A Question About Men and Denial of Feelings

[Kathy Ohara7]

Hi there! I am new to this forum. 

I have for eight months had a texting friendship with a man who lives very far away from me. He is in his mid-forties, and I am in my early thirties. 

He has a wife, but we have discussed somewhat that if they are open, that we might explore things ethically. But if not, he clearly stated that we could keep in touch as friends. Obviously, I have no way of knowing if he discussed it with his wife or not. It was never mentioned again.

But he and I had a moment in one of our first conversations, where I told him something about how beautiful I think he is, and then he responded that I "really turned him on". I wasn't born yesterday, I know what that means if you are possessing of male organs. 

The thing is though, that that wasn't really overtly sexual what I said, and so if that caused such a reaction, I know that it means that there were also romantic feelings involved with it. Enough to keep him wanting to talk to me for eight more months. 

Now he hasn't said anything even discreetly sexual since then. I think the reason may be that he knows that there is more than just sex involved for me, and possibly for him, and he doesn't want to get in too deep at this time, since he has a demanding job, and two kids, one of whom is only six. So he wants to do the right thing in his eyes. I don't think that if we did sleep together in the future that it would be wrong for that reason, at least not for me, as I would be a consenting adult, and my feelings later would be my business.

Now much of this took place when he was away on a business trip. It seems that he is back now, and things have changed. On our last conversation, he starts saying that because we have never met in real life, we are strangers, and have no real connection. And that I shouldn't expect him to have anything to do with me, even though he did keep right on talking with me for eight months. He even texted me at 7 in the morning where he was, to tell me congratulations on a new job I was starting. 

• He is now saying that I shouldn't have expected him to keep responding after that one romantic moment, even though he did nothing but keep responding.
• He told me I could call him by his nickname awhile ago, which surely implied there would be future conversations.
• He says that he hates technology and texting, but he's texted me for four hours or so, multiple times. 
• On one of our conversations, the fastest I have ever seen him respond to anything, ever, was when I said I was being abused and harrassed by customers at my job. 

But now I'm "just a random stranger", he says. One of our last conversations, it really seemed like it was almost a different person talking. And there are other things, also, that I won't go into, but let's say some of the things that he said played into things that I told him before, insecurities I have, perhaps because of a class difference. 

If you have ever seen New Girl, there was an episode where Schmidt said all kinds of nasty things to CeCe, and she figured out that he was "White Fanging" her (like a character in the book sent the dog away by yelling and being mean to him). It seems to me that men do this quite a bit when they are in denial of their feelings, they try to drive you away and make you hate them. I think that this may have been what he's doing because next time he texted me, he said that "I don't think anything negative about you, in any way, shape or form".

My question is: Is the above statement something that you say to someone who is a complete stranger that you "have no real connection" with? 

 

 

[Batya33]

Your question is too general. He's right -you two are strangers in the sense that you've never met in real life so when it comes to a romantic relationship for all practical purposes you are strangers (yes, I have online platonic friends I've never met in person; no we are not strangers - I'm referring to the sexual interactions and your plan to meet a man who claims he is married).  

He's not denying his feelings- because there are no relevant feelings here. He is someone you sexted with on the internet. He is someone who claims to be a male, who claims to be married, who claimed to be able to sext with you despite being married.  Now he is saying something different in his typed words. News Flash -this is absolutely typical of people who are online and sexting with strangers.  No "denial" - and no I don't think men in general deny their feelings.  I think people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  For awhile it was fun for him to type to you online and about sexual stuff.  Then it became not as fun or not fun so he has backed off from typing to you.  Nothing to do with "men" or "feelings" -this is an online stranger.  He might be a she, he might be a kid, he might be married, or not.  You have no way of knowing -have you done a background check?

What I think is being denied here is you are denying a part of yourself that craves romantic attention by telling yourself this is some sort of romantic connection.  Are you trying to date in real life?

[Kathy Ohara7]

Now, we did not sext. We mostly talked about politics, and social issues. He only said that thing about being turned on the one time, that was the only thing remotely sexual.

