them my whole life and they liked me.  I’d been to Vegas with them all several times before in college, so I didn’t find it all that weird.  She then explained to me that she and Tony had just broken up. She had come home for winter break while he stayed out there.  He had some people over for a small party and cheated on her (with 2 girls!).  He felt the guilt and came clean on the phone with her the next day.  This was absolutely out of left field and just devastating.  I was shocked when I heard.

Her parents had already planned and paid for this trip for the 4 of them, and decided Ashley needed a friend to go along or she would be miserable. I later found out both her brother and her mom were the ones that suggested she ask me to go.

----

Going into the trip I truthfully had zero intentions of doing anything with her or it leading to anything.  I was just excited to get away on vacation, and catch up with an old friend who I hadn’t seen in forever.  I felt extremely bad for her and wanted to be there for her to make sure she had a good time and get her mind off the breakup for a few days.

To spare all the details of the trip, we had a great time. The first few days were spent just hanging out and catching up on life. We were comfortable with each other just like old times.  It really was nice and we were both happy to be around each other. She seemed to be handling herself very well and having a good time, which surprised me a little.

The third day is when things escalated.  We were drinking steadily throughout the day and tensions were increasing.  Jump to that night and she asked me to stay the night in her room with her (we had separate rooms).  We layed in bed and talked for awhile, and soon began making out.  One thing led to another and we had sex. I was hesitant at first, thinking it might be awkward or that it wasn’t a good idea, but it was not awkward at all and we both agreed it was amazing.  Afterwards we laid there and that’s when I threw everything out on the table….

----

Nervously I confessed to her about the feelings I had for her back in college but never said anything, and then about how I’ve been thinking about her the past few years wondering if I had let the right one get away.  To my pleasant surprise, she was very receptive.  She told me she had sometimes thought about me in the same way over the past couple years. And that Tony was actually not a fan of me; they had once gotten in a fight over me because Tony noticed how she always laughed at my jokes and how close we were.  When Tony found out I was going to Vegas with them (she felt obligated to tell him since it was supposed to be their trip), he said “I always knew that if you weren’t with me that you would be with OP”.

The next and final night in Vegas was essentially a repeat of the night before, and we stayed up late again talking and going more in depth about what happens next.  She was moving back close to home and transferring to a school 45 mins from me as she could not fathom continuing to live with him across the country.  We both agreed we really like each other and would take it slow and see where things go from here.  I made it very clear I had no intentions of disrupting her life and understood the trauma of the situation she was going through and that I wanted her to do whatever she wanted to do without any pressure from me. I had a strong feeling of guilt that I felt like I was “swooping in” on her in this vulnerable state she is in, but she assured me not to feel like that and she knows that is not the case.

----

We returned home from vacation and the following events of January and February 2022 can be lumped together.  We began texting every day and then slowly hanging out more and more often.  Things were great.  We really enjoyed each other’s company and were very comfortable around each other.  There was an obvious chemistry between us.  We’d go on dates, binge watch netflix, and sleep over at each other’s places.  My job required me to travel often, and the times I was gone, we’d facetime all evening and night just hanging out talking about nothing for hours.

The longer this continued, I was falling for this girl more and more and she was too for me. We were extremely open with each other, and honesty about our feelings was a top priority.  We could tell each other anything and everything without fear of hurting the other person.  We often talked about the future such as how many kids we want and proper parenting, where we want to settle down including details of our dream home, what a successful marriage would entail, our values/beliefs/morals etc.  Basically laid out how we each envision the rest of our lives and we agreed on essentially everything.  We’d reminisce on old times and how it’s obvious now that something says we should be together.  How all of our friends, family, and people in our hometown would be so happy to see us together.  She’d joke (but was serious) about how she wanted to have my babies and how I’d be the most perfect father and husband.

During this period, we were working under the mutual pretense that it’s just too soon after her breakup to be dating.  I continuously made it clear I did not want her to feel any pressure from me as far as starting an official relationship.  I was okay with continuing on with how things were and giving her the time and space she needed until she naturally felt comfortable with it.  She was always very appreciative of this and thanked me for it.  By now, I felt a blanket of comfort and happiness in life that I haven’t felt in over a decade, and all my worries and stresses about life and the future had disappeared.

