Living Alone Long-Term

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 6/27/2021 at 10:59 PM, SooSad33 said:

Other than your HS chum, do you not have anymore more 'recent' friends?

We all have friends who've married, but they're still around.  Do you reach out & see what they are up to now & then?  ( if you have FB, you can see them on there..).

As for being single & on my own, I have, for a few yrs and have a friend the same way... her son move out for a while, but moved back home with her.

She's is a teachers aid and hangs with a few friends now & then.  We meet for a coffee on occasion as she's just around the corner.  As for me, i have no 'need' really to so looking for a realationship, have had too many negatives in that dep't.

So, I do my own things.. I have a dog & cat... I see parents now & then.  I have my hobbies/crafts, my tv shows, etc.  ( did some sports at one point, until an injury) -- what I am getting at, is many ppl are single for a good while.

Give it more time, but carry on as you are.. no one knows what can happen next week.. or next month.

meanwhile, check out a dating site?  or look up 'local' singles grp's for your area.  I met a few ppl that way.. we'd meet for coffee or goto movie's etc.

 

One married friend lives about 15 to 20 minutes away from me depending on freeway traffic.  Haven't seen him for a couple years going on next month.  There were a couple of times we were supposed to meet up for dinner.  However, he keeps flaking out.  Having a wife and two boys I'm not surprised.  Just hard to believe it's been 2 years next month since we've seen each other in the flesh.  The last time I saw him was at his house for a baseball game and then a very long slideshow of him and his wife's 10 year anniversary cruise to Greece. 

Like you I also have my hobbies and interests that keep me busy.  Thinking about getting back into my pinball playing and building plastic models.  Usually after work during the week I'm watching my true crime shows.  Then I also went back on Meetup looking for events I can go to.  In this fact this Friday, depending on things go, I have one in the evening. 

You're right it's amazing how things can change within a week or month. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 6/28/2021 at 7:36 AM, Lambert said:

I'm in this camp. I have anyways had a more independent nature.  I sometimes question if I will ever want to live with someone? but then I think-- with the right person, I totally will. 

if you're unhappy and sounds like you are, I'd look into why? of course humans need other humans... we are social by nature.  But living alone does not mean you don't or can't have a full life. At any age! 

But it's important to enjoy your own company, too. Being desperate for warm bodies will force you to make bad choices. being ok with yourself gives you options.  

What are you doing with your time? Are you enjoying yourself with work, friends, family, your community? 

Maybe put yourself out there more. Mix it up!! Volunteer or find a group that interests you in your community. maybe through meet ups? Check local postings about events etc. 

A the same time what can you do on your own that you would enjoy, too?

Strike that balance and things will open up to you.  

I would like to get out more during the week and meet new people.  However, it's hard to do when after work you just want to crash and let your brain unwind after working with financial numbers and doing research all day.  I was telling SooSad33 that this coming Friday I'll be doing a Meetup with a social group I just joined.  Depending on how I feel after work of course.  Then I visit with my folks every other weekend or every other other weekend depending on how things go.  My high school chum I see about once a month to hang out on a Saturday or a movie on Tuesday.  Outside of that I'm streaming Discovery+, Netflix, or Hulu in addition to video gaming.  Want to get back into pinball and building plastic models. 

 

[BeaTlesFan77]

3 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

What romantic things are you yet to experience? I have a feeling this is the important part.

Experiencing physical intimacy. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

Thank you everyone for your replies and input!  I really appreciate it.  Some very good points have been made in addition to ways of how I can reframe my thinking. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Like you I also have my hobbies and interests that keep me busy.  Thinking about getting back into my pinball playing and building plastic models.  Usually after work during the week I'm watching my true crime shows.  Then I also went back on Meetup looking for events I can go to.  In this fact this Friday, depending on things go, I have one in the evening. 

Okay, well that's good, you have a few things you can do.

Did you look up a singles group for your location?

Sad about your friend you haven't seen on so long .. Is he on FB?  Maybe shoot him a msg sometime again, as him if he's up for a drink at local bar or something sometime?

 

[Lambert]

8 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Thank you everyone for your replies and input!  I really appreciate it.  Some very good points have been made in addition to ways of how I can reframe my thinking. 

This is exactly it. Enjoy your life.  Everyday. Maybe not all day but everyday. 

I have a firm belief that what you focus on matters... focus on the good, what you do have.... 

Sounds like you have a lot! family, a good job, a long time friendship, some hobbies.... assuming your health.  That's more than most. 

