Googled his username and saw it in a pornsite

[amihan]

I am starting to like my former colleague. He’s religious, gentleman, , polite, conservative (I believe) and very supportive. He always offered help to me especially in the aspect of career. Through our conversations, silently deciphered that we have so much in common.

We just had few moments of personal interaction because CoVid19 started last year and our company decided to settle for work from home set up.

During the lockdown period, we chat as friends but it was rare.  We became busy and I got more focused on my job and I had depression. In a nutshell, I became focus on healing. Until I decided to resign. I didn’t bid goodbye to him. But one day, he sent me message how was my life going on. Our virtual interaction extended by phone calls and chat.

I investigated him through a common friend that he had previously briefly mentioned to me. To my surprise, my friend shared that she thought that this guy liked my friend. They were officemates before. She told me also that she had developing feelings towards him. And as woman’s instinct, she could feel that his interest romantically  but he was slow to admit his feelings. So, she moved on and dated another guy. She shared to me that she was already introduced to the family and that he shared to her that he was not into flings or one night stand; that he hated being a toy boy.

My friend told me that if ever he would asked me out, I should give him a chance because he was a good catch.

 

We shared dreams and personal life stories. He got serious problem in his family as his mother suffered from cancer. I became more concerning as I shared my tips and opinion in taking care of cancer patients because I had experience of it particularly that my mom and my aunt suffered from this disease. Eventually her mother died last February.

Recently, we he messaged me. We had a chat about my former colleague and career plans. I passingly mentioned to him that former my colleague in another company who happened to be his new colleague has a restaurant. I told him to tell the guy once the pandemic is over, I would visit the restaurant. He informally replied that we can go together. My impression was maybe he was asking me out for a date.

I have a habit of googling or investigating guys before going out. I found no history of ex or whatsoever. Actually, I googled him the Day 2 we met because I have been seeing hints that he might like me as he was very passionate in our discussions and he used to follow me in the pantry. During those days, I saw his social media accounts, LinkedIn. His posts are mostly highly intellectual  and more on Catholic articles .

To my boredom this morning, I searched his IG username. His name, by the way, is very common in the Spain, Latin America, and in the US (both first and last name). So when I entered the username, I saw in the results a website that ends with .xyz instead of .com. I don’t remember the site. But basically in the results I saw the following titles:

Visitor of OK Cupid

Why is dating stressful?

These are the sites:

<Removed>

 

 

 

 

 

Then under these titles I saw in line lists of usernames and his in bold font.

So I checked it. When I clicked it, it directed me to a long lists of usernames with some kind of a code.

At the top I saw a search box  and it is also indicated 18+ . I typed his username. To my surprise, it was a site for searching f*ck buddies.

I went out of the site and went back again to the list. I used ctrl +f to search his username but there was none.

I was thinking maybe he was hacked. Maybe it is not his because he has very common name. Or maybe he really got a little secret. This might be possible because last year, I encourage an indecent proposal from my favorite artist. I looked up to him and admire him as a painter. He was very well respected and internationally known for his arts together with his wife. I refused to his invitation even though he said that he was in an open relationship because I highly value fidelity and this type of set up is not my thing. Also, I had experience searching an ex in Google after breakup and I saw that he an dating account in Russia and a Facebook profile with explicit photos of him with Asian women followers (Good thing that I didn’t sleep with him). During that time, she had a girlfriend and he is now married to that girl. 

Going back to the topic, I am perplexed but I want to be objective.

This guy is very so much respected by our colleagues and in our academic circle. His level of maturity and intellectuality is what I am looking for. I am beginning to be emotionally attached to him and I have been avoiding it because I wanted to know him better.

Your thoughts and advice will be highly appreciated. 

 

 

[CrazyWife]

Unfortunately with snooping it gives you more questions than answers I am afraid. 

What if it is him? Why would he lose respectability? He is human and has needs. Maybe was after a hook up at the time? We all have our little secrets that we keep from colleagues.

You either have to ask him about it or forget about it and enjoy seeing this man in the now. You may need to question if you can move on from it if you continue seeing him. 

Personally I wouldn't see it as a problem but that's me. If it us going to be a problem you might just need to cut ties. It's down to you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[whiteroses3230]

This type of evidence sounds like nothing to me. I’ve googled people pretty extensively before and oftentimes usernames will show up in lists like that. It’s computer generated.  It’s likely not him. 

[Hollyj]

How do you know it is him if it is a common name?

