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Feeling creeped out by this friend who appears to be into me? Advice?


Guest Anonymous
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So this girl messaged me on Instagram a few years back. She ended up being quite sexual with me and would constantly message me, demand me that I send her voice notes because she happened to be horny that day but seemed to have very little understanding that I live with a parent of mine, 1) I wasn't into it and 2) that. Would just say things like, 'you're an adult, doesn't your mother give you privacy?' just overall weird comments. I lean to being a bit bisexual btw. Also, when I told her I go to University, she basically made fun of that and said she never understood how someone could waste so much time studying (she's a nanny).

She kept demanding to meet up and would just say to come to her place, when she lived quite far away, something I was also not willing to do but she wasn't interested in meeting me out. Eventually one day I just told her that I felt overwhelmed by all of her texts and to basically back off. Fast forward, I stop contact with her and she gets really upset by my comment, says she tries to do the right thing and that now I've made her upset. She works with a photographer who I wanted some photos taken by and she almost made me go through her so I couldn't get a hold of him directly, thus having to book an appointment through her (meaning more contact). Perhaps not intentionally but he didn't respond to a message of mine, so I had to go through her. I had some photos taken the other day and she said she was coming to meet me and said in the text that we should grab a drink after. I stated that I wanted to essentially go home in a very polite way and was planning on going to the gym after my photos. Then after my photos are taken, I tell her that I would like to go home/gym. She basically berates me into going out with her and the photographer for drinks. I swallowed my pride and went. Then after copious amounts of drinks, we go back to the studio and she starts kissing me in front of the photographer and I'm like.. isn't this a bit unprofessional, anyway, I just felt awkward but she said he doesn't care. I was so drunk at this stage and stayed at hers after. She texted me almost immediately once I got home and then sent a follow up message yesterday saying 'Hey beautiful, how was your day?' then proceeds to get sexual, telling me the things she wants to do to me. Saying, we should have a bath together and all these other sexual comments. The one she sent last night I just stopped replying to. She messaged me again today asking if I want to come over Friday night. 

Advice? How do I get rid of this person?

TL;DR friend or whatever she is, appears to have no boundaries; one I'm not that interested and unsure how to get rid of her. She is nice for the most part which makes it harder.

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After sharing the details I would share your concern over her invasive behavior. She has gone too far with the unwanted contact. Unfortunately you slept with her and in her head it may be that she sees you as her boyfriend. 

With these type of people, cold turkey, is the best line of action. Sent her a text explaining that you do not like her chasing you and you feel harassed and this is why you will stop all contact with her. Then you block and delete and no matter what hooks she throws at you-photos, guilt trips, threats, etc...you simply do not respond.

Hopefully after sometime, she will get tired of harassing you and will leave you in peace.

If she shows up at your home, uni, you file a complaint at the police. 

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48 minutes ago, East4 said:

After sharing the details I would share your concern over her invasive behavior. She has gone too far with the unwanted contact. Unfortunately you slept with her and in her head it may be that she sees you as her boyfriend. 

With these type of people, cold turkey, is the best line of action. Sent her a text explaining that you do not like her chasing you and you feel harassed and this is why you will stop all contact with her. Then you block and delete and no matter what hooks she throws at you-photos, guilt trips, threats, etc...you simply do not respond.

Hopefully after sometime, she will get tired of harassing you and will leave you in peace.

If she shows up at your home, uni, you file a complaint at the police. 

Thank you very much. Do you think just ignoring her (unless she sends me more messages) is also a possible right action to take?

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I brought it to her attention, she keeps sending me 'x's at the end which is also a bit strange. Claims she respects and understands my decision but keeps asking me 'what has changed?' in terms of not wanting anything beyond. Claims she doesn't want anything romantic. However, her out rightness and invasiveness is also extending to her now saying 'I will call you later, it's too hard to say what I want to on here'; I am happy to talk to her but again, seems a lack of respect and boundaries. I have met this woman once. I understand if I was breaking up with someone and they acted like this but still.

I think she is also, probably undeniably lonely too. This is not my issue though. I have also stated that I am happy to be on friendly terms with her but I am worried she will continuously cross boundaries. If I do speak to her and I feel manipulated, I think I will have to block her. or that I will if she keeps messaging me. I am not this person's partner and it is infuriating that she almost has these expectations of me.

I have also told her that I have a family dinner tonight and may be unable to talk, instead of telling me to enjoy that and that we can speak at another time (again, her urgency is concerning), she says she will speak to me later.

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4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 she starts kissing me in front of the photographer and I was so drunk at this stage and stayed at hers after. 

Sounds like she and her "photographer" friend set you up for amateur porn. 

You'll never get this off the internet or pornhub or wherever they distributed this after getting you drunk, spiking your drink, whatever.

Report this to the police. Delete and block this scammer. 

 

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Block her?

You do know that you dont have to talk to anyone who you dont want to? Especially when they basically harass you. Because what you described is sexual harassment. Just say to her you are not comfortable with continuing whatever you guys have and block her. You are clearly unable to put the boundaries there so this is the way not to bother you again.

Also, why would you ever get drunk with somebody like that? You need to have your boundaries and not cave to pressure. If she demanded to jump to the well would you do it? OK you are a male, its not that hard to coax us into sex. But man, at least have some will to say "No" when it comes to somebody like that lol

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Definitely block her.

BUT you need to get out ahead of this with friends, family, and co-workers. You might be embarrassed telling people about her very aggressive sexual behavior; however she could become vindictive as a result of rejection and has the photographer as a witness. 

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You allowed all this to happen. So it's you that needs to change. Set boundaries and don't allow people to steamroller you.  

