About to end my 90 day fiancee adventure

[dias]

19 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She appears to defer to him in all ways. 

Appears is the key word here. The reality is the exact opposite. He will end up deferring to her. 

OP, I am not saying what you are doing is a bad idea. Bear in mind though, this is a transaction. Nothing wrong with that, if it's a win-win transaction then great, however, don't complain (or start making generalizations about Ukrainian women) if you think you got duped down the road because it's your choice. 

I wish you enjoy your life with her. 

[LotusBlack]

39 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

I don't want to be in charge of everything.  I want a partnership, so this is definitely not an option.  Latin would be an option, but I still want a woman to have input into all major decisions.  I'm not a bossy person.   I'm a man and can take charge, but like I said I view women as equal, not less than myself.

 

We've discussed parenting.  I will have a lesser role early on other than rules and just focus on getting him to trust me.  She does want a father for her son, so I will take that role on.  I will be learning as I go.  English will be the primary language in the house.  Of course she will translate some things into Russian and I will also learn some.  Its a hard language.  I've already put effort into it.  She's fluent enough and he understands more English than I realized.  He's getting lessons there now.  Just started that last week.

We likely won't have kids, so thats not really an issue, just a question of me accepting I missed my window and life is different now.

We got through all the pre-marital counseling and he continues to be a resource for me and her as well.  He will likely perform the ceremony.  Our core values are compatible.  We just need to live under the same roof and see how it is in everyday life.  But there's enough love between us that its worth the risk.

 

Jibralta, I am not minimizing the culture shock.  I've taken many steps to prepare her and inform her.  I've also taken steps to introduce her to the Russian community here which we will be a part of.  I'm not a fool like these people on 90 day Fiance.  I think things out. We have support here from Russian people I know who will help both of us.

 

Well, it sounds like you’ve got it all figured out now and that things are hunky dory. The way you are expressing your thoughts after all the less than positive responses regarding your decision to get married to this woman reads as though you never felt there were any serious issues to begin with. Truly a far cry from the impression you gave us initially. Why did you even bother posting if all you’re going to do is rebut every piece of advice that doesn’t gel with your desired outcome? You’re wilfully denying the fact that you have serious incompatibilities, and that is before even knowing what this woman and her son are going to be like living together full-time. Your present incompatibilities aren’t going to get less the more she is around, if anything they’re going to increase.

Yes, you may have access to your pastor as a resource, but by your own admission, he has seriously advised that you rethink your decision to get married, as he sees the incompatibilities in your relationship. 

If you’re not open to hearing constructive feedback on your relationship because it isn’t what you want to hear, then perhaps don’t ask for advice or opinions. Just go ahead and marry this woman, as you’re adamant to do so. No need to convince us of your perfectness for each other  and all the groundwork you’ve done to ensure your success - it’s not our lives that will be affected, it’s yours. But, you do sound as though you’re trying to convince yourself, I will say. But, good luck to you! I really mean that. Everyone deserves happiness and you are no exception to that - so I hope you do find it!

Post Scriptum: My husband is Japanese and I am Australian. I lived for years in Japan before I incidentally met him in UK, where he’d already been living for years. I am comfortable in his culture, with his language and he with mine, but let me be clear that culture does shape a number of important aspects of a relationship and no amount of preparing for or theorising is going to get you ready for reality. So, I do think you are being a bit naive on that one.

[Hollyj]

21 hours ago, Atlguy said:

Not true.  I'm dead serious about moving.  Yes, politics and weather are factors.  Though my home state has gone the wrong way politically, its still my first choice.  If I could work from home, I would have been long gone.  I actually can work from home, but have a horrible boss who plays favorites.  I'm not one. I will not put my financial future at risk and move without a job to go to.  Just can't be that irresponsible.  Some people can, I can't.

Holly, you don't know what you're talking about.  Easy to judge from where you sit.

 

I am going from what you wrote.  And I believe that this is the title of YOUR thread: "About to end my 90 day fiancee adventure."   I  am a tad confused by your response.

You seem to have all the answers, as you are not listening to those who you know or the posters on this site.  I am a bit confused as to why you created the thread?

