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Please... Soliciting Tips from Older Females on Male Female Relations in Advanced Age


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K so I am approaching 60, newly single and totes not up to date on relations.

What is the current protocol?  Do you go get tested before the intimacy?  Please give suggestions.

I've noticed that post onanism I am ready for intimacy, but how do I suggest the guy satisfy me first so we don't have to rely on artificial lubrication?

Signed, dried up old lady who could use some tips 😉

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Are you talking about for casual sex or in the context of a committed relationship where you've been dating a couple of months? I was 39 the last time I was in this situation.  We each got tested first. Even though we'd dated in the past, etc.  We waited about 3 months before having sex.  Also to wait to take accurate STD tests.  Talk to your doctor/health care provider as far as what tests or google it etc.  There is no protocol -it's what works for you but health wise I'd get tested and ask him to as well.

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The whole pretest thing ends up being a good thing for a variety of reasons.  Of course, the peace of mind having an all clear sign. It puts you both in a position to have a sensitive conversation with a potential partner that in turn creates some intimacy. 

You get to gage their reaction and sum up their intention about whether they are patient and willing to wait for results.  In the meantime it buys you both time to get to know each other outside of the bedroom.

You have some lube in your drawer and pull it out when the moment happens.  He'll be happy you did as well.

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Darling SM, you know what happens to the best laid plans don't you?

How about just coming up with a bunch of options, work some of those out ahead of time to whatever degree you can, such as getting your own run of tests with your next physical--as you don't exactly need to do those with someone, like a really lousy date.

You can choose some forms of protection to keep on hand. And speaking of hands... you can always use those or any other parts of the body for as long as you wish.

Chances are, if you're with the right person at the right time, you won't need to overthink, and your self consciousness is likely to fly out the window.

Joy!

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I'm not "older" per se, I'm 37. So hope you don't mind my advice lol I think age shouldn't really matter though in how you approach safe sex in dating. I think it is probably a good idea if you want to get tested and you could ask them if they have been too. You should use condoms unless you've been with the person for a while and you know they've been tested. 

In regards to your other question, I think doing a lot of foreplay first is always a good idea, no matter how old you are. And good communication is key so just say what you're thinking.

Good luck!

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On 4/26/2022 at 5:16 PM, boltnrun said:

I just figure, am I willing to die  just to have sex with a man? And if I'm comfortable enough with taking my clothes off and allowing a man to be inside my body, why can't I have a conversation with him about sexual safety?

Any man who would have a problem with protecting himself AND me doesn't get access. Period.

You haven’t had the right kind of mind blowing sex yet Bolt… the French call an orgasm, “la petite mort”… the little death 

 

😉

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Spinster, I am 32 🥲 I would like to consider myself still kiiinda young…. Ish. Ish. 🤣

 

Can I add my two pennies?

 

If you meet the right guy, and you seriously click, all this stuff is very easy and almost unspoken. He will be attentive and patient with you in bed and out, because he’s the right kinda guy. I think you only need to have concerns about stuff like this if the guy is wrong for you - inconsiderate, selfish, rough. Don’t be afraid to speak up in bed. Or, I never technically speak up, just physically change the situation to more your liking, y’know what I mean? Show him? 🥲

 

There is nothing more off putting, and un-sexy, than a verbal instruction manual in the sack.

 

I’m a self proclaimed saucy minx! I was a stripper and exotic dancer and lapdancer from the age of 19 to 22. Men are simple. Women, it’s more like looking at the cockpit of an aeroplane and you have to press the right buttons before you plummet to a crash land - LOL!

 

I have also slept with women before. Very different experiences. Women enjoy the tease and the intimacy and then, depending on how they are, yes, some like it rough, some want it slow, y’know, you’re old enough you get the drift!

 

I would actually recommend, as maybe, embarrassing as this sounds - if you have been out of the sexual loop for awhile, indulging in a really cheeky sex toy and just, ahem, working on yourself, and you will gain new knowledge and know more about what you like and how to get to the end 😉 It can also make you feel more confident, and physically, as an older woman and, women are different, if not active and used your vagina does change and technically close up a little. This is after along time but… you can look this stuff up. 
 

