New GF wants me to ghost friends

[Muddy]

I'm not even sure what to make of this. This is a long one. GF of 7 months....we had a very strange meeting where we found out that we actually knew each other from a very young age, only to meet online decades later. Awesome connection, felt like destiny,  like soulmates. I have always been faithful and loyal 100% in every relationship I've ever been in, even when I was being cheated on. Just because someone else made a mistake, didn't mean that I had to do the same, so I ended those relationships. 

I have 3 best friends, all of different ethnicities, and they are all female. I've known 2 of them for about 11 years, and the other for about 16 years. One is a lesbian, one is a "sister from another mother", and the other lives on the other side of the world. I have never met the one from the other side of the world in person, but had intended to, because after all those years, we had developed enough trust for each other to do so. Every time either one of us was having a hard time in life, we talked to each other. We were there for each other and discussed all kinds of things, but nothing sexual. It was always respectful. We had a lot of history. No lines were ever crossed in any way and it was never romantic. A few years back, I was single and feeling worthless because I kept staying with an ex that was constantly cheating on me. We had a few comments on a non-dating social media website that we were both members of, where we mentioned having someone to just lay next to and talk to and trust. One very brief time, around that time, we mentioned "what if we ever dated". We both laughed it off because we didn't want to jeopardize our friendship and the distance was too great. We were both single at that time, and then entered into relationships of our own, a few months later. I never deleted the comments because I have nothing to hide and it was all public anyways, and I just let it go. I've always been an open book like that, and this person and I kept in touch and stayed friends for a very long time, but we didn't speak at regular intervals. It was something like a comment or meme on social media every now and then, or a "how are you, just checking on you" message one a month or couple of months. It's always been just that.

 

Fast forward to my current GF. She had a profile on the same social media website and I added her because she's my GF. Put titles in it and everything was public and all that. She's scrolling through my page one day, ends up scrolling years back, sees those posts with my friend and immediately gets jealous and insecure. She holds it in for a few days and eventually asks me about it over the phone one night and I just laughed it off. Even though I felt it was silly, I saw that it genuinely bothered her, so I explained everything, including our entire past and how we've always spoken to each other, offered to show her all of our previous conversations and I said that she's always been a friend and been there for me, when no one else was. The GF says "I don't care what you guys are, I'm not comfortable with you having someone in your life like that, that you've ever considered being with, regardless of how long you've known her". I asked why, and tried to explain the situation again and to reassure that I am being honest and won't chest and even offered all of my logins and access to my emails and phone and she refused. It turns into an argument where the GF ends up yelling and screaming at me and cussing me out over the phone and then she says it's either her or me. I got aggravated and said "that's not fair at all! Why should I ghost someone that has never done anything wrong to me and has never and would never cross any lines or disrespect my relationship in any way? So you want me to abandon this person in a very cruel way, because of your insecurity? " the GF says "well i guess I have my answer, f**k you then b**ch" then hangs up on me. Obviously, I was piased after that and ignored her calls and texts because I felt that that was extremely wrong and definitely the wrong reaction to have, one month into the relationship (at that time).

I really really care for my GF, and so I basically ghosted the friend. I felt like a huge POS because I knew that was wrong and cowardly and I now carry the guilt of hurting someone that did nothing wrong. I feel that I chose to hurt this person because of someone else's insecurity. I feel absolutely terrible about it. The GF and I started talking again, and she kept asking me what was wrong and why was I distant now, and I said "are you surprised? Really? If you want me to talk, I will, but I need you to listen and not rip me apart because you don't like what I have to say". The GF says, "we can talk about anything, just not HER", referring to the friend. 

She knew what was wrong, refused to even listen to anything I had to say about it, and then asked me what was wrong? She spent the next 6 months, breaking up with me, saying "well just go crawling back to HER" because she's waiting for you and I know you will anyways". So I just stopped talking, stopped opening up and was way more reserved about what I even say to the GF. It quickly turned into "you're being controlling, manipulative, narcissistic and im not putting up with that". I feel like she is projecting her issues and faults onto me and then blaming me for it, then asks me what's wrong with me, gets me to finally talk, then tears me apart for it. Then the cycle repeats itself. She tells me I need to seek professional help because I'm in denial about what kind of person I really am.