I know exactly who he is, because I did not meet him on the Internet. We exchanged letters before we started texting. 

[Capricorn3]

I wonder if his wife is aware that he's having an emotional affair with another woman online. I feel bad for her. 

OP, he's a married man.  That means you have no place there.  No "oh we're only friends" story.  You need to find your own man, someone single.

[Kathy Ohara7]

Note that I said ethically. We haven't really done anything sexual.

It's 2021, people have open relationships...and two different people can complement the same person in different ways. 

Besides, I have several indications that he and his wife may be separated. I was told that she lived at a different place than him. 

[Spawn]

focus on having real relationships with single people, whom you can meet up with it, these online relationships are not at all healthy. There is absolutely no future to it in most cases. Date singles and avoid married people, you will definitely have some peace in your life. More importantly just look within you what you seek from a relationship, is it kids, loving partner, family etc. 

[Capricorn3]

3 minutes ago, Kathy Ohara7 said:

Note that I said ethically. We haven't really done anything sexual.

It's 2021, people have open relationships...and two different people can complement the same person in different ways. 

Besides, I have several indications that he and his wife may be separated. I was told that she lived at a different place than him. 

OP, you surely can't be this naive/gullible.  All you "know" is what he told you.  You have no idea what lies he tells.  He's probably not separated at all.  He's probably NOT in an open marriage either.  He's clearly messing behind his wife's back.  Would he show his wife all the letters you two have exchanged?  In essence OP, you know nothing about this man or his wife. Nothing.

[Jibralta]

20 minutes ago, Kathy Ohara7 said:

It's 2021, people have open relationships...and two different people can complement the same person in different ways. 

You don't know that they have an open relationship, though.

59 minutes ago, Kathy Ohara7 said:

he was "White Fanging" her (like a character in the book sent the dog away by yelling and being mean to him)

That's actually one of my favorite books as a kid. But I don't remember a part like this at all. It was more the reverse, actually.

 

[Batya33]

Marriage is marriage. In 2021 as well.  People have had open marriages forever.  Some people have multiple spouses and not just in 2021.  Irrelevant.  Don’t chit chat with married men unless his wife is ok with it and has told you so and unless you respect the marital relationship and have no romantic interest in the guy.  Separated is still married. He’s married.  You exchanged sexual texts. It’s not appropriate so it’s time to move on. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Kathy Ohara7 said:

But he and I had a moment in one of our first conversations, where I told him something about how beautiful I think he is, and then he responded that I "really turned him on". I wasn't born yesterday, I know what that means if you are possessing of male organs. 

The thing is though, that that wasn't really overtly sexual what I said, and so if that caused such a reaction, I know that it means that there were also romantic feelings involved with it. Enough to keep him wanting to talk to me for eight more months. 

Now he hasn't said anything even discreetly sexual since then. I think the reason may be that he knows that there is more than just sex involved for me, and possibly for him, and he doesn't want to get in too deep at this time, since he has a demanding job, and two kids, one of whom is only six. So he wants to do the right thing in his eyes. I don't think that if we did sleep together in the future that it would be wrong for that reason, at least not for me, as I would be a consenting adult, and my feelings later would be my business.

I feel you are going way overboard with this... 'fantasy'. 😕 

How you are seeing & reacting here is most likely not the same for him.

As you would most likely become 'emotionally invested' in some guy ' so far away'.. he is not!

I see this as he's had someone to 'confide in'.. and someone to kick back & chat with (as people need this- ways to 'vent').  But, has no real intent on getting serious with you. And by sounds of it, is something you were maybe hoping for?

As mentioned, this is not healthy.

You need to let it go now.  Back away and take care of YOU.  Get your own life in gear, not stuck on some guy, who you speak with, who does have a wife & kids!

Never get yourself involved with other's who are already involved. People need to learn this.

As per your question... men do have feelings.  he is not in denial.  he just never felt 'those real close feelings' for you.

It can take them time to get feelings, but when they do, it's for real! So, by sounds of it, this didn't happen - and I see it as a good thing.. This is a place you would NOT want to be.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Kathy Ohara7 said:

 is  it really seemed like it was almost a different person talking.  told him before, insecurities I have, perhaps because of a class difference

Sorry this happened and you got stuck in a cyber fantasy for that long.

