I feel numb

[moodindigo91]

*** it. You guys know me. You can read my posts. Whatever. My boyfriend, the one everyone said was a manchild, left me 😂 he packed his *** in his car and left and I haven't heard from him since. I am numb. I am lonely. I am sad. I feel so unworthy of any love. I don't understand why I give so much to people and I end up alone anyway. I feel absolutely horrible. I cry every morning because I'm left here with all our things. Idk. Why can't I find my life partner? 😥 That is literally all I want. Everyone always leaves. 

[dias]

Question:

4 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Why can't I find my life partner? 😥 

Answer:

4 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

That is literally all I want.

 

[moodindigo91]

So I can't find one because I want one? 

[dias]

4 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

So I can't find one because I want one? 

Based on your post you seem to want it too much....and willing to compromise too much because of that. 

It's a blessing for you that he left, you can now re-build yourself and make a better choice in the future, a choice you would be satisfied and would make you happy. 

[Kwothe28]

I remember that thread. The boyfriend that wanted to be cryptotrader and didnt want to settle until he becomes a millionaire and lives in Greece. 

Look, some people just choose wrong. It was very obvious that he wouldnt settle and doesnt want to marry you. It hurts, I know. But if you dont want to waste time, you will need to look better. You seem like a very fine girl. You have goals, aspirations, and know what you want from life. Him leaving is probably a blessing life gave you, you probably dont see it now but in time you will. Think of it as something you learned for next time. So use that experience and find somebody that would be worthy of you and actually wants the same things as you. 

[Wiseman2]

Jump for joy that you  finally got rid of this parasite. The best Christmas present is now you're free to meet and date decent men.

 

[limichelle]

Would you have really wanted him as a life partner? You’re partner is out there, but wait for it. Be patient. Don’t settle for people who don’t give themselves fully.  Once you find someone who is a good and decent person, then put your hopes into them. Until then don’t give ‘jerks’ any more attention.

[Jibralta]

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. It's only temporary, I promise (although it will definitely last longer than you want it to). 

2 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

Why can't I find my life partner? 😥 That is literally all I want.

I think you have to take a deep breath and a big step back. Look at your contribution to the situation that you're in and learn from it.

Dias makes a good point:

1 hour ago, dias said:

Based on your post you seem to want it too much....and willing to compromise too much because of that. 

It's not enough to want to get married and settle down. You have to make good choices in order increase your chance of success. Sure, some people get lucky and fall into lifelong loving relationships. But most people have to put a lot of work into it finding the right person--and that means taking out the trash. You can't "make it clear" "up front" about what you want in the relationship and then turn your brain off. 

I went back and looked at your post from September. You were blithely ignoring a lot of red flags. He was unemployed. He let his dad support him. You're uncomfortable talking about money (that's on you!). He literally told you that he wasn't getting what he wanted out of the relationship--and that is the really alarming part because you just ignored it:

On 9/20/2021 at 12:11 PM, moodindigo91 said:

we settled with me saying that I understand his feelings and that I appreciate the support he's provided to me throughout law school and I am here to provide that very same support for him to find his career.

That's the point where you should have slammed the brakes on and said, "What?!?!?"

Also, you can't get mad because he put his best foot forward in the beginning of the relationship. Literally everybody does that. You can't let yourself get carried away. Just look what happens when you do: two years down the drain with a manchild because he 'seemed like a man who had his sht together.' Meanwhile, you had no idea how he supported himself and didn't care to ask because you weren't married. Bad move. You can't bank your matrimonial future on the first few glorious months. You have to keep doing your homework and weed out the moochers early on.

If you don't want a repeat of this disappointment, you have to change your behavior. I hope you start feeling better soon and get back out there.

[moodindigo91]

9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. It's only temporary, I promise (although it will definitely last longer than you want it to). 

I think you have to take a deep breath and a big step back. Look at your contribution to the situation that you're in and learn from it.

Dias makes a good point:

It's not enough to want to get married and settle down. You have to make good choices in order increase your chance of success. Sure, some people get lucky and fall into lifelong loving relationships. But most people have to put a lot of work into it finding the right person--and that means taking out the trash. You can't "make it clear" "up front" about what you want in the relationship and then turn your brain off. 

