Is this a major sexual issue in the relationship or am I over thinking it?

[lionheart153]

Disclaimer: I didn't realize how graphic my post was going to be when I first started so I apologize if this offends anyone. 

So to start off, I am a (M32) and my GF is (F28). We've been together for 6 months now. At this age I find that what you seek for in a relationship is much more clear. And I am not afraid to say that I think she is the one. Quite confidently. She and I clicked from the moment we met but we took our time to get to know each other. What we found was that we were almost the same person. We both share interests in things such as fitness, or hobbies, taste in style, even food choices and adventures. Yet our own differences offset each others and work extremely well. We work in a somewhat similar industry and our drive to work hard and hustle to build a future is exactly the same so often find it so relatable and understandable  when we shared frustrations or talk about our day. And I find it just so easy to be interested in her things that its just effortless which I now believe it is how it should be. Things she is into that I am not, I find interesting and want to learn, and vise versa she does the same. 

The bedroom is where I am worried, yet it isn't in the way you probably assume. 

To start I just want to say that I don't think I am exceptionally a great lover in bed, but I found often in past encounters I always strive to pleasure my partner. It's just who I am, as I find it gratifying. I mean I could easily just do a quickie and get off but it just never sits well. I like to get intimate, use my hands, and most importantly I enjoy helping my partner climax. I know some of you will try to be negative and say "they were probably faking it" which in all honestly they could be and I would never know. But I know at least from 1 of my ex's I was able to make her orgasm, quite violently I might add that I was scared that I thought she was having a seizure. And in many of my encounters I am told I help them achieve in someway.  And sometimes it isn't obvious but sometimes it is extremely (ie convulsions, squirting aggressively, after sex having to just lay there and not move for 10 mins).

Anyways to my point, I still think I am average. But often times in my past I get bored or grossed out with sex, infact my last ex as the relationship started to die, I often avoided sex as I just didn't enjoy it with her even though she enjoyed it with me. 

With my GF now, I notice that the sex is great, but she wants to do it every day. She had told me prior that in her past relationship they barely had sex, maybe 7 times in a year because it was awful. The first time we had sex, I made her climax so hard that she panicked and screamed because she didn't expect it, or experienced a climax during sex before. And of course the convulsions, she was stuck lying on the bed for 10 mins before she moved. In fact every time we have sex I often make her come multiple times. And before you say she's faking it, we often have to put a towel on the bed or whatever as she often.. you know. The sex was so good we basically have had sex every single day since we became official, and I'll be honest I am tired, and I find it harder to maintain a proper erection. We switch it up and stuff, and it's not that I don't want to be maybe I am just exhausted. She never forces me, but I feel bad for always letting her initiate because I think she is beginning to see that it is mostly her initiating. And she thinks because it is she is not attractive because she gained a few lbs and is going hard at the gym to get fit and toned again. 

I am worried that I get bored with sex to much or if it me just exhausted.

Is there a way to approach this without upsetting her? And am I weird? Or is it normal for sex to feel this way, one of those to much of a good thing scenarios?

[Anonymous]

We all are different and every women you can gently talk about it tiring you and let her know she is attractive to you with kindness and open communication 

[Rose Mosse]

It’s sounds one-sided. Does she reciprocate? 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

We've been together for 6 months now. .the sex is great, but she wants to do it every day.  she thinks because it is she is not attractive because she gained a few lbs and is going hard at the gym to get fit and toned again. 

I am worried that I get bored with sex to much or if it me just exhausted.

It's only 24 weeks dating and things are not in sync yet with regard to sexuality.

Try other things like romance, dates etc. if she thinks you're not attracted to her.

If you feel sexually incompatible observe this. There's nothing to "discuss" in that this is your issue. She has a stronger libido than you do. There's nothing defective or strange about her.

You are already letting her initiate so it's hard to tell why you're "exhausted". 

You need more than intense orgasms and towels to make this work. You need date nights and nonsexual time together.

[DarkCh0c0]

Well, you can tell her that you enjoy it but would like to tone it down a bit. From daily, to every other day for example.

See how she reacts. It's important you assure her that you love doing it, you love her, and that she's still desired. But you have different needs, so you guys need to find a middle-ground/ compromise. And, It's okay.

As Wiseman also suggested, maybe you can do other activities than sex as well.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. A couple of things that you might consider. 

