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I hate that one piece of paper is causing me this much anxiety.


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So, my ex and I split up in August. We started talking again in December. She reached out to me to apologize. And we've been talking here and there ever since. We want to meet face to face to talk about things. But right now we both agree that it's not time for that yet. We both have work we want to do before we see each other.

Ok... so this morning I went to get the mail and one of her tax forms came here to my house. I know she will need this. It's a W2. For those not in the US, this is a really important document that employers send out with all the info you need to file your taxes. Not having this form can cause a person a lot of stress and not accurately reporting can get someone in a lot of trouble.  Tax time is stressful for me already because I'm a business owner. 

She just started a new job that is literally right up the street from where I work.  And where she works is open 24/7. I don't know her address though, and I'm kinda glad I don't because of how I think.  Like... what if her house is somewhere I pass on my way to work and then I'm consciously aware of that every day?  I want to message her and tell her I have this form. But I've run all these scenarios through my head of all the ways I could screw up. Like what if I do and she says, "Well bring it to me at work. I'll be there these days and times. Then I have to tell her I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. What if I message her and tell her "Hey, I have your w2. I'll just drop it off at your work. I can bring it when you're not there if you want." Then she might think I'm a coward.  And anyway I wouldn't want to trust some total stranger with anyone's tax forms.  How do I know they would even give it to her?  I thought about sending a friend to drop it off to her. But again, I might look like a coward. Thought about mailing it to her mom. But then again... coward.  Calling where she works to ask when she's working... That will make me look like a stalker.  I could also just put it back in my mailbox and write return to sender on it. But once again... that seems like a jerk move because it might not get to her if I do that.  I don't trust the post office in my town.  They make mistakes all the time. 

I hate that I have to think about this so much. But on some level I also love that it's an opportunity to communicate with her again and build some trust between us. I'm afraid to see her face to face right now because I'm afraid of getting emotional. I also don't really look good right now. 6 months of depression has really beaten me down and I really could use a glow up of sorts. I don't want her to see me like this. But I can't exactly tell her these things. I feel like I have to take the cowards way out no matter what unless I want to possibly make an ass of myself.

This post is more about coping with the obsessive thoughts and the anxiety this is causing me than it is about what to do with the actual form. I don't need 57 replies from people telling me I have to give it to her/tell her I have it.  I already know that.  What I will most likely do is message her and tell her "Have, I got one of your W2s in the mail.  Let me know when you need it and I'll get it to you."  That way she calls the shots. 

I am clinically diagnosed with OCD.  Keep that in mind before you rip me apart for obsessing over this.  Not trying to make excuses but I literally have a disorder that causes me to obsess over things.  I'm just here writing about it to get it out and possibly get a little bit of support.  I'm not here to be made fun of, told how messed up I am and have everything I say twisted around into something it isn't.  Just so we're clear. 

Thanks in advance. 

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4 minutes ago, gamon said:

Scan it into your computer and email it to her, or take a picture with your phone and text it to her.

I would have to open it to do that.  That's illegal and aside from that I wouldn't invade her privacy like that. 

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I doubt anyone would insult you around here.. We all have something going on & understand 😉 .

How do you mean 'build her trust'? I gather this was a problem between you two?

I agree with place in mailbox for her to get when you're at work ( hope mail carrier wouldn't take it?).

That or, yes inform her you got it in the mail and maybe just ask IF she wants you to drop it off at her work sometime, or another idea.

 

 

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2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I doubt anyone would insult you around here.. We all have something going on & understand 😉 .

How do you mean 'build her trust'? I gather this was a problem between you two?

I agree with place in mailbox for her to get when you're at work ( hope mail carrier wouldn't take it?).

That or, yes inform her you got it in the mail and maybe just ask IF she wants you to drop it off at her work sometime, or another idea.

 

 

Trust was never an issue when we were together.  But it could be an issue now on her end.  Not because of anything I did, but because of why she left.  She pretty much had a nervous breakdown.   So just being  around me might be really triggering for her.  We both have agreed we aren't ready to see each other right now.  But if she asks me to drop it off where she works or something while she is there, it might be kind of a test run for us both.  So idk... maybe trust wasn't really the right word.  We might see each other for 2 minutes when I drop it off to her and maybe we realize we are perfectly comfortable seeing each other.  Does that make sense?

I can't speak for her.  But there is anxiety on my end too when it comes to seeing her.  My biggest worry is that I will just break down crying and make an ass of myself.  She might be worried about the same thing.  