The people that know me and know what's been going on and have heard the recordings and have seen the messages, have all asked me "why do you let women treat you this way?" My response is always the same. I just want one that will love me and not lie to me or use me or cheat on me".

The "sister from another mother" was at my house with us one day and we were ripping on each other and I landed a zinger and got the usual "go to hell" look and I laughed and ran up behind her and hugged her from behind, thinking nothing of it. The GF saw this, and scowled, and said to me later "that surprised me because I just didn't now yall had THAT kind of relationship " and "if you ever don't wanna be with me or want someone else, just let me know and I'll be out of your life forever". Obviously I got annoyed and felt I had no choice but to distance myself from both of them for the evening because I didn't want to get in trouble again.

 

I'm not perfect in any way, but this whole situation just seems incredibly wrong. I think that a relationship should be teamwork AND each of you willing to concede and understand and listen. Not one person calling the shots and "you better do this or I will leave you, and you better talk to me THIS way and use THESE words". I feel stupid and like less of a man for not putting my foot down and allowing myself to be treated this way. I know it's my fault for letting it get to this point, so I won't blame it all on her. I do feel that its not fair and I'm left feeling like I can do no right and it's all gonna get blamed on me anyways and why did I even stick it out? Even talking about these things to her is only going to get me yelled at anyways. I'm pretty sure I'm stupid and I'm not looking for any justification but I'm thinking I should keep trying to talk to her about these things and about how I feel about it and just say that it can't be this way and won't work this way if we can't work together. Am I stupid for staying and going through this? Am I really allowing myself to be belittled just because I want to be loved? I asked for it, so let 'er rip. At this point, I'm willing to listen to anything. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she's wrong, maybe we're both wrong. We do have a strong connection that I still feel is worth hanging on to, but if it's gonna stay like this, I'm not so sure. 7 months in and she calls herself my wife and me, her husband, and loses her mind if I ever say anything less. It just seems very controlling and manipulative and narcissistic to me.....

 

 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Muddy said:

  the GF says "well i guess I have my answer, f**k you then b**ch" then hangs up on me. 

End it immediately. Tell her it's not working out, then delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

It's time to go through all your social media and reset all your privacy settings. Do not have a public profile. Only allow people you know and trust to view your content.

Don't use social media as a journal. Keep private communication with others private.  Be careful what you post on social media.

This GF is foul angry and disrespectful. Get rid of her 

[MissCanuck]

You need to find a woman who is comfortable with your friendships with these other ladies, OP. This is never going to work. 

You and your girlfriend are fundamentally incompatible, and it's already a total mess after just 7 months. This isn't what love looks like, and I think you know that. 

It's time to take your head out of the sand and realize you don't have an amazing connection. You are clinging on to that flawed idea (and it is flawed, or this wouldn't be so toxic) because you don't want to be alone, but it's painfully clear you and your girlfriend are not at all suited for each other and it's already damaged beyond repair. 

Stop dragging out the inevitable, and end it. 

[Seraphim]

This “ girlfriend “ has serious issues and problems and has decimated your life in a matter of 7 months. Think about that. Is she really worth it? 

[boltnrun]

You say you "want to be loved".  

If the way this woman treats you feels like "love" to you, there are some serious issues you may want to explore with a professional.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Muddy said:

The people that know me and know what's been going on and have heard the recordings and have seen the messages, have all asked me "why do you let women treat you this way?" My response is always the same. I just want one that will love me and not lie to me or use me or cheat on me".

 

That are basic things. I know in this time its even hard to find that. But to somebody be there for you, and not lie and cheat, those are basic stuff. You cant overlook her extreme jealousy because she does minimum basics of other stuff. Its a big red flag. Her jealousy is a sign of her insecurities, has nothing to do with you or your behavior. And for people like that, its never enough no matter how much you give in. Today its a lifelong friend, tomorrow its new colleague from work. And again, that wont ever stop because the root of the problem is not in you. She is insecure and will always have thoughts about you cheating with anyone of opposite sex you are close with. And friends are right, you cant live like that. Its not something that you should tolerate in the relationships especially when its this big issue. 

[tattoobunnie]

"It was just the tip."  That's kind of all I heard with you justifying it.  At least you know, you prioritize a woman you've never met over your then girlfriend.  Speaking as someone who's husband also had a long term pen pal that they once toyed with thinking of being together, she was supposed to fly out for our wedding, rsvp'ed as well, she didn't even bother saying she and her spouse whom she constantly was cheating on couldn't make it till I texted her to make sure she was alright and that her care package for the hotel was at the front desk.  The day after our wedding, she sent nudes of herself to him.

