Where have these thoughts come from?

[Rb1980]

Hey all,

This is really weird and I don't know what's happened. 

I'm in a relationship now entering its 8th month. Everything is great, we have loads of fun, go out all the time, meet each others friends and are really settled among each other.

We recently moved in together which has also been an incredible experience and many of my friends comment on how I've never been happier.

Weirdly over the past 2 weeks I started thinking about my ex from 2 years ago. No idea why, nothing provoked it that I'm aware of. I've just begun thinking about how she's getting on, what she's up to and what would happen if we bumped into each other.

I've not seen her at all since we split and after the initial grieving stage and a small wobble early last year, I've largely not given her any thought.

Just wondering if anyone could give insight into why out of nowhere I've started thinking like this? It's annoying me as these thoughts creep in almost daily.

[DarkCh0c0]

How long were you with her, and how long were you single before dating? Why did you break up?

It's okay to have these thoughts when you've recently made a big move in your current relationship.

[Kwothe28]

Are you prone to chaos? Meaning did you have much turbulence in past relationships? Sometimes we get so used to turbulence that even when we got good thing going we think something is missing and start thinking about old ways. You got used to one things, and now you are getting something different. However, different in this case means better.

Anyway, it happens. However, you shouldnt have thoughts over that too much. Try to ignore it and  preoccupy with something else. You are having a good thing there so try not to "self-sabotage" yourself. 

[mylolita]

Hey Rb!

 

You are quite early days still into your new relationship - but if things work, and you love her deeply, I don’t see why you need to give thoughts of your ex any gravity or power.

 

I’m not sure of your situation, age, and relationships before your ex-girlfriend but, before I started dating my now husband, ohhh years ago, I was 14-15, I’m now 32(!) I had a guy who was the first boy who ever showed intense and proper interest in me. It spanned the whole of school, ending in, when I was 16, he asked me out and then even said he wanted to marry me and for me to have his babies! Dramatic I know, but this has been slowly building over 3 years, and he kept making small moves on me until I think he felt pushed as the last chance, before school split and we all went out separate ways to start college. I suppose it was a coming of age cross roads type of time.

 

Anyway, long story short, for whatever reason, I never said yes and I chickened out with this guy, but I did love him, in a distant, obsessive kinda youthful way. I tried to back peddle and press him to ask me again but he was so wounded about it he completely blanked me and never forgave me again for the rejection and years of teasing. I got it but it still hurt. Just under two years after that, I meet my to be husband at 18 and I have been with him and married since, we have 3 children. The point I’m getting too is, I have phases where I dream about this school crush all the time. Sometimes thoughts about him even float into my own mind too! Like, how is he doing? Did he ever get his engineering degree? Did he ever get married, have children? Is he now even divorced?! And what would I do if I bumped into him?! What would he think about me? Would he still like me?!

 

It has come into my own mind that this is maybe inappropriate for me, being a married woman n’all but I am so happy in my marriage that I realise, I guess these random thoughts now and then, a few times a year say, for him, represent feelings and a time in my life that I never put to bed, and that maybe I wish I could’ve done differently. My dreams about him always bring up unsettled feelings, but comfort me at the same time. I often have these dreams when I am stressed. 
 

You can turn these things over as much as you want. Maybe look too your current relationship. If you are happy and don’t want to change anything, why ruminate? Even if you do have genuine feelings for your ex, or wish things had worked out differently, it’s never great to go back. Often people broke up for a reason, corny as that is. And, she may not be available anyway.

 

Never give up on a good thing! Might just be your brain sorting things through!

 

Best,

Lo x

 

 

[boltnrun]

These thoughts of your ex aren't new. You've posted at least three other threads over the past year about how you can't get this ex out of your mind despite being broken up for two years.

Do you sincerely love your current girlfriend? Or have you always thought she's your second choice? If your ex contacted you asking to see you so you two could talk, would you be excited and hopeful? Or would you immediately dismiss and reject her because you're honestly in love with your current girlfriend?

[Rb1980]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How long were you with her, and how long were you single before dating? Why did you break up?

It's okay to have these thoughts when you've recently made a big move in your current relationship.

We were together just under 2 years. We broke up as she just said she no longer felt she could so it any more. She lost feelings and didn't think they would come back

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Rb1980 said:

Hey all,

This is really weird and I don't know what's happened. 

I'm in a relationship now entering its 8th month. Everything is great, we have loads of fun, go out all the time, meet each others friends and are really settled among each other.

We recently moved in together which has also been an incredible experience and many of my friends comment on how I've never been happier.