----

However, it was obvious that she was still deeply hurt by what happened with Tony and the trauma it caused.  This nice guy who she was happily with for several years and thought she was going to marry, just up and cheated on her one night.  It didn’t make sense to her, her family, me or anyone.

And Tony was not dealing with it well at all.  After a few weeks he decided to move back home and moved into a place 5 minutes away from Ashley’s.  He was constantly texting and calling her in tears and apologizing, promising to do anything to get her back and make it right.  The problem with Ashley is she’s an extremely caring person, and hates to see anyone sad or in distress when it’s in any way related to her.  She felt sorry for him and hated seeing him like this and would try to console with him, but at the same time could not see herself getting back together with him.  Ashley would tell me about this and their conversations and I would offer my advice.  She’d even tell me when they would meet up and talk.  I obviously did not like this, but I understood this is part of the healing process and did not get upset with her for doing so. She assured me they were not doing anything but talking, and I truly believe her.  She was still disgusted and angry at what he did to her.

Most of March was much of the same as Jan and Feb, but I could tell Ashley was beginning to struggle even more.  We were still growing closer and closer, but she was still trying to make sense of what happened with Tony. We’d be great, then out of the blue I could tell something was off and we’d talk about it.  She’d explain how she is trying not to treat me like a boyfriend but it’s hard not to.  How she doesn’t want to create a false sense of reality in a sense of us being and talking like we’re in a relationship when we’re not.  How she wishes she could just give me her all but she still has reservations and hasn’t allowed herself to get into the mindset of really liking someone again.  She’d say she really likes me a lot and she feels bad saying all this to me because she knows I am ready to jump in at any time and she doesn’t want to hurt me.  She would say I am everything she ever wanted in a man including the way I treat her, but she just wants to get over this stage in her life to where she’s not in a limbo all the time and she just wants to get past it.  She said she really thought she’d have trust issues after what happened with Tony, but that with me it’s different and if we were together there isn’t a doubt in her mind about trust with me.

We had these talks for a few random days over the span of a couple weeks, and then things seemingly return back to normal.  We were all over each other again and hanging out/going on dates for the next few weeks.  This brings me to early April.  She invited me to her grandmother’s birthday party at her parents house, where it was just family and their significant others.  Again, I have known all of these people my whole life so I wasn’t “meeting the family” for the first time.  At this point, the family knew we had been talking and that we liked each other, but we weren’t wanting to give the impression to anyone that we were “together”, so we weren’t really showing close affection in front of everyone.  The day was a lot of fun and we said our goodbyes and I went home in good spirits.

----

This brings me to the last chapter of the saga.  We had plans to hangout the following night, but during the day I could tell something was off and she admitted she was an emotional wreck all day and just wants to be alone and canceled on me.  This hurt me as I hate seeing in her distress and really wanted to see her, but I left it alone.  The next day we decided we needed to talk and she invited me over.

I go over there and I tell her how much fun I had at the family party and she agreed, but said it made her realize how she’s just not ready for that and that it was really hard for her.  We have a long talk and she explains how she’s constantly having conflicted feelings about us and she’s not ready to dive into this because it’s just not easy right now.  She said she wants it to be easy and just fall in love with me but she’s held back by her other emotions (she admitted she is not over Tony) and her head and heart get conflicted and it makes her want to just stop it all because it’s too much and overwhelming.  She said she doesn’t want to hurt me but if this keeps going it’s just going to get worse.  She just wanted to feel okay and she doesn’t right now.

The conclusion of the conversation was that it had to stop or she would go crazy.  I was heartbroken but there was nothing else I could do.  I made it clear how much I liked her and how much she meant to me, and that I was hopeful things would eventually work out between us and if we were ever together I would do everything it took to make her happy for the rest of her life.  She said she can’t promise anything but appreciated my sentiment.  I stayed the night and concluded the next morning by saying I hope we can still talk as friends and without the feeling of anything attached to it from my end.