One day, you will meet someone you care enough about to delete that exchange, and never give her a level of insecurity, which you did with this girlfriend.  Btw, I have never ever once discussed dating any of my guy friends...not even once.  The only friend I ever dated, I married, and we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Always choose what hill you want to die upon, and this one was it with this girl.

[Muddy]

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, and I really appreciate your thoughts. I know you are all right and even the GF has ironically pointed out that I've let people walk on me for too long. I do realize that I allowed it to get this bad. I have been speaking to a counselor and was told basicslly the same things.....Anyways, thanks again for everything and I really appreciate it!

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Muddy said:

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, and I really appreciate your thoughts. I know you are all right and even the GF has ironically pointed out that I've let people walk on me for too long. I do realize that I allowed it to get this bad. I have been speaking to a counselor and was told basicslly the same things.....Anyways, thanks again for everything and I really appreciate it!

What does your counselor suggest?

[Muddy]

45 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

"It was just the tip."  That's kind of all I heard with you justifying it.  At least you know, you prioritize a woman you've never met over your then girlfriend.  Speaking as someone who's husband also had a long term pen pal that they once toyed with thinking of being together, she was supposed to fly out for our wedding, rsvp'ed as well, she didn't even bother saying she and her spouse whom she constantly was cheating on couldn't make it till I texted her to make sure she was alright and that her care package for the hotel was at the front desk.  The day after our wedding, she sent nudes of herself to him.

One day, you will meet someone you care enough about to delete that exchange, and never give her a level of insecurity, which you did with this girlfriend.  Btw, I have never ever once discussed dating any of my guy friends...not even once.  The only friend I ever dated, I married, and we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Always choose what hill you want to die upon, and this one was it with this girl.

I respect that. She did tell me when we met that she was insecure because of her past, and I was too. I understood exactly where she was coming from. The part that I didn't understand or agree with was telling me to get rid of this person and to do it in such a cruel way, out of nowhere. I just felt that that wrong.

I'm sure it didn't help her insecurities at all and I tried to explain that I hadn't cheated in any way, on anyone and simply wouldn't lower myself to that level. I wasn't even given the chance to explain anything to the friend about what was going on. After all those years, to let someone go for this reason, warranted some kind of explanation.

I actually prioritized the GF, because I sided with her and ghosted the friend in the exact way that she told me to, and even that wasn't enough. It then carried over to my "sister from another mother". I think that the issue was already there before she even met me, and I do realize that I really didn't help the situation. I just thought that if I was very open and honest and faithful and loyal to her, that it would get better with time. 99% of her friends are guys and she talks to them about everything and it doesn't bother me and I would not ask or force her to do what she told me to do and definitely not say "do this, this way or we're done". I have done everything she has told me or asked me to do, in the exact way that she says it, and even that's not good enough.

I do think you are right, and I didn't help the situation. I also didn't delete the exchange because I felt that if I did, that I would be hiding something and she also wanted to see everything and know everything, and I let her do it. I do think that, already being insecure, she fed that insecurity by looking for something to be more insecure about. If you look for problems, you will always find them. I just figured that by being open, that she would know exactly what kind of guy she had and would eventually begin to relax, and im more than willing to help with that and be there for her and have her back. 

Regardless, thank you for taking the time to read my post and I really appreciate your opinion on it.

[Muddy]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What does your counselor suggest?

My counselor said that it's ok to be there for someone, because no one is perfect. That I should not allow myself to not be happy and not be treated in a way that makes me feel the way I do. To not ignore her feelings, but not to ignore my own either. That if she is willing to put me in a situation where I'm forced to hurt someone else without reason, then there is something to that. It may be guilt, or it may be my conscience trying to tell me something. Not to hurt someone, just because someone else told you to. To remember that I am not perfect and admit my own faults and for her to do the same, so that we can find resolution to these issues, or the relationship will become toxic and only add to the stress and damage that we already have. That I have to decide if I actually think that this person is worth it, then I have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. That may mean listening, understanding and not leaving any room for animosity. Dint let it turn into an argument, and if it does or starts to, to come back once things have calmed down because there is an obvious issue that needs to be resolved for the relationship to work. That we both have to be willing to do the same thing.