[rchubn]

LOL.... Hear me out. This happened to me too. I ended up googling my ex boyfriends email username because I wanted to find his Amazon wishlist but ended up finding a porn account he had with his ex girlfriend. Basically I saw things I did not need to see (stuff I wasn't even looking for) and the relationship suffered because I was basically traumatized lmao. The second link on Google was his reddit profile where he basicallh solicits/flirts with women posting on the NSFW topics and even came across threads he created asking for random hookups with strangers on reddit. After running into the reddit page I started creeping on it periodically and he was basically still posting creepy comments on NSFW reddits during our relationship and I couldn't even say anything about it because I wasn't supposed to know 

MY POINT: People post on their true colors anonymously on the internet all the time. It's probably his page. 

[amihan]

15 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

Unfortunately with snooping it gives you more questions than answers I am afraid. 

What if it is him? Why would he lose respectability? He is human and has needs. Maybe was after a hook up at the time? We all have our little secrets that we keep from colleagues.

You either have to ask him about it or forget about it and enjoy seeing this man in the now. You may need to question if you can move on from it if you continue seeing him. 

Personally I wouldn't see it as a problem but that's me. If it us going to be a problem you might just need to cut ties. It's down to you.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks for the advice. I will not ask him about it because it would be awkward that he would know that I am invested on him. I decided not to initiate any conversation on my part starting today and reflect. Consistency and effort is still my basis. I will still give him a chance and would scrutinize his behavior. 

It might be computer generated or it might be him. At the right time, I will know the truth. We have been interacting virtually for a long time due to pandemic and he has been polite and respectful. I believe if we meet on person once again, I will see how he act. From my previous experiences, just like my ex, no matter how much he projected himself as a religious and editor man, there are certain circumstances that I feel uncomfortable because he value so much sexual or romantic activities rather than real quality time on advancement of our relationship. I really felt that I was a mere sex object.  

I am now slowly learning to detach myself. I will give this guy a chance if he would chase. Besides, I have shown hints of interest.

If not, I would move more forward without hurting his feelings. This guy has helped so much since we met last year, I will still consider him as a friend. He can still count on me but never sexually. 

[amihan]

8 hours ago, whiteroses3230 said:

This type of evidence sounds like nothing to me. I’ve googled people pretty extensively before and oftentimes usernames will show up in lists like that. It’s computer generated.  It’s likely not him. 

Thanks for your insight.

[amihan]

8 hours ago, Hollyj said:

How do you know it is him if it is a common name?

Because his in the Hispanic culture, his name is common in a sense that when you type both first and last name, it will appear thousands of accounts in Facebook for example.

[amihan]

5 hours ago, rchubn said:

MY POINT: People post on their true colors anonymously on the internet all the time. It's probably his page. 

It’s a real red flag for me. Whether its him or not, I will give him a chance. But once I become uncomfortable with a such unusual behavior (for example slip of the tongue, the types of activities are dominantly sexually involved etc...)and if my instinct kicks, I will cut ties immediately. But yes, I agree with you. People post on their true colors anonymously. This words are very helpful.

[indea08]

No wonder dating is so hard for people anymore.

Why don’t you decide if you like him based on your experience with him instead of developing preconceived notions based off of some random internet search? I swear, the internet has killed humanity.

[boltnrun]

So you know for an absolute fact that is his user name and it is him who was on those sites?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately your internet searches are inaccurate and simplistic. Anyone can type in anything.

Google your own name, user names, etc. and see how much mixed up inaccurate nonsense comes up. 

Make sure your bipolar is under control and you're not getting into a manic phase with internet searches rabbit holes and paranoia.

When you have all this energy to pursue these types of searches it's something you may want to discuss with your supporting therapist.

[boltnrun]

I actually paid for a background check since I knew my potential new employer was going to perform an extensive one. It said I had been arrested TWICE in a city I've never even been to.

If his name is very common how do you know for sure that information you found was really him?

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, amihan said:

Because his in the Hispanic culture, his name is common in a sense that when you type both first and last name, it will appear thousands of accounts in Facebook for example.

Exactly.  That why I was saying it was unlikely him.

[Hollyj]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I actually paid for a background check since I knew my potential new employer was going to perform an extensive one. It said I had been arrested TWICE in a city I've never even been to.

If his name is very common how do you know for sure that information you found was really him?

So what did you get busted for?  :)

[amihan]

3 hours ago, indea08 said:

No wonder dating is so hard for people anymore.

Why don’t you decide if you like him based on your experience with him instead of developing preconceived notions based off of some random internet search? I swear, the internet has killed humanity.

