Anyone have their ex suddenly have the time, money and energy to do things they always made excuses to never do with you?

[katmisj]

I feel like I am slowly moving on with my life from my break up, but there are days when it's particularly hard to move on from these feelings. 

I feel angry even though I hate feeling angry I can't help it. Also frustrated and annoyed. I spoke to my ex today because I still need to pick up some things and he's out with his mates for drinks when he would NEVER go out with me on the weekday. We barely even went out let alone weekdays. And I just started crying alone because I remember almost begging him to do something together.

I get the person not feeling it every time but even suggesting going out for drinks with him would be like "no way I have to get up early tomorrow for work", or "all you think about is drinking"and saying he didn't like drinking that much because his ex had alcohol problems. But then, you both break up and they suddenly have the energy and money to go out. Like I get it, you want to be social with your work mates and also with your friends, but why is it that with your girlfriend there is no effort at all?

I remember so many times suggesting we go to a bar, a restaurant, a museum, anything, and all he'd say is either "I don't have the money" (which is a lie, he earns way more than I do and is very economic with his spending), or "I'm tired" "Don't feel like it" "Maybe another day", the list goes on. And we'd end up on his couch watching netflix or going for walks near where we live. It was so boring. I would even tell my friends "he's more of a stay at home kind of person", but ever since we broke up, he did so many things with his mates, way more than we'd ever do. 

I barely have any memories except for when we went on a holiday. He would say I'm annoying and all I do is nag him about it but it does take a toll on you when you're constantly trying to make plans with your partner and he constantly turns you down and then when he finds a new girl and does everything you wanted him to do with you, suddenly she's not a nag like you are. Well obviously, you don't treat her like you treated me so it's easy to say that about her. Or when you become single, it becomes fun again to go out.

This is what happened to my other ex before him. All he wanted to do was smoke weed and play video games and I'd either end up going out alone or staying in with him. Didn't take us long to break up and after a few months he came back to apologize for everything he did and then got a new girl and guess what? He goes out with her every weekend for dinner, socializes with her friends etc. I don't care about this particular ex anymore, but I remember at the time feeling so sad and neglected and seeing him with his new girl just makes me angry as well. I had to go through so much mistreatment for someone else to get the treatment I wanted.

I'm doing things on my own and with my friends because I gave up on dating for a while and trying to do fun things with my ex partners because obviously failed miserable and they'd take me for granted as it seems like huge effort to take your girl out for dinner. Or when my ex did, he'd always talk about how much money he'd spend on it or we'd end up fighting about money because god forbid I don't pay every time we go out because I earn way less than him. I just don't get why you'd be in a relationship if you're just going to act like a boring person that never wants to do anything with you, making you feel guilty for suggesting, yet when they meet someone else or are single, they suddenly do all of those things? I'd even suggest things that didn't require spending a lot of money like going out for hikes or camping and he'd make excuses for it. 

Sorry for the rant, I think I have these feelings bottled up inside me. When you're in a relationship, you want it to be fun, to create moments and memories. I feel like just because I was nice and accepted that, they'd take me for granted. But I don't want to start arguments or beg someone to take me out. I just wish it would've been spontaneous and they didn't make me feel guilty for wanting to go out and have fun because they do the same. Just would never with me. 

I know for a fact that when he gets a new girl, he's gonna do so many things with her. It just seems like my karma. Probably by then I'm not gonna care about him but I'm not gonna lie that it still kind of hurts seeing my other ex going to so many restaurants with his new girl when I remember he took me out for dinner once and the rest of the relationship he kept throwing that in my face as if going out once every year was enough. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, katmisj said:

. I spoke to my ex today because I still need to pick up some things 

Confirm a mutually convenient time to collect your things. Bring a friend.

Then be done with it. Don't leave loose ends. Once you have your belongings, delete and block him.

There's no point ruminating about his drinking problems or the poor quality of the relationship.

Move forward in peace and take care of your own physical and mental health.

