Wondering why some men lose all that exciting interest in you after sex.

[katmisj]

I was at a bar last month and this guy, who is 4 years younger than me (I usually date older men) came up to me and we started chatting. We honestly had the best time, we chatted for hours to no end, we had so much in common and there was certainly chemistry and physical attraction. I told him I had just gotten back together with my ex and I had to respect him and backed off a bit. But for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about him and decided to let my ex go, our relationship was already on its end and it was for the best. Both of us actually made the decision. We loved each other but were miserable as a couple and he no longer wanted to put in the effort to make it work. 

This guy then spent lots of time pursuing me, chatting to me, being funny and I felt something different there. Usually when guys hit on me, 90% of the time I don't care. But I did with him. I had such a fun time that night and I wanted more. He has this feminine, artistic, musical side to him which I love and connects with me in such a way I didn't have with my ex boyfriend at all. My ex and I broke up and told him I wanted to see him, and so we did. 

We met over the weekend and spent an amazing time drinking, dancing, chatting and then on the last day we slept together and we had sex and I just felt like we clicked. I felt ALIVE, like I hadn't felt in a long time. I legit just had the best time ever. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him on the first dates and he respected me. I did have a feeling that after sleeping together he would be distant. But we did agree on catching up again soon. When we woke up he left my house, he said: I can't wait to see you again on Saturday. (this Saturday that will be coming)

And then the next day he didn't text me... but that was ok, we don't have anything so kind of expected. On the second day I posted something on instagram and he replied, and I thought that would be the start of a new convo and I tried interacting and making questions a bit, but he was really bland and cold. Whereas before he would always try to be funny, chat and get to know me. The sexual tension certainly died down, I really wanted to have sex with him and after that I felt less "curious", but I still have interest in getting to know him more. 

Please don't take this as a desperate post or that I'm crazy to be in a relationship again. I know I wasn't "seeing" things. We did have chemistry and I am also happy to begin this journey being single as I feel like I haven't taken care of myself these past months but I also had a good time with this guy and even though he might not have felt the same, which is fine, it's still confusing that he'd want to see me again but kind of be short and distant during the week. 

This might just be a classical case of him lusting or idealising someone. I'm 28, I've had all types of relationships, from intense, to love-bombing, to slow and calm, to just sex... I know not to get my hopes up or idealize anything, but he came out as this guy who said he didn't want to be led on if I was with someone else when I told him about my ex so to me it didn't seem like he just wanted sex.

But since I was fully honest with him about my ex partner etc I was expecting him to be honest as well? Like why reach out if you have no intention of talking to me anymore or seeing me? Or maybe be honest and say you don't want to see me anymore?

Lol I know I'm overthinking. I don't show that to him at all, but I do feel a bit bad because I'm wondering if I did anything wrong that made him distant... I don't know if I should just wait a few days and ask if he actually wants to meet up and then if he doesn't maybe I'll just say that it's best to end it here because I don't want to get hurt. It's been a month since we know each other, I don't want to linger on something that might just hurt me. 

[Batya33]

Lots of people change their minds after one or a few dates. Whether or not sex is involved. He might have felt chemistry and attraction and for many reasons or no reason at all he changed his mind about wanting to date you again .

Sometimes if the dynamic is one person chasing another, the one who chased realizes it was mostly the thrill of the chase and loses interest once the prize is won.  Like here -for whatever reason you enjoyed having him chase you, you enjoyed fending him off and perhaps that was part of the thrill and chemistry for him. You had sex early on. That is a risk sometimes because you two weren't committed and barely knew each other so it can complicate things and without a strong foundation if there are doubts after many just decide not to continues.  You chose to get drunk which means you two really weren't getting to know each other despite feeling chemistry. 

It's fine to have casual sex.  Downside is you might feel more attached and have more expectations just because intercourse was involved.  

You seem to be kind of invested in how men pursue you and you dismiss them.  Do you like being chased? Saying no to a date and then being chased?  I understand you told him you weren't ready for sex and that's totally fine but you were shortly after and were comfortable getting drunk and having casual sex.  As was he.  There was no plan for another date so assume if so there is no other date. It was a fun fling, turns out.  Maybe he saw potential at first but again it was a dynamic fueled by him chasing you and you deciding whether it he was worth going on a date with him while you let him pursue you.  That can work out great and it's also risky -the dynamic is risky especially since you went from having him chase you to you having sex with him early on. It's a bit head spinning.

I don't think he led you on -there wasn't time for that -it was a lot of hot pursuit through typing and talking and you then deciding he was worthy of a date and drunken sex.  You're not crazy or desperate just a bit misguided and not taking enough responsibility for your own choices.