No one has the perfect life. And the things you take for granted someone else is praying for. Keep it in perspective. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

I would like to get out more during the week and meet new people.  However, it's hard to do when after work you just want to crash and let your brain unwind after working with financial numbers and doing research all day.  I was telling SooSad33 that this coming Friday I'll be doing a Meetup with a social group I just joined.  Depending on how I feel after work of course.  Then I visit with my folks every other weekend or every other other weekend depending on how things go.  My high school chum I see about once a month to hang out on a Saturday or a movie on Tuesday.  Outside of that I'm streaming Discovery+, Netflix, or Hulu in addition to video gaming.  Want to get back into pinball and building plastic models. 

 

Yes, I worked long, intense, unpredictable hours when I was looking for a spouse.  But I made it my part time job as needed.  Didn't let myself crash or unwind because I was in my 30s and my bio clock was ticking.  I very often had first meets after work -sometimes more than one if I could get out before 6:30pm.  I went to singles events, a book club, volunteered weekly after work for 7-8 years a a homeless shelter. But that's because I knew my ultimate goal was marriage and family.  I knew I had to put in the effort to be out there and meet people -other women too who then could set me up with eligible men.  I dated on and off for 24 years (when I wasn't casually dating to look for a serious relationship, it's because I was in a serious relationship) so I know how hard it is out there.

Good luck!

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 6/29/2021 at 10:40 PM, SooSad33 said:

Okay, well that's good, you have a few things you can do.

Did you look up a singles group for your location?

Sad about your friend you haven't seen on so long .. Is he on FB?  Maybe shoot him a msg sometime again, as him if he's up for a drink at local bar or something sometime?

 

He is not on Facebook. The Meetup that I might be going to this coming Friday night is a singles group. We’ll see how that goes. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, I worked long, intense, unpredictable hours when I was looking for a spouse.  But I made it my part time job as needed.  Didn't let myself crash or unwind because I was in my 30s and my bio clock was ticking.  I very often had first meets after work -sometimes more than one if I could get out before 6:30pm.  I went to singles events, a book club, volunteered weekly after work for 7-8 years a a homeless shelter. But that's because I knew my ultimate goal was marriage and family.  I knew I had to put in the effort to be out there and meet people -other women too who then could set me up with eligible men.  I dated on and off for 24 years (when I wasn't casually dating to look for a serious relationship, it's because I was in a serious relationship) so I know how hard it is out there.

Good luck!

Out of all of those avenues you talked about, which one seemed to produce the most dates or contacts?

[DancingFool]

9 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Out of all of those avenues you talked about, which one seemed to produce the most dates or contacts?

OP, there is no good answer to this question because a lot depends on location and other people going and doing same. So her experience has little bearing on what your experience may be.

Bottom line is that you've become stagnant in your  life and only way forward is to start living and doing things and figuring out what actually works for you personally where you live. You've got to start actively stepping out of your comfort zone and simply trying out new things until you find some success. That means that it will take some practice, patience, and above all perseverance. Yes, it's hard to make yourself go out when you'd rather change into something comfortable and watch your Netflix, buuuut....it's a lonely road. So you make yourself get out, especially when you are feeling lazy. Just do it and keep following through with it.

Once you start getting out more and get more busy, you'll find that inertia isn't all that appealing anymore.

[boltnrun]

I went where the men were. I love cars and sports so I went to car races, car shows and played on a slow pitch softball team. I helped out a low budget race team. I volunteered for an organization that did golf and car events. I got a job in a fabrication shop. Zillions of men at all those places.

I'd recommend things that women traditionally enjoy such as cooking classes, dancing lessons and farmers markets. If you're athletic, join a running or hiking club. Take up gardening and get a plot at a community garden. Volunteer at a museum or botanical garden or pet rescue if you like animals.

When I went where the men were I had them coming out my ears (not literally lol!) It worked for me. 

[LaHermes]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

it's hard to make yourself go out when you'd rather change into something comfortable and watch your Netflix, buuuut....it's a lonely road. So you make yourself get out, especially when you are feeling lazy. Just do it and keep following through with it.

Absolutely best advice DF. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

4 hours ago, DancingFool said:

OP, there is no good answer to this question because a lot depends on location and other people going and doing same. So her experience has little bearing on what your experience may be.

Bottom line is that you've become stagnant in your  life and only way forward is to start living and doing things and figuring out what actually works for you personally where you live. You've got to start actively stepping out of your comfort zone and simply trying out new things until you find some success. That means that it will take some practice, patience, and above all perseverance. Yes, it's hard to make yourself go out when you'd rather change into something comfortable and watch your Netflix, buuuut....it's a lonely road. So you make yourself get out, especially when you are feeling lazy. Just do it and keep following through with it.

Once you start getting out more and get more busy, you'll find that inertia isn't all that appealing anymore.

Very well said!  Especially the part about breaking the being stagnant. I know I need to push through the after work laziness. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I went where the men were. I love cars and sports so I went to car races, car shows and played on a slow pitch softball team. I helped out a low budget race team. I volunteered for an organization that did golf and car events. I got a job in a fabrication shop. Zillions of men at all those places.

