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[ECP]

My girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago. At the time we were both very emotional, upset and crying. She told me she loves me very much and wanted to be with me. Then we did not have any contact for about a month. When we did start texting again, she was very distant, matter-of-fact and cold. Which is a complete 180 from her. She is normally a very kind gentle and emotional woman. She tells me that she has healed herself and is moving forward. It just seems like such odd behavior for her because as I said it is a complete 180 of how she normally is. We have dated for 10 years. We did take a couple breaks in between at times but always got back together.  I’m distraught because the break up was mostly because of me. I won’t get into the details of that but she was always very loving and caring and now she just seems the complete opposite and I feel hopeless like there’s no chance we will get back together again and I truly want her back in my life. I should say I am probably a bit older than most people on here. She’s 50 and I am 60. Although I am a young some might say slightly immature 60 and do not look my age. Our age gap never was an issue. We have a lot of the same interests. Music, hiking, dinner, shows etc. We enjoy a lot of the same things. 

[Rose Mosse]

Stop/go, hot/cold, on/off are all signs of a train wreck and serious incompatibilities. There’s no reason why she or anyone else should put up with inconsistent behaviour. It’s too bad you both couldn’t keep it constant and rely on one another. 

In a world of chaos and inconsistencies, having a partner who is on the same page and reliable is priceless. Since you won’t talk about what caused the break up there’s very little else to comment about your situation.

Treat this as a lesson learned and don’t make the same mistakes in new relationships.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, ECP said:

We have dated for 10 years. We did take a couple breaks in between at times but always got back together.  I’m distraught because the break up was mostly because of me. 

Why did you end things? There must be considerable incompatibilities if you keep needing to break up. On/off relationships are usually due to overattachment combined with chronic unresolved conflicts.

Do either of you have adult children? Do either of you want to marry or live together?

[smackie9]

That last breakup probably took a real toll on her so she had time to re-evaluate this relationship...took a good hard look at what happened and where she is at with this. After 10 years of breakups, uncertainty she's looking for something more stable/reliable/different. She's not getting any younger so she's turned a new leaf and wants to move on with her life. 

[DancingFool]

Sounds a bit like you took her kindness for granted and are now shocked to realize that this time it's really over and she is really done. Kind people can and do go cold once you break their patience.

Since this has been on/off kind of a thing, it's probably best for the both of you to stay in the off permanently ( not that it's even a choice now).Healthy relationships are not on/off. If you were the cause of the off's, then work on yourself so that next time you meet a woman who will love you and be with you, you are a good partner to her as well. Don't take her for granted as that never works out in the long run.

 

[MissCanuck]

Sooner or later, people reach their breaking point. 

Taking breaks and getting back together is damaging to a relaitonship. Eventually, one of those breaks was bound to become permanant. It means that you two don't work as a couple. 

Her apparent coldness is her way of communicating that it really is over this time. 

[ECP]

I ended it because I felt like I was hurting her. ButI truly love her. I just didn’t seem to be able commit because I live with such guilt from my divorce like if I am happy and love someone else I am betraying my children. I know it’s an irrational thought but that was my biggest issue. Deep down inside I wanted to live with her and eventually marry her and she felt the same. I suppose I could use some therapy and I’m looking now. I’m hopeful that one day we can get back together.  The drastic change in her is extremely unusual based on the person that I have know all these years. It was just a month ago she was crying in my arms. Scary to see such a change in her in short period of time. It’s very unlike her personality.  Which of course makes it seem hopeless.  I know from the way that she treated me when we were together that she really loves me. And I was speaking with her on the phone a few days ago and again we were both crying of course I was pouring my heart out to her and she was saying why couldn’t you say these things and tell me these feelings before why do you wait till we break up. So when I started getting the text messages from her which were very cold and matter of fact I was really surprised by the extreme change in her attitude. Knowing her it is very odd behavior. Maybe shes just trying to be strong.  Maybe she’s hoping I will get some therapy to correct my behavior. I recently spoke with my children about my feelings and was actually shocked because they never even thought that way. They just want me to be happy. It was my own thinking. I put it in my head. I always seem to be more concerned about what everybody else thinks of her and I rather than what I think of her.  

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, ECP said:

I recently spoke with my children about my feelings and was actually shocked because they never even thought that way. 