I went back and looked at your post from September. You were blithely ignoring a lot of red flags. He was unemployed. He let his dad support him. You're uncomfortable talking about money (that's on you!). He literally told you that he wasn't getting what he wanted out of the relationship--and that is the really alarming part because you just ignored it:

That's the point where you should have slammed the brakes on and said, "What?!?!?"

Also, you can't get mad because he put his best foot forward in the beginning of the relationship. Literally everybody does that. You can't let yourself get carried away. Just look what happens when you do: two years down the drain with a manchild because he 'seemed like a man who had his sht together.' Meanwhile, you had no idea how he supported himself and didn't care to ask because you weren't married. Bad move. You can't bank your matrimonial future on the first few glorious months. You have to keep doing your homework and weed out the moochers early on.

If you don't want a repeat of this disappointment, you have to change your behavior. I hope you start feeling better soon and get back out there.

I agree with all of this. I mean, I definitely ignored red flags. What I wanted was for him to step up a bit. I was very busy with school and it seemed easier to have him around making my meals and things so I think that played a role in the blindness as well. I'm not mad at him for putting his best foot forward in the beginning. I am a little upset though that he knew he didn't want to settle down the entire time and he made it seem like he wanted to in the beginning. Seems super selfish. He is 32. He shouldn't be able to just galavant around and *** up people emotionally and run away to daddy whenever it gets to be too much. I understand I made a lot of mistakes that led me here. I saw so much potential in him, a lot of people do, so it's frustrating to see someone waste talent that way.

Anyway, what do I do in the future? All the men I've been involved with seem to have red flags here or there. How am I supposed to know which flags are deal breakers and which ones are not? I have yet to meet someone who is red flag free. So idk. It is just exhausting. I'm sure a lot of you understand. I'm just exhausted. I do feel like I'm a good person with good values and a good heart and I just want something so simple lol someone to count on. I am fine alone. I know I am. But damn, it's so much nicer to share life with someone else. And I feel like I deserve that. So idk I feel like a Hallmark movie rn lol 

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Jump for joy that you  finally got rid of this parasite. The best Christmas present is now you're free to meet and date decent men.

 

😂 Can always count on your for wisdom 

[limichelle]

5 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

I agree with all of this. I mean, I definitely ignored red flags. What I wanted was for him to step up a bit. I was very busy with school and it seemed easier to have him around making my meals and things so I think that played a role in the blindness as well. I'm not mad at him for putting his best foot forward in the beginning. I am a little upset though that he knew he didn't want to settle down the entire time and he made it seem like he wanted to in the beginning. Seems super selfish. He is 32. He shouldn't be able to just galavant around and *** up people emotionally and run away to daddy whenever it gets to be too much. I understand I made a lot of mistakes that led me here. I saw so much potential in him, a lot of people do, so it's frustrating to see someone waste talent that way.

Anyway, what do I do in the future? All the men I've been involved with seem to have red flags here or there. How am I supposed to know which flags are deal breakers and which ones are not? I have yet to meet someone who is red flag free. So idk. It is just exhausting. I'm sure a lot of you understand. I'm just exhausted. I do feel like I'm a good person with good values and a good heart and I just want something so simple lol someone to count on. I am fine alone. I know I am. But damn, it's so much nicer to share life with someone else. And I feel like I deserve that. So idk I feel like a Hallmark movie rn lol 

I hear you!

 

Im almost 40 and I still have a lot to learn to find my life partner. 
 

You have to never settle for anyone if their actions never match their words, if they say things that indicate they themselves are no where ready to be in a relationship. You just simply cut ties and move on.

 

It’s better to just keep weeding and weeding through. Don’t waste a minute on someone’s disrespect. Sure some guys are good at smooth talking. Some love bomb right away. Just change what you will and won’t put up with. Becoming assertive and tuning into what makes you happy will help. Make a list of what it is you want in a partner. 
Do you want someone independent? Then put that on your list. Maybe someone who shares a similar hobby? 
 