I am trying to be objective. I deactivated my social media account and stopped searching about him. I think that I had searched enough. Now, I am focusing on my new job and try not initiating any form of contact. I understand that he also needs space because of his mother's death. As I had mentioned in a previous comment, I will give him a chance if he will contact me and he would ask me out.  Perhaps, from there I could judge fairly if I will continue with him because I can see his behaviors and how he would treat me as a lady. I am not an internet person and dating virtually is very hard for me especially this period of pandemic. But if not, I will move more forward and focus more on myself and my career. 

[bluecastle]

3 hours ago, indea08 said:

No wonder dating is so hard for people anymore.

Why don’t you decide if you like him based on your experience with him instead of developing preconceived notions based off of some random internet search? I swear, the internet has killed humanity.

This. 

I get being cautious when it comes to opening up to new people, but the impression your posts give is that you operate from the assumption that people are not who they tell you they are, and show you, but who they might be based on what the internet spits back. This headspace, far more than what comes up on the internet, is going to make sincere connection, if that's your long term goal, very challenging. 

 

[amihan]

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you know for an absolute fact that is his user name and it is him who was on those sites?

When I wrote the post, I have just discovered the username in those sites and I was in a state of shock. After hours of sleep and being pre-occupied on  my daily tasks and my job, I have realized that I should not based my emotions 100 %  on what I have seen last night. And the fact that a large percent of men has his name also. 

I would say that my experience last night may give me a signal to be more careful but at the same time stay objective on dealing with man. Honestly, the guy was the most gentleman and mature who has approached  me. He's way more better than those who I had technically relationship or dated with.   

[amihan]

25 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Exactly.  That why I was saying it was unlikely him.

Thank you for your insight. My mind has refreshed from these worries. 

[Hollyj]

Just now, amihan said:

Thank you for your insight. My mind has refreshed from these worries. 

Have a good time with him!

[Fudgie]

You said he has a very common name. I would not worry about anything you find that just references his name then. My name is VERY common and yes, I've Google'd myself and TONS of stuff pops up, good and bad, tons of different people, nothing to do with me at all. I could only find myself on maybe 2 mundane results, several pages in, and that's from an old newspaper mention. 

Anyone with a common name has this happen to them. It's not worth any worry. 

[amihan]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately your internet searches are inaccurate and simplistic. Anyone can type in anything.

Google your own name, user names, etc. and see how much mixed up inaccurate nonsense comes up. 

Make sure your bipolar is under control and you're not getting into a manic phase with internet searches rabbit holes and paranoia.

When you have all this energy to pursue these types of searches it's something you may want to discuss with your supporting therapist.

Thanks for reminding my bipolar situation. This is why I searched opinion and insights here rather from people whom I know. Indeed, I was in manic last night.  And I ran into this site because I don't want to ruin the guy's image for uncertain information. Also it is nice to hear different perspectives from outside my sphere and from different cultures.  

I believe both my OCPD and bipolar disorder brought me to this worries. The results of the internet searches may remind me to be more cautious but at the same time I need to be more grounded and realistic in accepting someone as partner. Part of me began a little bit sad last night because I never met someone who has supported me so much and understood my ambitions. Even my ex never did that. 

[amihan]

2 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

You said he has a very common name. I would not worry about anything you find that just references his name then. My name is VERY common and yes, I've Google'd myself and TONS of stuff pops up, good and bad, tons of different people, nothing to do with me at all. I could only find myself on maybe 2 mundane results, several pages in, and that's from an old newspaper mention. 

Anyone with a common name has this happen to them. It's not worth any worry. 

Thanks for the insight. I really need to validate not only to myself but also from other people because I don't want to quickly judge someone and  break our friendship or if ever the possibility of romantic link with him because he is really a good person. 

[amihan]

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I actually paid for a background check since I knew my potential new employer was going to perform an extensive one. It said I had been arrested TWICE in a city I've never even been to.

If his name is very common how do you know for sure that information you found was really him?

 

1 minute ago, amihan said:

Thanks for the insight. I really need to validate not only to myself but also from other people because I don't want to quickly judge someone and  break our friendship or if ever the possibility of romantic link with him because he is really a good person. 

 

11 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Have a good time with him!

I will. I will stop overthinking... :)

[amihan]

21 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

This. 

I get being cautious when it comes to opening up to new people, but the impression your posts give is that you operate from the assumption that people are not who they tell you they are, and show you, but who they might be based on what the internet spits back. This headspace, far more than what comes up on the internet, is going to make sincere connection, if that's your long term goal, very challenging. 

 

This is why I am asking thought from this site. But as I have replied to Wiseman2's comment, I have reflected. I will still based on how he treat me in person because there's no hundred percent assurance that he's the same person that I found in the internet.