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you feel hurt.  It's true life isn't fair.  People have different dynamics with different people and they evolve and grow.  Or their priorities change.  Once you end things with a person you're no longer privy to information about who they are and what they are about.  It's like those countless examples where the man says he doesn't think he wants marriage ever, the woman waits and waits for years, then they break up and he's happily married to the next woman he meets within a year.  Did he then want marriage all of a sudden or did he just have an epiphany and meet the right person? Who knows?

When you are in a relationship you want fun and to create memories.  Many people want that too.  It sounds pretty typical. And not all people do.  Some don't prioritize fun or creating memories- they prioritize other things or do so during certain phases of a relationship. 

And it's true- some people feel motivated to do certain things because of who they are with where they didn't when they are with other people.  Kind of like working - notice how a different work environment can be energizing and the person is then motivated to work harder, gain new skills, etc.

I also notice that social media fuels all the "shoulds" - you should want to be out having fun and creating memories..... and posting countless photos of it "or it didn't happen".  

Know yourself and if you are with someone who doesn't seem to have fun at what you have fun at and doesn't want to create memories the way you do find your exit so you don't miss out on opportunities to meet that good match.  Good luck and I'm sorry you're frustrated. 

[Kwothe28]

I believe lots of relationship dynamics(not just personal but also professional) depends on how you stand for yourself at the beggining. For example you allowed them both to get lazy and complacent. Which in turn make them take you for granted. 

I always take an example of my friend and his 2 fiances, his ex and his current. His ex always complained to me that he doesn't take her out, that he doesnt want to take a walk wit her etc. He worked, she was at home cooking and cleaning and he felt no need to do anything, he was rather happy to just stay and that they both watch some show. He eventually broke up engagement(they couldnt have kids and he said she "doesnt excite him") and in a few years found another one. But new one works, doesnt cook him anything and even goes out with friends once in a while. So he actually needs to try. He still likes to watch shows with her and even gained considerable weight. But he takes her out for walks, and even takes a car and they go to nearby locations to do sight-seeing.

Anyway, she also found somebody nice, and they even got a kid together. So, just because you werent appreciated by two exes, doesnt mean some other guy wont appreciate your efforts. Just be careful because as you can see on your own examples, what dynamic you establish at first, is rarely changed after.

[jazz_lover]

This is very common. So I do not think it has anything to do with your karma. But you are wasting a lot of time staying in relationships with these men. 

Also nagging and trying to initiate everything is not the best approach. Men will often interpret that as being told what to do and resent it. 

I think it would work better to explain how you feel and say that you think it is important in a relationship to continue to go on dates and go places and do things together rather than staying in all the time. And if there is no change in behaviour then you are justified in ending things.

Also if the guy starts doing all these things with new girls or with his friends there are a various possible explanations:

Firstly, when a relationship ends staying home alone isn't very appealing so you are more motivated to go out and do things with your friends and go on dates etc. 

Secondly, some guys view dating as a sales effort so will put the effort in with someone new spending money taking them out on dates and then when they have "made the sale" they stop bothering. 

Thirdly, when you meet someone new and exciting it is normal to want to spend a lot of time with that person and go places and do things and everything feels novel even something prosaic like a walk in the park or a visit to the movie theatre. But in a relationship you can get bored of someone and no longer enjoy spending time with them as much and no longer enjoy activities with them as much. 

 

 

 

 

[1a1a]

There’s nothing like the shock of being alone to spur you into action. I’d say they step up because a) the new person is new and exciting and still someone they need to win over and b) there’s a slim chance they realise their last relationship ended through laziness and complacency and now they’re being mindful to say yes sometimes even when they’d rather stay home.  

[DancingFool]

10 hours ago, katmisj said:

I had to go through so much mistreatment for someone else to get the treatment I wanted.

I'm sorry but therein ^ is your problem. Instead of walking away from men who don't treat you right or, worse, mistreat you, you keep sticking around trying to make it work. As you can see, your martyrdom doesn't pay.

