Partner won't work

[poorlittlefish]

If he really loved you and cared about your welfare, he'd take responsibility for himself. He'd proactively get a job (if your country is like the UK there are lots available), he'd proactively get help for his anxiety and he'd be desperate to take some of the financial burden off you. He's happy to sit around, sponging off you while you work yourself into the ground. What does that tell you? He's managed it for the best part of 5 years already. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? 

[East4]

Saifox, why are you wasting your precious fertility window with a mooch who is drains you dry of your hard-earned money? You have barely another 10 years of opportunity to bear children, so you have to chose your partners carefully if you want marriage and children. You already work yourself to exhaustion and have nothing to show for your hard work, because your excuse of a boyfriend drains your finances. He has even no decency to discuss the issue with you.

Would you marry him and have children with him, if you know that he is not capable to provide for himself, left alone for you and children? Are you prepared to work yourself to death to barely get by your entire life if you marry this man and have children with him? What a miserable way of life this would be for you and your kids.

If you think about the future and what you want from it, and you do not see your boyfriend to be a supportive figure in this future of yours, then it is time to change the status quo. Put your foot firmly down and tell your boyfriend to get out of the apartment, because you are not his mommy anymore and he has to get a job.

 

[Jibralta]

17 hours ago, saifox234 said:

I really love him and want to marry him but there's one pretty huge issue in our relationship. I've worked for the entirety of our relationship while he's maybe worked a total of 1 year between different jobs over the past 5 years.

What does marriage mean to you? Is a husband a partner or a trophy? Is marriage punishment?

Why are you so determined to get married to an absolute dead weight? At such a high cost to yourself, your time, and your quality of life?

You can't polish a turd. Unless you want to spend every waking moment supporting this man like a glorified pet, your only option is to break up with him.

16 hours ago, DancingFool said:

See how quickly he gets a job or dumps you and moves in with someone else as you are no longer of use to him.

You know this deep down inside, but the truth is too painful for you to face. 

[LaHermes]

4 hours ago, Jibralta said:

but the truth is too painful for you to face. 

Indeed. And the OP has not returned. 

[boltnrun]

55 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Indeed. And the OP has not returned. 

I presume the OP didn't want to be told "break up". I think the OP wants someone to come up with some kind of magic formula that will turn her lazy boyfriend into someone who is ambitious and productive. But there's no way to turn a freeloading leech into a productive member of society when there's no benefit for them.

OP, the only person you can change is you. Decide a freeloading leech is not the kind of person you want to lock yourself onto for life. Choose better for yourself.

You may be surprised how relieved you'll feel once you remove this lazy freeloader from your life.

Wouldn't it feel wonderful to only have to work one job instead of three?

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Wouldn't it feel wonderful to only have to work one job instead of three?

Four jobs, if you count the endless, arduous process of coaxing someone like this into becoming a productive, supportive participant in the relationship.

[Pleasedonot5]

On 9/2/2021 at 12:50 PM, saifox234 said:

First time posting something like this online. Just don't really have anyone in real life that I feel comfortable talking to about this. 

My partner (26M) and I (25F) have been dating for 5 years now and I really love him and want to marry him but there's one pretty huge issue in our relationship. I've worked for the entirety of our relationship while he's maybe worked a total of 1 year between different jobs over the past 5 years. I understand because we were both in college but now that we've both graduated nothings changed. 

I work 50+ hours a week with 1 full time job and 1 part time job. I pay our full rent, internet, groceries, pet supplies and any other expenses because he won't get a job. He said that he's looking and I've trusted him for a while but it's been over a year and a half now and I feel like im drowning in finances. I can't afford anything for myself. I can barely afford my medication and car payments and I'm so tired of having no savings because I'm using my entire income to support myself, my partner and our pets. I might even need to get a 3rd job once I have to start paying my student loans back.

Any time I try to talk to him about it though he just shuts down. He has severe anxiety and I suspect he also has agoraphobia which the pandemic has just made worse so I understand to a degree but I also have diagnosed severe anxiety. I take medication for it and went to therapy until I couldn't afford it anymore. He refuses to get help and I just don't know how to talk to him about it.

I'm worried that every time I talk about this problem everyone will just say to break up with him but it's easier said than done. Other than financial problems, our relationship is great and I love him so much. 

How do I talk to him in a productive way without him completely stone walling me?

"Hey, [Partner], we need to talk. Let me tell you what I am feeling first and then you can respond. 

I understand what it is like to have an anxiety disorder or mental health issues. It can feel absolutely awful. However, we have to make the best of it. Modern science has developed a variety of treatments, which you could start the moment you decide to help yourself. I have chosen to seek help for my anxiety disorder. Since you have not taken active steps to start a treatment for your mental health issues, I am left to conclude that you are comfortable taking no action for yourself, and for us.