This list will help you weed out those easier. Put virtues and traits at the top. List what you find disrespectful and what you think is a red flag. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

All the men I've been involved with seem to have red flags here or there. How am I supposed to know which flags are deal breakers and which ones are not? I have yet to meet someone who is red flag free. So idk. It is just exhausting. I'm sure a lot of you understand. I'm just exhausted. I do feel like I'm a good person with good values and a good heart and I just want something so simple lol someone to count on. I am fine alone. I know I am. But damn, it's so much nicer to share life with someone else. And I feel like I deserve that. So idk I feel like a Hallmark movie rn lol 

No.  Not all men have red flags that would make then an unsuitable partner. All people have flaws.  So when you're meeting men you get to know them over a reasonable period of time, you have your head in the clouds but your feet on the ground and you watch the feet not the lips. 

My husband has flaws. Me too.  Don't date anyone with red flags like lying, unable to hold down a job, drinks too much/uses illegal drugs (those are red flags for me for sure), makes offensive comments/no filter, road rage type stuff, etc.  No real need to decide -red flags are red flags. Bye bye.  But flaws -that's up to you -get very clear on your values and standards and goals and find someone who is compatible with all of those with any differences being relatively minor/resolvable/live withable.  

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

It is just exhausting. I'm sure a lot of you understand. I'm just exhausted. I do feel like I'm a good person with good values and a good heart and I just want something so simple lol someone to count on. I am fine alone. I know I am. But damn, it's so much nicer to share life with someone else.

Yes, of course. I think everyone understands. The problem is, loneliness causes bad judgment. And that is, of course, a catch-22. 

I think this is a very interesting video. I avoided it for a long time because I didn't like the title. But the speaker brings up some important points about keeping yourself in a good state of mental health. You may find it useful. I did.

 

[moodindigo91]

I'm having a really hard time coping 😥

[greenfox4]

28 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

I'm having a really hard time coping 😥

Try and keep yourself busy, have you got any friends/family you can see? Any tasks around the house that need doing? Put some positive music on, speak positively to yourself. You have to participate in your own emotional rescue. 

[moodindigo91]

3 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

Try and keep yourself busy, have you got any friends/family you can see? Any tasks around the house that need doing? Put some positive music on, speak positively to yourself. You have to participate in your own emotional rescue. 

Yes I am with my brother. But I have to speak to him tomorrow to deal with splitting up our things. I feel so defeated. I know I need to participate but I'm having such a hard time with this. I am surprised at myself. I am struggling. 

[greenfox4]

2 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Yes I am with my brother. But I have to speak to him tomorrow to deal with splitting up our things. I feel so defeated. I know I need to participate but I'm having such a hard time with this. I am surprised at myself. I am struggling. 

We all have tough times, in the long run you will be stronger for this experience even though it may not seem like it now.

I know it's tough but really have to focus on yourself and ensure you're not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself as that will just prolong how you're feeling.

[SooSad33]

On 12/23/2021 at 9:38 AM, moodindigo91 said:

My boyfriend, the one everyone said was a manchild, left me 😂 he packed his *** in his car and left and I haven't heard from him since. I am numb. I am lonely. I am sad. I feel so unworthy of any love. I don't understand why I give so much to people and I end up alone anyway.

Everyone always leaves you? So, you've been through this a number of times..

As you mentioned, he is a manchild, so is not something you'd want to tolerate forever anyways.. He's gone now?  Good then, you can take your time to work on accepting & healing from this guy.. and move on with your life.. to something better, in time, I'm sure.

Sure, for many we would like to have someone to be with forever.  But, sadly, for many it doesn't happen 😕 . Been there a few times as well.

But, for now I am not even looking.  I became mentally & emotionally exhausted.  if you're like this, then is best to just lay low for a good while and focus on you.

I have been on my own about 3 yrs and am okay with that.  No expectations or pressures and no heartache 😉 .

So, be kind to yourself.  Take it one day at a time and hang out more with friends/family.

 

 

[moodindigo91]

54 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Everyone always leaves you? So, you've been through this a number of times..

As you mentioned, he is a manchild, so is not something you'd want to tolerate forever anyways.. He's gone now?  Good then, you can take your time to work on accepting & healing from this guy.. and move on with your life.. to something better, in time, I'm sure.

Sure, for many we would like to have someone to be with forever.  But, sadly, for many it doesn't happen 😕 . Been there a few times as well.

But, for now I am not even looking.  I became mentally & emotionally exhausted.  if you're like this, then is best to just lay low for a good while and focus on you.

I have been on my own about 3 yrs and am okay with that.  No expectations or pressures and no heartache 😉 .