This was one month ago now.  Since then, we did hangout twice (both initiated by her).  The first time just felt like a booty call and she was quite distant, which made me sad.  The second time about a week later felt slightly more intimate and more “normal”, but still not anything like it used to be.  It’s now been 2 weeks since we’ve seen each other.  I’ve let her know on 3 separate occasions I was free to meetup casually as friends, but no go on any of them.  We have texted and snapchatted a little bit about random stuff, but the vibe has definitely changed from her.  Short replies…not mean or rude, but just simple short replies like you were texting a work colleague.  Now it’s been a week without any contact.

----

I get it.  I understand that when she brokeup with Tony, she expected to be single for a long time and not know what is in store in the next chapter of her life.  But then here I show up less than a month later, and we unexpectedly begin falling in love.  It was unplanned and we have both said before that it is bad timing.  She has said many times that she knows if we ever dated that we would for sure get married. I know that can be a scary thought. It is for me too as I agree with her, but I have decided without a doubt in my mind that that’s what I want.

She’s all I can think about day and night and I can’t get her out of my head.  I want to be with her so badly and I just know we are meant to be.  I know she really did like me too and she meant everything she ever said to me.  I want to give her her space and time to be alone and I truly hope she heals mentally and emotionally, but the thought of losing her forever is absolutely devastating. The little devils in my head constantly bounce around the worst thoughts and I struggle to keep them out.  What if she is seriously considering getting back together with Tony and giving him another chance?  I know for sure that he hasn’t moved on and is still pleading to her.  What if she is or starts talking to and seeing other guys?  Then the bit about her just wanting to be alone was a lie.  She is a very attractive person and not the type that has to go seek out men.  What if her feelings for me are just fading away and she no longer feels the same way about me ever again?

At this point, I can’t imagine ever finding anyone so perfect for me or wanting to be with anyone else.  Plenty of fish in the sea, yeah yeah, but this woman checks every box of everything I ever wanted and so much more.  I have zero interest in pursuing someone else.

I talked to her brother last week about it all.  His advice was if things were meant to be then they will work out in the end.  He said he hopes we work out more than anything, but with what she said, I just need to be there for her as a friend and she will come back to me when it feels right for her.  I think that’s good advice, but I struggle with how to be her friend without overwhelming her.  How often do I text/snapchat her and not unintentionally remind her of our past feelings?  She knows how I feel about her, so that’s a hard thing to juggle, even if I have told her no strings attached.

The recent radio silence from her is eating at my soul and what’s driven me to write this post.  I am constantly checking my phone hoping to see a text or snapchat from her, even if it’s about nothing, but it’s silent. She’ll occasionally post on her snapchat or Instagram story, typically just enjoying time with her friends or family, and seems very happy.  I’m glad she is happy and hope she is healing, but I’m sitting here a mental and emotional wreck.  I just want to chat and talk to her like before, but I don’t want to be too much.  My mind always assumes the worst about what she’s doing on a daily basis in between the snippets I see of her on social media.  I think: she’s probably hanging out with and becoming close again to Tony.  She’s probably texting with another guy that is hitting on her.  She seems happy and content not talking to me, so her feelings for me have probably disappeared and I’m left here in the dark.  I realize these are all unfair and immature thoughts since I don’t actually know, but that’s where my mind goes and there’s always chance it’s true.

I’ve hesitated all my life whether I believe in the “soul mate” concept, but if it does exist, I know for a fact that we are it.  I want more than anything to make this happen, and I’m perfectly fine waiting on her and letting her be alone to heal if that’s what she truly needs to make it happen in the end.  But it’s the other “what if” scenarios that play out differently that are driving me crazy and fill my head every minute of the day.  It feels too perfect and very unlikely that in a couple months I’ll randomly get a text from her saying “I’m ready now” and then we live happily ever after.  And at this point it feels like that’s the only scenario in which it plays out in my favor, so I feel down and defeated.