It was also pointed out that these issues are likely left over from her previous relationships and that they won't just go away. That I have to do my part and help her with that,  but she has to be willing to do the same for me, without responding in anger. Basically that we both have to decide if we love each other enough to put in the work to resolve these issues and if one of us doesn't feel that it is, and actively works on it, that it will never work.

 

It stung, but I was honest and I listened. I'm not the type to run away from anything, but it was pointed out that I need to learn to establish boundaries and stick to them and maybe not concede as much. Sometimes people just don't work out and that's ok, but not to let it continue and end up as just another traumatic experience for the both of us. That pretty much sums it up.

[Seraphim]

When people encourage you to be cruel there is more than insecurity. They are crossing the line into abusive when they encourage you to ditch everyone who means something to you. 

[smackie9]

Insecure people stay insecure. They need constant reassurance and by you reassuring them, you enable the behavior. They get insecure, you reassure them, they calm down. When it wears off, they trigger to need reassurance, you give it to them, it goes away. It's a vicious cycle. Doesn't matter if you are honest and open, it just creates more assess for them to be insecure about. Even if you cut off all the female people out of your life, it will not stop this behavior. This is not fixable. Send her packing...and when you do, tell her to get professional help. Her insecurity is the reason why you needed to end this. Setting boundaries will only exasperate things. Your counselor is right, you shouldn't have to do anything to accommodate by hurting others.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Muddy said:

I have to do my part and help her with that,  but she has to be willing to do the same for me, without responding in anger. Basically that we both have to decide if we love each other enough to put in the work to resolve these issues

Has your girlfriend agreed there are issues on BOTH your parts?  Has she said she's willing to put in the work to make changes?  Has she agreed she did things she shouldn't have? Because this:

9 hours ago, Muddy said:

the GF says "well i guess I have my answer, f**k you then b**ch" then hangs up on me.

is completely unacceptable.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

Can I ask how old you guys are, for some context? 

Reading your post, it seems you see everything pretty clearly here, without wanting to fully see what you're seeing. Big picture, viewed generously? This is not working out, and seems to work less and less the harder you try to work on it. While she is completely entitled to her feelings about this—and, being a human, she is allowed to have all sorts of insecurities—in your shoes I would be really concerned about how she is reacting to theses feelings, these insecurities.  

I'd also be concerned about how you are reacting to it all. Being loved and pursuing love, put simply, does not have to be this painful and literally punishing. Glad to hear you're talking to someone to better understand your propensity to tolerate this level of punishment for love. Zoom out a bit, and it seems this may be where you two deeply connect, since she's kind of doing her version of that. Still, that's more like the connection between a fuse and a bomb than the one between two puzzle pieces that slip easily into place. 

Things to think about, but only once the smoke clears? If these relationships with these women are important to you it is a must that, whoever you date, be understanding and not (too) thrown by that. Not every woman will be, and that's okay. But, again, that's to think about and process on your own, in the privacy of your own spirit, not in appeasement-mode to someone else, particularly someone who has repeatedly shown you that her place of comfort, when feeling vulnerable, is to be quite cruel.     

[smackie9]

Muddy....you shouldn't have to work this hard and be this disappointed in a relationship. Should be a happy and exciting time of love, sharing and caring. It should be a smoother ride than this. You are not her therapist, and should take on such a task. Especially after only 7 months. You are not the one with the problem. So why make her problem yours?

[Muddy]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Has your girlfriend agreed there are issues on BOTH your parts?  Has she said she's willing to put in the work to make changes?  Has she agreed she did things she shouldn't have? Because this:

is completely unacceptable.