So, be kind to yourself.  Take it one day at a time and hang out more with friends/family.

 

 

Yes I've been through this before. But this feels so different. I am just mentally and emotionally burnt out. And all I want is for him to hold me while I process this and it sucks. He was my support system throughout law school and now it's gone and I feel like I crumbled. I'm just having a hard time like getting through it all 

[moodindigo91]

I have never felt like this before. I am worried about myself and my ability to get through this life anymore. It seems like I try so hard and I can't ever just find the happiness I want for myself. I can't help feeling I did something wrong and I hate that because I know I didn't. What the *** is wrong with me 

[SooSad33]

39 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Yes I've been through this before. But this feels so different. I am just mentally and emotionally burnt out. And all I want is for him to hold me while I process this and it sucks. He was my support system throughout law school and now it's gone and I feel like I crumbled. I'm just having a hard time like getting through it all 

Yes, mentally & emotionally exhausted.  I suggest you seek therapy to help you work through all of this.  Is how I ended up and I know I am struggling often & don't have the 'energy' expected to be involved again.  I did 4 yrs of therapy and it did help.

It will take some time but is often necessary to heal and accept - to be okay again.

And is not always YOU.  Things happen, and they fall apart 😕 .  Does not always work out.

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

I am just mentally and emotionally burnt out. And all I want is for him to hold me while I process this and it sucks. He was my support system throughout law school and now it's gone and I feel like I crumbled.

You didn't crumble, though. You got through law school, and this relationship helped you through that segment of your life. Take comfort in your accomplishments thus far. You're standing at a crossroads and that's difficult in and of itself. You have the world in front of you now. That's very scary, but also it's very good. Step forward into your life.

[gamon]

I just went back and read your thread from September.

It's rare that I see virtually every single poster responding with the same general advice which was to get away from this guy as fast as possible.

He did you a huge favor by leaving since you didn't have the internal strength to do it yourself, even though you acknowledged that the two of you were not compatible and he has no direction and no money and made it clear he has no interest in ever marrying you. I suggest you go back and read that thread and remind yourself of all the things that weren't working, especially the part about how even though he has no money and is supported by his dad, he went and got a tattoo that he can't even afford to pay for.

The good news is that it was a relatively short two years. You'll get over him and one day you'll look back and realized you dodged a bullet.

 

[Capricorn3]

On 12/26/2021 at 8:49 AM, moodindigo91 said:

 I am worried about myself and my ability to get through this life anymore. It seems like I try so hard and I can't ever just find the happiness I want for myself. I can't help feeling I did something wrong and I hate that because I know I didn't. What the *** is wrong with me  -  I'm mentally and emotionally burnt out.

When reading this, I can only strongly advise you look into some professional counseling/therapy to help you through this if you're clearly at the point that you can't cope.  You need help (imo).

"Why can't I find my life partner? That is literally all I want. Everyone always leaves."

If everyone always leaves, then I would say that you're the common denominator.  Also, one gets a strong sense of desperation on your side and that alone is enough to make people leave.  Your desperation literally oozes out of every pore and it's not an attractive trait to have - it makes people run.

Again, I would recommend therapy to help you figure why and where all this is coming from. I think you would benefit from it.

[boltnrun]

I had a series of relationships that ended badly.  I was unhappy during much of those relationships.

So after the last one ended (where I was unceremoniously dumped by an awful man), I decided to stop dating altogether until I figured out why I was not only choosing awful men, but why I was convinced I "loved" those men.  Obviously there was something wrong with my "picker".  

I was choosing men based on who approached me instead of dating slowly and deciding if they were right for me.  So I've stayed away from dating and really started thinking about what kind of man I wanted instead of what kind of status I wanted for myself.  To explain, instead of deciding "I want to be in a long term relationship." I changed it to "I want to be in a long term relationship WITH THE RIGHT MAN".  And yes, there is a big difference.  We can't just attach ourselves to whomever agrees to be in a relationship with us.  We do need to be picky and be sure the person we're allowing into our lives is a good person who matches with us in important ways.

Your ex was not a good match, and I know you know this.  You're wanting to be in a relationship but it's vital you don't sell yourself short just so you can have someone, anyone, in your life.  Be particular and choose wisely.

And yes, if you're at a crisis point please do tell a trusted family member or friend and also consult a professional.