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I hate that one piece of paper is causing me this much anxiety.


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Update #2

So, a little while agi there was a text conversation between her and I.  She said it was nice seeing me and that I looked nice.  I basically told her the same.  And then there was some banter about a show we both like being canceled, my nephew, etc. 

Then out of nowhere she's like, "So I have to ask.  Why were you uncomfortable with me stopping by your place?"

I told her I had my reasons, it's hard to explain in text. 

She was like, "Are you sure we can be friends if you don't want me at your house?" 

She told me she was surprised when I told her no.  I said it's not that I didn't want her here.  because honestly, her coming to my house wouldn't have bothered me if I lived alone.  But also, I am in the process of decluttering/deep cleaning my house right now.  And it's really messy because stuff is being sorted, rearranged, etc. 

I told her maybe it's something I can go more into when we get together to have our talk.  (because we plan on having a serious conversation about our relationship, etc.) 

She said she's going to shower and lay down because she's really tired.

I said I hope she's not upset with me.  

She said Not at all.  

I said I promise I will explain when the time is right, ok?

And she responded with a smiley face and said talk later.  

I said later, hug.

She hugged back.  

But after this was over I felt AWFUL.  I mean, I felt like such a trash bag of a human being.  This is something I really need to work on, though.  I am really hard on myself when I don't always need to be.  

But, I did type out a longer message and send it to her after that.  It basically said, "Hey, I know you were going to sleep and won't see this for a while, but one of the biggest reasons I didn't want you to stop by was because of the way my house looks right now.  I am trying really hard to live better and get rid of things I don't use/need.  I thought this process would go faster.  I want the house to look a lot better when you see it.  I honestly didn't expect you to offer to come here and get it."

She was going to bed, so she won't see it for a while, like I said.  But I still feel bad like I hurt her by not letting her come to my house to pick it up.  It was the state of my house, my nephew, and my drama causing roommate that were the main reasons.  And I will explain all of that to her.  But I figured the house was the easiest reason to explain in a text message. 

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6 hours ago, Cynder said:

I still feel bad like I hurt her by not letting her come to my house to pick it up.

You know, I've felt this way before. Logically, I know it's not something that would ordinarily hurt someone, but somehow I still feel responsible for an injury. I don't have OCD. But I think that under certain circumstances, I tend to ruminate about things. Most likely, it's a result of my upbringing. It's something that I have to keep challenging. 

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Feelings aren't facts though meaning you beating yourself up over this choice. I think what exacerbated the rumination part was how you chose to extend the interaction.  You didn't need to get ice right then right there at the very time you were handing her a form.  You chose to act on impulse and hug her rather than prepping before knowing as you said you act on impulse. 

Nothing wrong with a hug and in this case you chose to prolong the interaction and shift it from a business/professionally polite transaction to something personal. 

You chose to text with her later.  That also increases the risk of overthinking/ruminating.  Not right or wrong. A choice -not something that just happened to you.  

And what she said is an opinion.  I won't let anyone come to my house because it's small and too cluttered (mostly due to spouse, some due to me) and it's not my choice of where to entertain.  I have in the past.  Pre-covid I met good friends for walks, at restaurants, theaters, museums, their home sometimes, for shopping, at a gym. 

Nothing to do with being friends.  If I had a romantic partner then yes that person would of course come to my house once we became intimate and I would expect to go to theirs with rare exception. 

 During covid and before covid I was friendly with someone very needy who was about to move out of state.  She's constantly whining about how lonely she is (divorced, kids basically grown) - and asks for $ for new business ideas (I say no, but I have given her my time and input). 

She messaged me a month or so before she moved.  She wanted to hang out in person. I told her that with my schedule plus not driving I'd be happy to meet at my local whole foods right off the highway during the day.  I'd offered that years earlier and despite being soooo lonely she didn't want to drive the 30 minutes. 

She then asked to come to my house and hang out while I did my housework (my son was virtual learning).  Because of (1) covid; (2) clutter and (3) teleworking and (4) small apartment I said no.  I reiterated what I was willing to do.  Meet her for coffee or a walk.  I cannot stand those memes with "my home is always open and my coffee pot is always on if you need a friend."  Why "home?"  It's my space.  That I share with my family.  Why can't I be an awesome friend in the park down the block or the Whole Foods cafe? 