If you made it through this entire post, I sincerely thank you for reading.  I appreciate any thoughts, advice or discussion.  Maybe you or someone you know has been through a similar situation, and I’d like to hear how it was handled and how it played out.  Even if not, I welcome any insight you may have on how you think I should proceed or what I can expect to happen moving forward.  What should I do, what should I not do?  As selfish as it sounds, how do I make sure to not lose her again for good and in what ideal scenario do we organically find our way back together?  Does she still love me and think about me, but isn’t talking to me in fear of falling into the same spiral as before?  Or is she perfectly content and happy not to talk to me, and has moved on, not thinking about me much anymore?

[boltnrun]

A woman who truly wants to be with you would not be spending time with her "ex". And what she's doing has nothing to do with her being a "caring person". She spends time with him because she wants to.

I would bet my paycheck she's spent nights with him and they were definitely not just hugging or watching Netflix.

It seems like him cheating on her just made her love him more. He hurt her and she wants him to "un-hurt" her. And since she has you there to make her feel better when she wasn't with him it was easy for her. But now she's leaning hard toward being with him (I am speculating but I bet I'm right), so she has to pull away from you.

I would not lurk around playing the "please pick me" game. That makes you unattractive and not at all alluring. I would go on with your life as though she isn't going to be a part of it.

Yes, it hurts. I know it does and I'm sorry about that. But she's never been over him. You seem like a decent man who any other woman would be thanking her lucky stars for. Unfortunately this woman is too tied to someone else to give you what you deserve in a love relationship.

[Lambert]

@rugmaster22

This really hurts and I'm so sorry.  You are really invested in this woman and unfortunately, she is not even considering your feelings.  

You can't see it now, but she is being very selfish (because she is hurt.  Hurt people hurt people.) but she made a big mistake getting involved with a close family friend.

I agree with everything @boltnrunadvised. The only thing you can do is do a better job of protecting yourself. Walk away. Close the door on this person. In time you may circle back, but don't count on it. 

Twice I got involved with emotionally unavailable men and both times I was gut wretched. You cannot heal another person. You cannot love for two people. You cannot love someone enough to make them forget someone else. 

Take time to heal yourself.  Stay away from this person and all your mutual connections.  Take a trip, get a new job in another town, leave! Whatever it takes to save yourself.

When you are healed, fall for a woman that is completely healed from her past, too. Enjoy your life with someone wholly committed to you.  Anything less is not only a waste of your time, but will damage you more. And you will be right back where you started. 

I'm sorry.  Been there.  It's very hard. But you must make good choices and as your brother or friend told you, what's meant to work out will work out.  You can't ruin what is meant for you, but you can push it away and prolong the distance by making bad choices.

Walk away... it's the right thing. The hard thing, but the right thing usually is.  Sorry.

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, rugmaster22 said:

I’ve hesitated all my life whether I believe in the “soul mate” concept, but if it does exist, I know for a fact that we are it.

I'm sorry OP, but you're not it.

I am going to be honest with you, because I feel honestly will do more good for you than anything else.

Ashely used you as a rebound.

Her ego was broken, she was alone, heartbroken...needed a boost with it all, and you were there.

But it was never love, at least not the way you felt it was.

For her, you are a warm security blanket, and she cares for you very much.

But she's not in love with you, the way you are in love with her.

She see's you as someone familiar, comforting, but she can also walk away from you too.

I'm sorry.

Tony on the other hand, she is obviously still very much connected to. You keep trying to make out the reason why she keeps going back to him is due to her kindness, etc...but it's because she's still in love with him and still wants to see if they can repair things.

It does not matter how kind of a heart she has, if she was truly over Tony and knew it was over, she would protect herself and stay away from him.

It's not over for either one of them.

But she feels conflicted because she knows she does have a good connection with you on many different things, and she did turn to you in her time of need, but it's not over the top crazy in love, wanting-to-marry-you, kind of love.

I know that's hard to hear, but it's something you need to accept in order to let this go.

Ashely is your ideal, but you are not hers.

If you were, she wouldn't keep running back to Tony or changing her mind about you.

Please see this for how it is, and not how you want it to be.

You need to protect your own heart and start seeing the truth.

 

[rugmaster22]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and reply. 