I feel so out there saying all this. I am getting feelings of the sex talk my Dad tried to spring on me and my sister 🤣

 

I have been in every sexual situation maybe most people could think of… nearly. I am, quite out there! Or, was. I did all this with my husband. We are a debauched team 🥲 Anyway, swinging and what not aside, being good in bed is no magic trick. Being good in bed just means, absolutely loving sex and having a gorgeous time. It‘a not about pulling stunts and tricks. I know most women don’t want this from their man either, and most men don’t need this from a woman.

 

If you know what you like, you are already there. If you are with someone you adore and respect, and they adore and respect you? You are already there. Key too all this, all sexual situations, is to be relaxed. Being relaxed and feeling comfortable to let go is the key to any great sex. Finding the right guy will allow that. The rest will fall into place, I almost guarantee.

 

Okay, la sex guru,

 

Your Lo 🤣🤣🤣

 

x

Edited by mylolita
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1 hour ago, mylolita said:

You haven’t had the right kind of mind blowing sex yet Bolt… the French call an orgasm, “la petite mort”… the little death 

 

😉

That's not true. Not sure where you got that assumption from. I presume you're just being "cheeky"?

Doesn't matter though, I don't think "mind blowing sex" is worth dying of AIDS or getting a lifelong incurable STD.

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To me personally being good in bed required -for me -to be in a committed exclusive relationship, in love and with serious potential for marriage.  Best experiences I ever had before marriage was when we were engaged because added to all what I wrote was knowing we'd made it even more "official".  The STD conversations were much easier when I was with someone where we knew each other well, were already committed and in love.  I only had one partner where we were not in love (I was feeling that way though) and where having sex was tied to being exclusive.  I was very attracted to him sexually and in every way.  He was experienced and "good in bed" and because for me that emotional component and security missing it wasn't a great experience.

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In case you're not aware, using estradiol vaginal cream (hormone estrogen) a few times a week on days you're NOT intimate (not edible), helps somewhat with dryness. You can speak to the gynecologist about a prescription. 

Does not have the higher risk of cancer that pills or patches in hormone therapy do. The estrogen in vaginal cream stays in the vaginal tissue and doesn't enter the blood stream like pills or patches.

Good luck!

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Let me just shake it up on timid ENA this British early evening… 🥲

 

Spinster, this might not be your scene personally at all. And I would completely get that and respect that. Just wanted to come at this from another angle that might not be mentioned!

 

So, sometimes, people coming out of long term relationships, long term marriages, have sometimes been in sexual stale mate for many years, and when they break free, they get this whole new lease of life and energy and almost feel young again! And very alive! And even experimental! Ready to discover and feel like a new version of yourself! I know this isn’t the case with everyone - it just reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine who, has been divorced many years (her divorce was 2002) but, when she left that marriage she just felt like she needed release!

 

Anyway, I say from experience, as a wild card option. I don’t know how open you are or liberal in this department.

 

But for years, me and my husband would go to private members clubs. Or, private sex parties. Whatever you want to call them. You would pay, be vetted, and every other month a luxury location would be revealed last minute and you would go and leave your phone at the concierge and in your would go! And it was always a mix of amazingly free people. All mostly professionals. Not that it mattered to me but, it was very put together. Just CEO’s and people who ran companies and people who managed people and had invented something and this and that - and the majority of these people were with their wives, or husbands. It’s mind blowing for some, I get that, but you have never seen couples more in love and just in complete delight to be with one and other.

 

There was such a thing at these private members clubs as “single females” and “single males” - there’s a whole etiquette at these places. No one can approach you if you are alone. You have to do the approaching. That way, no one bothers or pesters you. There was none of that anyway. But the crowd there was always much older. I was actually the first and youngest person ever to be allowed in that particular club - I was 19 at the time and you had to be strictly over 25. I think it was to avoid immaturity. Anyway, so many beautiful and older women would turn up alone at the bar and end up having the night of their lives!

 

I often would go with my husband and sometimes we would just talk and smooch together, sometimes I would just sit at the bar in a revealing dress. Sometimes we would do things with others. Sometimes just check out everyone in their masks and gowns from a balcony! Sometimes we spent the whole night in a jacuzzi! 
 