Weirdly over the past 2 weeks I started thinking about my ex from 2 years ago. No idea why, nothing provoked it that I'm aware of. I've just begun thinking about how she's getting on, what she's up to and what would happen if we bumped into each other.

I've not seen her at all since we split and after the initial grieving stage and a small wobble early last year, I've largely not given her any thought.

Just wondering if anyone could give insight into why out of nowhere I've started thinking like this? It's annoying me as these thoughts creep in almost daily.

If this is recurring as Bolt has mentioned you might want to look over why. You may be wondering why she “lost feelings” for you when you were committed to her and subconsciously and consciously also worried that your current relationship will end the same way. 

In my opinion these thoughts can be however normal or abnormal we want them to be. It’s how you conduct yourself now and the way you move on with your life that matters. Too often people think something or dream something and believe it has a grand meaning. Your real choices are in how you act and respond or grow past old chapters of the past. 

[Rb1980]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

These thoughts of your ex aren't new. You've posted at least three other threads over the past year about how you can't get this ex out of your mind despite being broken up for two years.

Do you sincerely love your current girlfriend? Or have you always thought she's your second choice? If your ex contacted you asking to see you so you two could talk, would you be excited and hopeful? Or would you immediately dismiss and reject her because you're honestly in love with your current girlfriend?

To be honest, I wouldn't take her back of she came into my life again. When I started getting these thoughts I actually began to look at the negative aspects of that relationship and could see how now I'm in so much more of a happier place.

With this ex, her fluctuations in mental health were such a drain on me and made me even need to consult professional help for my own mental health.

She regularly bought up talk about exes, she regularly complained and she wouldn't accept any changes in our daily life. 

I think in the past I was clinging to a hope but now, definitely not. 

Sure, there are some elements I miss but overall I think I've disregarded feelings now that would lead me to want her back

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Rb1980 said:

I'm in a relationship now entering its 8th month. We recently moved in together

Moving together was a mistake.

It's too much too soon and now you're faced with the drudgery of playing house and feeling trapped.

That's why your escape hatch is daydreaming about when you were free and your last relationship.

Your current relationship and especially moving in together seems like a convenience and your heart is simply not in it.

[boltnrun]

My horrible ex pops up in my dreams every so often. I find it more annoying than anything else. I don't wistfully wonder how he is or what he's doing or if I might run into him. I've had opportunities in the past where I could have seen or talked to him, but I don't want to.

You wrote a LOT about your ex and very little about your current girlfriend. Is there a reason for that? 

Think about what it is you might be missing or wishing for in your current relationship. If you're truly happy and fulfilled, then just write these thoughts off as intrusive thoughts, dismiss them, and go on with your day.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Think about what it is you might be missing or wishing for in your current relationship. If you're truly happy and fulfilled, then just write these thoughts off as intrusive thoughts, dismiss them, and go on with your day.

I agree.

Or speak with a therapist about this if you'd like to.

[bluecastle]

43 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

In my opinion these thoughts can be however normal or abnormal we want them to be. It’s how you conduct yourself now and the way you move on with your life that matters. Too often people think something or dream something and believe it has a grand meaning. Your real choices are in how you act and respond or grow past old chapters of the past. 

Highlighting these sentences because I think they're pretty brilliant and relevant. 

Big picture, I think this sort of thing is very normal, and that as a relationships progresses and deepens we sometimes find ourselves reflecting back on past relationships. You have a kid, if I correctly recall? Think about how interacting with your child, or watching your child go through a big milestone, can make you think back to your own childhood, sometimes with some melancholy. We live our lives in a continuum, not a vacuum, after all. 

That said, I couldn't help but notice that you didn't answer a very important question from bolt: 

56 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you sincerely love your current girlfriend?

I recall your earlier threads pretty clearly, and my sense was that you were really struggling to give yourself time to just heal before dating, but were instead kind of rebounding and, in the process, magnifying the breakup. Was your current girlfriend part of that? Only you know the ins and outs of your head and heart. Guess what I'm trying to say is that thoughts like this are fine—they happen—but if they're connected to being lukewarm in a committed relationship that's something to deal with. 

[mylolita]

Very true - not all psychologists believe dreams mean anything at all. Sometimes thoughts and memories drifting up, they can have as much meaning and weight as you give too them, or don’t.

 

As others have said, the main issue is, how you feel about your girlfriend. There is no need to drop a potentially life long love affair and maybe marriage and other things with the woman you love because of a few thoughts regarding an ex. And, I didn’t realise this but others have said you have a child? This is even more reason to not jump upon this. Is the child with your ex or your current girlfriend?

 

x
 

 

[mylolita]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Moving together was a mistake.

