Becoming a Surrogate

[indea08]

Hi everyone, hope you all are well. 

I was hoping you guys could just talk me through this whole idea, give me outside perspectives and ideas.

My cousin recently had a successful IVF transfer, but just found out today at a scan that it will not carry. She’s devastated. She and her husband have been trying for years, but she has MS and therefore it’s very high risk and complicated. She’s been off her MS meds (!) while trying to conceive, which has been very difficult and painful for her. 

She (my cousin) was adopted by my aunt and uncle when she was two, and she never knew her birth parents or any of her biological family. There’s an added layer of desire for a baby, as the baby would be her only blood relative in her life. She said this to me when they first started trying.

I have two children. The first was born a year before I met my husband, and my husband and I struggled with infertility for three years before we finally conceived our second daughter. I know the desperation and longing that she feels, and it must be worse for her (I’d already had one child).

I’ve considered donating eggs, because I’m not using them, and what a wonderful gift to give someone. However, I live too far away from the clinics in my area. But now I’m considering offering myself as a surrogate for my cousin. I know for sure that I don’t want to have any more of my own, and I really don’t want to be pregnant again, I’m physically in the best shape of my life right now, but I feel like I will regret not offering to help. 9 months of pregnancy is just a drop in the bucket of my lifetime, and it would change their lives. I could help someone I love start a family. They’re wonderful people, they deserve to have a baby.

I’m turning 31 this year, so I would want to do the IVF transfer this year or next. Beyond that, I will be too busy with my career and this won’t be an option for me at that point. That’s when I think I will start regretting not having offered. I haven’t talked to my husband yet, I want to decide my own feelings first. It’s worth saying that I am one of those people who takes on the weight of the world and wants to fix everything. I know that about myself, so I am recognizing that. And I also have no idea if this is something my cousin would want to pursue. I don’t think I’d have any difficulty with becoming attached or giving them a baby I carried. I know that’s a possibility, but I really feel like my family is complete and I think I will just feel happy to see them be a happy family.

I keep circling back to this one thought...If I’m lucky enough to have the ability to give a life changing gift, a gift that I myself know what it feels like to long for, to a wonderful and deserving loved one, how can I not?

[SooSad33]

I like that idea.. to help in such a way, of course! 🙂 

And all you need to do is understand this is their child, nothing to do with you - is theirs, should you feel overwhelmed throughout the process.

If your hubby is a decent guy, don't see why he'd object.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, indea08 said:

I’m considering offering myself as a surrogate for my cousin. I know for sure that I don’t want to have any more of my own, and I really don’t want to be pregnant again, I’m physically in the best shape of my life right now, but I feel like I will regret not offering to help.

It's very nice of you to offer this! 

You've been through it twice, and know what to expect. And you're still young enough that your body shouldn't have much problem snapping back. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, indea08 said:

I haven’t talked to my husband yet, I also have no idea if this is something my cousin would want to pursue. 

The two people you need to discuss this with are your cousin and your husband. Then of course your doctor.

Your cousin may not want the complications of dealing with someone too close.

 

[Seraphim]

My former neighbour did this a few years ago for one of her best friends. It was very difficult on her because she had 3 disabled children of her own at that point and she didn’t know she also had fibromyalgia. The last 10 weeks were spent in the hospital because she went into preterm labour but it was successfully stopped but she had to stay on complete and utter bedrest so she was kept at the hospital. 
 

she said though other than her own children it was the biggest blessing she ever gave to anyone. Just seeing the love that her friend has for her child. 
 

I think it’s a beautiful blessing as well and that would’ve been the only way I would’ve had more than one child as well. 

I would  talk with your husband and your doctor first and then maybe approach your cousin. 

 

[DancingFool]

If you were a single woman without any obligations to anyone but yourself, I'd say go for it.

However, you are a wife and a mother to TWO children who need you. So playing a "hero" is not something you should be doing considering that each pregnancy comes with a risk of complications and death, especially high if you live in the US. I understand that you care about her, but you should care even more about your own kids and the fact that they deserve a mother who is alive and well. Food for thought.

[Seraphim]

We all risk death though having children. I think she would be alright. She is not at an age where she would be having a geriatric pregnancy. 

[indea08]

43 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

If you were a single woman without any obligations to anyone but yourself, I'd say go for it.

However, you are a wife and a mother to TWO children who need you. So playing a "hero" is not something you should be doing considering that each pregnancy comes with a risk of complications and death, especially high if you live in the US. I understand that you care about her, but you should care even more about your own kids and the fact that they deserve a mother who is alive and well. Food for thought.

