Something on my mind..

[Mranonin]

Hi everyone,

I have a few things that are nagging me in my relationship and would greatly appreciate your views/opinions. 
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, we don’t currently live together but I do spend every night at hers pretty much. Ever since we got together it’s always felt like whenever I suggest doing something with my family she feels as if it’s a chore, for example whenever I go out to visit my immediate family she’ll encourage me to be as quick as possible and very rarely comes with me even though I invite her every time. However when the tables are turned she expects me to attend all her family events and gets very agitated if I were to suggest I didn’t fancy it. 
I’m very close to my family but I feel like I’ve became more distant and haven’t made nowhere near the amount of effort that I made before our relationship with my family (nieces, nephews etc). 
I’m starting to feel like it’s controlling behaviour. I’ll occasionally buy her gifts of significant value which she’ll be great-full for, yet when I buy something for myself (usually golf clubs etc) she’ll claim I’m always wasting my money…

I feel like I’ve lost who I originally was and I’m becoming distant from my true self. I do love her but I’m not sure if I’m in love anymore and I really don’t want to upset her.

I constantly have doubts in my mind and don’t know what to do..

 

Thanks for reading 🙂

[gamon]

Things certainly seem one-sided in your relationship.

How much of this is because you allow it?

For example why do you spend almost every night at her place, why isn't it more evenly balanced? Unless there's logistics (roommates, etc).

As far as the family thing, have you brought it up? Have you suggested a compromise? "Look honey I don't mind spending time with your family but there's gotta be reciprocation here". That sort of thing.

Maybe you're too passive.

[Mranonin]

4 minutes ago, gamon said:

Things certainly seem one-sided in your relationship.

How much of this is because you allow it?

For example why do you spend almost every night at her place, why isn't it more evenly balanced? Unless there's logistics (roommates, etc).

As far as the family thing, have you brought it up? Have you suggested a compromise? "Look honey I don't mind spending time with your family but there's gotta be reciprocation here". That sort of thing.

Maybe you're too passive.

We both live with our parents still, we mostly stay hers as she works from home and it’s also closer for me.

I am a very passive person but I have raised this issue numerous times. She also makes no effort with my friends, yet we’re constantly planning things with her friendship group.

She constantly makes digs at my habits/behaviour patterns, asking when I’m going to grow up and sort myself out as things won’t work out as they are when we move in together.

I feel like I’ve lost total control of myself.

[Seraphim]

She is asking when you are going to grow up and she lives at home? Okaaaayyy. Please do yourself a favour and break up she is being a bully. 

[gamon]

2 minutes ago, Mranonin said:

I feel like I’ve lost total control of myself.

That's because she's slid her way into the driver's seat. You're in the back seat scrounging around for your testicles. Find them, pick them up and take the wheel.

[SooSad33]

this sounds basically one sided and she seems pretty unwilling to try to give a little on your side.

You want to go visit family?  Just go.  My son & his gf attend family functions when possible ( not all) and sometimes will be just him ( she has to work etc), and that's fine. But, I'm sure she does not make him feel guilt or the need to 'rush home' back to her, but let him enjoy his time out.

It's clear she's a negative challenge & unappreciative towards you re: money spent etc.

You've seen this with her now over 3 years.  If it's affecting you so much why are you staying with her?

[Rose Mosse]

She minimizes the importance of your family relationships and she doesn't respect you overall if she's suggesting you "grow up". That alone would be reason to make me pause and think. Someone who tells you to "grow up" is also saying that you are childish and immature. She views that of you or thinks that your likes/dislikes/behaviours/interests fall under something immature and inappropriate for your age or circumstances. 

Decide for yourself if that is true. And if it isn't, communicate that.

Buying her expensive gifts is only causing you more resentment towards her because you feel she takes you forgranted or doesn't accept you. You don't have to buy her expensive gifts. Be honest with her and how you feel. Be clear with her that your family relationships matter to you and she has to make an effort also. She may be keeping up appearances wanting to have you as her plus one but that she doesn't reciprocate or care about your family ties, suggests that she only cares about what her family thinks of her as an item with you. It's shallow and superficial and I'm hoping she has more substance than that.

If you have communicated all the above clearly and it still doesn't work and she continues to belittle you or show her disinterest in your life and family, take the hint. She is not interested in you as a person. You are just a willing body playing a role.

[Cherylyn]

I've been married for a long time.  I'm not particularly fond of my local in-laws and relatives and their insistence upon family gatherings in homes or restaurants several times a year.  My husband and sons enjoy these gatherings.  I don't always make an appearance but I do most of the time out of family obligations and being a good sport.

Relationships or marriages require compromises within reason.  Both of you need to cooperate somewhere regarding both sides of your family trees otherwise this argument will never go away.

As for gifts for her or gifts for yourself, again, both of you need to resolve this otherwise heated arguments, resentment and bitterness will ensue.

If you have doubts in your mind, perhaps she's not the one for you long term.  You will know when your patience runs out. 

[lostandhurt]

She is acting like a spoiled princess.  Do everything her way and there are no problems, think for yourself, buy something for yourself or even visit family and she has a negative opinion.

  Yes you need to locate your balls but once you do should you try and teach her what good relationships are built on or use them to set her straight on how you feel about everything you wrote to us about.  Then if she dismisses your feelings it is time to sack up and end things with her because it will only get worse as time goes by.

 She is a very selfish and self centered person and has very little empathy for you or your feelings.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Mranonin said:

We both live with our parents still, we mostly stay hers as she works from home and it’s also closer for me.

Ok. You're oversaturation with her family is because you're wearing out your welcome..

You need to stop imposing and staying there.

There's nothing "controlling" going on. 

Stay with your own family. No one has a gun to your head to camp out in her family's home..

Her house her family their rules. Pack up all your stuff and go back home where you belong.

You're using her and them for your own convenience. 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, Mranonin said:

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, we don’t currently live together but I do spend every night at hers pretty much.

Why not just move together then? It would be way easier because logistics. And prefferably out of parents home.

Anyway, I will say to you something that you will maybe not like. In your relationship you wear "slippers". That is what we call men such as you around here. "Yes Dear" men who let their other half dictate what to do. Suddenly your friends are of no importance, only hers are, you cant even spend time with your cousins because she orders you to come back quick but you need to spend time with her family, its OK when you buy her something but if you buy it for you then its a problem etc. Its not a bad thing "per se", some couples have that kind of dynamic where one side is more dominant one.  But you are starting to be bothered with it. So, change that. Go see your cousins and friends if you want. Feel free to buy stuff fo you, its your money. Be your own man. Dont lose your own identity for hers. 

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, Mranonin said:

I feel like I’ve lost who I originally was and I’m becoming distant from my true self. I do love her but I’m not sure if I’m in love anymore and I really don’t want to upset her.

You have your own place to live, so what are the consequences you fear of upsetting her?

I'd give her the option of joining me and making nice with my family whenever I want to go there, or not. If not, she has zero vote on how long I visit them.

On the flip side, if I want to model the behavior I'd like to see from her with my family, then I'd perform that well with hers.

[lonelyandblue]

Trust your gut instinct. From everything that you have stated here, it sounds like you know exactly what is going on and it is unhealthy and my advice is to run and find someone you can be healthy with.