What you all have said is brutal, but honesty is what I came looking for and need.  An outsider's perspective is crucial for me to see through the wool over my eyes.  It's now much clearer to me that she is not over Tony, and there's nothing I can or should do about it.

The only justification I can come up with, is following the breakup, she fully expected to be alone for awhile and work through this on her own terms.  But I quickly came along adding a whole extra level, making things even more confusing and worse.  She now needs me out of the equation to have the time alone she originally thought she'd have. If she has that, then she might be able figure things out.  And just maybe, if I'm lucky, she will come to terms with him where they mutually decide to part ways for good.  But that's just more wishful thinking which as you've pointed out I have to put a stop to.

I truly appreciate all of your insight.  It hurts deeply.  It's not what I want to hear.  But it's what I need to hear and I thank you for that.  I'm fully aware that the way I've been handling this is very unhealthy for me, and I need to make a change.  It's not easy.  It won't be easy.  But I have to make a change within myself and move forward.

[SherrySher]

12 minutes ago, rugmaster22 said:

Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and reply. 

What you all have said is brutal, but honesty is what I came looking for and need.  An outsider's perspective is crucial for me to see through the wool over my eyes.  It's now much clearer to me that she is not over Tony, and there's nothing I can or should do about it.

The only justification I can come up with, is following the breakup, she fully expected to be alone for awhile and work through this on her own terms.  But I quickly came along adding a whole extra level, making things even more confusing and worse.  She now needs me out of the equation to have the time alone she originally thought she'd have. If she has that, then she might be able figure things out.  And just maybe, if I'm lucky, she will come to terms with him where they mutually decide to part ways for good.  But that's just more wishful thinking which as you've pointed out I have to put a stop to.

I truly appreciate all of your insight.  It hurts deeply.  It's not what I want to hear.  But it's what I need to hear and I thank you for that.  I'm fully aware that the way I've been handling this is very unhealthy for me, and I need to make a change.  It's not easy.  It won't be easy.  But I have to make a change within myself and move forward.

We have all had at least one person in our life that we desperately wanted to be "the one".

It's heart breaking, for sure.

I think the worst part of it, is fighting with your own brain. One side is logic and tells you that this is not your person, the other side (emotional side), tries to find every single bit of evidence to prove that they really are your person.

It be very draining to go back and forth in your own head.

But please, listen to us who can see this clearly, without emotions getting in the way...she's not the one.

The woman who will love you more than anyone else, and who will want to spend the rest of her life with you, won't ever be confused, or distracted by another man.

She will only ever see you and only ever want you.

I can hear how much you want Ashely to be that person, but if her heart was truly yours, Tony wouldn't matter.

But she keeps returning to him over and over again.

You have all the evidence you need to know that this isn't the girl for you.

And as difficult as it will be, you are going to have to let go, so you won't keep getting treated so poorly.

Her turning away from you, being confused by you, running to someone else, making excuses as to why it's not working, changing her mind constantly: These are all huge signs that she is not feeling the same way you are.

Start to let go.

Someone out there is the one meant for you, but you need to close this door first and realize it was a mistake.

[MissCanuck]

36 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Someone out there is the one meant for you, but you need to close this door first and realize it was a mistake.

I agree.

She isn't your soulmate, OP. She's someone you've been friends with, and hooked up with, but her feelings aren't the same as yours. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, rugmaster22 said:

I'm fully aware that the way I've been handling this is very unhealthy for me, and I need to make a change.  It's not easy.  It won't be easy.  But I have to make a change within myself and move forward.

That's the smart thing to do. Stay focused on your own life and slowly distance yourself. Staying in close contact with her and her family isn't a good idea. 

Once you start to feel a little better, start meeting new people. 

[Wiseman2]

Do you think she was cheating on "Tony" with you? 

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. 

Don't try to stay friends with her. I disagree with her brothers (your friends) that you should hang around orbiting in the friendzone and be supportive of her.

[Kwothe28]

Sounds like she knew exactly what she was doing. And that is making Tony suffer. Until he begs enough and she gets back to him. Because that sudden invitation to Vegas and even telling him you are there, smells exactly on that. I know its hard to understand OP, especially since you are in love. But from what you told, she isnt some sweet girl. She is a very calculated one. By the sound of things, she is already back to him.