She has, but ultimately I feel that she wants me to do things "her" way, and when even that doesn't work, she still blames me because my tone was wrong or "off" or "why didn't you just say it like this" and "youre just contradicting yourself". I do see improvements, enough of which to continue to invest my time. She has agreed that "some things" that she did were wrong, but I just don't see the results that she seems to expect from me and I have pointed that out, and it quickly turns to anger and tears and "I'm not a bad GF, im a good woman and I don't have to put up with this". Basically you you you. You're making me feel this, you did this. There was one time when I decided "ok, she's saying these things to me, and when I feel a certain way, she gets mad and tells me I'm controlling and manipulative and narcissistic, so sin e I'm already being punished for it, let's return the favor and see how she responds ". Yeah I know that was wrong and I did prove her right by doing this,  but I just wanted to see if she would respond any differently than I did and it was 100 times worse. More yelling and screaming at me and then "f**k you we're done". I had had enough at that point and I just said, you realize what I did right? She says "yeah youre being a *** and you just want a woman that you can force to do your bidding and you can't handle a strong woman like me". I said "being a strong woman does not being mean to everyone that does not give in and give you your way, and I said the exact same thing to you that you said to me and you responded so much worse than I did. So technically we're both wrong and we're both guilty, and we both need to fix it or we both need to be done". I already knew that doing that was manipulative but I felt like if I'm so wrong and I'm all these bad things,  then let's see if she can do any better. I'll say it again, yeah that was wrong, and that was manipulative, but it also showed me that it's going to be my fault no matter what, and that there is a deeper issue that didn't originate from me.

[Muddy]

11 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

Can I ask how old you guys are, for some context? 

Reading your post, it seems you see everything pretty clearly here, without wanting to fully see what you're seeing. Big picture, viewed generously? This is not working out, and seems to work less and less the harder you try to work on it. While she is completely entitled to her feelings about this—and, being a human, she is allowed to have all sorts of insecurities—in your shoes I would be really concerned about how she is reacting to theses feelings, these insecurities.  

I'd also be concerned about how you are reacting to it all. Being loved and pursuing love, put simply, does not have to be this painful and literally punishing. Glad to hear you're talking to someone to better understand your propensity to tolerate this level of punishment for love. Zoom out a bit, and it seems this may be where you two deeply connect, since she's kind of doing her version of that. Still, that's more like the connection between a fuse and a bomb than the one between two puzzle pieces that slip easily into place. 

Things to think about, but only once the smoke clears? If these relationships with these women are important to you it is a must that, whoever you date, be understanding and not (too) thrown by that. Not every woman will be, and that's okay. But, again, that's to think about and process on your own, in the privacy of your own spirit, not in appeasement-mode to someone else, particularly someone who has repeatedly shown you that her place of comfort, when feeling vulnerable, is to be quite cruel.     

That makes absolutely perfect sense and you are definitely right. We're both in our mid 30s. We have both recently had some extremely traumatic situations involving the death of loved ones. Downright brutal to be honest. We confide in each other but I do feel that she is ultimately worth it. I'll God, and my children come before her and it's the same with her. We're each other's #1 and point that out daily. My counselor did point out that it's good to be very patient and understanding but not to allow myself to feel like a punching bag in the process.  I run these situations over and over in my head just to find a better way to handle these things. She does have her own feelings and I will never take away from that, but those feeling do conflict regularly and I find myself having to simply shut up and take it, because when I try to voice my feelings, it's met with anger and frustration. To be honest, it's not always bad, but I am definitely chocked back on what I can talk about and in a relationship, I'd like to be able to talk about anything,  especially if we're going to be a team for the rest of our lives. I want the good days and the bad days, and her feelings definitely take priority over mine. I find myself simply not talking about my feelings, for the sake of not arguing or "ruining her day and making her feel like a bad GF". I attribute that to having to do things that I may not always agree with and trying my best to "meet her halfway", for the sake of making it work. I thought that's what an actual good man was supposed to do, but also not allow himself to be beaten down in the process. Standing up for myself apparently makes me an a$$.....

[lostandhurt]

10 hours ago, Muddy said:

It just seems very controlling and manipulative and narcissistic to me.....

 Muddy,

  Regardless of why this sentence by you is exactly correct. Right now it is these female friends but once they are gone it will be a coworker, a neighbor, a friends wife.  You need to see that you cannot solve her issues by contorting yourself into the perfect person that will not trigger her insecurities and horrible behavior. 

 This is only going to get worse and when  it is all over you will be down 3 old friends and alone and this is coming from a man that thinks people in a relationship having opposite sex close friends almost always causes problems sooner or later.  I would bet if you had a super close male friend and spent a lot of time with him your gf would have a problem with that too.  Your friendships aren't the issue in this case, it is your girlfriends insecurities and cruel treatment of you.

  I know you care for her but this is not good for your soul, heck being alone is better than this isn't it?

  Lost

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say, but you're in an abusive relationship.