It was extremely weird and awkward for me to have that particular boundary and I felt disrespected by her inviting herself over and trying to make me feel guilty.  I ended most communication with her then (she was moving anyway and on top of that I'd hooked her up with a friend who'd recently relocated to her new state a thousand miles away) -same first name, same age-ish, also divorced with grown kids). 

There are people who are takers and go to the lengths your ex did in making manipulative comments about how can we be friends if I can't come to your house.  Making that comment related to a business transaction concerning misdelivered mail. Please.

I stopped contact with this person -and obviously I wasn't dating or in love with her but this is partly on you - you went into the lion's den and played with fire -she's going to show you each and every time that she's not acting in your best interests and is taking advantage of how very into her you are.  Your choice IMHO.

 

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7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Feelings aren't facts though meaning you beating yourself up over this choice. I think what exacerbated the rumination part was how you chose to extend the interaction.  You didn't need to get ice right then right there at the very time you were handing her a form.  You chose to act on impulse and hug her rather than prepping before knowing as you said you act on impulse. 

Nothing wrong with a hug and in this case you chose to prolong the interaction and shift it from a business/professionally polite transaction to something personal. 

You chose to text with her later.  That also increases the risk of overthinking/ruminating.  Not right or wrong. A choice -not something that just happened to you.  

And what she said is an opinion.  I won't let anyone come to my house because it's small and too cluttered (mostly due to spouse, some due to me) and it's not my choice of where to entertain.  I have in the past.  Pre-covid I met good friends for walks, at restaurants, theaters, museums, their home sometimes, for shopping, at a gym. 

Nothing to do with being friends.  If I had a romantic partner then yes that person would of course come to my house once we became intimate and I would expect to go to theirs with rare exception. 

 During covid and before covid I was friendly with someone very needy who was about to move out of state.  She's constantly whining about how lonely she is (divorced, kids basically grown) - and asks for $ for new business ideas (I say no, but I have given her my time and input). 

She messaged me a month or so before she moved.  She wanted to hang out in person. I told her that with my schedule plus not driving I'd be happy to meet at my local whole foods right off the highway during the day.  I'd offered that years earlier and despite being soooo lonely she didn't want to drive the 30 minutes. 

She then asked to come to my house and hang out while I did my housework (my son was virtual learning).  Because of (1) covid; (2) clutter and (3) teleworking and (4) small apartment I said no.  I reiterated what I was willing to do.  Meet her for coffee or a walk.  I cannot stand those memes with "my home is always open and my coffee pot is always on if you need a friend."  Why "home?"  It's my space.  That I share with my family.  Why can't I be an awesome friend in the park down the block or the Whole Foods cafe? 

It was extremely weird and awkward for me to have that particular boundary and I felt disrespected by her inviting herself over and trying to make me feel guilty.  I ended most communication with her then (she was moving anyway and on top of that I'd hooked her up with a friend who'd recently relocated to her new state a thousand miles away) -same first name, same age-ish, also divorced with grown kids). 

There are people who are takers and go to the lengths your ex did in making manipulative comments about how can we be friends if I can't come to your house.  Making that comment related to a business transaction concerning misdelivered mail. Please.

I stopped contact with this person -and obviously I wasn't dating or in love with her but this is partly on you - you went into the lion's den and played with fire -she's going to show you each and every time that she's not acting in your best interests and is taking advantage of how very into her you are.  Your choice IMHO.

 

I don't have a lot of time so I can't write as in depth a reply as I want to this.  But I actually agree, despite my feelings for her.  Like, yes, I'm still crazy in love with this woman.  But also, what gives her the right to have a problem with me just saying "No I'm not comfortable with you coming to my house."

It's my house. 

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Ok, so just now I had another conversation with her.  She messaged me and told me she's really glad it was just because my house was messy and not because I didn't want to be around her.  I told her "No, if I didn't want to be around you I would have just put the envelope back in the mailbox and wrote return to sender on it."  And then she said, "Well the biggest reason was because I thought maybe you were dating someone else and didn't want your ex coming over."  I told her "No, I haven't even tried." 

Interesting that she would be bothered by me dating someone else. 

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