It's too much too soon and now you're faced with the drudgery of playing house and feeling trapped.

That's why your escape hatch is daydreaming about when you were free and your last relationship.

Your current relationship and especially moving in together seems like a convenience and your heart is simply not in it.

I have to respectfully disagree Wiseman.

 

Moving in together is, nothing ventured, nothing gained. They are not buying a house together I take it, or getting married after 8 months. It is a great litmus test and a fast track to seeing how compatible you are in real time, all the time, everyday life. 
 

I moved in with my then boyfriend after 3 months if I am remembering rightly! We have been together 14 years now married for 7.

 

Jumping in the deep end isn’t always a death sentence for a relationship, especially if lightening has struck and you think my God, this is THE ONE! 
 

If it doesn’t work out you can always move out. Not much harm done.
 

 

[lostandhurt]

So your new romance and love has brought up some old memories.  So what? 

Walking through my pasture with fresh dew on the dry grass has a certain smell the makes me think of my father and one long hot summer I worked my butt of at his side as a kid.

Now I could see the memory as good or bad.  Good because I was with my father and we shared that time together or bad because I worked so hard while my friends were off goofing around. 

 I choose good and smile when it comes to me.  It is a memory that is triggered by a smell just like your new relationship triggered this memory.  Does it matter why?  I don't think so but it is a very good reminder for you to not take anything for granted, cherish what you have and help it flourish.  Most of all it can be a reminder of lessons learned from that dysfunctional relationship that should have ended long before it did.

Focus on the now and leave the past where it belongs taking only the lessons learned with you...

  Lost

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

Weirdly over the past 2 weeks I started thinking about my ex from 2 years ago.

She's been on your mind since you broke up. It's sad you're just sort of going through the motions with this new woman you rushed into moving in together. Even that won't help your obsession, so it's something you'll have to work out on your own.

Additionally it keeps you perpetually emotionally unavailable to always be thinking about someone you're not with and putting whatever is in front of you in some sort of vacant haze while you dream on.

[boltnrun]

Sometimes people get used to the dramatic ups and downs of a toxic relationship. They start to believe the strong feelings and reactions to what their toxic partner says and does are "love". They don't recognize that it's not love but adrenaline that causes the strong feelings. And therefore when they get involved with a non-toxic partner, one that doesn't put them through the extreme highs and lows, they believe they don't love that person as much as they did their toxic ex because they don't react as strongly and don't get that adrenaline rush. They find a steady, reliable partner and relationship boring and unexciting.

By chance, does a part of you "miss" those extreme highs and lows? Do you feel your current girlfriend doesn't challenge you the way your ex did?

[Batya33]

I have seen you go through these overthinking/self sabotaging patterns before in previous threads. Why did you decide to move in together? Did you both want this and if so what were the intentions behind it -to deepen an emotional commitment (some think that this is a good way), for convenience, logistics? I wouldn't focus on the thoughts themselves but the timing - consider whether this living together plan is feeling overwhelming or potentially suffocating, etc.

[tattoobunnie]

Cuz,

One, you secretly want to know if they are failing in life or getting their comeuppance with what they did to you.

Two, you are trying to find a bit of freedom by thinking of your ex because you moved in with your current girl too soon.

Three, curiosity killed the cat.  You are a human, and allowed to think of other people.

Four, things are going so well, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop...self sabotage

Five, she's not the one for you.

Six, all of the above.

Seven, your mind is looking for closure, so thinking about them to process emotions, so you can move forward.

Could be anything.

[bluecastle]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I have seen you go through these overthinking/self sabotaging patterns before in previous threads.

Some further thoughts triggered by this sentence: 

What struck me about your past threads was the sense that you felt everything you were feeling after your breakup was "bad," meaning that it was something to work on eliminating as soon as possible so all would again be "good." 

This mentality, while understandable, has limitations that are outlined up and down this forum in all sorts of different ways. If a relationship is deemed "good," for example, primarily because it has stopped you from thinking about an ex—rather than because a multifaceted human being is blowing your top in all the right ways—it will invariably be deemed "bad" when thoughts of an ex creep in, since those thoughts had already been labeled "bad," the thing you need to keep at bay. 

Drinking is an easy metaphor. If something is painful, getting super drunk will eliminate that pain, for a few moments. But then comes the hangover (new pain) and as the brain gets back in touch with its circuitry the very thoughts and feelings you were hoping to numb are back, often in technicolor. By trying to avoid pain or not learning to just sit with it for a minute, you compound it.

Not saying all that as some air-tight diagnosis of what's happening here. Just things to be aware of, maybe reflect on.