Caught husband cheating

[Mochi28]

I caught my husband of 8 years cheating 2 months ago. I was working on our shared computer at home and found out that he had bought flowers for his lover 4 days after they checked into a hotel near our home. Apparently they only did it once. My husband and I work in a family practice, and to make things worse, this woman is a client of our practice. In January this year (prior to discovering the affair), she bought a gift (a model car) for his birthday, got it delivered to the office and he placed this thing on his book shelf. Being the naive person that I am, I didn't think much of it. 

Since I discovered the affair, he has expressed remorse and apologized many times. His explanation for the affair was that the kids and I have been ignoring him and the kids are closer to my parents (he feels that my parents are between him and the children); that he feels neglected; that he recently turned 50 (he is more than 10 years older than me) which somehow made things worse. I have considered separating many times but I haven't left him because I love him and I want us to try to recover from this, and of course, because of the kids. To say that this thing hit me like a pile of bricks is an understatement and I've lost almost 7 kgs since discovering about the affair.

Re the model car that she bought him, I've had to ask him twice before he took it down from his book shelf. He then left it on the floor at the back of his office between a gap in between his desk and the wall. He mentioned that he wants to give it away or something, but it's been over a month already and nothing has happened. I've now taken this thing from his room and put it in the storage room. I don't want to see it every time I enter his room in the office. What do I do with it? What can I do with this thing? I seriously want to smash it, or drop it from the balcony and see it smash into pieces. But I feel that's not the right thing to do.

He told me that they haven't talked again and that she's got her own family and a kid. I haven't discovered anything so far to suggest that they're continuing the affair. However I recently discovered from looking at his phone that he has been downloading photos that she had posted on her facebook and saving it onto his phone. Is there an explanation for this kind of behaviour? His explanation to me was that he saves other people's photos too, and that they were good photos. I am not persuaded. 

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

 

[Batya33]

He's still cheating or preparing to cheat again.  I'm really sorry you're going through this.  How old are the kids? Was he single when you met him? I would be preparing to file for a separation/divorce.  I'm sorry.

[Mochi28]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He's still cheating or preparing to cheat again.  I'm really sorry you're going through this.  How old are the kids? Was he single when you met him? I would be preparing to file for a separation/divorce.  I'm sorry.

They're 6 years old - twins. He was in his early 40s when we met and had a girlfriend who was older than him. They broke up and we got together a few months after that. Why do you say he is still cheating or preparing to cheat again?

[Batya33]

Just now, Mochi28 said:

They're 6 years old - twins. He was in his early 40s when we met and had a girlfriend who was older than him. They broke up and we got together a few months after that. Why do you say he is still cheating or preparing to cheat again?

Why do you think I wrote that? Do you really think a person who only cheated once, told you he made a mistake and it would never happen again would download these photos? Also if you believe him why are you still snooping on his phone? If you don't trust him why are you with him?  

"However I recently discovered from looking at his phone that he has been downloading photos that she had posted on her facebook and saving it onto his phone. Is there an explanation for this kind of behaviour? His explanation to me was that he saves other people's photos too, and that they were good photos. I am not persuaded." 

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, Mochi28 said:

However I recently discovered from looking at his phone that he has been downloading photos that she had posted on her facebook and saving it onto his phone. Is there an explanation for this kind of behaviour? His explanation to me was that he saves other people's photos too, and that they were good photos.

Master-baiting. 

Anyway, you probably just scratched the surface there. And after the trust is gone there is no come back from that. So either you stay knowing what he does or will do to another patient, or get some respect for yourself and get a divorce.

[Coily]

30 minutes ago, Mochi28 said:

Since I discovered the affair, he has expressed remorse and apologized many times. His explanation for the affair was that the kids and I have been ignoring him and the kids are closer to my parents (he feels that my parents are between him and the children); that he feels neglected; that he recently turned 50 (he is more than 10 years older than me) which somehow made things worse. I have considered separating many times but I haven't left him because I love him and I want us to try to recover from this, and of course, because of the kids. To say that this thing hit me like a pile of bricks is an understatement and I've lost almost 7 kgs since discovering about the affair.

This part stood out. Either a simple scapegoat, as in-laws are easy to blame. Or a very serious part of him feeling disconnected and willing to be a scumbag cheater. Could your parents be seen as intrusive? Coming over unannounced, insisting on looking after the kids rather than their father, undue influence on you and the way you treat your husband, given a higher priority than he, or any other numerous disruptions to him being the head of house (or at least feeling like he's contributing to the family)?