I met some of the most fascinating and open and inclusive people there I have ever met. I still keep in touch with some of them too this day. It was a very safe, very respectable, naughty, glamorous place to be open sexually, if you wanted too be. If you didn’t; that was cool as well. They always had an act on at 9pm. Burlesque, something like that. And then they had waiters with little nibbles coming around in the main area where everyone just lounged or got a drink at the bar.

 

Just a suggestion. I don’t know how crazy you are feeling after your divorce 🤣

 

After having the kids we never went back. We would love to revisit that lifestyle once the kids are up and away. Maybe I could be that 45 year old woman in the dark red dress I used to see slinking around! Who knows. I was by far the youngest there always. Someone older wouldn’t be at odds somewhere like that at all.

 

x

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

That's not true. Not sure where you got that assumption from. I presume you're just being "cheeky"?

Doesn't matter though, I don't think "mind blowing sex" is worth dying of AIDS or getting a lifelong incurable STD.

It’s a joke Bolt! Oh dear! 
 

Is the knitting circle out again? 🥳

 

Maybe it is because I am quarter French… my little Parisian heart will flutter! There are many things that can only be said in French… de ja vu… je ne sais quoi…

 

…Passion ou rien!

 

x

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3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Anyway, I say from experience, as a wild card option. I don’t know how open you are or liberal in this department.

I've never presumed that someone who likes casual sex and having multiple partners is liberal or open sexually.  I met men who were promiscuous and actually seemed pretty closed off - closed off to the intimacy of being with one person (not just sexually).  And often not "free" because they restricted themselves from getting too close, they'd have sex with strangers rather than risk getting to know someone and having an emotional connection to someone they knew as opposed to just a sexual connection or arrangement.  Doesn't sound free. For some of my friends it sounded really sad. 

Friends who claimed to be "free" and have "fun" getting drunk and having a ONS and then being mad at the guy for also only wanting a ONS and not calling them.  Some people just enjoy having intercourse with strangers-doesn't mean they're more open people or liberal. 

I was curious about casual sex in my teens and early 20s but never tried it and I'm so thankful I didn't.  I felt very open sexually in the context of a loving, committed relationship.  Being selective prevented me from feeling jaded or cynical about men like a number of my women friends ended up feeling.   

After my early 20s I had little desire for casual sex and it basically was something that repulsed me or at least I felt neutral about it.  I did date a few guys who had had multiple partners and multiple casual partners.  Mostly I preferred to date men who weren't into that or if they'd had a number of partners it was back in college.  I don't think having multiple partners makes someone better in bed- in fact can have the opposite effect.

  I'm puzzled as to why there is this typical refrain of how people who have multiple sex partners are more "open" sexually than someone who chooses not to.  I'm 55, married over 10 years, and when I'd end a long term relationship I had no desire to go out and have casual sex.  

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18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I've never presumed that someone who likes casual sex and having multiple partners is liberal or open sexually.  I met men who were promiscuous and actually seemed pretty closed off - closed off to the intimacy of being with one person (not just sexually).  And often not "free" because they restricted themselves from getting too close, they'd have sex with strangers rather than risk getting to know someone and having an emotional connection to someone they knew as opposed to just a sexual connection or arrangement.  Doesn't sound free. For some of my friends it sounded really sad. 

Friends who claimed to be "free" and have "fun" getting drunk and having a ONS and then being mad at the guy for also only wanting a ONS and not calling them.  Some people just enjoy having intercourse with strangers-doesn't mean they're more open people or liberal. 

I was curious about casual sex in my teens and early 20s but never tried it and I'm so thankful I didn't.  I felt very open sexually in the context of a loving, committed relationship.  Being selective prevented me from feeling jaded or cynical about men like a number of my women friends ended up feeling.   

After my early 20s I had little desire for casual sex and it basically was something that repulsed me or at least I felt neutral about it.  I did date a few guys who had had multiple partners and multiple casual partners.  Mostly I preferred to date men who weren't into that or if they'd had a number of partners it was back in college.  I don't think having multiple partners makes someone better in bed- in fact can have the opposite effect.

  I'm puzzled as to why there is this typical refrain of how people who have multiple sex partners are more "open" sexually than someone who chooses not to.  I'm 55, married over 10 years, and when I'd end a long term relationship I had no desire to go out and have casual sex.  