(1) In my last few relationships / a recent FWB, I sometimes experienced a lower sex drive. At times, this was indicative of lacking connection or emotional intimacy. I.e., something was bothering me, perhaps, and I felt I was more distant because I had not communicated the way I was feeling. Is there something nonsexual that is bothering you in the relationship? If so, have you communicated this to her? 

(2) At times, partners/I have experienced a lower sex drive due to external stress or mental health issues. Do you have a lot going on, either in terms of stress or mental health issues, in your outside life?

(3) Is she taking care of you in the bedroom? Do you have fantasies or kinks you want to try out that you have not tried out yet? Were there certain activities in your last relationship(s) that you really liked that are not happening now?

(4) are you feeling insecure sexually? I had a nightmare sexual experience recently that obviated my sexual confidence for a few weeks. During that time, I did not want to have sex, even with a recent fwb. I mention this because you mention others might have faked orgasms (it really doesn't sound like that from what you described imo). Are you sexually insecure? Did something happen recently that made you doubt your ability to perform?

(5) it is possible everything is great and you just have a slightly lower sex drive. Or you are just tired, as you said, lol. I don't think it would be bad to take a day or two off every now and then lol.

-- 

Lastly, I agree with @Wiseman2's suggestion that you spend more nonsexual time together. Taking the time out for romance and emotional connection seems important to you (see your comments about quickies, for instance). I feel similarly. I find that nonsexual time together (romance or just hanging out, deep conversation) ultimately helps in the bedroom. 

[MissCanuck]

52 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

Is there a way to approach this without upsetting her?

I am not sure what you're getting at, exactly. 

That it's too much? That you're not deriving as much pleasure from it as she is? That's she's not trying to please you as much as trying to get herself off?

 

[anonymous12323124]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I am not sure what you're getting at, exactly. 

That it's too much? That you're not deriving as much pleasure from it as she is? That's she's not trying to please you as much as trying to get herself off?

 

I think the OP means without offending her to ask for a break once and a while and not every day be hooking up. She may think he is not interested in her or not as attracted if refuses her initiating.

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, lionheart153 said:

With my GF now, I notice that the sex is great, but she wants to do it every day.

How dreadful for you. L.

[lionheart153]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's only 24 weeks dating and things are not in sync yet with regard to sexuality.

Try other things like romance, dates etc. if she thinks you're not attracted to her.

If you feel sexually incompatible observe this. There's nothing to "discuss" in that this is your issue. She has a stronger libido than you do. There's nothing defective or strange about her.

You are already letting her initiate so it's hard to tell why you're "exhausted". 

You need more than intense orgasms and towels to make this work. You need date nights and nonsexual time together.

Appreciate the suggestion. We actually spend a lot of non-sexual time together. 24 weeks of dating, over a year of know each other all together. We do a lot of activities, whether it be date night though those are getting limited as covid restrictions are on the rise once again. We cook together and even go ride our motorcycles together (a hobbies she picked up from me and loves). In short we spend alot of time together, and honestly I wouldn't want it anyway.  It isn't incompatible sexually, and I'm not sure you understand how it feels to deny someone who is initiating sex. I am worried I will hurt her as when I do, she often goes to the gym the next day and mentions she wants to be fit and look attractive to me. Even though I tell her I am attracted to her. I am wondering if this is normal for some or am I out to lunch in feeling tired of having sex. The actual sex once engaged isn't the issue. And I certainty don't think great sex is enough to keep a relationship together. All other aspects are perfect and I want to know if this is something I need to work on and figure out or if this is something to discuss and work together on. 

20 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, OP. A couple of things that you might consider. 

(1) In my last few relationships / a recent FWB, I sometimes experienced a lower sex drive. At times, this was indicative of lacking connection or emotional intimacy. I.e., something was bothering me, perhaps, and I felt I was more distant because I had not communicated the way I was feeling. Is there something nonsexual that is bothering you in the relationship? If so, have you communicated this to her? 

(2) At times, partners/I have experienced a lower sex drive due to external stress or mental health issues. Do you have a lot going on, either in terms of stress or mental health issues, in your outside life?

(3) Is she taking care of you in the bedroom? Do you have fantasies or kinks you want to try out that you have not tried out yet? Were there certain activities in your last relationship(s) that you really liked that are not happening now?