I am sorry OP, but you were just the pawn there. Its never good to be a "3rd wheel" because they are usually left on the side. And you were used in their twisted game because she knew you like her from the start. People rarely understand "toxic dynamics" between partners because its not something normal for us. But cheating someone back, as well as cheating then begging and getting back together in the name of some kind of "big love", are a part of that dynamic. You were just caught up in their game.

And you should get away from all of that and never look back. Sorry it happened, I know its hard.

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, rugmaster22 said:

I get it.  I understand that when she brokeup with Tony, she expected to be single for a long time and not know what is in store in the next chapter of her life.  But then here I show up less than a month later, and we unexpectedly begin falling in love.  It was unplanned and we have both said before that it is bad timing. 

Well, you didn't just "show up." She invited you to Vegas one day. You told yourself it was random and "not weird" but you probably should have thought about the circumstances some more. She'd just broken up with Tony. It was probably Tony who was supposed to be on the trip with them. In your excitement, you didn't question the circumstances or the timing--Oof!!

Next time, I bet you will! 

It's unfortunate what happened, and I'm sorry you're in pain. I think both of you got carried away by emotion--her by the pain of her break up and you by your feelings for her. It's a classic rebound situation. Just with friends.

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

And you were used in their twisted game because she knew you like her from the start.

Your rose-colored glasses are giving you a huge optical illusion. You come up with faulty excuses to fit the narrative of how you want things to be, because your heart is overriding your brain.

A caring person soothing a cheating ex? She could have blocked him. That'd be the caring thing to do for herself and the ethically appropriate thing to do if she's dating someone else.

But then again you say you two weren't dating, though you were intimate and spoke of future plans.

And if she really cared about you, she'd think, "Oh, I was stupid and was actually using him to boost my ego after I was cheated on. But now that I see how much he's into me, I will free him by going no contact so he's not in an emotionally upsetting limbo."

Sorry to burst your bubble, but people aren't always as kind as you are. And even though you thought you knew her inside and out after all these years, you never really did until the times got rough. And even when you see how she has behaved, you're still seeing her as a poor, damaged waif who's tossed around by a hurricane, and will hopefully soon land on her feet and see that you're 'the one.'

Once you've crossed the line of moving from friendship to intimacy, you can't go back to being friends again. This will prevent you from bonding with a new love, and will drive away any potential dating partners away when they find out who you're communicating with. 

Therefore my advice is to go no contact, and join some meet up.com groups for singles in your age group. Other ways to meet women are to volunteer at places like a zoo, a park, a museum, environmental cleanup groups. Take dancing lessons like in Tango or Swing or Salsa. Take care.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others and wanted to add all her comments about how you would make such a great husband and father -it is part of her settling for you - trying to convince herself that because you are Mr. Right on Paper that that is what she's supposed to do whether or not her heart is in it.  Her heart -and other body parts -are still caught up in chasing Tony who obviously is not husband material -at least not for her.

[reinventmyself]

In my opinion, break ups and detaching are a long process.  They aren't cut and dry.  Though Tony cheated on her and it's for most it's impossible to come back from, break ups are still a process of a good deal of back and forth. Often times the victim runs back hoping all the promises and apologies are enough only to find out they aren't. This takes time.  Your presence likely made this process longer than necessary, but it still needed to happen.   It appeared she was often times conflicted and distracted.  After they get done processing everything, I also don't believe they would reconcile.

Sorry you were caught in the middle of it, even though you were able to articulate you half expected it this the entire time.   I admire the way you handled this. 

At this point I think the best you can do is distance yourself.  There is no motivation to return to you if you are willing to be available at a reduced capacity.  We often lose a little respect for someone who is willing to be demoted to a friend in hopes to regain something more.  It (often) doesn't work that way.

You've been a good friend and better boyfriend. Being her safety blanket and therapist while she recovers from being cheated on is something a good friend does.  A boyfriend however believes he deserves a womans undivided attention and dedication.  You reminded her repeatedly you were willing to expect less.  You selflessly placed yourself in the position of the limbo or the transition guy.  The fact that she is willing to lose you show's where you stand with her.   