I say, for us, because your mental health issues are a major obstacle to you making an effort to find gainful employment. Currently, I am working fifty-plus hours per week and footing almost 100 percent of the bills. Despite that, I am barely keeping us afloat. To make matters worse, my student loan payments will become due shortly, and this will make our financial situation even more difficult. The way things are financially between us is unsustainable.

If our relationship is to continue, you need to seek treatment for your mental health issues. After you do so, I need to see you make an earnest effort to obtain gainful employment, through (1) use of our alma mater's career office (for resume, cover letter, and interview help), and (2) completing and submitting applications every week until you find a job. 

If I do not see this effort, our relationship is in deep trouble." 

[Batya33]

I personally would not make those comments to this person's partner if I were the OP.  He already knows there is modern science. He knows he could seek treatment if he chose to.  He knows others with mental health issues work or pursue gainful employment with everything they've got.  And then some.  He knows she knows how it feels.  She's told him that ad nauseum. And shown him. He doesn't care.   If I were to do the "last ditch effort/one more chance" sort of thing I would say:

I feel our arrangement is unfair and I need a change in the arrangement if we are to continue living together and being together.  Here is what I need. In the next month, I need to see that you have spent every day looking for work and I need to see that you've emailed resumes, followed up, and obtained at least a few interviews.  I need to see you pursuing jobs you can do right now for the meanwhile whether it's fast food or Starbucks or customer service. 

Yes, this is an ultimatum because I feel I've done far too much to support us financially.  I'm very tired of all the extra work I am doing to provide for you financially.  So by next month if you don't have a job or at least a job offer you are planning to take and start ASAP I would like you to move out. I will help you look for a place and I'll consider helping you with first months' rent.  

We've already talked too much about your mental health issues.  You are an adult and you can figure out how to look for jobs and work at a job while also seeking treatment for your mental health issues. I am happy to help you as  far as discussing which therapists you've considered and like that but you are an adult and if you want to be with me I need to see you step up to the plate in a big way.

[Pleasedonot5]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I personally would not make those comments to this person's partner if I were the OP.  He already knows there is modern science. He knows he could seek treatment if he chose to.  He knows others with mental health issues work or pursue gainful employment with everything they've got.  And then some.  He knows she knows how it feels.  She's told him that ad nauseum. And shown him. He doesn't care.   If I were to do the "last ditch effort/one more chance" sort of thing I would say:

I feel our arrangement is unfair and I need a change in the arrangement if we are to continue living together and being together.  Here is what I need. In the next month, I need to see that you have spent every day looking for work and I need to see that you've emailed resumes, followed up, and obtained at least a few interviews.  I need to see you pursuing jobs you can do right now for the meanwhile whether it's fast food or Starbucks or customer service. 

Yes, this is an ultimatum because I feel I've done far too much to support us financially.  I'm very tired of all the extra work I am doing to provide for you financially.  So by next month if you don't have a job or at least a job offer you are planning to take and start ASAP I would like you to move out. I will help you look for a place and I'll consider helping you with first months' rent.  

We've already talked too much about your mental health issues.  You are an adult and you can figure out how to look for jobs and work at a job while also seeking treatment for your mental health issues. I am happy to help you as  far as discussing which therapists you've considered and like that but you are an adult and if you want to be with me I need to see you step up to the plate in a big way.

I think you are capable of giving your own similar advice without the need to contradict mine. Please simply reply to the OP with your own advice in the future. 

[Batya33]

My input relied on yours for context.  I’m entitled to disagree with input and different perspectives can help the OP.  I didn’t contradict.  I simply disagreed.

 Based on my personal experience with a parent who struggled with mental illness for over 50 years and had a successful profession despite his incredible obstacles, I know that telling my father about “modern science” and that he should get therapy would have had a detrimental effect.  Instead my mother - who kept him alive - simply supported his choices in therapy and meds and intervened in the emergency situations when he clearly needed to be hospitalized and understandably was reluctant to go.  Then she told him he had to go.  Because he was not in a position to make that choice.

My father is one example of many   Also you’ve written that you find procreating unethical so perhaps you’re not taking into account - as others have - that she may be wasting her most fertile years on this person who most likely won’t be able to provide his share financially let alone for a child   

 the OPs boyfriend has made the choice to be passive.  Again and again.  He knows exactly how to seek therapy.  He knows exactly how to seek employment.  And her commenting on modern science and coddling him again with “oh I know how you feel and it’s so hard “ is continuing to play mommy and enabler.  It’s actually not so hard.  As you’ve seen on this thread many who have mental health issues and challenges made the adult decision to work and provide for themselves. Whatever it takes. 
While I appreciate your apparent dislike of me quoting your post to make an alternative point that also disagrees it’s how I can most effectively communicate the context to the OP in this particular situation My purpose was not to contradict but to effectively communicate. Sorry if you misunderstood the purpose. 

[dias]

56 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

"Hey, [Partner], we need to talk. Let me tell you what I am feeling first and then you can respond. 