If you don't like a person, you get away from them. You don't have sex with them and blame alcohol.

Stand up for yourself and tell her to get lost. I don't think it's fair to just block and ignore.  You went along with all of this.. 

So it would probably be best to tell her something along the lines of:

'sorry. I'm not interested in continuing as we have been. I realized I sent mixed signals going along, but going forward I want to go our separate ways. please respect my decision.'

Then block her...

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9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I lean to being a bit bisexual btw.

You need to be honest with yourself. If you are in the closet about this, this woman is not your friend. If you want to explore your sexuality, there are better ways than meeting complete weirdos for "photo shoots". You can join some LGBT groups though college and use safer healthier ways to indulge all this.

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7 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Thank you very much. Do you think just ignoring her (unless she sends me more messages) is also a possible right action to take?

Unfortunately you have taught this lady, that if she persists enough with her harassments of you, you will relent and she can do anything she wants with you.

As other suggested send her a short message that you feel uncomfortable with her invasive behavior, therefore you cease contact. You will have to go hardcore no-contact, even a short further messages from you, will make her escalate the harassment.

Not to scare you, but there is this phenomena Erotomania, that affects mostly young women and can be very persistent (decades duration). Your opening post made me think of it, because when she started chasing you, she has never met you in person, and if all it took to become so obssessed with you, was just looking at your IG, boy, then you have quite a case on your hands.

Or perhaps she had ulterior motive all along, what others said about the x-rated photo shoot.

Can you please detail what sort of a photoshoot that was? 

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I guess I don't understand the concept of not being attracted to someone and not wanting involvement with them but having sex with them anyway. I don't (and haven't) have sex with someone I don't want to no matter how many drinks I've had.

That being said, you're going to have to firmly close the door you chose to open. 

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6 hours ago, Lambert said:

You allowed all this to happen. So it's you that needs to change. Set boundaries and don't allow people to steamroller you.  

If you don't like a person, you get away from them. You don't have sex with them and blame alcohol.

Stand up for yourself and tell her to get lost. I don't think it's fair to just block and ignore.  You went along with all of this.. 

So it would probably be best to tell her something along the lines of:

'sorry. I'm not interested in continuing as we have been. I realized I sent mixed signals going along, but going forward I want to go our separate ways. please respect my decision.'

Then block her...

^ I second this entire post.  I find it rather odd that you say you feel "creeped out" by this friend (who has never really been a friend in the first place) but then you go ahead and have sex with her. Blaming alcohol is an easy and weak excuse (imo).

Look within, reflect on your own behaviour and take this as a lesson learned. Responsibility for ones own actions/choices and all that good stuff.

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12 hours ago, East4 said:

Unfortunately you have taught this lady, that if she persists enough with her harassments of you, you will relent and she can do anything she wants with you.

As other suggested send her a short message that you feel uncomfortable with her invasive behavior, therefore you cease contact. You will have to go hardcore no-contact, even a short further messages from you, will make her escalate the harassment.

Not to scare you, but there is this phenomena Erotomania, that affects mostly young women and can be very persistent (decades duration). Your opening post made me think of it, because when she started chasing you, she has never met you in person, and if all it took to become so obssessed with you, was just looking at your IG, boy, then you have quite a case on your hands.

Or perhaps she had ulterior motive all along, what others said about the x-rated photo shoot.

Can you please detail what sort of a photoshoot that was? 

The photoshoot was just to get some photos taken of me. 

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6 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Of course. Agreed. No matter if male or female it still stands.

I'm a female. 

 

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with the others.  Also she was never ever a friend of yours.  Why did you describe her this way?  Nothing about your interactions suggest any form of friendship.

Completely agree, just didn't know what else to call her. 

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Update: she ended up calling me last night and I told her it's best we go our seperate ways. She then asked if I'm someone who basically retracts what I say. Then went onto say that we are similar when I mentioned something random. I'm not having it. I don't plan on responding to her any more and will block if it requires it. 

Completely understand that I made some errors by giving this person the wrong indication. However, as I brought up to her last night, I told her many months ago to stop with the sexual messages. I think she thinks that if she'll stop the sexual messages, that I'll want any contact with her. 

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12 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

You need to be honest with yourself. If you are in the closet about this, this woman is not your friend. If you want to explore your sexuality, there are better ways than meeting complete weirdos for "photo shoots". You can join some LGBT groups though college and use safer healthier ways to indulge all this.

Not in the closet. I'm mainly into men but open to women but not romantically. 

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5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Not in the closet. I'm mainly into men but open to women but not romantically. 

Ok. What exactly does that mean if you are bisexual but not romantically into women?

Whatever the case, explore your sexuality in safer environments.

Don't get drunk and and have photos of sexual situations with you and other women floating around.

Therapy could help you explore your confusion in a safe environment.

Edited by Wiseman2
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9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Completely understand that I made some errors by giving this person the wrong indication. However, as I brought up to her last night, I told her many months ago to stop with the sexual messages.

Well, you negated this by having sex with her. That's more than just a "wrong indication". If I was pursuing someone and they came over, had sex with me and spent the night I too would believe that person was interested in me in a romantic or sexual way.

It's not all on her.

But you do need to stick to your words this time. No more drunk and horny hookups with her. That would be borderline cruel to do it again.

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You could have & should have changed things permanently months ago.

You've accepted her advances & shown your weaker side.. IF we're not into someone we don't go talk/drink/sleep with them.. simple.

So, now you be honest and speak up!

Tell her it was all wrong and you're not into any of this again, then be done!  No more reason to continue contact.

As for the photographer, I suggest you find another one of those as well.

 

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