I'm not leaving it in my mailbox.  Biggest reason is I don't want her dropping by and my nephew seeing her.  He has no idea we are talking again because I don't want to get his hopes up.  They were close and he's just a little kid.  He was devastated when she left too.  And my roommate Is a horrible human being who likes to start stuff just for fun.  My ex coming to my house when I'm not there is too much a possible risk.  

I'm on my phone.  I don't have time to read all this again and check for mistakes.  Sorry if it's sloppy.  

Edited by Cynder
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6 hours ago, gamon said:

Scan it into your computer and email it to her, or take a picture with your phone and text it to her.

Tampering with someone's mail is a federal crime. In fact using it as a weapon or tool in this ex drama is inappropriate .

This isn't about anyone's mental health issues, it's about doing the right thing. 

The IRS and the USPS isn't interested in your break up.

Edited by Wiseman2
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She is an adult. It is her responsibility to file her taxes correctly and in a timely manner and she knows that that form is important. This form is not your problem and don’t make it yours. If she failed her employer to inform them about her new address, it’s on her. Return the envelope to the sender with the mention that the addressee does not longer live at this address.

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I think you should either mail it to Z's mom or scan it and send it to Z. It's not illegal to open the envelope if she gives you permission to do so. 

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

I don't know her address though, and I'm kinda glad I don't because of how I think.  Like... what if her house is somewhere I pass on my way to work and then I'm consciously aware of that every day?  I want to message her and tell her I have this form. But I've run all these scenarios through my head of all the ways I could screw up. Like what if I do and she says, "Well bring it to me at work. I'll be there these days and times. Then I have to tell her I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. What if I message her and tell her "Hey, I have your w2. I'll just drop it off at your work. I can bring it when you're not there if you want." Then she might think I'm a coward....  I thought about sending a friend to drop it off to her. But again, I might look like a coward. Thought about mailing it to her mom. But then again... coward. 

None of these things are cowardly. You know what is triggering for you, and you are protecting yourself. That takes courage, which is the opposite of cowardice.

Edited by Jibralta
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Do not open anyone's mail. Either write: "forward, return to sender not at this address" or email her promptly as to where to send it.  

Once you take care of it, your anxiety will be relieved.

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, Blue_Skirt said:

She is an adult. It is her responsibility to file her taxes correctly and in a timely manner and she knows that that form is important. This form is not your problem and don’t make it yours. If she failed her employer to inform them about her new address, it’s on her. Return the envelope to the sender with the mention that the addressee does not longer live at this address.

Bravo. Yes.  Please do not use an official document that has nothing to do with you as an entree into interacting with her.  There are many many ways to do this in a contactless way. I'd pick one, pick one very soon, and move on.

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31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Bravo. Yes.  Please do not use an official document that has nothing to do with you as an entree into interacting with her.  There are many many ways to do this in a contactless way. I'd pick one, pick one very soon, and move on.

I just talked to her two days ago.  I'm not trying to get back in contact with her.  I'm just afraid no matter how I get it to her it will somehow make me look bad. 

Also, I swear I already posted this.  If it's some glitch and it shows up twice, sorry. 

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32 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I'm just afraid no matter how I get it to her it will somehow make me look bad.

This is what really puzzles me, because you don’t have to get this form to her in the first place.

1.       You have NO control over who sends mail to your address for a person that no longer lives there.

2.       Your ex is responsible for her own administrative matters with respect to changing address.

3.       Your ex is responsible for filing her own taxes.

Has she ever asked you to notify her should any post arrive for her? Again, just return to sender. Then it is up to the sender to find out the new address.

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1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I just talked to her two days ago.  I'm not trying to get back in contact with her.  I'm just afraid no matter how I get it to her it will somehow make me look bad. 

Also, I swear I already posted this.  If it's some glitch and it shows up twice, sorry. 

Just text her that you got the form and ask her what does she want you to do with it. That's it. Ball in her court.

Keep it simple like that and guaranteed you won't look like anything other than asking a very normal question.

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9 hours ago, Cynder said:

We both have agreed we aren't ready to see each other right now.  But if she asks me to drop it off where she works or something while she is there, it might be kind of a test run for us both.  So idk... maybe trust wasn't really the right word.  We might see each other for 2 minutes when I drop it off to her and maybe we realize we are perfectly comfortable seeing each other.  Does that make sense?

Yes it does.... some anxiety expected 😕 ... deep breaths. I guess you just do it!  Will be much better once done, I find.. I'm the same ( or was, until I had help with my anxiety, learning coping skills & meds for it).  I have to 'mentally prep for everything.

