Invited someone I’ve been flirting with over tonight

[Somedaysoon4483]

I invited a guy over who I’ve been texting and flirting with big time to hang out. Due to our flirting and what I perceived as sexual tension/chemistry, I just assumed that we would at least kiss. Broad assumption I’m sure, but it just felt like that’s where we were. 

We just talked for awhile and then he left. It wasn’t awkward (it was our first time hanging out without our friend group) but it also wasn’t flirty or anything. Was he being a gentleman? Or am I imagining his interest and the possible chemistry?

He also showed me pictures and brings up girls he finds attractive, which he’s done a few times before. I don’t know if he’s bragging or trying to tell me he’s not interested in me. It’s confusing because he does send signals that he likes me (so far as saying things to friends about liking me, texting me often, offering to help me with things etc).

[Capricorn3]

Sounds like you invited him over with the hope of it leading to sex?  Yes, he could be a gentleman, which to my mind would be a bonus.  OR, he's not as into you as you are into him.  Hard to know.

[Rose Mosse]

19 minutes ago, Somedaysoon4483 said:

He also showed me pictures and brings up girls he finds attractive, which he’s done a few times before. I don’t know if he’s bragging or trying to tell me he’s not interested in me. It’s confusing because he does send signals that he likes me (so far as saying things to friends about liking me, texting me often, offering to help me with things etc).

If it's confusing, move on. He's baiting you in a juvenile and immature way, looking for your reaction for confirmation that you have feelings for him. You can tell him you know what he's doing and it's not working. Try harder. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Somedaysoon4483 said:

He also showed me pictures and brings up girls he finds attractive, which he’s done a few times before.

I would caution you against guys who do crap like this. It's immature or a direct attempt to provoke you. Neither is good. 

1 hour ago, Somedaysoon4483 said:

he does send signals that he likes me

But he has never actually asked you on a date, right? 

I am not sure the chemsitry is there for him, when it comes down to it. The reason I don't think he's a gentleman is because he is also showing you pictures of and talking about hot girls. That isn't something a gentleman does when he is with a girl who he claims to like. For reference, how old are you both? 

I would take a step back now and see if he takes the initiative to ask you out. But honestly, based on his behaviour with telling you all about girls he's attracted to, I am not sure I'd be too eager to go out with him anyway. 

[SherrySher]

The fact that he's bringing up other women and didn't make a move on you, points to the idea that he's not interested in you.

Besides, it's really rude to be bringing up other women, so even if he had a slight interest, he's one who should be thrown back.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Somedaysoon4483 said:

 It’s confusing because he does send signals that he likes me 

Ok. The only signal to look for is that he asks you out. 

The rest is just background noise and wasting time.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You"?

[DancingFool]

Sorry but I think you are pretty deep in the friend zone with him. If he was into you, he wouldn't be talking about what other women he thinks are hot. That's platonic friend talk, not potential romantic interest.

As for the flirting. Some people enjoy flirting but it's completely meaningless to them and will never lead to anything. Surface fun and nice for the ego if it's obvious you are really into him. Always take flirting with a large grain of salt. 

As others said, pay attention to actions not words. He isn't asking you out, he isn't interested.

[Batya33]

I agree that the only sign that is relevant as to whether he wants to date you is asking you out on a date he plans in advance.  If you were interested in dating him you would have asked him out on a date - (which I wouldn't have done, myself, if I wanted more than a fling but certainly you can ask a man out on a date if you want to).  You asked him to come over and hang out - why? If you're interested in him why not put in effort to plan something for the two of you to do together in public to get to know each other?

[mical]

I think you are thinking too much into it. Hang out with him again and try flirting a bit more or putting a move on him...

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, mical said:

I think you are thinking too much into it. Hang out with him again and try flirting a bit more or putting a move on him...

Yes. If she wants an occasional hook up followed by him showing her photos of ladies he wants to properly date or is crushing on.  

[greendots]

You can wait for him to tell you or you can just ask him.

Tell him how you feel. Not a novel mind you, but just something short that indicates you're interested in dating him. You'll feel better once you know where you stand. 🙂

[Tinydance]

I think talking about other women he finds attractive is not a good sign. People don't do that towards someone they're romantically interested in because they don't want to be an idiot and jeopardise their chances. It's possible that thus guy just wants to be friends. Having said that, not every guy just wants to jump into a woman's pants. I think you should actually ask him out on a date and make it very clear you like him and it's a date. E.g. Dinner and movie. If he agrees to go then you know he's interested.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think talking about other women he finds attractive is not a good sign. People don't do that towards someone they're romantically interested in because they don't want to be an idiot and jeopardise their chances. It's possible that thus guy just wants to be friends. Having said that, not every guy just wants to jump into a woman's pants. I think you should actually ask him out on a date and make it very clear you like him and it's a date. E.g. Dinner and movie. If he agrees to go then you know he's interested.

But I'm not sure if she wants to date him -she seemed to be thrilled with what she thought was the sexual tension and him flirting with her.  I'm not going to assume she wants to date him especially since she didn't ask him on a date and just wanted him to come to her place - with nothing planned except I guess hooking up.  

[smackie9]

Maybe he was nervous. Some people come off as confident over text, then when in person they shut it down.

[Somedaysoon4483]

Thank you for all the replies! It’s helpful to talk it out and get feedback. 