Since you got more attached after sex my suggestion is if you're looking for long term find someone you're interested in who is interested in you, go on dates in public, sober, get to know the person overall, kiss, make out, be flirty, sexual but perhaps hold off on sex till you know each other well and choose to have sex once there is commitment and future potential -and do it sober-it's so much more satisfying and meaningful IMO.  But that's if you really want long term -not if you just want to be chased and pursued and then "give in". 

[katmisj]

I wouldn't say I like the chase because I've had quite a few men "chase" me and I'd turn them down mostly because I had no interest. I'd say in the last 2 years there were only 3 men which I was interested in (including this guy from the post) apart from my ex. All the other ones were casual or either they wanted more and I didn't, to which I have always been honest about. 

It's just, this guy just made me feel different. I am an electronic music DJ. The day we met, I was playing at this venue and after I played, my friends were playing and me and him just chatted for maybe 3,4 hours straight and it was really fun. He texted me later saying "I had such an amazing time with you I can't explain". We didn't kiss or anything but there was just a lot of sexual tension between us and just a full on connection.

He likes dancing, painting, talking about finances, Japanese movies, we have so so so many things in common (I know that means "nothing"), but I think it made both of us infatuated. 

His style and the things he likes... just something about him got to me. Unlike 95% of the men I hang out with. And it made me feel those silly "butterflies in my stomach". BUT, I do know that this means nothing. I've had intense relationships in my life and they meant "nothing" as they didn't last, but obvisouly I wanted to give this a go. 

On the night we had sex, we were sober, we were just laying down watching a movie and it happened... he kept saying how he wanted to meet up later and when we kissed goodbye he said "So, I'll see you this Saturday?" which I agreed to. So technically, we have another date sorted for this weekend. But I noticed how distant he is and now I'm just feeling a bit disappointed. 

I had sex on my third date with my ex, the next day he was there. And the next one. And the next one. And that lasted for almost a year, and I know that if I call my ex up he'll be there for me. He was the most amazing guy I've ever been with but we just weren't compatible. And this whole ordeal makes me miss him because with him I didn't have this. It was straight to the point. He wanted something serious and he wasn't messing around. Now with this guy I don't even know if I should just tell him not to see each other again.

Something I felt with this guy I didn't feel with my ex. We'd cry-laugh at silly things, we actually had a fun time. We cooked dinner together... It was quite romantic. 

I guess he doesn't owe me anything, but I remember him telling me he didn't want to be led on if I was emotionally involved with someone else, why would someone say that if he only wanted sex? 

I feel like nowadays, in dating, you can't just be fully yourself sometimes. I was just myself. I had fun, had sex, got drunk, made food, watched a movie and I had a great time. I held off sex until I could because I was scared I wouldn't see him again but I also craved it and gave in at a certain point. 

But it does make me question the legitimacy of these moments. Was I the only one having fun? Did I do something wrong? 

I guess I just have to let him know that I don't want this to continue as something casual because I know I'll get hurt. I feel very frustrated. Not because I was looking for a relationship. I wasn't expecting this guy at all. Usually the men I meet cause nothing in me. He did... argh

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, katmisj said:

I'm 28, I've had all types of relationships, from intense, to love-bombing, to slow and calm, to just sex...

Which type of situation do you want to have with him? Discontinue chitchatting on social media this much. Just invite him over for dinner. If he replies great, if not you had a great weekend.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

But it does make me question the legitimacy of these moments. Was I the only one having fun? Did I do something wrong? 

 

I would say "no" to both of those questions. He was having fun too and dont think you did something wrong.

However, you would need to separate the words and actions. Some people would say anything to get you into sack. That doesnt make their words true. That is why you look at actions. If he is pulling away after doing the deed, he was aftering just one thing. 

Also, you still have a date over weekend so who knows. However, you really should be careful who you trust. We dont know the person who we are with until we seriously get to know them. You talked to a guy couple of times, you had fun and ended up in bed. He could be what he says he is. Or he could be serious player. If you want to know that, you need to get to know him first. So I suggest next time you spend more time on that and less on having fun, if you dont want similar things to happen again. 

[Rose Mosse]

No need to wait. Just carry on. My guess is he’s standing back and distant because he senses you’re vulnerable emotionally after a break up. Most people will draw back from this in a very pragmatic sense as they don’t want drama or anything too complicated. You both don’t quite know one another so treat this as a good time and be busy doing other things. 

The more hung up you are about him and needing his company the more wary the other person becomes. Let him come to you if he wants and decide later whether you like him at all. 

