Mixed signals - advice needed

[Jijiken]

It's my first time posting something like this but I feel like I need some advice. 

He and I just both got out of long term relationships recently and we met during a work event about 2 months ago. We hit it off right away and get along really well. We have a lot in common and are very compatible (both physically and emotionally) and we have both admitted that we like eachother. We text everyday and when we are together we always hold hands, kiss, etc and he always says how much he misses me. We have been on a few dates and he mentioned there's many places he wants to take me still - plus neither of us are seeing other people at the moment. He always gives me compliments and I've met his mom and some of his friends (he's not shy about holding my hand or cuddling around our mutual friends either).  When I saw him two days ago he said he can't believe how lucky he is to have me and he can't believe he got me - but then he brought up that he's not ready for a relationship and that at some point this will have to end when we are both ready to start dating because he doesn't want to risk the friendship we have between us and our mutual friends. It's making me a bit confused because majority of his actions point towards him being interested in me but then he says this? I'm not sure what to think or if I'm wasting my time. 

 

Part of me thinks that he is not over his ex as she texts and calls him often (despite her being in a new relationship). He does tend to ignore her when she texts him and we are together, but I feel like maybe that's the reason? 

 

Any advice is appreciated!! I haven't been in a situation like this before so I'm not sure what to do. 

[MissCanuck]

Yes, it sounds like he is rebounding with you. 

Whatever the reason, you need to believe him when he says this:

4 hours ago, Jijiken said:

at some point this will have to end when we are both ready to start dating

He was honest that he doesn't see this as dating, and indirectly let you know that he doesn't see himself dating you. He is having fun with you for now and it feels good to have someone around for the affection and attention, but it's not going to last. In other words, you're the filler while he heals from his ex and gets ready to meet other women. 

I personally would bow out right here. You're going to wind up hurt otherwise. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Jijiken said:

 he's not ready for a relationship and that at some point this will have to end. 

 his ex as she texts and calls him often.

Sorry this is happening. Yes, you're wasting your time. He's full of "maybe someday we'll..."  BS .

What he's telling you is you would be ok for a roll in the hay, but he's still on/off with his GF.

He's rather rude to tell you you're nothing more than cheap filler until he finds something else.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. He's bad news.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, Jijiken said:

He and I just both got out of long term relationships recently

As soon as I read this, I knew bad news was coming.

He seems definitely not over his ex, and you might be both rebounding. He's right about ending this to give himself space to fully heal. OP maybe you should too.

Just appreciate that he was honest and shared his true intention. And then distance yourself/limit contact. You're bound to get hurt otherwise. I'm sorry it's going like this.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Jijiken said:

e said he can't believe how lucky he is to have me and he can't believe he got me - but then he brought up that he's not ready for a relationship and that at some point this will have to end when we are both ready to start dating because he doesn't want to risk the friendship we have between us and our mutual friends

I always say watch the actions -with one exception -if someone tells you up front he is not available for a relationship (with you -add that on -assume it) then believe that over the actions.  He's having a blast playing at being a couple with you - but he's covered his behind by telling you up front he is happy to play at being a couple -but there's no meaning to it as far as wanting something potentially serious with you -he wants to be your friend apparently -grow the friendship -perhaps have sex with you if it's convenient, have you be his plus one at a family wedding -but he's going to be open to meeting women who he feels he might want to be more than just his plus one or someone to hang out and hook up with and say how "lucky" he is - you're not that woman. 

You might be in the future - and if he calls you in the future and says he made a mistake -you are his potentially serious relationship -then consider it at that point.  Not now.  If it's fun for you to play at being a couple -and if you get pregnant -play at being co-parents too -go for it.  My heart and stomach wouldn't be able to take it.  What about you?

[Kwothe28]

Not that confusiong, OP. He is hoping to get back with his ex. Everything else in between, how he plays relationship with you, how he tells you nice things, it doesnt really matter. I can see how it is confusing to you. Being that he acts like you are in a relationship. But it doesnt matter that he calls you every day when he straight up said to you that you are just somebody until he finds somebody new. In his case, probably his ex taking him back. 

End that before you get hurt more. He doesnt see you as a relationship material. He sees you as a surrogate relationship and just to have somebody there until the real thing. You should value yourself more than that. And you shouldnt be just a passing station to somebody who doesnt think of you enough to be in a real relationship.

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, Jijiken said:

Any advice is appreciated!! I haven't been in a situation like this before so I'm not sure what to do. 

I get the impression that you are looking for a serious relationship.

If that's the case, I think you should start backing away from this arrangement.

He has made it clear that this arrangement is a temporary placeholder for him.

[Lambert]

I am sorry OP, dump this guy.  He told you flat out-- he is using you until he is healed enough to date someone else.

He is not your friend.  Friends don't use people.  Friends recognize they don't have any thing to offer and don't jerk a person around. 

You have every right to be mad at him for leading you on and then dropping that bomb on you.  You deserve so much better.  Choose you!!  Forget him.

[Jijiken]

Thanks everyone for the advice :) I feel like I have a lot more clarity now about the situation. I'm going to start distancing myself from him and keep things cordial, but I do see he's wasting my time. Thanks again!

[spinstermanquee]

On 5/1/2022 at 4:10 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Yes, you're wasting your time. He's full of "maybe someday we'll..."  BS .

What he's telling you is you would be ok for a roll in the hay, but he's still on/off with his GF.

He's rather rude to tell you you're nothing more than cheap filler until he finds something else.

Ohhhh Jijiken, my dear, so sorry you are going through this.  I recently fell (emotional) prey to a "someday we'll" or "let's go ____" guy (I call it "futurebuilding") and he went up in a puff of smoke, as they are wont to do.  Other people sometimes do that, but please remember it says more about them than it does about YOU.  Keep your high values and do not fall for (as WM2 says above) a man like that might dip his wick but never commit.  You are correct Jijiken, a waster of your valuable time.

Keep your head high and do not compromise on your values!  You are on the right path dear.  W