I'd recommend things that women traditionally enjoy such as cooking classes, dancing lessons and farmers markets. If you're athletic, join a running or hiking club. Take up gardening and get a plot at a community garden. Volunteer at a museum or botanical garden or pet rescue if you like animals.

When I went where the men were I had them coming out my ears (not literally lol!) It worked for me. 

So basically I need to go where the women are. LOL!  😆

[Batya33]

14 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Out of all of those avenues you talked about, which one seemed to produce the most dates or contacts?

Hmm.  Quality dates - networking.  Friends of friends who set me up and I did the same for them. Work colleagues who set me up and I did the same for them.  I still set people up now. Definitely singles events especially sponsored by or affiliated with religious organizations.  Quantity dates - online sites for sure.  Quality when we already knew people in common which happened fairly regularly.  I originally met my husband at work.  On his first day of work. The best place I know to meet people is volunteering backstage at community theater.  Which I never did. By know so many who did. Front stage too but especially backstage. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, beatlesfan77 said:

So basically I need to go where the women are. LOL!  😆

Sounds basic and logical, doesn't it?

But I guarantee you will never meet women sitting alone on your couch watching Netflix.

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 7/1/2021 at 8:20 AM, DancingFool said:

Bottom line is that you've become stagnant in your  life and only way forward is to start living and doing things and figuring out what actually works for you personally where you live. You've got to start actively stepping out of your comfort zone and simply trying out new things until you find some success. That means that it will take some practice, patience, and above all perseverance. Yes, it's hard to make yourself go out when you'd rather change into something comfortable and watch your Netflix, buuuut....it's a lonely road. So you make yourself get out, especially when you are feeling lazy. Just do it and keep following through with it.

Once you start getting out more and get more busy, you'll find that inertia isn't all that appealing anymore.

Tried something this past Friday night and had a setback.  Ended up going to a Meetup with a singles group.  However, I think I arrived too late and I didn't enjoy it at all.  It was at a nightclub outdoors with very loud music as usual.  Couldn't start any conversations with anyone.  Everyone was also in their little cliques.  Then finally there were some ladies competing to see who could dance the sexiest.  I get the feeling that Meetups like that are a competition of sorts.  Bunch of guys walking around like vultures waiting for another woman to walk in and then all attack at once like she's fresh meat.  As you can imagine I didn't stay long. 

I think it was just a matter of bad timing and location for this one.  Going to try again this week and have been looking for possible places to go.  Like you said, it's going to take practice and perseverance.

[boltnrun]

A nightclub is a very bad place to try to meet women.  As you saw, loud music and no opportunities for conversation.

How about something a bit quieter next time, like a hike, bike ride or a group that likes to try out new restaurants?

[Jibralta]

On 7/1/2021 at 3:45 PM, beatlesfan77 said:

So basically I need to go where the women are. LOL!  😆

Crocheting classes, knitting, yoga, lol... join a quilting circle 😂

[Jibralta]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

A nightclub is a very bad place to try to meet women.  As you saw, loud music and no opportunities for conversation.

I agree, for exactly the same reasons. Bars and night clubs are really just meat markets.

 

[Capricorn3]

3 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

  Everyone was also in their little cliques.  Then finally there were some ladies competing to see who could dance the sexiest.  I get the feeling that Meetups like that are a competition of sorts.  Bunch of guys walking around like vultures waiting for another woman to walk in and then all attack at once like she's fresh meat.  As you can imagine I didn't stay long.

Yep, going by that description I can totally understand why you didn't stay long.  Sounds very gross and very off-putting.  Ugh.

I'm a fan of outdoors - hiking, biking, walking trails etc etc.  Not sure though if there are any "clubs" that do this sort of thing where you are.

[Unsure2021]

On 6/30/2021 at 12:03 AM, beatlesfan77 said:

Experiencing physical intimacy. 

Am I to understand that you’re a 44 year old virgin? If so, I completely understand your concerns, but what has led to this and what are you doing to meet your sexual needs?

[J-J]

 

Oh, being single is wonderful. Just look at the pros and cons - being single is the winner winner chicken dinner.

I meet women, enjoy their company, usually for a night or two, and then life goes on.

There are a million reasons why life is better without significant other.

PROS:

• Don't have to excuse yourself when you want to come and go
• Head out for no reason at midnight (walk, drink, late dinner, etc.)
• Never ever have to check in
• Never ever have to ask permission for anything, or to do anything
• Do yard work and chores at your leisure
• Bed is all yours (I never bring women to the house)
• No excuses - ever
• Your "me time" is always your time, no more doing what she wants you to do
• Your weekends and nights are yours for you - no more, "Babe, we need to go to Costco," or "Babe, this weekend we are going..."
• Strangers are passionate, polite - they are role-playing - all encounters start and end in a honeymoon phase

Those are just a few reasons why being single is amazing. My co-workers and colleagues are always jealous of my easy, none stressful life - no children, no nagging spouse, no do-lists... .