This stood out as I saw a friend slowly loose his marriage as his MIL moved within a block of him. She would start dropping in, bringing her dogs over unannounced, a mild fight would induce the wife to "go home to momma," and other intrusions into their life. Until they divorced from the constant whispers in the wife's ear by the MIL lead to divorce.

That said, IF you both want this to work marriage counseling, hard lines of respect for both of you (no snooping on your part and no scummy cheating on his part), and the clear intention that if it happens again it's divorce. As for the model car, simply dump it in the trash.

Again before jumping right to divorce, how is the marriage otherwise? When he doesn't feel hampered by your parents, how is he as a father? Heck even when he feels hampered, how is he as a father?

[Mochi28]

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

This part stood out. Either a simple scapegoat, as in-laws are easy to blame. Or a very serious part of him feeling disconnected and willing to be a scumbag cheater. Could your parents be seen as intrusive? Coming over unannounced, insisting on looking after the kids rather than their father, undue influence on you and the way you treat your husband, given a higher priority than he, or any other numerous disruptions to him being the head of house (or at least feeling like he's contributing to the family)?

This stood out as I saw a friend slowly loose his marriage as his MIL moved within a block of him. She would start dropping in, bringing her dogs over unannounced, a mild fight would induce the wife to "go home to momma," and other intrusions into their life. Until they divorced from the constant whispers in the wife's ear by the MIL lead to divorce.

That said, IF you both want this to work marriage counseling, hard lines of respect for both of you (no snooping on your part and no scummy cheating on his part), and the clear intention that if it happens again it's divorce. As for the model car, simply dump it in the trash.

Again before jumping right to divorce, how is the marriage otherwise? When he doesn't feel hampered by your parents, how is he as a father? Heck even when he feels hampered, how is he as a father?

We don't live with our parents but they used to come over every weekend and pretty much spend an entire day with us. By us, I mean the kids and me. My husband would have meals with us but he otherwise stays in his study or goes out. My kids enjoy a very very close relationship with my parents, and whenever they are around, they would stick to my parents and pretty much ignore my husband. We work Monday to Friday, and often don't find the energy to spend quality time with the kids during the weekdays, and in hindsight I feel that I have deprived him of spending time with the children over the weekend by having my parents over. He loves the kids and he is a good and responsible father. He said he felt disconnected from me and the children, as if he didn't have us in his life. 

A few weeks prior to learning of the affair, he got into a huge argument with my parents over the kids (about what language my kids should speak at home) and my parents have since stopped coming over to our house. I have since seen a massive improvement in his relationship with the kids - they would now go over and hug him and talk to him which they did not do previously. Other than the cheating, our marriage is otherwise good. We fight sometimes over work and other petty things but nothing comes as close as the affair. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Mochi28 said:

His explanation for the affair was that the kids and I have been ignoring him and the kids are closer to my parents (he feels that my parents are between him and the children); that he feels neglected; that he recently turned 50 (he is more than 10 years older than me) which somehow made things worse

All excuses. He has zero respect for you anymore and he had two foot and his d* out of the door.

Cheating is never acceptable, and clearly he is not over her nor is he suggesting ways to fix this/marriage counseling and that is quite telling.

1 hour ago, Mochi28 said:

His explanation to me was that he saves other people's photos too, and that they were good photos

More excuses. He seems to have zero remorse for what he's done and doesn't want to work on this. AND he seems to still want to maintain contact with that woman.

I would out of the relationship and prep for a divorce ASAP. Cheating is a No.No.No. and I don't care why he did it. Trust, safety, closeness and loyalty are gone and can't be repaired.

[DarkCh0c0]

8 minutes ago, Mochi28 said:

He said he felt disconnected from me and the children, as if he didn't have us in his life. 

Yea, but did he mention it before the affair? Did he Suggest how to repair this whole mess? He could've said "honey, I want to spend more time with you and take us out on dates ect.". But he didn't- willingly. Easier to look outside, that's for sure.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Mochi28 said:

My husband and I work in a family practice, and to make things worse, this woman is a client of our practice.

Sorry this is happening. Do you know this woman? Isn't it unethical for him to have sex with clients? They are still an item and you know this. He is blaming you for his cheating. You know this as well.

See a physician about your physical and mental health. Be frank about your husband's philandering. Get tested for STDs. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist Do Not tell him. Privately and confidentially discuss his neglectful behavior toward the children as well as his gaslighting and abusive blame. Tell the therapist that he is having sex with clients.

Also consult an attorney privately and confidentially. Do not tell him.  Discuss your business as well as the cheating and inappropriate sexual activity with a client.

[tattoobunnie]

So instead of working towards getting closer with his kids and you again, he has an affair.  And the fact he planned it by hotel with flowers means it was not his first time, nor did he plan to have it be his last time.