Strange you should say this Batya!
 

I was a virgin until I was 18, never even kissed a guy until I met my husband at 18. Only ever been with him fully. For a few years as a married couple we went to private members clubs because we are liberal sexually and kind of, indulged together.

 

It’s hard to explain if you are quite straight forward. This was a two year period in my life, with my husband, as was my lap dancing, I did this whilst engaged too him. Most people can’t wrap their head around that one also I am sure! 
 

Over a decade has passed and we have never dabbled or been unfaithful. 
 

You won’t believe, who goes to these types of clubs. The owner of where you work might be there with his wife every other weekend. If you are creative in your mind, you are often quite creative in your fantasies, and sex life also, I have found, as a rule of thumb.

 

Only ever been with my husband fully! Had a dalliance with three other guys, slept with 5 other women in that time frame, that’s it. But, some of those sexual encounters have been in maybe quite “out there” fetish or kinky scenarios. Probably very average numbers though, for a womans lifetime, did it all whilst married. LOL! Yup, all whilst married! 
 

And still happily married after 14 years! 
 

I can give or take it. I don’t need to have wild group sex. I could be with him and him only for the next 70 years it wouldn’t bother me a jot. But we did it as a team, it was a fantasy shared by both of us.

 

I know I know… so many people won’t be able to get their heads round that or just think that can’t work or something like that! 
 

I believe there are lots of different types of sex. Fun sex, kinky sex, passionate sex, wild sex, romantic sex, loving sex, even emotional and deep sex. Depends what mood you are in. Or, how many moods you have. You might just have the one mood 😉 I happen to have - plenty! 🥲

 

You just don’t know what goes on behind closed doors! The most square people with the most normal professional jobs were there - most people have sexual fantasies, it’s just that these people in this club were living them out, with their partners, for real!

 

I mentioned this because quite a few single women would be there. It was mostly couples but there would be a vast age range of a few single women. Most of them were at an experimental point in their life. 
 

I also have nothing against anyone who indulges in casual sex, not at all. If it’s not harming you and you enjoy it, power too you! And I also have nothing against “vanilla” couples who, have sex once every two weeks or something like that. 
 

I mean I just am I guess quite a sensual kinda gal! I adore, I mean ADORE lingerie. It’s something I really do splurge on. I wear it often for myself and my husband. Love it! Love outrageously high heels. All of that. Love feeling like a woman and, we all have different needs and different levels of sex drive as well. Some people can be single for years and not bother with it, other people would be climbing the walls after a week without.

 

You really can’t tell! I always think, watch out for the quiet ones!!!

 

All I will say is, if I get to be an old lady rocking in my chair, I won’t be able to say I lived your normal life 🥲 I think I will have a little giggle to myself about it too 🤣

 

People have vastly different sexual appetites, it really is so varied. So much of this stuff is quite private and secretive. No one in my real circle knows I ever went to large country houses and drive up candle lit drives to a kinky masked ball holding my husbands hand the whole way. HA! A few people know I was a stripper when I was younger. Apart from that, mostly in your life, you would probably never know if someone else was like me or my husband. 
 

I actually have an outrageous story of, I was working for a company once and I saw, half naked, one of the co owners at one of these parties. I will tell you one thing, the yearly visit to our office, we never looked at each other the same way again!! 
 

We all approach sex differently. I don’t think there is any wrong or right way as long as you are happy and no one is getting hurt. You only live once. You have to enjoy yourself, be happy, and let go once in awhile! Do your own thing, in life, in and out of the sheets! 

 

x

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Just to also note, I suppose some people are more sexually adventurous than others?

 

It doesn’t make it a bad thing at all.


Some people have fetishes. Some people have kinks. Everyone told me your honeymoon period only lasts a year. Well! 14 years in and we can’t keep our hands off each other still! We often say to each other our honeymoon never ended. In that respect, we are doing something right for us as a couple. My husband would have me in bed all day if I let him! And we‘re not kids anymore, he’s 42, I’m 32.

 

When we used to go abroad, we would often stay at secluded beaches and coves. Always other people there but the locals were often totally nude. I used to sunbathe and swim in the sea nude also. I just was so comfortable and not bothered. 
 