(4) are you feeling insecure sexually? I had a nightmare sexual experience recently that obviated my sexual confidence for a few weeks. During that time, I did not want to have sex, even with a recent fwb. I mention this because you mention others might have faked orgasms (it really doesn't sound like that from what you described imo). Are you sexually insecure? Did something happen recently that made you doubt your ability to perform?

(5) it is possible everything is great and you just have a slightly lower sex drive. Or you are just tired, as you said, lol. I don't think it would be bad to take a day or two off every now and then lol.

-- 

Lastly, I agree with @Wiseman2's suggestion that you spend more nonsexual time together. Taking the time out for romance and emotional connection seems important to you (see your comments about quickies, for instance). I feel similarly. I find that nonsexual time together (romance or just hanging out, deep conversation) ultimately helps in the bedroom. 

to answer directly, yes I am stressed with work right now. With covid restrictions on the rise here work could be affected and business will be slow meaning possible loss of income. 

She absolutely does and if I want something she is more than happy to oblige if she is comfortable with it. And no nothing in my past I enjoyed that I can't do with her to honest. with maybe the exception of one thing? But I'm not even sure I want to do that yet with her. 

I am feeling insecure in my self as I am the heaviest I have been so I know that if I go back to the gym and get in shape that would help and it is already something I am working on. And I do feel insecure sexually because I have gotten so used to the fact that if my partner doesn't enjoy or climax it bothers me somewhere inside me. While I have told her this I hope she does not fake it to appease me. But to answer you question yes. I don't ever feel like its faked but there was one time she did not climax and I think she could tell  I was bothered. It was just an off night where I couldn't last which was very unlike me. 

[LaHermes]

8 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

I am feeling insecure in my self as I am the heaviest I have been so I know that if I go back to the gym and get in shape that would help and it is already something I am working on

Being overweight can lead to tiredness, OP.  A good idea to get back in shape, mainly for the sake of your health. 

Try not to obsess, OP. It seems she is enjoying it just fine!

 

[mical]

She sounds very attracted to ya and you are doing great at keeping her satisfied in the bedroom - what’s the secret ??? 🤣🤣

The last women I was dating also were aggressive (if that’s a way to call it?) sexually in initiating and pursuing .. all .. the .. time and it made me feel VERY guilty if I would turn down.. 

(I actually lost a ‘friend’ because I turned her down. Long story - but met her and a friend at a music festival like 15 years ago when I was younger, had idea to do last minute trip to Niagara Falls with her, it was getting late so she suggested a hotel but I was so naive lol and she asked if she could put on porn channel and I fell asleep - I wasn’t attracted to her in that way and she wasnt really not my type - and oh boy was she angry last time I seen her !) 🤦‍♂️ 

You could always just turn it around and just offer to give her a massage or something .. 

Yes, she will be sad if you reject her I think this is very common especially since women are not used to being rejected as much as us guys IMO.

What you will need to do is be very comforting to her and give LOTS of reassurance like - “hey hun you are sooo hot and sexy to me, I have that stupid work stuff on my mind, I know it’s stupid, so I’m a bit stressed about that, so how about tomorrow I’ll ...”

Yeah it’s pretty stressful times with Covid, at least the economy is picking up and I’ve been reading lots in newspapers right now workers have more power and are in demand than before.

Even starting to save for an emergency fund 3-6 months of basic expenses would help get rid of any worries, but the economy is picking up, I just wish I invested 10,000 in Bitcoin when Covid hit and sold it now making almost 100k... oh well too late for that

Also with working out etc yeah this was crappy year as well for many with not being able to go to gyms etc.. So far I’ve been trying intermittent fasting which is where you skip breakfast except can have coffee or tea , have lunch and last meal before 8  pm I think it helps with calorie control and is supposed to be overall pretty healthy .. 

so back again to my original question  - what’s the secret ??? 🤣🤣🤣

 

Also don’t worry so much if you didn’t make her climax as usual, from what I can tell it’s more about the experience not so much the end result .. 

 

 

[Pleasedonot5]

28 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

Appreciate the suggestion. We actually spend a lot of non-sexual time together. 24 weeks of dating, over a year of know each other all together. We do a lot of activities, whether it be date night though those are getting limited as covid restrictions are on the rise once again. We cook together and even go ride our motorcycles together (a hobbies she picked up from me and loves). In short we spend alot of time together, and honestly I wouldn't want it anyway.  It isn't incompatible sexually, and I'm not sure you understand how it feels to deny someone who is initiating sex. I am worried I will hurt her as when I do, she often goes to the gym the next day and mentions she wants to be fit and look attractive to me. Even though I tell her I am attracted to her. I am wondering if this is normal for some or am I out to lunch in feeling tired of having sex. The actual sex once engaged isn't the issue. And I certainty don't think great sex is enough to keep a relationship together. All other aspects are perfect and I want to know if this is something I need to work on and figure out or if this is something to discuss and work together on. 

to answer directly, yes I am stressed with work right now. With covid restrictions on the rise here work could be affected and business will be slow meaning possible loss of income. 