I'm guessing you've been together a good while, as you mentioned your nephew 😕 .. and for your roommate to start something.. really?  He should learn to back off all of this.

So, yeah, may be best to just inform her it's with you and you'll drop it off at her work soon.

If you haven't contacted her yet on this, maybe write it all down before hand.. I do this when I have to deal with ppl or call someone.

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Cynder said:

I just talked to her two days ago.  I'm not trying to get back in contact with her.  I'm just afraid no matter how I get it to her it will somehow make me look bad. 

Also, I swear I already posted this.  If it's some glitch and it shows up twice, sorry. 

Such is life. There will always be times despite our best intentions we "look bad" especially if someone is looking out for us to look bad.  That shouldn't factor into your transmitting a document to this person.  And, no, I don't think it will mean anything (much less mean anything about future potential) if you end up transmitting in person and the interaction is pleasant.  It should be pleasant.  And brief.

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6 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Just text her that you got the form and ask her what does she want you to do with it. That's it. Ball in her court.

Keep it simple like that and guaranteed you won't look like anything other than asking a very normal question.

That's exactly what I plan on doing.  I'm just waiting till I see her online to message her. 

This post wasn't even asking about what to do with the form.  I pretty much decided what to do with it before I even wrote this.  It was more about dealing with the anxiety it was causing. 

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3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes it does.... some anxiety expected 😕 ... deep breaths. I guess you just do it!  Will be much better once done, I find.. I'm the same ( or was, until I had help with my anxiety, learning coping skills & meds for it).  I have to 'mentally prep for everything.

I'm guessing you've been together a good while, as you mentioned your nephew 😕 .. and for your roommate to start something.. really?  He should learn to back off all of this.

So, yeah, may be best to just inform her it's with you and you'll drop it off at her work soon.

If you haven't contacted her yet on this, maybe write it all down before hand.. I do this when I have to deal with ppl or call someone.

 

 

 

I have to mentally prep a lot too.  I hate talking on the phone, for one.  So if I know I have to call someone I get anxious.  I have a client who insists that I call her whenever she buys anything from me.  I do it because she is my customer.  But I really wish she would just text. 

Yea, my ex and I were together a while.  We were planning on getting married.  We had all these plans for the future, etc.  She really is the love of my life.  And people also don't seem to realize that when she left I also lost my best friend.  And my nephew was really close to her, too.  I remember after she left he kept crying and asking me when she's coming back.  It's like he didn't really understand. 

My roommate is female.  She is 39 years old, and acts like a high school mean girl.  She's a drunk.  She's a thief.  She's a slob.  And she's a racist.  not to mention she's not very smart, either.  She has stolen from me and then posted what she stole on Facebook for sale... where I could see it.  She grew up wealthy.  Her Dad was the CEO of a really well known company.  I mean, just about anyone living in the US would know this company by name.  Her and her brother both went to private Catholic school.  They lived in a really rich neighborhood.  She never wanted for anything growing up.  And now that she is just a regular person who still thinks she can just do whatever she wants.  Her own family doesn't even like her.  They disowned her. 

I am female, too.  I'm kinda getting the impression you think I'm a guy.  (A lot of people online do.)  I think that's the reason some people are kinda rude to me in these posts.  (Not saying you were.)  But I think people think I am just a creepy "nice guy."  This was a lesbian relationship.  The dynamic is different.  I don't care what anyone says.  Love between two women is not the same as between a man and a woman.  And this is coming from someone who has been with both.  

Edited by Cynder
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3 hours ago, Cynder said:

I have to mentally prep a lot too.  I hate talking on the phone, for one.  So if I know I have to call someone I get anxious.  I have a client who insists that I call her whenever she buys anything from me.  I do it because she is my customer.  But I really wish she would just text. 

Same here, can take days to respond to someone sometimes, lol.  But that's how we roll.  Is not easy to deal with people.  Less the better.

 

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

She really is the love of my life.  And people also don't seem to realize that when she left I also lost my best friend.  And my nephew was really close to her, too.  I remember after she left he kept crying and asking me when she's coming back.  It's like he didn't really understand. 

Aww wow, yes, not easy for them either 😕 . Is like when parents split.  Kids get hurt too.

Give him time to adjust etc. Mine went through this as well.. and I tried to help them out.

 

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

They lived in a really rich neighborhood.  She never wanted for anything growing up.  And now that she is just a regular person who still thinks she can just do whatever she wants.  Her own family doesn't even like her.  They disowned her. 

Wow, when a family disowns.. that's difficult.. BUT, if only she would work on improving herself!  Some live in denial.. but in time, may regret.