Don't be so available, move forward with your life.  Don't count on it, but there is a remote chance she could recognize what she's lost.  But it won't happen as long as you are so available. 

People appreciate and respect things they have to earn and not so much things that are easily handed to them.

[rugmaster22]

Wow, thank you all for such the insightful comments. I did not know what to expect when joining and posting to your forum, and I am grateful for the advice.

I feel used and stupid.  Throughout the whole thing, I did not want to believe I was just a rebound, being used by her to deal with a breakup.  I was delusional with my judgement being clouded by love.  I think the fact that this was the first woman in a very long time that I actually felt very strongly for and they seemingly reciprocated that back, greatly added to my illusion.

One thing that I really needed to hear and has been made abundantly clear to me, is that I should not be contacting her at this time.  You've saved me from sending some really bad-idea texts out of desperation.  If she ever does come back to me, it will not be because I've been hanging around and nagging her, making myself available all the time. And if by chance she does try to come back, I need to proceed with caution and really figure out her true intentions.  I will not allow myself to be used as a pawn again.

You have given me a lot to digest, and I will be rereading your comments many times to help me move forward.

[Rose Mosse]

I believe in a degree of agency in everything so resist the urge feeling used or duped. I didn't get that impression when I read your first post.

You both were long time friends and her family likely had a hand to play in putting that idea in her head that both of you might be a nice looking couple. Her ex was insecure about your friendship also so it's not unlikely that she didn't think of you in a non-platonic way. It must have crossed her mind while she was in a relationship. You went on the Vegas trip fully knowing she had already broken up with her ex so no one was using anyone else. Could you have held back a little more? Sure. Been a little more conservative and waited it out or been a friend? Probably. But you didn't. I think it was right time, right place and you both were intimate. 

What I would do is look at this a little more positively and cherish the memories, don't hold any grudges for what happened or internalize feelings of insecurity, feeling used or like someone took advantage of you. Keep distancing yourself from her and her family and give yourself room to move on.

[boltnrun]

One more thing, please do not seek advice from or discuss her with her family. For one thing, they will most definitely tell her anything you say. And another thing, it will appear you're trying to back door your way back into her life by using her family as a PR agency. It's a bad look.

[SooSad33]

19 hours ago, rugmaster22 said:

we did hangout twice (both initiated by her).  The first time just felt like a booty call and she was quite distant, which made me sad.  The second time about a week later felt slightly more intimate and more “normal”, but still not anything like it used to be.  It’s now been 2 weeks since we’ve seen each other.  I’ve let her know on 3 separate occasions I was free to meetup casually as friends, but no go on any of them.  We have texted and snapchatted a little bit about random stuff, but the vibe has definitely changed from her.  Short replies…not mean or rude, but just simple short replies like you were texting a work colleague.  Now it’s been a week without any contact.

Okay, now leave it at that.

She was not over him at all - like you said, you popping up within a month of them splitting up.

Sounds like they needed some sort of discussion now & then?  But, sadly, is sounds like she does need to stop all interactions - with both of you!

She needs to be done- totally with him!  She needs to realize she's just dragging this on & on. ( because inside,  she already knows she cannot trust him again).

So, she needs some real 'down time' to work on herself.  I say at least a good year, on her own.  No men at all in her life ( and no, I can't see her dating anyone, for a good while).

As for you, respectfully back off and let her deal with all of this, her emotions etc. And she is in no way ready to date again ( sadly, I say you were a rebound - and yah, they hurt! 😕 ).

Where you are in your life & where she is , is 2 different places.  You were 'ready' to go there.. she is not.

Sorry you've had to experience this, but also see this as a learning experience.. Never get involved with someone newly out of a break up.

People in that state need time to process everything, work on accepting and healing. ( they don't have anything to 'give').