If you have never swam totally naked in a warm sea somewhere exotic.. sorry to off track but I would TOTALLY recommend! 
 

Anyway 🤣 That and our large collection of classic nude oil paintings around the house I think it is safe to say, I am easy going and not easily shocked when it comes to sex 🤣

 

Spinster - I just say, do what you want, go where you want to go, explore what you want to explore. Obviously be safe but, follow your passions! Life is for living! 
 

You are not in your rocker yet!

 

x

Edited by mylolita
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31 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Just to also note, I suppose some people are more sexually adventurous than others?

 

It doesn’t make it a bad thing at all.

My point is I don't relate to the assumptions that people with multiple partners or who go to those swingers clubs etc are more "adventurous" sexually than someone who has had only one or a few partners -could be the opposite.  A person who is interested in having multiple partners might not be adventurous enough to take the chance of being with one person long term and being willing to have adventures and explore with that person, whether sexually or otherwise.  People with kinks or fetishes might actually be more narrowly focused than adventurous.  I don't think it's fair to assume that a person who chooses promiscuity or being naked on a public beach, or group sex has a more adventurous or open mindset at all.  Might be, might not be just like a person who has had only one partner might or might not be sexually open or adventurous.

I also don't believe that "life is for the living" means taking unnecessary risks or really any risks -depends on the person, the sort of risks, the upsides and downsides.  For me I didn't desire casual sex but also I found it wayyy too risky since I wanted children and knew that certain STDs can affect fertility, for example.  As Boltnrun said it wasn't worth the health risks to have sex outside of a committed, loving relationship.   I never tried illegal drugs and have never been drunk and for sure I know I've lived and had many adventures and hope to have many more.  I remember certain women friends justifying casual sex with "you only live once" and later regretting it because of the various downsides, emotionally and physically. 

I never judged my friends who had casual sex - sometimes I disliked how they judged/blamed men for the choices they made -they were "used" after the fact when he didn't' call.  I chose not to date men who valued having multiple partners and casual sex -with a couple of exceptions, none of which worked out for the long term. I don't think people who have casual sex are more likely to be unfaithful to their partners -depends on why they had casual sex, the appeal of it to them at the time they decide to "settle down" etc.  

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I actually have had sex outside of a committed, loving relationship.  I have had a couple of what is commonly called "FWB".  And I've had "ex sex" several times.  But the difference is, I knew these men, they were either friends or exes that I'd known for YEARS.  I wasn't having sex with men I'd just met or men I picked up at a bar or party.  And not on a first date type situation because there's usually no time before a first date to do any testing.  Condoms, sure, but you can still "catch" something via other means such as kissing.

So in a dating situation with a man I just met, I would absolutely not have sex.  There will be a discussion regarding attitudes toward testing, condoms and health.  I wouldn't have this discussion on the first date but if it seems there will be more consistent dates it definitely would be discussed prior to clothes coming off.

Side note, I cannot have "mind blowing sex" with a stranger.  I can't possibly fathom feeling comfortable enough with a stranger to be able to relax and enjoy myself.  The ONE time I did this in college I did not enjoy it at all.  I felt awkward and uncomfortable and self-conscious.  I decided to never do it again, and I haven't.

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To answer your original question OP… I was 47 when I started dating my now fiancé… I got tested after my separation (just in case) and between all of my sexual partners, casual or otherwise. When my fiancé and l first met we had the protection/testing convos… we also talked about what we liked and the kinks we were comfortable with… turns out we are very compatible in that area.. and TBH as others have said, if we weren’t we probably wouldn’t have stayed together as our sex life is important to both of us… life is too short to compromise on important values, especially since I had already done so on my previous marriage! 
 

PS. We do often have to lube up, even though he works very hard to take care of my needs first, it’s just the nature of the beast with mature vajayjays… and as others have said if he is right for you he will WANT to have those conversations with you 🙂 

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I mentioned my point of - a vetted private members club to Spinster as an alternative opinion or suggestion.

 

Very rarely do I find on ENA, a true variation of opinion or suggestion. I would actually, ideally, like there to be more people here that had varied and differences in opinion. Majority of threads everyone agrees with each other and it is basically the same opinion or advice tweaked only slightly.