If there is anything to take away from this is that you need to learn to walk away immediately. If he doesn't meet your needs, dump him. If he refuses to do what you like consistently, dump him. If he doesn't step up without you nagging, begging, pleading, planning, etc. - dump him! If he doesn't actively plan to do fun things with you on a regular basis without you asking him, dump him! IF all he does and play games and get high - don't get involved in the first place.

It's very basic human nature, OP. If you are going to stick around when a partner gives you nothing, then you will get nothing, because people are lazy like that. Don't cry, get angry with yourself and let that anger drive you to raise your standards and be that much stronger about dumping men who won't give you what you need. Stop wasting your time on time wasters.

 

[Andrina]

12 hours ago, katmisj said:

But I don't want to start arguments or beg someone to take me out.

 

9 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

But you are wasting a lot of time staying in relationships with these men. 

 

 

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

If there is anything to take away from this is that you need to learn to walk away immediately. If he doesn't meet your needs, dump him.

As others have said, your mistake was likely becoming exclusive with guys who were incompatible with you from the get-go. You have to learn to cut guys loose as soon as you see what should be a dealbreaker for you. Homebodies don't fit in with your lifestyle. You've lost opportunities to find a better match when you've wasted time on Mr. Wrong.

Anger is one stage while mourning a break up, so what you're experiencing is totally normal. Just make sure you don't stay in that stage too long. You deserve someone who meets every one of your needs, so good luck in that search when you're ready to date again.

[katmisj]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

 

If there is anything to take away from this is that you need to learn to walk away immediately. If he doesn't meet your needs, dump him. If he refuses to do what you like consistently, dump him. If he doesn't step up without you nagging, begging, pleading, planning, etc. - dump him! If he doesn't actively plan to do fun things with you on a regular basis without you asking him, dump him! IF all he does and play games and get high - don't get involved in the first place.

 

 

I have a really hard time with that because the person ends up "compensating" in other aspects of the relationship such as being someone who's hardworking, loyal, takes care of me, helps me out when I need, wants a family and get married etc so I end up accepting "the bad parts" because of the good parts as I'm always afraid this is the best that I can get. Dating sometimes is really hard and finding someone nice is hard too. 

On my last post I talked about meeting this guy who clicked on chemistry, similar tastes and just overall getting along great but he didn't want a relationship right now and we chose to go our separate ways. So it's like, when I do meet someone who clicks, the person doesn't want me and when I meet someone who wants what I want, there's a whole 'nother side of things that don't match. 

I made a list of the things I dislike and like about my ex. Yesterday I ended up crying to him on the phone and he'd yell at me "I'm sick of this bulls*it, you annoy me, you drive me crazy, I don't f*cking care about what you have to say and your feelings" and all of these other mean statements just because I was crying telling him I missed him. But in honesty, I don't miss him. I miss who he used to be, the person he turned into is someone I don't want near me at all. And he's right, he shouldn't care about my feelings after all, we did break up so why would he listen to what I have to say?

I still get upset though. I always wonder why people treat so badly someone that was once a part of their life. Yea maybe the relationship was a mistake but that doesn't turn them into a bad person. My ex treats me as if I'm some kind of monster who needs to be locked in rehab because I'm a child and can't co-exist in society. When in reality, I just have emotions and feelings and sometimes I cry. 

I guess lesson learned that next time I'm just not gonna stick around to wait and see. 

[katmisj]

Also, I ended up "accepting" watching netflix at his house because before I would ask "hey what do you think about us going to this restaurant?", and the answer would always be no so I'd end up going to his house because I'd rather see him than not see him at all. But it's not like I just accepted it without saying anything, but there's not much else I can do except ask. 

I remember telling him maybe if you took me out for dinner or made plans I wouldn't be so annoying and nagging or in a bad mood, but you don't even try so how are you supposed to know? You just bring out the worst version of me instead of doing things to make me happy and expect me to the best girlfriend ever. 