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Atlguy said:

I don't want to be in charge of everything.  I want a partnership, so this is definitely not an option.  Latin would be an option, but I still want a woman to have input into all major decisions.  I'm not a bossy person.   I'm a man and can take charge, but like I said I view women as equal, not less than myself.

This couple doesn't appear to be "unequal" and the husband doesn't appear to be "bossy" (not sure where you got that, I didn't say he was bossy), but she seems to prefer to defer to him.  However they are remaining in the Philippines due to her family connections so obviously he doesn't just lay down the law and she has to comply or else.  He does appear to take charge in many ways (for example, he is paying to have her parents' home renovated but she is choosing the floor tiles and her parents have chosen the layout) but again, she doesn't seem to be intimidated by him.  It's just the way they choose to interact.  Maybe her culture is more "traditional".

However, you want someone to have equal input which is great.  But from what you wrote she is perhaps not as on board with working when she gets to the US and you seem to expect her to because she works in her home country.  I would definitely get a firm answer on that or it might end up like my brother's first marriage, where his wife didn't work the entire 20 years they were married even though she said she would.

[Atlguy]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This couple doesn't appear to be "unequal" and the husband doesn't appear to be "bossy" (not sure where you got that, I didn't say he was bossy), but she seems to prefer to defer to him.  However they are remaining in the Philippines due to her family connections so obviously he doesn't just lay down the law and she has to comply or else.  He does appear to take charge in many ways (for example, he is paying to have her parents' home renovated but she is choosing the floor tiles and her parents have chosen the layout) but again, she doesn't seem to be intimidated by him.  It's just the way they choose to interact.  Maybe her culture is more "traditional".

However, you want someone to have equal input which is great.  But from what you wrote she is perhaps not as on board with working when she gets to the US and you seem to expect her to because she works in her home country.  I would definitely get a firm answer on that or it might end up like my brother's first marriage, where his wife didn't work the entire 20 years they were married even though she said she would.

I wasn't implying the guy you mentioned was bossy, but maybe in charge of most things.  I will be in charge of a lot, but I won't try to control her.  Thats what I meant.  She has a voice if she wants it, and she does want a voice as she's not submissive, but independent. 

I've gotten her commitment to work.  She's already put a lot of thought into how her skills translate here and is working on learning new skills for her profession.  We're lucky she's in IT and will be an immigrant, so she will be able to get a job anywhere, especially given the political landscape now.  She will meet "diversity" standards.  This is one time (and maybe the only one) that our political landscape actually will work in our favor.  It would work swimmingly in a city like Atlanta.

Anyway, I won't post about it anymore and just let the thread die since people here think I'm an idiot about to ruin my life.  Thats fine.  This board was at least at first very supportive compared to others, so thanks for that.  Its now deteriorated to the point to where I don't want to participate and feel like I have to defend myself.  Its not a black and white answer for me.  I just wanted to see if there was something I hadn't considered, but many of the points made were either off base or not helpful, but some were.  I just wanted to find my person, and it was never going to happen as long as I lived where I do.  Either we'll be good together and we won't.  If we aren't, I won't go through with marrying her.  Its just been a very up and down relationship because of the distance and we will just have to see.  I shouldn't have posted here.

[dias]

5 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

I've gotten her commitment to work.  She's already put a lot of thought into how her skills translate here and is working on learning new skills for her profession.  We're lucky she's in IT and will be an immigrant, so she will be able to get a job anywhere, especially given the political landscape now.  She will meet "diversity" standards.  This is one time (and maybe the only one) that our political landscape actually will work in our favor.  

 

Anyway, I won't post about it anymore and just let the thread die since people here think I'm an idiot about to ruin my life.  Thats fine.  This board was at least at first very supportive compared to others, so thanks for that.  Its now deteriorated to the point to where I don't want to participate and feel like I have to defend myself.  Its not a black and white answer for me.  I just wanted to see if there was something I hadn't considered, but many of the points made were either off base or not helpful, but some were.  I just wanted to find my person, and it was never going to happen as long as I lived where I do.  Either we'll be good together and we won't.  If we aren't, I won't go through with marrying her.  Its just been a very up and down relationship because of the distance and we will just have to see.  I shouldn't have posted here.

Dude, do your thing, we are random people here giving opinions . Do what you think it's right for you. 