 

When I was an OP I valued a variation. I am coming at this from a different angle - whether you agree with it morally or not or in principle Batya is really of no concern - I am suggesting it genuinely to Spinster as a radical alternative she may not have heard before. Will most probably not be up her street but, isn’t it nice to have varied and supportive suggestion?

 

I am obviously open minded - you are appearing very judgemental of others who have a different opinion or lifestyle. I am actually bi-sexual. I wonder how you think people who are bi-sexual and have partners who allow them to explore that side of them together operate? My other partners were all women. 5. I’m an adult woman now and have only had 6 sexual partners one counting my husband. We are talking one night stands here, but with my husband included.

 

Anyway, what I am suggesting to Spinster is there are very safe, heavily vetted, luxurious clubs you can go too that are completely open minded, inclusive - no pressure places, to meet singles, yes other couples as well.

 

Just an alternative suggestion. I understand when you put your neck out on ENA with anything slightly different you often get backlash - especially from yourself Batya - there is no need to morally preach too me. I am sure I could morally preach too you about other aspects of your life I don’t see fit, but that is personal, and I wouldn’t touch that with a barge pole.

 

This is supposed to be a place of open non judgement and helpful suggestions. Don’t go to war with me on my lifestyle choices, and I won’t go to war with you on yours. Whether you find certain things repulsive or not. Maybe don’t concern yourself with what your friends do or did sexually? You seem to have an obsession with that. Maybe secretly you wanted to do what they did! 
 

Doth protest too much!

 

Trying to give an alternative opinion, don’t need personally attacking for it. You don’t seem very open minded at all, I think my original assessment is true!

 

Some people are obviously more adventurous and out there sexually. My point is, most people would never experiment - some people do. If you want too, even later in life, then, there are safe places to do that, rather than pick strangers up off the street!

 

I agree I am not older like Spinster wanted for advice - I am not in my 40s or 50s or 60s. But I have been in a loving and more than sexually fulfilling marriage for 14 years and I think that counts and means something - also have engaged in casual sex like maybe Spinster is hinting at here - so can come at this question from both angels with a few suggestions.

 

Spinster! I wish you the best of luck! My suggestion still remains! Use your own judgement and relax and enjoy! Be adventurous or decide to just stick with one partner, it is entirely up to you!

 

x

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10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Side note, I cannot have "mind blowing sex" with a stranger.  I can't possibly fathom feeling comfortable enough with a stranger to be able to relax and enjoy myself.  The ONE time I did this in college I did not enjoy it at all.  I felt awkward and uncomfortable and self-conscious.  I decided to never do it again, and I haven't.

Same. I also cannot relate to people who think they can - so to speak- test drive a stranger in bed and know whether he/she is good in bed.

I don't think my approach makes me any less adventurous than someone who would have sex with a stranger or any less "free" at expressing myself.  I like feeling free at expressing myself -sexually and otherwise-with people I know well and where there is mutual respect and care.

OP - I would ignore as much as possible what the "trends" are or definitions of "free" or "adventurous" or live in the moment and do what feels right to you -maybe as an older person that self-knowledge and insight will come easier.  Good luck and enjoy!!

Edited by Batya33
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Posted (edited)

I thank all of you for your suggestions, every last one of them!  Choice=freedom.  Also I might curl your hair a little if I told you what kind of things I got up to as a young lass, haha... j'ai eu des aventures incroyables bien sur!  Personne ne me croirais...

In any case being married for such a long time... it was not the biggest part of our relationship, for sure, but it mattered.  And I wasn't 100% fulfilled because my particular brand of freak wasn't on his menu.  Since everything else was solid (about 95%) I didn't worry too much but after a quarter century and he had stopped trying to please me, we had fallen out of mutual respect and admiration (things that mean everything to me in a relationship), I felt there wasn't enough left to keep going.  So the intimacy wasn't the burger, it was maybe the lettuce or tomato (really, maybe even the tiny slice of pickle).  The other stuff was the main event for me.

My takeaway here is that I need to explore the world a little and just let it go.  OLD is not working well for me, between the bots and old folks with nothing to do, I'm better off right now just focusing on other things.  Everyone says you find someone when you're not looking 🙂 Then, I have a feeling all will fall into place.

Again, I thank you all for your input.  Love this place.

 

Edited by spinstermanquee
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