 

 

[boltnrun]

I actually don't believe she's trying to "get over" Tony. I think she's still in love with him and wants to reconcile. And maybe her family is giving her a hard time about it, pushing her toward you because they know "Tony" is a cheater. But as that (inaccurate) saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. Judging by how she was spending time with him, she seems to want to be with him.

You seem like a great guy. Someday a wonderful woman will come along and make you realize this woman isn't your "soul mate" after all.

[SherrySher]

50 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You seem like a great guy. Someday a wonderful woman will come along and make you realize this woman isn't your "soul mate" after all.

Absolutely!! ❤️

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I actually don't believe she's trying to "get over" Tony. I think she's still in love with him and wants to reconcile. And maybe her family is giving her a hard time about it, pushing her toward you because they know "Tony" is a cheater.

I totally agree. 

She was very hurt by him, but I also think she wants to give him another chance. OP, it would not surprise me if you soon hear hrough the grapevine that they're "working it out" or something. She is far from done with him, even if she knows it's a bad idea. 

It would be best to stop all contact with her completely, and distance yourself from her family. They aren't steering the ship here and are giving you bad advice (though I don't doubt they have good intentions) She needs to make these choices for herself without influence from anyone else. 

[rugmaster22]

Thank you all.  You've given me a lot to think about and I am listening to everything you're saying.

I do want to say one thing though regarding her family.  I will not be cutting her brothers out of my life too.  When I say we are best friends, I mean ride or die, lifelong best friends that have been through thick and thin together.  They know personal things about me that nobody else does, even my own family.  I will not willingly let this situation with Ashley cause me to lose them too. But, I do understand your point of not discussing her with them. We are mature and respectful enough of each other that if they ask about it and I say I don't want to talk about it, they will gladly respect that and leave it alone.

I also want to give a heartfelt thank you for all the kind words about me personally.  I feel like I'm a decent guy, and to be told that repeatedly from strangers on the internet is comforting in my current state.  I didn't post here to be praised or boost my ego, but it's at least reassuring to know I haven't come across as a complete crazy lunatic.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, rugmaster22 said:

do want to say one thing though regarding her family.  I will not be cutting her brothers out of my life too. 

I agree and I am sure Ashley knows this.  I dated my friend's brother years ago - and stayed in touch with my friend and we tried our very best never to mention the brother -if it came up my friend would mention in total passing because it was contextual like my ex's kids were at a family gathering. That's how it worked best- never to mention/discuss.

[redsox22]

I can offer a different perspective here.  I was in Ashley' shoes years ago. I was dating someone who was not a great fit for me but breaking up took some time for both of us. We had too many up and downs to make it work long term but there were a lot of strong feelings there that made it hard to let go.  After we broke up I started dating someone else for a few month but realized that I was not in the right headspace to do so and we broke up. I really liked this new guy and since my break up with the other guy was so long in the making I felt I was ready to date. I was wrong.   We went our separate ways.  Over the next year he reached out a few times casually just saying hi.  At about the one year mark I felt I was truly ready to date again and I reached out to him and asked him out.  He was living his life, had dated some in that year but was not actively dating anyone and he said yes.  We started dating and never looked back. We got engaged about 2 years later and married a year after that.    When we parted ways a few months after dating the first time it was not for compatibility reasons.  We were very compatible. I was just not ready.  It was wrong of me to date so soon and I needed more time.  I risked losing him (so thankful I didn't), but it was the wrong timing for us the first time around.  

Who knows what the future hold for you both.  She is telling you that she needs time. I would give it to her. I don't know if I would have felt the same way about my now husband if he had reached out all the time or tried to convince me to date him during that year apart. I wasn't ready. I respect him a lot for letting me go and take the time I needed, without any expectation that I would return.   Live your life and once she has time to get over Tony she may be in the right headspace to date. I would't rule out her coming back around to dating you.  But I also wouldn't put your life on hold waiting.  

 

 

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

Stay grounded and keep your friendships but practice some discretion also regarding your love/personal life. There's no need to discuss that with her brothers or family. It's good of you to see that your friendship with them is not dependent on what goes on with her.

You'll want closure most likely and that comes from yourself, being willing to walk away and close this chapter instead of leaving that door open and letting time slip past you.