[bluecastle]

3 hours ago, katmisj said:

in such a way I didn't have with my ex

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

apart from my ex

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

I know that if I call my ex up he'll be there for me

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

And this whole ordeal makes me miss him

1 hour ago, katmisj said:

Something I felt with this guy I didn't feel with my ex.

Sorry you're dealing with this. 

I quote the above because I can't help but think a lot of what you're feeling right now is far more connected to your ex than to this guy. Seems almost from the start what was appealing about him is that he represented a new path, a level of thrill and connection that you were yearning for, and not getting, with your ex. A taste of something new can be very powerful after eating the same thing for a year, to the point where it can be hard to remember there is a difference between a bite and meal. 

I also quote the above because I can't help but wonder if this new guy senses you're fresh out of something, still in the place where anyone new in your life is going to be immediately compared to your ex. When new person is great? Your breakup is affirmed. When new person lets you down? Ex is missed, a headspace you've just outlined above. Given that most people just want to be seen as people, not pluses and minuses on an ex comparison test, perhaps he's just tapping the brakes a bit now that his own hormones aren't steering the ship. 

Maybe this goes nowhere. Maybe it goes somewhere. Time will tell, and if at the end of the day he gave you what you needed to let go of a relationship that wasn't serving you—well, that's a gift, as is a fun, frolicsome evening. All in all, I think you're in a bit of an adjustment period, leaving the world of a relationship and entering the world of dating. It's different. And most people interested in a relationship are going to be a bit hesitant about someone just out of one. 

If you're still on for Saturday, or want to reach out and clarify that, all good. No need to overthink. You've done nothing wrong. See how things go, accepting they could go a million different directions, including nowhere. Remove your ex from the equation and this dude is just a human being you hardly know, and who hardly knows you. Sex doesn't change that. Often it accentuates it, as seems to be the case here on both sides.  

 

[smackie9]

It's the music, alcohol, exciting fun atmosphere that gets into the brain that makes one think/ everything is so amazing...being all pumped up...BUT when the music stops and the bright lights come on, sobering up, etc that energy/perspective dissipates. Been there done that. realizing hmmmmm this person isn't really who I made them out to be. 

[waffle]

Simply put, women are thinking straight before sex, and men are not--they are on a mission.  After sex it flips, men start thinking straight (due to a "mission accomplished" mindset which can be conscious or subconscious) and women are not--they are on a mission.

He has no reason to pursue you anymore because it's, again, Mission Accomplished.

[Batya33]

Just now, waffle said:

Simply put, women are thinking straight before sex, and men are not--they are on a mission.  After sex it flips, men start thinking straight (due to a "mission accomplished" mindset which can be conscious or subconscious) and women are not--they are on a mission.

He has no reason to pursue you anymore because it's, again, Mission Accomplished.

I think that's true of some people who have casual sex -men and women who view sex as a mission.  I don't think it's gender specific but more situational specific.  Most of my partners -we were serious, committed and in love with serious potential for marriage before we had sex- waited months or longer.  It was not a mission to be accomplished just that we were ready to have intercourse and were in love and committed. 

With 2 of my partners I felt somewhat pressured to have sex earlier than when I was ready - after about two months - I chose to but with hesitancy.  In one case he never was in love with me or said so (but we were exclusive) and in the other case it was just too soon and we were exclusive.  Each of those relationships lasted 5 months.  

I don't think it's fair to label men in this way at all. I think in the OP's case it was what I suggested and some others -it was for him the thrill of the chase over and above what they had in common initially - and choosing to get drunk added to the excitement.

[tattoobunnie]

Hit it, then, quit it.  It happens.  Anyone would said I got back together with an ex, and broke up again is a prime target to make a getaway after doing the deed.  He sweet talked you until he got what he wanted.  Nothing wrong with one night stands...but if you don't want them, don't have them.  A person sees how little it takes, and puts you into that category.

[waffle]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think it's fair to label men in this way at all. I think in the OP's case it was what I suggested and some others -it was for him the thrill of the chase over and above what they had in common initially - and choosing to get drunk added to the excitement.

Let me know when scores of men start posting here saying that they've been pursued for sex despite telling her they wanting to wait, and once they gave in, and are now wondering if the woman was only after one thing (sex).

I mean, it does happen especially if the guy is looking for Round Two (if he's not looking for a repeat he usually doesn't notice her absence), but it's rare and they almost never think they've been used for sex.

[Coily]

It's all about the head space that hormones create. As others have states it's a lot about the chase, the crude cliche about notches on the head board apply. Though it's not restricted to one sex or the other.