I feel like a relationship shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't have to be demanding or act like someone I'm not just to get taken on dates. Ugh, it annoys me just thinking about how many times I've tried just having a normal relationship with someone and not ever getting the bare minimum. I really don't feel like dating anyone and I'm very unmotivated to meet new people. 

[boltnrun]

Why do you keep calling  and crying to him when he's been so very rude and uncaring toward you? 

My signature line doesn't appear on mobile, but it says "the cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain". This guy hurts you, so why go to him to cry? Go to someone who treats you in a loving manner when you are feeling down, not someone who curses at you and calls you names.

[katmisj]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Why do you keep calling  and crying to him when he's been so very rude and uncaring toward you? 

My signature line doesn't appear on mobile, but it says "the cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain". This guy hurts you, so why go to him to cry? Go to someone who treats you in a loving manner when you are feeling down, not someone who curses at you and calls you names.

No yeah you’re definitely right. I’ve tried so many times to open up to him and talk to him about my feelings and he ends up hanging up on me and saying “not now” never has time to talk to me and I simply give up. Maybe he was a better boyfriend to his exes, maybe he’ll be better for someone else but he hasn’t been nice to me and that’s what I’ll hold on to. 

A guy that once told me he loved me for who I am only to criticize every single part of my personality and treat me so badly… I am not a victim, I have made mistakes too but Id never treat him like that.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, katmisj said:

. Yesterday I ended up crying to him on the phone and he'd yell at me "I'm sick of this bulls*it, you annoy me, you drive me crazy, I don't f*cking care about what you have to say and your feelings" 

You need to make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Address any bad habits such as drinking overeating etc.

Calling an abusive ex sobbing is asking for problems. Stop it. He's not your psychiatrist.

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, katmisj said:

I’ve tried so many times to open up to him and talk to him about my feelings

Why do you do this? Are you attempting to reconcile? If so, why? Do you believe you "love him"?

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. 

Not long ago you were posting about another guy, the young artsy barfly. For a sparkling hormonal moment he represented salvation: reason to end a relationship, maybe even the blossoming of a new relationship that would be all the things the previous one wasn't. When that didn't pan out, it seems you turned back to this ex for some comfort—this ex who, when you two first met, was supposed to bring salvation from the previous ex, a man who was still very much coursing through your emotional bloodstream. 

There's a pattern here, not unlike adding one drug to the system to offset the affects of another and upping the doses as tolerance increases and the highs become shorter, less potent, and the lows more agonizing. I can't help but think this pattern, far more than any of these dudes and where they've come up short, is the deep source of your anger and frustration right now. Not fun to face, all that. But there is tangible power and growth in doing so, the cultivating of something in you that you seem prone to look for in him(s). Until breaking this pattern eclipses the impulse to indulge it, I fear you're going to find yourself right back in this situation.

You ex wasn't very kind to you on this recent call, no. And that sucks. But to some degree you were asking him, indirectly, to make you feel better after something didn't pan out with the guy who was supposed to be his replacement. That also sucks. To expect a warm, authentic exchange with all that static is a recipe for disappointment, as is hoping for a warm, authentic relationship when you're emotionally torn between multiple men. 

I don't say all this to tsk-tsk. I've indulged in similar habits. It took me a good long while to see them as such, and to create new ones that gave me a better shot at what I actually wanted, to say nothing of actually being the kind of person I yearned to be. It's never a straight line, but it's good to at least see the straight line so you know where to return when you stumble.  

[Andrina]

20 hours ago, katmisj said:

Also, I ended up "accepting" watching netflix at his house because before I would ask "hey what do you think about us going to this restaurant?", and the answer would always be no so I'd end up going to his house because I'd rather see him than not see him at all.

Just think about your own behavior here, so that you can change a pattern that doesn't work for you. You should be teaching people how to treat you.