CONS:

•  

Now, if you're 59 or over, you should be seeking a partner; times up, pie's done. But at least you'll have all the experience in the world to know what kind of person you'd like to settle down with.

NOTE: Children aren't necessary - cost, raising, expecting they'll be perfect, ideal guardians when you're old and pissing on yourself, but in reality, they could be a drug addicts or living in another state, taking care of their most immediate, instead of you. Not to worry, its very common for elders to die alone, even if they have children, who weren't there at their bedside (life happens).

Recommendations:

If you are really, really, really needing to settle down with a wife, take a long look at yourself and ask, "How can I invest into myself for my future mate?"

Are you making decent income or are you a just collecting unemployment with no real ambition to bring something to the table?

Are you grooming yourself? Are you in shape or let yourself enjoy too many Big Macs? Are you spending good money to ensure you are cleaned up - investing into your appearance is step 1. Don't go to a barber - go to a salon, a professional hair stylist. Buy nice razors, followed up with a nice electric shaver, followed up with nice cologne (think Versace Eros - women love that smell, the hugs are more passionately longer). Don't use some cheap hair product, man-up and drop $40 on Kevin Murphy (it'll last a 2 months), and for god sake, dress your age - get ride of the Sketchers, for starters, and make sure you dress with confidence....wardrobe can be nice and basic if you aren't sure where to start, until you gain some direction and confidence (jeans, black dress or t-shirt, then learn from there). Also, dental - teeth are important -  save money and go to Mexico, it's about 80% cheaper and they are so good at their dentistry, American dental insurances will cover you there too. Show confidence, not desperation or arrogance. Learn manners, social etiquette, develop social intelligence - show courtesy. And most important - smile and have fun.

You'll naturally need to pivot relative to audience i.e. some women curse, some are posh, some are sarcastic, and some are bitter and mean. Pivot accordingly.

Good luck.

 

[Batya33]

I personally cannot stand the pros/cons list of being "single" or in a relationship targeted to someone who wants to be in a relationship.  Also single people date and get into exclusive relationships where they are not married or without a formal commitment -so they are still single too and yet have their SO in their lives.

I felt much more freedom once I finally met the right one and then got married -freedom from having to look for the right person, be concerned I'd never find him.

What's lovely about checking in with your partner and family is knowing that there are people who care enough about me that if I didn't check in they'd be worried or miss me at some point.

There are big cons to having a young child during a pandemic as far as being trapped at times in your own home (because no safe child care and can't leave child all alone) so yes I cannot wait till he goes back to in person school so I can have my breakfast alone (husband sleeps late) and sip my coffee alone.  But pandemics are rare.  I would never ever trade (ever!) being a parent, having a child for anything in the world. I won the lottery when I was able to have a child in my 40s.  And get married to the right person.  No cons.  Temporary cons -just like there are with almost every lifestyle imaginable. 

I never lied to myself ever that being single was preferable to being in a marriage or committed relationship leading to marriage.  It wasn't preferable to me - and I knew it was preferable to others.  That's cool.  But I had a fun, fulfilling, active life including a great career, friends, boyfriends, social life, volunteer work, my family, networking, travel - and I was able to still be honest with myself that marriage and motherhood were my goals and it would not feel good if I didn't reach those goals.  It's not hypocritical or rationalizing.  You can do both.  But lying to myself and having some sort of pros/cons list to show myself how awesome it was to be single and "free"? No thanks.  

If it helps you OP I applaud you -just sharing that I'm tired of the whole "single life is awesome /you really don't want a relationship"  cliched generalized list.

[DancingFool]

17 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Tried something this past Friday night and had a setback.  Ended up going to a Meetup with a singles group.  However, I think I arrived too late and I didn't enjoy it at all.  It was at a nightclub outdoors with very loud music as usual.  Couldn't start any conversations with anyone.  Everyone was also in their little cliques.  Then finally there were some ladies competing to see who could dance the sexiest.  I get the feeling that Meetups like that are a competition of sorts.  Bunch of guys walking around like vultures waiting for another woman to walk in and then all attack at once like she's fresh meat.  As you can imagine I didn't stay long. 

I think it was just a matter of bad timing and location for this one.  Going to try again this week and have been looking for possible places to go.  Like you said, it's going to take practice and perseverance.

Yup. Try more just social groups rather than singles groups. Also, in my area hiking groups are full of fit, attractive, single women and people are friendly and easy to talk to, make friends with. Think more about what might interest you and go do it. That's where you might find it much easier to meet and connect with someone who are more like minded.