Surely they are adults and after 10 years know about her. Don't blame it it on your kids or guilt.

You're just not being honest with yourself. You don't want to get  screwed in another divorce. Interestingly you created a self-fulfilling prophecy and now you're alone again.

Did you marriage end because of cheating?

Is this woman divorced? Does she have adult children? 

Stringing someone along for 10 years is not a good idea.

[bluecastle]

16 minutes ago, ECP said:

I ended it because I felt like I was hurting her. ButI truly love her. I just didn’t seem to be able commit because I live with such guilt from my divorce like if I am happy and love someone else I am betraying my children.

Reading this, I can only imagine what a toll these 10 years have been for her. She's an adult, she choose to keep investing with you even as you stayed on the fence, consumed more by guilt than by her, and that's a choice she's going to have to come to terms with on her own.

Still, a toll is a toll. While you're now here longing for her familiar affection, she's here feeling the peace of no longer being beholden to what's familiar for her: battling through your guilt and second thoughts for sustained affection and commitment.

I suspect the "180" you're encountering is her feeling more empowered and less reliant on you emotionally, sad as that is to contemplate. People, even the most kindhearted, have limits. Sounds like what you're calling her coldness is her filling up her tank, while you're accustomed to her emptying it on you, you two. 

16 minutes ago, ECP said:

I recently spoke with my children about my feelings and was actually shocked because they never even thought that way. They just want me to be happy. It was my own thinking. I put it in my head.

This is wonderful, if understandably bittersweet. Keep leaning into this, as it's what will allow you to experience something it sounds like you didn't get to experience over the past decade: genuine emotional availability. That is a gift, and hopefully you can come to see it as such, even if it comes with this loss. 

 

[boltnrun]

Eventually most people get tired of being taken for granted.

[Batya33]

She may have loving feelings for you and she's had enough of your back and forth.  Finally she's done and so she's keeping her emotional distance.  I'm sorry you're unavailable for a commitment and you haven't done the work and instead kept up this back and forth stuff -your actions are what matters not the psychoanalysis of why you keep choosing fear over her. 

She was sad when she cried in your arms.  Then she had enough of tears, perhaps finally realized she wasn't going to be in a "relationship" this volatile and her feelings changed -her feelings towards herself, her feelings about her boundaries.  And maybe in that month she was in touch with a man who she felt was going to treat her with respect and like she mattered and who wasn't afraid enough to keep pushing her away. Or maybe she had the dream of such a person in her future.  Feelings can change really fast especially when someone is pushed away like that.

But please don't assume she's going to be available to you again.  I'd move on.  Leave her be.

[MissCanuck]

17 hours ago, ECP said:

I was really surprised by the extreme change in her attitude. Knowing her it is very odd behavior.

That's what happens sometimes, OP. 

As she's processing the very end of this, she is unlikely to be the warm and affectionate person you have come to expect of her. You two will grow apart.  I think she is emotionally distancing herself from you so she can start this new chapter of her life. She wants to move on and likely isn't feeling very charitable towards you anymore. I can't say I blame her, if you still couldn't get past the guilt of your divorce in 10 years together. 

It is best to let go of her now. 

[Rose Mosse]

Leave your kids out of it. Your issues may be about them but it’s not their burden to bear knowing you feel sad and broken-hearted about your break up because of them.

Do sign up for therapy and speak about your issues there. 

You haven’t healed after your divorce and need a qualified therapist to help you - not a girlfriend, not your kids to walk you through this. 

[catfeeder]

What's the guilt about the divorce--were you involved with this woman while you were still married to your ex wife?

[Tanzi]

On 3/22/2022 at 8:10 PM, ECP said:

I just didn’t seem to be able commit because I live with such guilt from my divorce 

Maybe, after 10 years, she has finally had enough of living in the shadow of your previous marriage … and you can’t really blame her.  It sounds to me like she’s doesn’t want to live another 10 years like that.

She has made her decision, all you can do is respect that.

Maybe you should take this time to reflect on why you have continued to feel this guilt. You’ve stayed stuck in that place for ten long years. Could you still be emotionally connected to your ex-wife in some way? 

[waffle]

On 3/22/2022 at 4:10 PM, ECP said:

I live with such guilt from my divorce like if I am happy and love someone else I am betraying my children.

Or your ex-wife?  Are you still in love with her?