I understand what it is like to have an anxiety disorder or mental health issues. It can feel absolutely awful. However, we have to make the best of it. Modern science has developed a variety of treatments, which you could start the moment you decide to help yourself. I have chosen to seek help for my anxiety disorder. Since you have not taken active steps to start a treatment for your mental health issues, I am left to conclude that you are comfortable taking no action for yourself, and for us.

I say, for us, because your mental health issues are a major obstacle to you making an effort to find gainful employment. Currently, I am working fifty-plus hours per week and footing almost 100 percent of the bills. Despite that, I am barely keeping us afloat. To make matters worse, my student loan payments will become due shortly, and this will make our financial situation even more difficult. The way things are financially between us is unsustainable.

If our relationship is to continue, you need to seek treatment for your mental health issues. After you do so, I need to see you make an earnest effort to obtain gainful employment, through (1) use of our alma mater's career office (for resume, cover letter, and interview help), and (2) completing and submitting applications every week until you find a job. 

If I do not see this effort, our relationship is in deep trouble." 

This is the polite unabridged version. I like it, it's civilized but I prefer the abridged colloquial version: "you have 24 hours to get your lazy *ss back to work or you will be sleeping in the street tomorrow"

[Batya33]

Just now, Batya33 said:

My input relied on yours for context.  I’m entitled to disagree with input and different perspectives can help the OP.  I didn’t contradict.  I simply disagreed. Your input will be very helpful if the OP is focused on continuing to give him chances while she works three jobs  - for all we know she gets her self worth from being a martyr  - and she derives pleasure from being in control of all the finances   Perhaps the lady doth protest too much  

 Based on my personal experience with a parent who struggled with mental illness for over 50 years and had a successful profession despite his incredible obstacles, I know that telling my father about “modern science” and that he should get therapy would have had a detrimental effect.  Instead my mother - who kept him alive - simply supported his choices in therapy and meds and intervened in the emergency situations when he clearly needed to be hospitalized and understandably was reluctant to go.  Then she told him he had to go.  Because he was not in a position to make that choice.

My father is one example of many   Also you’ve written that you find procreating unethical so perhaps you’re not taking into account - as others have - that she may be wasting her most fertile years on this person who most likely won’t be able to provide his share financially let alone for a child   

 the OPs boyfriend has made the choice to be passive.  Again and again.  He knows exactly how to seek therapy.  He knows exactly how to seek employment.  And her commenting on modern science and coddling him again with “oh I know how you feel and it’s so hard “ is continuing to play mommy and enabler.  It’s actually not so hard.  As you’ve seen on this thread many who have mental health issues and challenges made the adult decision to work and provide for themselves. Whatever it takes. 
While I appreciate your apparent dislike of me quoting your post to make an alternative point that also disagrees it’s how I can most effectively communicate the context to the OP in this particular situation My purpose was not to contradict but to effectively communicate. Sorry if you misunderstood the purpose. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Just keep saying to yourself over and over: "I am not the welfare department".

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, dias said:

This is the polite unabridged version. I like it, it's civilized but I prefer the abridged colloquial version: "you have 24 hours to get your lazy *ss back to work or you will be sleeping in the street tomorrow"

Lol I agree. I think she actually would have a more civilized reaction with a tough love approach like you suggest. 

[boltnrun]

He knows how to get a job and how to seek professional and medical help. But why should he when he's allowed to sit home doing nothing while having everything provided for him? 

The providing has to stop or the OP will be schlepping this useless baggage around forever.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

The providing has to stop or the OP will be schlepping this useless baggage around forever.

Exactly.

They both know what's wrong with his behaviour. Now she has to figure out what's up with her behaviour. He couldn't be like this without her tacit consent and participation. 

[Cherylyn]

Either give him an ultimatum (get a job or let the door hit him on his way out) or YOU get a 3rd job so you can continue working like a dog to support him. 

[East4]

On 9/2/2021 at 6:50 PM, saifox234 said:

Any time I try to talk to him about it though he just shuts down.

OP, you do the same: any time forum posters try to talk to YOU about your enabling the mooch boyfriend, you just shut down. 

So, with your inability to communicate assertively, it is not a surprise that you are being financially taken advantage of and your precious youth wasted.

It is questionable, if you are unable to comeback with a reply to anonymous people on the internet, if you could muster the courage to speak up for yourself to your boyfriend. *sigh*

[smackie9]

I know someone who's in the same boat. If he gets properly diagnosed, he can probably go on disability. It may not be a lot but it's some income.

Suggestion to work on: Since Covid, the needs of both the worker and employer has changed and adapted. There is more opportunity for people like him that can be productive and make a living working from home. Something to look into.

[gamon]

Op you’re correct getting rid of him is easier said than done. 
 

He won’t go easily. He’ll kick and scream, he’ll beg and plead, he’ll make promises that won’t be kept, he’ll stall and procrastinate… one strategy is to move out and get your own place when the lease ends. 
 

While you’re waiting for the rental period to expire try to find your self esteem snd self respect, the lack of which is allowing you to put up with abuse from this loser.