If you want something meaningful stand by that, and express it clearly. If one gets a stirring in the loins, make sure you both know the impact of that stirring. If either just plow ahead with sex and then have different reactions, well it's bad communications and everything falls apart. Honestly sex is less a part of the equation as it is the emotional aspects.

[Batya33]

Just now, waffle said:

Let me know when scores of men start posting here saying that they've been pursued for sex despite telling her they wanting to wait, and once they gave in, and are now wondering if the woman was only after one thing (sex).

I mean, it does happen especially if the guy is looking for Round Two (if he's not looking for a repeat he usually doesn't notice her absence), but it's rare and they almost never think they've been used for sex.

I don't care who posts what.  I wrote my opinion above, I'm tired of men being stereotyped in this way -it's not a good look, it devalues those men who are not on a mission and see sex as an expression of commitment and love or sex as casual fun but not as you put it, mission-based.  I did write some men and some women do what you described.  It's not about gender.  And the people who do this are not using anyone if it's a casual, consensual encounter.  Nothing wrong with casual sex -some people who pursue it see it as a prize to win and once they win the person over they're bored.  Often it's men not women cause men can't get pregnant -less of a risk.  

[Coily]

1 minute ago, waffle said:

Let me know when scores of men start posting here saying that they've been pursued for sex despite telling her they wanting to wait, and once they gave in, and are now wondering if the woman was only after one thing (sex).

I mean, it does happen especially if the guy is looking for Round Two (if he's not looking for a repeat he usually doesn't notice her absence), but it's rare and they almost never think they've been used for sex.

I have been on a few occasions just used for sex. I wanted a long term relationship, and these women just wanted a romp. It happens probably more than you want to know.

[boltnrun]

I haven't "used" a man for sex but I have been involved in a sex only situation. At one point  the guy kind of tried to act like a boyfriend to me but he's completely inappropriate for any kind of relationship. So I basically ignored his attempts and just had sex with him. He got over it pretty quickly and just enjoyed the sex.

In this case, OP, do you have a confirmed date for this weekend? You two have settled on an exact day, time and location? If so, see how that goes. If it's just a Netflix and chill, you're probably heading toward a sex only situation rather than an actual dating, boyfriend and girlfriend type relationship. If that's what you're interested in, then no problem. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, katmisj said:

Wondering why some men lose all that exciting interest in you after sex.

Unfortunately anyone can lose interest before or after sex. If you mean coming on with heavy flirting that may tone down after sex but if he wants a relationship sex will not deter him.

[katmisj]

I was going to reply to a few topics but I'll just respond in general. 

I was fully honest with him from the start. I told him I am eventually looking for a relationship (not necessarily with him), but I do have the desire to have a family and children someday. I'm not afraid of being honest. I'm not afraid of telling him the truth. My ex was like this from the start and I learned a lot from him. I am not 20 anymore, I don't like playing games, it's a waste of everyone's time. 

We didn't talk about us or where we were heading but he did go on about how he still wanted to spend the next weekend (this one that will come) with me and how he wanted to go to different restaurants with me etc. It's not like he acted as if we were never seeing each other again. I know he might have said that to "be nice" or to have sex with me, but it's just not what it seemed like. 

I would even say even I don't think I want to see him again because I was so happy over the fun time we had that I thought it was legit and know I just feel a bit silly for giving into sex thinking this guy was actually into me, my personality and my tastes since we did get along and have a lot in common. 

I understand he might be a bit wary of me coming out of a relationship but then if that was the case he would've just dropped it the moment I met him and told him about it, but instead he went on for almost a month, he seemed interested in getting to know me, but now looking back I just feel like he was infatuated by an older woman who's a DJ and producer and is into arts and music like him.

I had a guy once who spent almost 3 months talking to me everyday, asking about my life etc, the moment I went to his house and slept with him, the next day he messaged me and then ghosted me. At least this guy didn't ghost me and he seems like a deep down nice person in general but I wouldn't say I would be surprised if he did after experiences I've had with men. 

And yes in a way it does make me miss my ex. Because he was the only one serious about me, I'd say in my whole entire life to be honest. He was the real deal, he wanted to have a family and have a future. Unfortunately, he seemed to have fallen out of love of me as I desperately tried to keep the relationship together and now things have changed. 

Getting back into dating is reminding me a good person I lost but also frustrating when I meet someone I feel a connection with and feel like this person is really into me, they're just "using" me. I thought having fun together and connecting would be an indicator or a good relationship start, or at least that you want to get to know the person more. 