Instead of buying you flowers...he brought her flowers.  Let that sink in.  Instead of buying you flowers to get closer to you...he bought another woman flowers, got a hotel to bang her, then blames you and your kids for his actions.  This guy is a straight up scum bucket loser.

Whatever you do, make sure you find where all the money is, accounts, assets,  bonds, stocks, etc.

My husband has been away for work, and I am on my own with my little kids for 6 to 8 week stretches, and I work full-time as well, and we aren't having affairs with other people.  If you want a relationship with your kids, you make plans, and do them.  He can blame your folks, or he could have asked them to do them during the week, or if he could join, or he could say "not this weekend" to your folks.  Don't buy his excuse...it's truly just a way to gaslight you.

[DarkCh0c0]

22 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Instead of buying you flowers...he brought her flowers.  Let that sink in.  Instead of buying you flowers to get closer to you...he bought another woman flowers, got a hotel to bang her, then blames you and your kids for his actions.  This guy is a straight up scum bucket loser

PREACH!

[melancholy123]

Give the model car to a local kid who would like it or take it to a thrift shop to be sold.

This guy is full of sh1t and you need a lawyer.

[HeartGoesOn]

I can't speak for others, but I've always believed you can never fully come back to where you were before the cheating occurred.

Although it may look good on paper, the aftermath is having the need to be always looking over your shoulder, along with waiting for the next shoe to drop, (imo).

In short, I hope you'll make the right choices.

 

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

9 hours ago, Mochi28 said:

He said he felt disconnected from me and the children, as if he didn't have us in his life. 

Yea, but did he mention it before the affair? Did he Suggest how to repair this whole mess? He could've said "honey, I want to spend more time with you and take us out on dates ect.". But he didn't

4 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

So instead of working towards getting closer with his kids and you again, he has an affair.  And the fact he planned it by hotel with flowers means it was not his first time, nor did he plan to have it be his last time.

Instead of buying you flowers...he brought her flowers.  Let that sink in.  Instead of buying you flowers to get closer to you...he bought another woman flowers, got a hotel to bang her, then blames you and your kids for his actions. 

Exactly.

[Rox22]

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

Give the model car to a local kid who would like it or take it to a thrift shop to be sold.

This guy is full of sh1t and you need a lawyer.

Agreed! Donate it so a child can benefit from this toy. No need to throw it in the trash.

Also, there is no "staying and trying", esp. not after this:

11 hours ago, Mochi28 said:

However I recently discovered from looking at his phone that he has been downloading photos that she had posted on her facebook and saving it onto his phone

You know what you need to do. This is who you're married to. This will not change.

GL

[Coily]

23 hours ago, Mochi28 said:

 My husband would have meals with us but he otherwise stays in his study or goes out. My kids enjoy a very very close relationship with my parents, and whenever they are around, they would stick to my parents and pretty much ignore my husband.

... my parents have since stopped coming over to our house. I have since seen a massive improvement in his relationship with the kids - they would now go over and hug him and talk to him which they did not do previously.

These lines really stood out. On one hand I would say he didn't do enough to fight for time with his kids and you on the weekends. But he still did the scummy thing of having an affair. 

The remaining question is did the improvement come before or after he got caught cheating?

Ultimately it's up to you to decide if you want to try to start this marriage over from scratch, weigh your options carefully and write a pro-con list. While also making it clear that he has a heck of a lot more than just being dad to his kids, clear boundaries need to be established and dire consequences. Divorce may ultimately be the right decision, but that's not for a bunch of voices on the internet to decide.

[Rose Mosse]

On 4/13/2022 at 3:40 AM, Mochi28 said:

I caught my husband of 8 years cheating 2 months ago. I was working on our shared computer at home and found out that he had bought flowers for his lover 4 days after they checked into a hotel near our home. Apparently they only did it once. My husband and I work in a family practice, and to make things worse, this woman is a client of our practice. In January this year (prior to discovering the affair), she bought a gift (a model car) for his birthday, got it delivered to the office and he placed this thing on his book shelf. Being the naive person that I am, I didn't think much of it. 

Since I discovered the affair, he has expressed remorse and apologized many times. His explanation for the affair was that the kids and I have been ignoring him and the kids are closer to my parents (he feels that my parents are between him and the children); that he feels neglected; that he recently turned 50 (he is more than 10 years older than me) which somehow made things worse. I have considered separating many times but I haven't left him because I love him and I want us to try to recover from this, and of course, because of the kids. To say that this thing hit me like a pile of bricks is an understatement and I've lost almost 7 kgs since discovering about the affair.