 

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

I am female, too.  I'm kinda getting the impression you think I'm a guy.  (A lot of people online do.)  I think that's the reason some people are kinda rude to me in these posts. 

Yes, I did.. but is fine 🙂 .

I can understand how the dynamics would be. Women, alone can relate so much better, in their own sense.  ( Like they say, Men are from Mars, women from Venus).

I do wish you guys can work out at least something decent in time.. am sorry for these challenges, I know.. it hurts 😕 

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2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Same here, can take days to respond to someone sometimes, lol.  But that's how we roll.  Is not easy to deal with people.  Less the better.

 

Aww wow, yes, not easy for them either 😕 . Is like when parents split.  Kids get hurt too.

Give him time to adjust etc. Mine went through this as well.. and I tried to help them out.

 

Wow, when a family disowns.. that's difficult.. BUT, if only she would work on improving herself!  Some live in denial.. but in time, may regret.

 

Yes, I did.. but is fine 🙂 .

I can understand how the dynamics would be. Women, alone can relate so much better, in their own sense.  ( Like they say, Men are from Mars, women from Venus).

I do wish you guys can work out at least something decent in time.. am sorry for these challenges, I know.. it hurts 😕 

My nephew is my little sunshine.  My relationship with him was one of the few things that kept me going through all of this.  Because after she left, my life fell apart.  I lost my job that I had been at 11 years.  This was really sudden and it wasn't my fault.  Then I got another job I really liked, worked there a short time and was told they are eliminating my position.  I also had a pet die.  I had a long time friend flip out and start harassing me.  He had some beef with my roommate and decided to take it out on me, too.   I had a huge health scare.  I got a staph infection and when I was recovered from that I got the flu.  And then she came back into my life right after all of that. 

It sucks that her family disowned her.  But this was after years of her acting like a *word that rhymes with witch* to them.  She brags about being a homewrecker.  She posts half naked pics of herself online.  (for a long time her Facebook profile pic was literally a pic of her crotch.  She had lace booty shots on and her legs were spread wide open.)  She has hate tattoos (swastikas on her arms.)  Ok so why does she live here?  Because of my nephew.  I kick her out and I'm kicking him out too.  She's not technically my sister and he's not technically my nephew.  But he's my nephew.  I don't care about blood. 

Yea... in my opinion gay relationships are a lot more intense.  I've heard bi males who've been in serious relationships with both say the same thing.  I was married to my ex husband for 8 years and I never had near the bond with him that I have with her now and we aren't even together at the moment. 

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UPDATE

I talked to her today.  I messaged her and said, "Hey, I got one of your W2 forms in the mail.  Let me know when you need it and I'll get it to you."

She said, "Will you be home tomorrow?" 

I said, "To be 100% honest I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with you coming here. It's nothing against you. It's hard to explain."

She's not stupid.  She probably knows it's because of my nephew. 

The next two messages were sent at the same time.  YOu know when both people are typing at once.  I said, "would you be ok with coming into where I work to pick it up instead?"

And she said, "I work 3 to 9 Friday." 

Where we both work is maybe a third of a mile from each other.  Our employers are really close together, right up the street from one another. 

So I said, "Or I can bring it to you at your work."

Then I said,m "Ok, I'll stop in on Friday." 

I know this might read weird.  But it's because messages were coming through at the same time, etc. 

She said, "Ok, thank you." 

Then we just talked about work stuff for a little while and she got offline to go to bed. 

So, Friday I will see her for the first time in almost 6 months.  I hope I can hold it together and not cry or say anything stupid.  who knows though.  SHe might be thinking the same thing. 

 

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21 hours ago, Cynder said:

I can't speak for her.  But there is anxiety on my end too when it comes to seeing her.  My biggest worry is that I will just break down crying and make an ass of myself.  She might be worried about the same thing.  

Yeah, I feel you on this. First off I just want to say, that just because you have a clinical diagnosis doesn’t mean that the issue is unresolvable in terms of the thinking and obsessive thoughts.

I struggle with something similar and in many ways it’s easy to entertain ideas that allow you to engage in this type of behavior. Really this situation with the tax forms is just a catalyst for you to engage in a behavior which regulates your nervous system.

Ive often wondered how to retrain my brain to create new neural pathways.  Oftentimes the best place to start with is recognizing the stimuli. 

In this situation recognizing that the tax form from your ex was going to trigger one of these episodes could have prepared you for what would follow next. The more you learn to recognize the triggers and abstain from engaging in the behaviors, the easier it will be to break the habits.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

Edited by junebug123
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