I did end up mentioning that I was considering this to my husband this morning, and this was his concern as well. I’m fairly young, I’m physically fit and in good health, I’ve had two pregnancies and deliveries with absolutely no complications whatsoever. I just don’t feel concerned about this. I don’t know if that’s because I’ve never had any serious health issues in my life, or if it’s more of a result of my faith. My kids do deserve a mother who is alive and well, but that will not stop me from traveling overseas, sky diving, mountain climbing, snow skiing...and whatever other experiences I have the opportunity to try. If I’m called home as a result of doing something incredible that makes me feel alive, I’m okay with that, and I hope my girls would understand one day. I know not everyone welcomes that level of risk, but I think life is meant to be lived, and for me the rewards outweigh the risk.

Of course, if my husband doesn’t feel the same, then the whole idea is null and void anyways. I would never take a risk without his support.

[Hollyj]

I think that it would be an amazing gift, but I would be concerned with the MS and her ability to raise the child to adulthood.  How bad is her condition?

[DancingFool]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

We all risk death though having children. I think she would be alright. She is not at an age where she would be having a geriatric pregnancy. 

You don't have to be geriatric to be at risk. In fact plenty of young women die of pregnancy complications or while giving birth. It's one thing to risk for yourself, it's quite another to take that risk when you already have children and a responsibility to your own family. It's something the OP needs to think about long and hard instead of fixating on playing a hero. This is not something that should ever be downplayed as "nothing or no big deal". 

I think OP needs to have some frank discussions with a good OBGYN about her specific risk factors before jumping in and make a fully informed decision that includes everyone and not just her own desires.

[indea08]

52 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

You don't have to be geriatric to be at risk. In fact plenty of young women die of pregnancy complications or while giving birth. It's one thing to risk for yourself, it's quite another to take that risk when you already have children and a responsibility to your own family. It's something the OP needs to think about long and hard instead of fixating on playing a hero. This is not something that should ever be downplayed as "nothing or no big deal". 

I think OP needs to have some frank discussions with a good OBGYN about her specific risk factors before jumping in and make a fully informed decision that includes everyone and not just her own desires.

I think you’re completely off base with all of this. I haven’t decided I want to do this. I wanted objective people just to talk through the idea with me, just to help me decide if this is really something I want to offer. I’m offended by you assuming I’m considering this to “play a hero” and that I’ve disregarded my own family.

[indea08]

50 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I think that it would be an amazing gift, but I would be concerned with the MS and her ability to raise the child to adulthood.  How bad is her condition?

When she’s taking her medications as usual, she leads a pretty normal life. She does have some pain, occasionally some numbness or tingling. Although, this diagnosis is just part of life for her, and she hates people making a fuss over her, so it may be worse than she lets on. I have thought about this as well, how difficult it might be, but I trust her and her husband, and I’m sure they’ve discussed and planned for raising a baby. 

[melancholy123]

I know a woman who carried a baby for a friend successfully.  I don't know many details tho.  I would think you need to talk to your doctor and probably a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist to make sure you are in the proper frame of mind to do this.  You won't want to conceive and then want to keep the child, that would cause all manner of problems.  This is not something to casually entertain as a nice thing to do, there's plenty of emotional and mental issues to deal with for yourself.  Do a ton of research!

[indea08]

26 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I know a woman who carried a baby for a friend successfully.  I don't know many details tho.  I would think you need to talk to your doctor and probably a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist to make sure you are in the proper frame of mind to do this.  You won't want to conceive and then want to keep the child, that would cause all manner of problems.  This is not something to casually entertain as a nice thing to do, there's plenty of emotional and mental issues to deal with for yourself.  Do a ton of research!

This is fair. I don’t think I’d feel that way, but how could I know for sure without experiencing it? I’ll check for some forums or groups for women who’ve done this and see what their experience was like. Thank you!