This would have been a better way to handle things: "Hey, I'd like to treat you to dinner at XYZ."

"Nah. You can come over for Netflix, though."

"I actually want to try the restaurant, so I'll ask Jenny to go."

And now the ball is in his court to ask you out, because you already put in your effort. And his effort better be just not asking you to drive to his place to hang out, because if he did that, you tell him you have other plans. And if he doesn't put in the effort you desire, his laziness speaks for itself, and you can tell him the relationship isn't working for you.

No need to nag. No giving him the benefit of your company when he puts in zero effort. A guy might not be that into you but stick around because he's too cowardly to break up. The only way to gauge his true interest is to let him make half the effort, and if he doesn't, move on.

Nothing wrong with hanging out at each others places as long as there is a healthy balance of outings as well. If he was into you and you were turning down his lazy dates, he would think, "I better step up my game because the one I've been playing, she's not into."

I know dating isn't easy. I had my share of disasters after my first marriage ended. I did some things wrong, but did some things right as well. I'm giving you a bit of advice from me having to learn the hard way. Take care.

[boltnrun]

@Andrinais 100% right.

I made this same mistake. I was seeing a guy who lived nearly two hours away. Initially he strongly pursued me. But then I made the classic mistake of being too available. I drove to his place every weekend. I even had a job close to home on Sunday mornings and I got up at 5 am so I could drive from his place to the job, then I drove two hours BACK to his place and then Monday morning I drove two hours to work. And the end result? He "lost interest". He ended up telling me he didn't want to see me anymore. I became lame and uninteresting and a pushover. What's attractive about any of that?

Unfortunately I did the same thing in my next relationship. Apparently I am a slow learner. And the same result.

I stopped dating because I didn't trust myself to make good decisions. I've been single for a number of years and it's been fine. I have a lot of fun with friends and family. But I learned my lesson. I won't make those same mistakes again.

I see you were doing the same thing with the younger guy, giving him chances when he hadn't earned them because you don't like being single. But being single is eye opening. It's a treat to really get to know yourself and find out how to best serve yourself so you can be and find the right partner. 

[katmisj]

On 4/6/2022 at 11:36 PM, boltnrun said:

Why do you do this? Are you attempting to reconcile? If so, why? Do you believe you "love him"?

I think so, yeah. At least it's what my intention initially was. And then it turned into just wanting to get closure and open up about my feelings but I just always feel like I am not listened to. He just does not care. 

 

21 hours ago, bluecastle said:

 

There's a pattern here, not unlike adding one drug to the system to offset the affects of another and upping the doses as tolerance increases and the highs become shorter, less potent, and the lows more agonizing. I can't help but think this pattern, far more than any of these dudes and where they've come up short, is the deep source of your anger and frustration right now.

And I can certainly agree on here. I met my ex in a moment where I wasn't feeling very good. I was trying to meet other people and forcing myself to move on. He just ended up being this guy who was seeking a relationship and spent 3 months "chasing" me, which led me to feel very safe and secure and I started opening up. But that's the only reason why we started dating in the first place, because I was not open for a relationship at the time. 

But then he ended up leaving just like everybody else and I am still grieving and I feel a lot of emotions. I feel anger and frustration mostly, and I'm letting myself feel these feelings. From the last moments I spoke to him he would constantly say "just move on, get over it". As if a month is enough time to get over a relationship. I told him, maybe for you it's easy because you can just get on an app and look through a catalogue of women and decide which one you'll pick to make her feel safe and loved like you did with me. But with me, it's a bit different, I am very suspicious of who I let into my life. I guess the fact that he wants a relationship just makes it easier for him to find someone else and that's why he's treating me like this. Because, you know, there's so many options out there, why would you invest on someone you got bored of? 

I honestly would rather be alone if dating someone new means another heartbreak. I am done with these "life lessons" and "learning experiences". I want to feel nurtured, loved and cared for. I'm tired of just going through these things just to "learn". I have decided to take a step back from meeting people because I am actually fine on my own and just the thought of opening up to someone new and having the person hurt me is something I am not willing to go through any time soon. 

