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Long distance uncertainty?


Lillove
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Am feeling very sad, any words of advice or consolation would be very appreciated 😞

I've been talking to a guy i met on bumble that lives a ferry ride away from me for the last 3 months; I checked in with him very early on in the talking stage whether long distance is an issue or deal breaker for him and he said it isn't. We've been vibing amazingly and he's been reffering to me as his "prospective girlfriend", making me assume he's waiting for us to meet before we make it official. 

We finally met on monday; I went to the island and stayed over for 3 amazing days; just the absolute best, we got along well, had lots of fun, tons of cuddles. 

I then brought up the relationship question and he hit me with the "I don't know; it's complicated because of the distance". I asked him again if the distance is an issue for him, and he said "not emotionally but semantically" in that he's busy with school and im busy with work and that this is why he tends to avoid online and long distance relationships.. he said he needs time to think about how he feels and that he really likes me but doesn't have an answer for me right now. 

I feel very confused and honestly a bit strung along; I've made it clear that I am okay with a long distance as it is very easy for me to book time off to go see him and that I'm in no urgency or rush to date other people just because of distance. I'm really not even asking for much other than to keep vibing how we have been but just with the comfort that we are exclusively vibing with each other. 

So now I wait I guess with the potential that he will tell me he doesn't want to pursue the relationship because of the distance even though he likes me and wants to be with me ? Idk..I really like this guy and am just really sad and confused about the whole thing. 

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I'm sorry about this. He knew all this about the distance before he met.  He just didn't tell you. He's probably using it as an excuse. He is not that into you in person -he likes you and enjoyed meeting you but likely doesn't see potential to take it further.  I'm sorry!!

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He can vibe with someone else and have sex closer to home however. Did you agree to be exclusive in any way?

He's not reciprocating what you need or want in this situation so start being a bit more realistic with yourself, harsh even if you need to. You've been building up a fantasy for awhile believing that he may be on the same page. Don't continue down this path. 

If you like keep in contact but keep it light and go about meeting other dates. There's nothing exclusive about talking to a pen pal or meeting as friends now and then. You both are friendly but there's nothing there and you're not dating or in a relationship so don't save yourself for this man "exclusively". 

You may like him quite a lot but not like what he has to offer and that is perfectly ok.

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9 hours ago, Lillove said:

  he hit me with the "I don't know; it's complicated because of the distance". I asked him again if the distance is an issue for him, and he said "not emotionally but semantically" 

Sorry this happened. Whenever someone contacts you from this type of distance, it's a red flag 🚩.

Unfortunately you did all the investing, traveling, work and pursuing. He just sat back and had a 3 day no strings hookup.

Delete and block him. He doesn't want a relationship.

Start talking to and meeting local men you can see on a regular basis if you want a relationship.

Try not to get overinvolved and overinvested in "vibing" online because it's faux intimacy.

Right now you're penpals who hooked up for a weekend. It's not a relationship because it's not what he's looking for.

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Just an excuse OP. You met him online, its not far fetched that you are not the only girl he talks too. I am sorry, but is how it is. To you it was magical, to him, probably not so much. Or just doesnt want to date seriously in general. Anyway, I wouldnt be bothered that much, it happens. Leave it there and just continue with life. There is trully no need to wait for him after an answer like that.

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13 hours ago, Lillove said:

in that he's busy with school and im busy with work and that this is why he tends to avoid online and long distance relationships.. he said he needs time to think about how he feels and that he really likes me but doesn't have an answer for me right now. 

Nothing but excuses. The right one will be crystal clear he's crazy about you, and be putting in the effort to make you his one and only. Take this as LDRs are the worst way to date, and something you should stop. Unless you live in a podunk town with extremely few prospects, there's no need for LDRs. It's not the normal pace of dating. A first meet should happen within 2 weeks of talking and be no more than 2 hours and the cost of a cup of coffee, because most first meets won't move on to more.

You spent a whole 3 days, going from nothing to all in, at your expense. And then you mention to him being able to freely go see him again. Sounds like you don't know how to sit back and make sure the guy has his turn to return the effort to truly gauge his interest.

Block this user. You're just going to get more and more invested by staying in contact, while he strings more women along.

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13 hours ago, Lillove said:

I asked him again if the distance is an issue for him, and he said "not emotionally but semantically" in that he's busy with school and im busy with work and that this is why he tends to avoid online and long distance relationships..

If he is that busy with school, why date in the first place?

Take you luck into your own hands. Don’t wait for him. Date men that are not a ferry ride away.

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My read on this is he’s just not interested. I don’t think it has anything to do with school. My first boyfriend was a 5 hour commute away (attending different universities, living in different cities). Every weekend was shenanigans and we kept it going for a long while.

Just take it for what it is… brush yourself off. Don’t hang around thinking you’re exclusive anything with this guy. 

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Sure, he had no problem with a ferry as long as you were the one to take it.

Three days? That's a huge and unsafe over-investment in a first meet with a total stranger.

I'm glad you came out of this alive and untrafficked.

I'd stick to meeting people local enough for a quick coffee to check one another out. If there's mutual chemistry, either of you can contact the other with an invite for a real date.

The point is to screen out bad matches by meeting them until you strike simpatico with a potentially GOOD match. 

A good match will feel the same way about you, and he'll step up to show it. 

 

 

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