Never good enough

[Lilred626]

Hey I don’t know where else to turn but I’m really struggling with this one specific fight in our relationship. My girlfriend is a badass woman, and I love that about her. She is strong willed, skillful, and confident. All amazing attributes. 
however, she’s got one internal struggle that holds her back and upsets her like crazy. She believes she must always be perceived at being great at everything she does. 
 

this has resulted in many little things, like Quitting or hiding hobbies that she enjoys because she doesn’t think she’s good enough. Getting aggressive about any notion that she has to work towards things. And anytime someone tells her to do something. Most the time she will just get angry about it behind their back, but I know when she’s mad at me and then she gets vitriolic when I bring it up. She won’t give me a way to win or be right at all because she can’t let me. I’ll say something as simple as “I think you’re good at this” and she’ll oppose me saying “no I’m not. Don’t coddle me” and then I’ll have to disagree with her till she finally comes to the conclusion “I’m not good enough for myself” and then I go “okay. I can understand that. How can we help you overcome that because although it’s a big hurdle it’s one I think you can and should work on! You’ll be happier!” And then she’s angry at me again for insinuating that she’s not good enough or not working. 
 

In the heat of the moment I’ve suggested all sorts of things; things like I’ll guess I will never speak to you about the things you love and I love watching you do. And she’s said that would be preferable to me seeing her like a failure. I’ve said I never see her as a failure. At worst we’re just all works in progesss and that too has made her mad. 
 

I can’t win and I don’t know what to do 😞 

[tattoobunnie]

Badasses aren't sore losers, and they help lift people up, not perpetually compete with them to keep them down.  Humility makes you a badass.  She's so busy focusing on being better than others, not the best. You should not be her therapist, and it's not your job to deal with her superiority complex.

No advice other than, time to drop this person...she seems to live no room to make you feel good.  It's seems to only ever to be about her.

[Lambert]

These are not admirable qualities at all. They rather denote a level of immaturity and self-centeredness.

Why are kissing her butt? I would run from this ego maniac.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lilred626 said:

I know when she’s mad at me and then she gets vitriolic when I bring it up. She won’t give me a way to win or be right at all because she can’t let me.

These are all issues that only she can resolve through therapy for her anger issues, poor self esteem, etc. Do Not Get Involved. 

Don't play therapist or try to convince her she so amazing if you feel she just bites your head off as a result. 

Your saccharine platitudes don't help either so stop that. Let her be how she is without you chronically trying to play cheerleader or tweak her.

 If she's nasty and abuse, rethink this relationship.

[Batya33]

She's not confident at all.  She's arrogant and insecure. That's not badass.  

[Rose Mosse]

You're probably over-helping her. I'd examine why you feel you need to do that. She's her own person so don't get so involved in what she does. Step back and work on yourself. 

All this bickering is no good for either of you. 

[Kwothe28]

Is your girfriend narcissist? I ask because I dated one that never even took the driving test because she was bad at driving even though she even took extra classes on top of regular ones. And never even plans to take it because failing would probably mean she is bad at something and she cant allow that. Also, you are basically telling somebody that runs on ego that she is not good and needs help in overcoming something. In the words of Iron Man: "Not a great plan".

I would also think about the relationship if she really is. Narcissist dont make great partners because, well, they make everything about them. You are just there to uplift them, if you cant, you serve no purpose in their eyes. 

[melancholy123]

I think she's pretending to be all bad ass and being better than everyone else while deep down she's scared sh1tless.  I think she feels totally inadequate, for whatever reason, yet tries to show how great she is.  I think she needs help, and you are not qualified to give it.

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I think she's pretending to be all bad ass and being better than everyone else while deep down she's scared sh1tless.  

That's my read on it, too. 

She doesn't sound confident at all. She just tries deseprately to put on an act so people won't see how insecure she actually is. 

3 hours ago, Lilred626 said:

I’ll say something as simple as “I think you’re good at this” and she’ll oppose me saying “no I’m not. Don’t coddle me” and then I’ll have to disagree with her

You don't have to do that. You should stop doing it, actually. She cannot accept a compliment gracefully without turning it into a major rump-kissing session. Stop enabling it. The next time she tells you to stop coddling her, say "okay" and change the subject. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I agree.  Don't enable it.  Stop playing her 'mind game'. as you see, even when you do try to compliment her 'good deeds', she shuns that!

 

I was thinking this some sort of Manipulation: (do you think?)

They make you feel guilty… for everything. Manipulation always start with guilt. ...

They force their insecurities on you. ...

They make you doubt yourself. ...

They make you responsible for their emotions. ..

* this is insensitive and concerning*

So, don't even try to 'make her feel better', you'll just continue to end up feeling worthless in a sense, right?  it's exhausting.

 

[Lilred626]

10 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

I think she's pretending to be all bad ass and being better than everyone else while deep down she's scared sh1tless.  I think she feels totally inadequate, for whatever reason, yet tries to show how great she is.  I think she needs help, and you are not qualified to give it.

It’s terrifying and sag to hear this. Because… I think you’re right.she needs help. .. and I can’t 

[catfeeder]

When I love someone and value our relationship more than being right, I tend to sense when my best intentions are making someone angry.

From there, I stop doing that thing.

So my best takeaway from this would be to keep loving girlfriend AND respect her limits.

That means allowing her to learn her own stuff in her own time, and let her evolve from that as she so chooses.

Stop. Picking. That.