I am having a very hard time because I keep rationalising everything, the good and the bad moments. I could list these bad things he'd say to me such as: 

"I don't want to eat your disgusting vegan food" - at the time we met, I was vegetarian and then slowly started eating fish again so he'd only let me cook fish for him, but he took me to a vegan restaurant on our second date and always said how he thinks I'm awesome for being vegan and then with time he would always make me feel bad for my eating choices claiming he "cared about my health". It got to a point where I would even lie about what I ate just so he wouldn't say anything bad. Like "I ate fish" instead of saying I had tofu for lunch or smth. 

We had different political views but I was always open to listening to things from his perspective and he did open my eyes to some things but the other way around he'd say "I don't respect your views and your opinion". He wouldn't even listen to me without bashing me. He was talking to a woman - who he claimed he was friends with - behind my back and sending her memes and when I questioned him he said "well, if I send them to you, you don't laugh at them". He would always make me feel bad if I wasn't the whole package, it's like if I didn't have the same political views or didn't eat meat, it didn't matter how loving, caring and respectful I was. 

Or, one time we were debating about feminism and I told him about this work I did in college about women and as soon as I started explaining what it was he said "oh that's such garbage" and wouldn't even let me finish my sentence and let me explain something I spent a whole year studying. 

Or how one time he said I dress like a sl*t because on our holiday I was wearing crop tops and skits or that he doesn't enjoy my company and that he can't see me being the mother of his children. Or when he made it look like he had no contact with his ex but facetimed her once and they were still a bit in touch. Just really really hurtful stuff. 

He just would have these really rude condescending outbursts where I'd even cry sometimes, but then there were moments where he'd call me beautiful all the time. Where he'd be supportive of my job and my goals. Where he'd never nag me for going out with my friends, or when simply he would hug me and make me feel safe and protected. He had so many good qualities I want in a partner that maybe I think it's why I'm struggling to move on. Because even with the bad parts, I miss how loving he used to be when he wanted to. 

But he's not anymore. He doesn't want me. And I just decided to not grab my things anymore and I deleted him from Facebook and blocked him again. I still like him and honestly if he asked to get back together, I would. But, I also feel at peace knowing I did all I could. 

Today I was just a mess. Holding back my tears and feeling so lost and confused. I feel like nowadays, relationships are so shallow. You meet people on these dating apps and it's just so easy to go from one person to another. I'm more old school I guess. But I also have learned that people will always think about themselves first. No matter if they tell you they'll never hurt you or leave you... and I'm no longer putting other people first, I will also leave when it no longer suits me because I'm the stupid one who hangs around when they choose the easy way out. 

[Kwothe28]

Its OK, you are still in anger/bargaining stage of grief. You still need time to come to acceptance, but you are slowly getting there. Dont date until you do.

Also, I still fail to see why you even want that guy back. He bashed your lifestyle and you had to hide it from him, you had different views on life and he was even abusive to you using deragotary words. You were highly incompatible. When you come to "acceptance" stage you maybe see that for yourself.

Also, also, work on why you are willing to put on with somebody like that. Because just accepting somebody who was so incompatible in order to have somebody will and already has a bad effect for you. You can "bargain" over some stuff, but you were willing to put on with the guy who used an "S" word on you. That is masochistical level of approach to the relationship. 

[boltnrun]

51 minutes ago, katmisj said:

and honestly if he asked to get back together, I would.

Why? Because in between the abuse he heaped on you he was occasionally nice? Or because you absolutely cannot stand being boyfriend-less? 

Why? Do you not like yourself?

The issue isn't that the world is full of uncaring men who treat women poorly. The issue is, despite seeing a TON of evidence that these men weren't right for you, you kept trying to force the relationship. Instead of seeing the obvious and clearing out of there.