The first step is isolating you then making you feel like your the crazy one, the ogre.

Don't do this to your kids. Model better behavior. Do you really want a screaming cursing lunatic around your kids?

[Muddy]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

 Muddy,

  Regardless of why this sentence by you is exactly correct. Right now it is these female friends but once they are gone it will be a coworker, a neighbor, a friends wife.  You need to see that you cannot solve her issues by contorting yourself into the perfect person that will not trigger her insecurities and horrible behavior. 

 This is only going to get worse and when  it is all over you will be down 3 old friends and alone and this is coming from a man that thinks people in a relationship having opposite sex close friends almost always causes problems sooner or later.  I would bet if you had a super close male friend and spent a lot of time with him your gf would have a problem with that too.  Your friendships aren't the issue in this case, it is your girlfriends insecurities and cruel treatment of you.

  I know you care for her but this is not good for your soul, heck being alone is better than this isn't it?

  Lost

 

Yeah I agree. Being alone is definitely better than being miserable. You are absolutely right because the insecurities towards other females happened with the friend from another country, then it happened with the "sister from another mother" and now it's happening with my ex, whom I openly despise, but must have some kind of contact with because we have children together. Even though, with the ex, its simply "when are you picking up the kids, when are you dropping them off, ok" there's still insecurities there too and I know for a fact I'm not adding to the last 2. The friend from another country, I can understand, but her insecurities were already there and I fully believe that there was nothing I did wrong to add to her insecurities. I was way more open and patient and understanding that most guys would be in this particular situation. Most of my male friends will always tell me "f**k her, dump her and be done with it" and my female friends will actually gi e me the female perspective of it, because I need to understand both sides if I am to truly understand. Plus, my female friends are very brutal with the truth and I love them for it. The guy friends will just throw in the towel and say there's lots of other women out there.

A man can love a thousand women, or he can love one woman a thousand ways. A thousand hoes will never amount to the woman that is your queen. I try to live by those things. 

[Muddy]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to say, but you're in an abusive relationship.

The first step is isolating you then making you feel like your the crazy one, the ogre.

Don't do this to your kids. Model better behavior. Do you really want a screaming cursing lunatic around your kids?

I completely agree. Being a man, I felt that it wasn't acceptable to even think I was being mistreated. I think most guys are expected to simply sit there and take it. It definitely doesn't happen in front of my kids,  but my oldest daughter definitely knows when something is wrong with me. I'm always laughing and goofy and trying to make others laugh and smile and im quite good at it. The world doesn't always have to suck. Sometimes just a smile is all it takes to brighten a strangers day. That's the kind of legacy I want to leave behind when I leave this life.

The isolation part though....that inr hits pretty close to home. That was a red flag that I tried to ignore when I first felt that, and that was a mistake for me to do that. I ignore my gut feelings a lot and it usually bites me.

[boltnrun]

You're behaving like a classic abused partner.

Google "cycle of abuse" and see if any of it fits.

[lostandhurt]

Don't beat yourself up over this.  You have feelings for this woman and tried several times to make it work but it simply is not something you can fix on your side of the relationship and she is unwilling to even admit she has a problem.

   The holidays are over and a new year is on the horizon so how about you let this woman know that you can no longer be in any type of relationship with her and you wish her the very best life may bring her way.

  Then delete her number, block her, remove her from all social media and focus on your children and healing.  While you are at it call all 3 of those friends and make things right.

  With the next possible gf make sure you talk about the fact that you have female friends that you are close to and ask them how they feel about opposite sex close friends just to cut down on the  drama and crap later on.  If they don't like it then you know what you need to do sooner than later.

  Be good to yourself and clear this woman from your life, the weight from your shoulders will be lifted and you can get back to the dad your kids love to be with.

  Lost

[waffle]

When my kids were young we used to watch a show on Nickelodeon called "Zoey 101" (with Jamie Lynn Spears as the Zoey character) and in one episode her good friend Chase has a girlfriend who is not comfortable with him being friends with Zoey.  She demands he choose between the two.  Zoey was sad because she was sure Chase would pick the girlfriend, but surprisingly he told the girlfriend unbeknownst to Zoe at the time "that's an easy one, I pick Zoey."  Because someone who conducts themselves in that manner is never the right choice.  No worthwhile person will ever put you in a position like that.