More context: He has a “history” of bragging about different girls liking him and talking about how attractive he finds other girls. I know this makes him sound like a complete jerk, and it is a jerk move to be sure, but they are passing comments and he has other redeeming qualities.

We are in our early 20s so that’s the maturity level we’re working with here.

I do want to date him ultimately but my plan for the night I invited him over was to hook up. I had the mindset of “if this doesn’t lead to anything serious, that’s okay.”

I had been encouraged because after that night, I thought he’d probably not text me anymore but he ended up initiating another text conversation the following evening. We’ve been texting regularly for about 2 weeks now.

Unfortunately it’s been a couple days now since I’ve heard from him. I hesitate to reach out because I still don’t know how he feels about me. One of my biggest fears is being a burden and/or unwanted. So reaching out to someone who isn’t receptive is terrifying to me.

I know the healthy, mature thing to do is come out and let him know how I feel, but I’ve been rejected soundly in the past and that is still with me to this day. I’d rather never say anything and just wonder than put myself out there and be completely turned down. 

 

[Rose Mosse]

Has he asked you out at all on a date? If it's no he is not interested in dating you. You don't need to tell him how you feel because he doesn't reciprocate it. 

[DancingFool]

OP, how are you planning on dating someone who isn't into you that way??? I'd change those plans if I were you.

Also, consider why you seem to chase after guys who are not that into you? I suspect that while you are busy doing that, you are probably ignoring more mature guys who would make a great bf and who are actually into you. What's attracting you to the insecure, immature guy who brags about other women to you? Granted, I still think that he is simply treating you like a pal and this is nothing more than locker room chatter among platonic friends.

[Somedaysoon4483]

14 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Has he asked you out at all on a date? If it's no he is not interested in dating you. You don't need to tell him how you feel because he doesn't reciprocate it. 

He hasn’t. 😩 and you’re completely right. Ugh. I am easily “led on” it would seem.

[Somedaysoon4483]

1 minute ago, DancingFool said:

OP, how are you planning on dating someone who isn't into you that way??? I'd change those plans if I were you.

Also, consider why you seem to chase after guys who are not that into you? I suspect that while you are busy doing that, you are probably ignoring more mature guys who would make a great bf and who are actually into you. What's attracting you to the insecure, immature guy who brags about other women to you? Granted, I still think that he is simply treating you like a pal and this is nothing more than locker room chatter among platonic friends.

I don’t know that many single guys. He’s the only guy who gives me the time of day. And I’m not completely unattractive but I am pretty quiet and shy. 
 

Guys flirting with me doesn’t happen very often and so when they do flirt with me, I guess I think too much into it.

[boltnrun]

Engaging in hookups hoping they lead to relationships isn't being "led on" except by yourself. YOU are leading you on.

Stop pretending you are down for hookups if what you truly want is a love relationship.

[DancingFool]

5 minutes ago, Somedaysoon4483 said:

I don’t know that many single guys. He’s the only guy who gives me the time of day. And I’m not completely unattractive but I am pretty quiet and shy. 
 

Guys flirting with me doesn’t happen very often and so when they do flirt with me, I guess I think too much into it.

So what? Quiet and shy people find good partners all the time. Relationships aren't reserved strictly for extroverts. However, you do need to be willing to get out and find some things to do that will open up your horizons and the potential of meeting people - hobbies, hiking groups if you like outdoors are full of single guys, co-ed sports, volunteering, etc.

Also, you are not all that shy when you are willing to invite a guy over for a hook up. That's pretty ballsy there. There is a big difference between insecure and willing to latch onto to whatever and too shy to function. Methinks you aren't being very honest with yourself about your real motivations and until you do sit down and sort yourself out properly, you'll continue to have garbage results when it comes to dating.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Somedaysoon4483 said:

 He’s the only guy who gives me the time of day. And I’m not completely unattractive but I am pretty quiet and shy. 

Ok. Get a good profile and pics up on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee. 

Don't waste your time on someone who treats you like a big sister.

[Rose Mosse]

37 minutes ago, Somedaysoon4483 said:

He hasn’t. 😩 and you’re completely right. Ugh. I am easily “led on” it would seem.

That's fine but now you know. Don't worry over this man. Flirt if you want but know what it is. Why should you put your heart on the line for someone who isn't acting or behaving in a way that meets your expectations or treat you the way you want to be treated? 

[MissCanuck]

Agreed with the others. 

He hasn't asked you out, which says it all. I wouldn't waste any more time on him, as it's clear you are not the same page as each other. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Somedaysoon4483 said:

He hasn’t. 😩 and you’re completely right. Ugh. I am easily “led on” it would seem.

He didn’t lead you on. You went about this in an odd way since it seems you do want to date him.  Like you wanted to test him out as a hook up before going on an actual date.  That’s the impression you gave and it created an awkward situation for him. Maybe you knew he really wasn’t that into you if he’s talking about other women he finds hot.  No it’s not about his age.  Or yours.  It’s about his level of interest in you.  He enjoys flirting and bantering with you.  He came over because it took little effort but then realized he wasn’t up for hooking up.  
Why would you think he did anything wrong ?  He’s showing you who he is. a person who is very social and into  meeting women he’s attracted to and chatting about them to you and a person who right now is uninterested in dating you - which is clear since he’s hasn’t asked you out.

 You’re on the verge of game playing because my sense is if he’d asked you out on a proper date you wouldn’t have said “no I just want you to come over and hang out and let’s see how it goes”. Be honest with yourself.