Let's say you think strawberries are OK and you like them in shortcake but by themselves they give you a stomachache. So would you try to subsist on a diet of strawberries with shortcake only being on the menu once a week? And the rest of the week you just put up with a bad stomachache? That seems silly, doesn't it?

Only you can be your own best advocate. Right now you're not doing that. Why, is something you might consider exploring with your therapist. What are you afraid of?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

one time we were debating...

It's time to delete and block him from ALL your social media, contact lists, messaging apps and devices. If you feel upset call a trusted friend or family.

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry you had such a lousy day. Are you still talking to your therapist as you feel your way through all these feelings? 

From what you've outlined here, it's very hard to understand what you found so compelling about this man, why you'd consider getting back together. I think that's really worth understanding if you want a future that looks different from the past and present. The love we experience and share with others is only ever as deep as that which we extend to ourselves. 

Looking at other threads, it's also very hard to see this as a relationship that really gelled and got off the ground, one where you two were ever actually together-together. He "chased" for three months, then you "started to open up." But did you two commit to each other? If so, what was the longest stretch you two were committed? 

I ask because four months ago, in late Nov, you were posting about hooking up with the ex that came before him, and feeling pretty shattered. Two months or so later, in Feb, you meet the guy at the bar shortly after "getting back together" with this ex. New guy is enticing, you realize this ex and you aren't working, and it ends...again. If prior to all this is the chasing period, prior to that another relationship, and in between a lot of breaking up and a hookup with an ex, I'm not quite seeing where this thing had time and space to evolve out of the choppy waters of dating and into the stiller ones of a relationship.  

I don't outline all that to negate all you're feeling, along with this guy really sucking a few different ways. Nor am I judging, having swum around in every gray zone imaginable myself and been occasionally scalded by some short stabs at romance. I'm just trying to understand what's been going on with you over the past year, and maybe help you understand it all in a way that helps you, as others are saying, to become a more authentic advocate for yourself. 

 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, katmisj said:

I want to feel nurtured, loved and cared for. I'm tired of just going through these things

But you are putting yourself through these things for far longer than you should. You stuck around when he treated you poorly and berated you. You stuck around when he treated this like a relationship of convenience rather than one of true desire. 

It's hard when we want so badly for someone to care, but at some point, you have to stop wasting your own time on poor investments. 

 

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, katmisj said:

I think so, yeah. At least it's what my intention initially was. And then it turned into just wanting to get closure and open up about my feelings but I just always feel like I am not listened to. He just does not care. 

 

And I can certainly agree on here. I met my ex in a moment where I wasn't feeling very good. I was trying to meet other people and forcing myself to move on. He just ended up being this guy who was seeking a relationship and spent 3 months "chasing" me, which led me to feel very safe and secure and I started opening up. But that's the only reason why we started dating in the first place, because I was not open for a relationship at the time. 

But then he ended up leaving just like everybody else and I am still grieving and I feel a lot of emotions. I feel anger and frustration mostly, and I'm letting myself feel these feelings. From the last moments I spoke to him he would constantly say "just move on, get over it". As if a month is enough time to get over a relationship. I told him, maybe for you it's easy because you can just get on an app and look through a catalogue of women and decide which one you'll pick to make her feel safe and loved like you did with me. But with me, it's a bit different, I am very suspicious of who I let into my life. I guess the fact that he wants a relationship just makes it easier for him to find someone else and that's why he's treating me like this. Because, you know, there's so many options out there, why would you invest on someone you got bored of? 

I honestly would rather be alone if dating someone new means another heartbreak. I am done with these "life lessons" and "learning experiences". I want to feel nurtured, loved and cared for. I'm tired of just going through these things just to "learn". I have decided to take a step back from meeting people because I am actually fine on my own and just the thought of opening up to someone new and having the person hurt me is something I am not willing to go through any time soon. 