What do you mean by insecurities and class difference?

Is it possible his wife found the texts while he was on his business trip and that's who texted you?

Make sure your real life is full and happy. Get more involved in your friends, family, groups, sports, clubs, take classes, volunteer, etc.

Also get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single men 

Strive for in person real life relationships.

[Rose Mosse]

.. This has got sleeze with a capital S. Come on, OP. Who are you kidding here? Are you also married or separated? The guy hasn't even been open with his wife yet and everything is hanging on suppositions. No one in their right mind would entertain something so awfully one-sided and deceptive.

This is not an open relationship until you meet the wife in person also. Avoid misusing the term "open" in open relationships to disguise full-on cheating. 

Be very wary of individuals like this from afar sprouting all kinds of lilies and daises from their lips and sweet nothings. Has it ever occurred to you why he picked you, out of all the women he could date "openly" in an "open relationship", so far away? He's done it to string you along for as long as he likes and he never has to introduce you in person to his wife if he wants to keep the cheating going on indefinitely. Think carefully about what you're doing and how you're implicating yourself or spending your precious time and energy on a person who's half a world away and screaming of issues. 

You could be spending quality time with a decent man living 10 minutes away from you as opposed to this headcase. Don't play this game.

 

[poorlittlefish]

Imagine being the wife.  Would you be happy if you were married and you discovered your husband had been texting another woman behind your back for 8 months?  You think it's ethical, but all the time he's texting you for hours he's not sorting out whatever is lacking in his relationship with his wife. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

OP, you surely can't be this naive/gullible.  All you "know" is what he told you.  You have no idea what lies he tells.  He's probably not separated at all.  He's probably NOT in an open marriage either. 

All of this, especially the bolded. 

OP, you need to wake up. This is a married man who knows he shouldn't be communicating with another woman like this. That's why he suddenly changed his tune and reminded you that you two are not anything more than chat-buddies. This is your cue that he is not separated and that their marriage is not open. He's drawing a boundary with you. 

Find your own man, OP, and stay away from married internet strangers. I can't fathom that it's very fulfilling to not date a man in real-life but waste time online with a guy who is married to someone else. Surely you have better options than this? 

[LaHermes]

14 hours ago, Kathy Ohara7 said:

insecurities I have, perhaps because of a class difference. 

Kathy:  

I fully endorse the advice given by the other posters and can add little. 

All this is pure fantasy. And how do you know he is telling you the truth. 

14 hours ago, Kathy Ohara7 said:

But now I'm "just a random stranger", he says.

That sums it up exactly. "Stranger" and "random".

Get out and get a real life. As Ms. Canuck said: Surely you have better options than this.

[Bothered2021]

I don’t think you should be texting a married man. Yes it’s his responsibility to be loyal but why would you even want to be involved in this situation? His wife is probably completely unaware and he is stringing along two women. He probably has no intention of telling his wife or leaving her. And your overly invested in something that is actually, nothing at all 

[Bothered2021]

17 hours ago, Kathy Ohara7 said:

Note that I said ethically. We haven't really done anything sexual.

It's 2021, people have open relationships...and two different people can complement the same person in different ways. 

Besides, I have several indications that he and his wife may be separated. I was told that she lived at a different place than him. 

Do you know they have an open relationship? Are you going off what he told you, because in 2021, we know that people lie...and you think they are separated? Did he say that? Once again the not living there could be a lie. 
And if they are not on board about having this type of relationship with other people then he is cheating on his wife and you are encouraging it. Idk I think about this from my point of view. I wouldn’t do this to another woman and I wouldn’t want it done to me

[Jibralta]

On 5/25/2021 at 6:50 PM, Kathy Ohara7 said:

My question is: Is the above statement something that you say to someone who is a complete stranger that you "have no real connection" with? 

I think it's very possible that his wife may have found his phone and started replying to you (and other random strangers he may have been talking to) in her husband's stead.