She absolutely does and if I want something she is more than happy to oblige if she is comfortable with it. And no nothing in my past I enjoyed that I can't do with her to honest. with maybe the exception of one thing? But I'm not even sure I want to do that yet with her. 

I am feeling insecure in my self as I am the heaviest I have been so I know that if I go back to the gym and get in shape that would help and it is already something I am working on. And I do feel insecure sexually because I have gotten so used to the fact that if my partner doesn't enjoy or climax it bothers me somewhere inside me. While I have told her this I hope she does not fake it to appease me. But to answer you question yes. I don't ever feel like its faked but there was one time she did not climax and I think she could tell  I was bothered. It was just an off night where I couldn't last which was very unlike me. 

Work on the things that you can control. If the weight bothers you, go on walks or head to the gym. That might help with the tiredness too.  I am currently working on losing a few pounds (my weight is alright, but I would feel better if I were a little more in shape. ). I am going to the gym and going on runs. I see and feel the difference. It is a game changer, let me tell you. 

Also, OP. Keep it mind that she wants to jump your bones every night. She wants you so bad that she is exhausting you (good problem to have lol)! I assure you that means she is enjoying herself. 

And, news for you, OP. Not everyone needs to climax every time. Your sexual worth is not measured by the number of orgasms you give. Someone could enjoy himself or herself plenty irrespective of climax. Sometimes I could be really enjoying myself but then my body is like, "nope, not tonight!" Usually, I am pretty forthcoming about what I want a partner to do, so the occasional inability to orgasm doesn't make me think a partner isn't doing it right.  

[dias]

40 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

How dreadful for you. L.

Depends who is doing all the work.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Being overweight can lead to tiredness, OP.  A good idea to get back in shape, mainly for the sake of your health. 

Try not to obsess, OP. It seems she is enjoying it just fine!

Good point. If you are huffing and puffing through things it is exhausting.

 As an aside, ever heard the joke: "How do you cure a nymphomaniac?"

Ans: "Marry her". 

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

Appreciate the suggestion. We actually spend a lot of non-sexual time together. 24 weeks of dating, over a year of know each other all together. We do a lot of activities, whether it be date night though those are getting limited as covid restrictions are on the rise once again. We cook together and even go ride our motorcycles together (a hobbies she picked up from me and loves). In short we spend alot of time together, and honestly I wouldn't want it anyway.  It isn't incompatible sexually, and I'm not sure you understand how it feels to deny someone who is initiating sex. I am worried I will hurt her as when I do, she often goes to the gym the next day and mentions she wants to be fit and look attractive to me. Even though I tell her I am attracted to her. I am wondering if this is normal for some or am I out to lunch in feeling tired of having sex. The actual sex once engaged isn't the issue. And I certainty don't think great sex is enough to keep a relationship together. All other aspects are perfect and I want to know if this is something I need to work on and figure out or if this is something to discuss and work together on. 

to answer directly, yes I am stressed with work right now. With covid restrictions on the rise here work could be affected and business will be slow meaning possible loss of income. 

She absolutely does and if I want something she is more than happy to oblige if she is comfortable with it. And no nothing in my past I enjoyed that I can't do with her to honest. with maybe the exception of one thing? But I'm not even sure I want to do that yet with her. 

I am feeling insecure in my self as I am the heaviest I have been so I know that if I go back to the gym and get in shape that would help and it is already something I am working on. And I do feel insecure sexually because I have gotten so used to the fact that if my partner doesn't enjoy or climax it bothers me somewhere inside me. While I have told her this I hope she does not fake it to appease me. But to answer you question yes. I don't ever feel like its faked but there was one time she did not climax and I think she could tell  I was bothered. It was just an off night where I couldn't last which was very unlike me. 

You’re a bit too worried about this. How close are you emotionally with each other? If you’re placing a lot of importance on how you perform, it’s never that interesting as the act itself becomes mechanical and routine. 