I am having a very hard time because I keep rationalising everything, the good and the bad moments. I could list these bad things he'd say to me such as: 

"I don't want to eat your disgusting vegan food" - at the time we met, I was vegetarian and then slowly started eating fish again so he'd only let me cook fish for him, but he took me to a vegan restaurant on our second date and always said how he thinks I'm awesome for being vegan and then with time he would always make me feel bad for my eating choices claiming he "cared about my health". It got to a point where I would even lie about what I ate just so he wouldn't say anything bad. Like "I ate fish" instead of saying I had tofu for lunch or smth. 

We had different political views but I was always open to listening to things from his perspective and he did open my eyes to some things but the other way around he'd say "I don't respect your views and your opinion". He wouldn't even listen to me without bashing me. He was talking to a woman - who he claimed he was friends with - behind my back and sending her memes and when I questioned him he said "well, if I send them to you, you don't laugh at them". He would always make me feel bad if I wasn't the whole package, it's like if I didn't have the same political views or didn't eat meat, it didn't matter how loving, caring and respectful I was. 

Or, one time we were debating about feminism and I told him about this work I did in college about women and as soon as I started explaining what it was he said "oh that's such garbage" and wouldn't even let me finish my sentence and let me explain something I spent a whole year studying. 

Or how one time he said I dress like a sl*t because on our holiday I was wearing crop tops and skits or that he doesn't enjoy my company and that he can't see me being the mother of his children. Or when he made it look like he had no contact with his ex but facetimed her once and they were still a bit in touch. Just really really hurtful stuff. 

He just would have these really rude condescending outbursts where I'd even cry sometimes, but then there were moments where he'd call me beautiful all the time. Where he'd be supportive of my job and my goals. Where he'd never nag me for going out with my friends, or when simply he would hug me and make me feel safe and protected. He had so many good qualities I want in a partner that maybe I think it's why I'm struggling to move on. Because even with the bad parts, I miss how loving he used to be when he wanted to. 

But he's not anymore. He doesn't want me. And I just decided to not grab my things anymore and I deleted him from Facebook and blocked him again. I still like him and honestly if he asked to get back together, I would. But, I also feel at peace knowing I did all I could. 

Today I was just a mess. Holding back my tears and feeling so lost and confused. I feel like nowadays, relationships are so shallow. You meet people on these dating apps and it's just so easy to go from one person to another. I'm more old school I guess. But I also have learned that people will always think about themselves first. No matter if they tell you they'll never hurt you or leave you... and I'm no longer putting other people first, I will also leave when it no longer suits me because I'm the stupid one who hangs around when they choose the easy way out. 

You've seen his true character and you get to walk away from it. There's no need to reach out to him anymore. Don't look to him for comfort. 

And it is ok to be teary and to cry. Relationships can be shallow but I think ultimately it's you and what you make of them. If this meant a great deal to you, that doesn't change, regardless of what the other person turned out to be. 

It's true that most people are very selfish and usually looking to see what they can get out of a situation first. That's why it takes time to build friendships and relationships. People reveal themselves over time and there's no way to shorten that process. Take your time and don't overinvest in people who don't value you or your time.

[Cherylyn]

Several of my acquaintances remarried after they finished raising a family.  I've noticed that they suddenly enjoy their freedom, time and extra money to take vacations, splurge on purchases and have more time for themselves. 

They're no longer having to cook for young dependents, chauffeur them everywhere, no longer involved in their children's school life, don't have to supervise homework, no longer in extracurricular activities, there are less errands and chores to do.  It's wonderful.  Naturally, there's more brain space, time, money and freedom to do as they please. 

By middle age, mortgages are paid off, there's no more constant financial struggle and there's less stress.  These types of couples have growing bank accounts, dine out more and do whatever they please at their leisure without time constraints.

Even if many younger parents have the means and squeeze in some time for outings, many are burned out and prefer to rest before the vicious cycle of madness starts up all over again. 

Many times,  happiness depends on which stage in life you're at. 

I'm sorry for your angst.   I agree with you.  It's good to do things on your own or with friends.