[Batya33]

Hi. So. Wow.  I am inspired by your caring and thoughtfulness and generosity. You know would you be open to speaking to a trusted outsider - whether a therapist or a religious figure you look up to - someone like that - to sort of confirm that you would be ok birthing the child then giving her up as far as you not being the mother for all practical purposes.  Also I think of what ifs like what if the baby has disabilities and what if an ultrasound reveals birth defects - are these what ifs you feel comfortable discussing with your cousin ? I am not at all telling you what the resolution of these issues will be - so personal and individual!!!- just raising the general topic. 
I had a geriatric pregnancy. I was 42.  I had a stroke about two weeks post birth despite a smooth pregnancy and being in really good health.  I recovered from it fully from all I can tell but I have a higher risk of another one than the average person.  It was really unusual and they blamed it on the pregnancy.  Just something to consider. 
I love the idea of your kids having a cousin that was in their mom’s belly ! They will have this special knowledge and hopefully a special bond !! And know their mom not only gives her all to them but this amazing precious gift to her family member   All the best to you and your family 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, indea08 said:

This is fair. I don’t think I’d feel that way, but how could I know for sure without experiencing it? I’ll check for some forums or groups for women who’ve done this and see what their experience was like. Thank you!

Oh !  I wrote my post before I read yours !

[indea08]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Hi. So. Wow.  I am inspired by your caring and thoughtfulness and generosity. You know would you be open to speaking to a trusted outsider - whether a therapist or a religious figure you look up to - someone like that - to sort of confirm that you would be ok birthing the child then giving her up as far as you not being the mother for all practical purposes.  Also I think of what ifs like what if the baby has disabilities and what if an ultrasound reveals birth defects - are these what ifs you feel comfortable discussing with your cousin ? I am not at all telling you what the resolution of these issues will be - so personal and individual!!!- just raising the general topic. 
I had a geriatric pregnancy. I was 42.  I had a stroke about two weeks post birth despite a smooth pregnancy and being in really good health.  I recovered from it fully from all I can tell but I have a higher risk of another one than the average person.  It was really unusual and they blamed it on the pregnancy.  Just something to consider. 
I love the idea of your kids having a cousin that was in their mom’s belly ! They will have this special knowledge and hopefully a special bond !! And know their mom not only gives her all to them but this amazing precious gift to her family member   All the best to you and your family 

 

Thank you for your sweet words and support! You have a good point about disabilities and such. I know I don’t have it in me to intentionally terminate a pregnancy, so that’s definitely something I need to read about and discuss with her if I decide to offer this. 

I didn’t really put too much thought into explaining to my daughter that it’s her cousin in my belly. I love your point of view on that, it really is beautiful. 

As far as speaking with someone, I think I need to be a little more sure that I want to do this before I go that far. I’ll keep researching, sleeping on it, and praying about it until I’m ready to either close the book or move forward.

Thank you, Batya!

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, indea08 said:

Thank you for your sweet words and support! You have a good point about disabilities and such. I know I don’t have it in me to intentionally terminate a pregnancy, so that’s definitely something I need to read about and discuss with her if I decide to offer this. 

I didn’t really put too much thought into explaining to my daughter that it’s her cousin in my belly. I love your point of view on that, it really is beautiful. 

As far as speaking with someone, I think I need to be a little more sure that I want to do this before I go that far. I’ll keep researching, sleeping on it, and praying about it until I’m ready to either close the book or move forward.

Thank you, Batya!

I mean it's a delicate balance right -because there are so many what ifs to begin with with pregnancy even if you chose to be pregnant and it's "your" child and now you have this added layer of complexity.  However you also don't want to get so mired in the what if the sky falls stuff that you lose sight of the joyous, celebratory part.  Maybe watch that hilarious movie -what was it -baby mama - wasn't that about a surrogate?  

[itsallgrand]

Isn't it funny though that she is stuck on the idea of a bio child, and yet, here is her family - not "blood" or bio - willing to consider risking her health and life to make her dream for a bio child come true?! 

Just from my perspective, I'm chuckling at that. Maybe the gift she needs is seeing things in a new way? Her situation can be as tragic as herself and you choose to see it, or as an opportunity to look at what being a mom means in a new way. 

I'm not judging. I think you have a big heart. And I know her pain and longing is real, she experiences it profoundly. But she CAN still become a mother without surrogacy, if she is open and chooses it. It's a choice right now for her, so it's something to think about. 

If you really want to be a surrogate, because that's what is right for you, and what you need to do, then I wish you 100% good luck and health pursuing it. 

You asked for different ways others may look at it. That's kinda how I see it. Hope it helps you in deliberating, beyond all the research, a lot of it is a choice of your heart. ❤️

 

[catfeeder]

I am so moved and inspired by your generosity.

While considering the wild card of how either you or she might end up feeling about the lack of neutrality in this particular match, you might want to explore a daisy-chain option.

This is where you would be a surrogate on your cousin's behalf for a neutral party while she receives the same gift from another neutral party.

This can eliminate any future drama that nobody can change after the fact.