Re the model car that she bought him, I've had to ask him twice before he took it down from his book shelf. He then left it on the floor at the back of his office between a gap in between his desk and the wall. He mentioned that he wants to give it away or something, but it's been over a month already and nothing has happened. I've now taken this thing from his room and put it in the storage room. I don't want to see it every time I enter his room in the office. What do I do with it? What can I do with this thing? I seriously want to smash it, or drop it from the balcony and see it smash into pieces. But I feel that's not the right thing to do.

He told me that they haven't talked again and that she's got her own family and a kid. I haven't discovered anything so far to suggest that they're continuing the affair. However I recently discovered from looking at his phone that he has been downloading photos that she had posted on her facebook and saving it onto his phone. Is there an explanation for this kind of behaviour? His explanation to me was that he saves other people's photos too, and that they were good photos. I am not persuaded. 

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. 

 

Saving photos creepily like this is one reason I don’t have any social media accounts. If you’ve accepted this odd behaviour coming from him I’d question whether you’ve been numb for a long time and trying to convince yourself you love a man who doesn’t care one bit about you. 

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through but I am appalled that you do remain in the marriage. I agree once the trust is damaged it is very difficult to get things back to the way it was before. You’ll always be looking over your shoulder and wondering what his actions may mean or losing track of reality.

[smackie9]

By him not getting rid of that diecast, shows he is still emotionally attached, grieving the loss of the affair and or he's still seeing her. That in itself should show you, he stepped/is stepping out of your marriage. Would it not be possible he panicked because of the financial implications of a divorce and possible demise of your practice? 

There's no remorse for why he did. He blamed you and the kids "ignoring him"... like really? This woman showed him some attention and he went for it. It has nothing to do with you or the kids. 

[lostandhurt]

So this is coming from a guy that was cheated on after 20 years together and I gave her 3 chances.

Cheaters lie and then they lie some more.  Once caught they never tell the whole truth, instead they spin a tale with some truths in it to sound believable.

 Let's say you were the one that cheated and got caught and wanted to save the marriage.  Would you keep a gift from your bf in clear sight?  Would you not only view pics of your bf but actually save them to your phone?  People that cheat and want to really save their marriage/relationship would move heaven and earth to prove how remorseful they are, how sorry they are for hurting the family and jeopardizing the happiness of their children.

 People that cheat and don't want to lose the home safety net/security but still want to cheat after things cool off act like your husband. He isn't sorry, he isn't remorseful and he certainly didn't care about your feelings when he was banging this woman then and now.

 I am sorry but wishing and hoping the marriage can be saved is not going to  work.  It takes tons of hard work and honesty and you are getting zero of that from him.   

 This is a lot to process and big decisions need to be made.  Keep your mouth shut but your eyes and ears wide open.  It is time to plan for the worse while you still hope for the best.

I know this is hard trust me but you will be okay and the children will be okay in time.

 Don't let fear keep you from making smart choices.   

Keep posting

 Lost

[SherrySher]

On 4/13/2022 at 4:40 AM, Mochi28 said:

What do I do with it? What can I do with this thing?

Throw it in the garbage, asap. It symbolizes the ultimate disrespect she has for you and for your marriage and it literally belongs in the trash.

Stop being Mrs. Nice guy, you have a right to stand up for yourself!

On 4/13/2022 at 4:40 AM, Mochi28 said:

However I recently discovered from looking at his phone that he has been downloading photos that she had posted on her facebook and saving it onto his phone.

Absolute bs the explanation he gave. I'm sorry, but he is most definitely still involved with her, whether it's physically, or emotionally, this proves it, as does him refusing to toss the model car.

They are not over the affair, and are either keeping it on the low down for now (but missing each other), or are still continuing while being sneaky about it.

You need to speak to a lawyer, now..not next week not next month, but NOW.

Then sit down with him and let him know that you will not tolerate his lying anymore, or his connection with this person.

I know it's scary confronting and making ultimatums, because it might not be the answer you want.

But you can't be sitting back and allowing this to continue either.

He either cuts her off completely, deletes all photos, promises to never, ever see her again, not in person, not in the office, and not on FB.

He ends this once and for all.

And then he and you must go to marriage counselling and also possibly even one on one counselling so you can get help for not only your marriage, but help for your own personal issues.

No doubt you have gone through trauma discovering this affair and he needs to sort out why he decided to betray his marriage like this.

Lots of issues to work on and you both need to commit to counselling.

If he is not willing to do both, then let him know you've spoken to a lawyer and will proceed with a divorce.

There is no other way, any other way only involves you being dragged along into more heartache, lies and pain.