Working out and being active definitely does lend a boost of endorphins and you’ll feel better overall. Good luck with the work outs. I’m a fan of being outside. Even if it’s lapping around and around a lake swimming or kayaking that does it for me. Whatever floats your boat and gets you active.

[catfeeder]

I would pick a non-sexual time to raise with her that you're feeling stressed to perform at work.

From there I would raise that you feel a special intimacy in confiding this to her, and you hope that she will understand that you want to take some comfort in your time with her by cuddling and enjoying intimacy in ways that don't require you to perform sexually at this time.

Leave that with her to sink in, and listen for how she responds.

If she's empathetic, you've got a keeper, and if she personalizes it, consider how invested she is in you versus her own ego.

You don't get to determine her response, but you DO get to decide how to interpret her response.

Be true to Your Self.

[waffle]

On 9/4/2021 at 1:57 PM, lionheart153 said:

 . . . I just want to say that I don't think I am exceptionally a great lover in bed, but I found often in past encounters I always strive to pleasure my partner. It's just who I am, as I find it gratifying. I mean I could easily just do a quickie and get off but it just never sits well. I like to get intimate, use my hands, and most importantly I enjoy helping my partner climax. I know some of you will try to be negative and say "they were probably faking it" which in all honestly they could be and I would never know. But I know at least from 1 of my ex's I was able to make her orgasm, quite violently I might add that I was scared that I thought she was having a seizure. And in many of my encounters I am told I help them achieve in someway.  And sometimes it isn't obvious but sometimes it is extremely (ie convulsions, squirting aggressively, after sex having to just lay there and not move for 10 mins).

 

I don't know, you sound like a sexual god with a magic ***k , I'm surprised more women aren't begging for sex with you.

[smackie9]

If you have become her magic man of course she's going to want it all the time duh. She's been very thirsty for a long time. Obviously your parts fit together just right.

I think you should have a conversation with her about your past issues, and that too much can stop making it special, that you would like to hold off a few days, so it will heighten the experience. Sounds like you have gotten to the point now that you need more emotional connection, but not through sex. Emotional connection through spending time together doing activities, hobbies, etc. If she understands this she will know this has nothing to do with physical attraction, that you need more than that. I notice there has been some ribbing in the comments, that there must be something wrong with you. IMO everyone is different in their wants and needs in building intimacy. You just have to explain yours more clearly to your GF.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If you have become her magic man of course she's going to want it all the time

Why do you think crack-cocaine would help?🤔

[smackie9]

That's not what the song is about lol.

[lostandhurt]

First off you are not weird, in fact what you are experiencing is normal.   I read a study years and years ago that found that the more good/great sex women have the more they want it (duh right?) BUT the more sex men have the less they want it. 

  I used this to my advantage all these years and like you I get my enjoyment from helping my partner reach at least one orgasm before I do.  With my exwife I wouldn't allow myself to finish until she had at least two orgasms and yes they were real.  So you see you are actually ahead of the game here.

  Your desire dropping is natural and hers peaking is  because you are rocking her world.  I have been in your shoes many times with lovers and I finally found that if I just talked to them and let them know I really want to be intimate but if I am worn out I will not be able to give them as much pleasure I want which is the most important thing to me.  

  Strange how having sex is so much easier than talking about it with your partner.

When it is all new the lust drives you into the ground and if you were 22 not 32 you probably wouldn't be on this forum.

  Time to talk to her and explain to her how much  her pleasure means to you and you want to make sure each time you are able to fulfill all her needs but you cannot keep up this pace and do that too.  Make sure she sees how much her pleasure means to you and she will understand.

  Sounds like this is a good problem to have don't you think?  Talk to her, it will be okay.

Lost

[BecxyRex]

I haven’t read all the responses, so I apologize if this has been addressed already. It sounds like you put lots of work into having sex to make sure your partner always reaches an orgasm. It all sounds fairly intense, and when you’re already out of shape, it can turn into a chore. Personally, I don’t need to orgasm to enjoy sex with my husband. The connection is often enough. She really loves you and may just want to connect sexually without needing a convulsing orgasm. Maybe if you start approaching it that way without the need to achieve breath-taking climax, it may become something you can enjoy more. Of course, if you don’t feel like it every day, there’s nothing wrong with it either. I think a simple “Im a bit tired tonight, let’s cuddle on the sofa instead” shouldn’t shake a secure relationship.