To be honest, the fact that I came here and wrote about this already takes the fun out of it. With my ex, I had no doubt he wanted to be with me, I didn't have to write any long texts. I just knew. And now I'm actually questioning if I want to continue something that already makes me feel uneasy and the answer is probably no no matter how much of a good time I had. I guess it's just really really hard to find someone you connect with and when you do and the person doesn't feel the same way it's a bit demotivating. Ah well...

[boltnrun]

So, it's Wednesday. When do you expect a plan for the weekend date to be confirmed?

If he suggests some version of "Netflix and chill" (a sex weekend), are you going to be satisfied with that?

[katmisj]

Just now, boltnrun said:

So, it's Wednesday. When do you expect a plan for the weekend date to be confirmed?

If he suggests some version of "Netflix and chill" (a sex weekend), are you going to be satisfied with that?

I'm expecting around Friday, since we agreed on catching up Saturday. I think Friday would be a good day to just sort it out so I can also plan my weekend as well. I remember he'd say before "I can't wait to see you again" etc, and now he's just very meh. I think I wouldn't be very happy with Netflix and chill, I'd actually would rather go on a date, wherever it is. We can finish at my house but I feel like it's soon to have the relationship talk but also not too soon because I don't want to waste my time? I don't mind having something casual with a man, but I don't want something casual with someone I might develop feelings for, which is the case with him. 

I also feel like if you show you have feelings for someone you're being desperate and needy. My ex was like this in the beginning and I thought it was sweet and made it very clear what he wanted. No games, nothing. It was easy to deal with and I guess getting back into dating makes me bored with these situations where I feel like it's easier to figure out Rubik's cube than what is going on through a person's mind. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, katmisj said:

We didn't talk about us or where we were heading but he did go on about how he still wanted to spend the next weekend with me and how he wanted to go to different restaurants with me etc. It's not like he acted as if we were never seeing each other again.

Ok,  just see where it leads. He doesn't seem to be losing interest. You may not be ready to date, but he seems to be.

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, katmisj said:

guess it's just really really hard to find someone you connect with and when you do and the person doesn't feel the same way it's a bit demotivating. Ah well...

It is really hard.  And sometimes patience is a virtue. Meaning for long term gain avoid the risk of having sex too soon and choosing to get drunk and choosing the consequences with someone you barely know -consequence being it hampers your decision making and means you're not really getting to know this brand new person.  You connected with him as a matter of first impression really. 

You don't really know him, you haven't seen how he is when he is sick, when he gets a promotion or fired, how he is around his friends, families, waitstaff (I mean consistently, over time), different seasons, on vacation, different holidays, when you are sick, when you are under stress or hangry, when you get a promotion -all of this means getting to know someone over a long period of time to see if the connection is there in real life, real events, real life happenings.  

It doesn't mean he doesn't feel the same way.  He might feel connected and sexually attracted and maybe he realized there wasn't enough there for the long term or he met someone else at the same time, heard from his ex, found religion, etc.  You had big expectations based on the "connection" and the lead up, his chasing of you, etc.  Manage those expectations by getting to know someone over a long period of time.

Dating is hard.  If your general goals are marriage and family to me it's more than worth it.  

Also as per your title -the "exciting interest" is really fun and awesome and yes of course should be there. But you want long term interest.  Long term is not always exciting, there's often no more push and pull-no more chasing like you had him do until you decided to agree to see him - but it's long term, steady, stable, based on real long lasting stuff.  That's the real interest.

[bluecastle]

I think you'd benefit from taking a few thousand deep breaths right about now. Seriously, try a few. 

All in all, it seems you're spinning around because he is not behaving in exactly the way your ex did early on, or in exactly the way you hoped he would after a saucy entanglement, which has triggered in you an avalanche of complicated feelings: about your ex, about unfortunate experiences with men in the past, that are now being projected onto the present in technicolor.  

He is not those men. He's just a guy you barely know. If dude is still chatting with you, if you two are still going to see each other this weekend—well, great. And if you can't quite see it like that—well, all that is on you, not him. 

What comes across in your posts is a certain volatility of feeling, a quickness in deciding he's no longer into you, was "using" you, and so forth. Where's that come from, do you think? I'd reflect on that a bit—and maybe the ways sleeping with someone quickly doesn't contribute positively to that tendency—because it's the kind of thing that will make sustained connection with anyone really challenging. 

[boltnrun]

38 minutes ago, katmisj said:

I think I wouldn't be very happy with Netflix and chill, I'd actually would rather go on a date, wherever it is.

So how about you suggest a date type activity? What do you think would not only be fun but would give you two a chance to talk and get to know one another better?

[smackie9]

Legitimate dates hopefully means getting to know you. And that's all you can really expect at this point. I agree, just breathe....relax, go with the flow.