[LotusBlack]

@dias Because I couldn’t respond in your own thread/journal.

”Something does not add up here. Very rich people buy green cards, they don't get married for visas, this is the procedure for poor opportunist lol. She must have been a very good con artist to sell this story so well. ”

In some circumstances they do. My father was living and working in Singapore and the company he worked for and that had stationed him there used a product she had created. That was how they met. He didn’t go to Asia looking for a wife. She also owned a fair bit of land that was bought out and developed for commercial use in a number of regions, which they paid top dollar for. My father stayed with her in some of her properties in China for quite some time and they were unquestionably hers. He also visited a number of her factories.

I remember on one occasion being a bit put off by the fact that she had one of only 2 known sundials in her house. The other was in a museum. As should “hers” have been. As an archaeologist, I have an issue with people buying artefacts for private collections, especially when there are so few of particular objects. I can tell when something is a copy and when an object is authentic and the one she had was definitely not  fake.

When they moved to Australia she and my father bought several properties, though she contributed the largest portion for one and entirely paid for the others on her own. Her money was very real and my father’s pride at providing for his wife was put to the test on many occasions as he often was the one who couldn’t keep up. It didn’t make sense to us why she chose to live a lie for 5 years and go the route she did when she could have just taken 18 months and gone through the immigration channel by herself as an investor. But after 7 years of this being dragged out in the courts with my father trying to hold on to the one house they bought together, his lawyer found that she’d been trying to stay under the radar with a number of questionable business dealings that implicated her both in China and Australia. That was why she used my father - to appear as just a woman in love who wanted to live in Australia with him. She’s still loaded, still in Australia, and still a calculating woman. It’s not the typical story, but it does happen. She is, as you said, a good con artist because she managed to stay in character for 5 solid years, pretending to love my father. That’s true, but so is her money. And, it’s a trap others can fall in to if not careful. Just because a story isn’t obvious, doesn’t mean it doesn’t occur, which is how people fall into a false sense of security when presented with uncommon scenarios.

And to the OP of this thread, just because she owns her own property and has a good job/income doesn’t mean she doesn’t have ulterior motives - my father’s story case and point.

[Hollyj]

10 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

@dias Because I couldn’t respond in your own thread/journal.

”Something does not add up here. Very rich people buy green cards, they don't get married for visas, this is the procedure for poor opportunist lol. She must have been a very good con artist to sell this story so well. ”

In some circumstances they do. My father was living and working in Singapore and the company he worked for used a product she had created. That was how they met. He didn’t go to Asia looking for a wife. She also owned a fair bit of land that was bought out and developed for commercial use in a number of regions. My father stayed with her in some of her properties in China for quite some time and they were unquestionably hers.

I remember on one occasion being a bit put off by the fact that she had one of only 2 known sundials in her house. The other was in a museum. As should “hers” have been. As an archaeologist, I have an issue with people buying artefacts for private collections, especially when there are so few of particular objects. It wasn’t a copy either.

She and my father also bought several properties when they moved back to Australia, though she contributed the largest portion for one and entirely paid for the others on her own. Her money was very real and my father’s pride at providing for his wife was put to the test on many occasions as he often was the one who couldn’t keep up. It didn’t make sense to us why she chose to live a lie for 5 years and go the route she did when she could have just taken 18 months and gone through the immigration channel by herself as an investor. But after 7 years of this being dragged out in the courts with my father trying to hold on to the one house they bought together, his lawyer found that she’d been trying to stay under the radar with a number of questionable business dealings that implicated her both in China and Australia. That was why she used my father - to appear as just a woman in love who wanted to live in Australia with him. She’s still loaded, still in Australia, and still a calculating woman. It’s not the typical story, but it does happen. She is, as you said, a good con artist because she managed to stay in character for 5 solid years, pretending to love my father. That’s true, but so is her money - which much of it was probably was obtained in questionable ways.

I feel for your dad.   What a nightmare.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Atlguy said:

I wasn't implying the guy you mentioned was bossy, but maybe in charge of most things.  I will be in charge of a lot, but I won't try to control her.  Thats what I meant.  She has a voice if she wants it, and she does want a voice as she's not submissive, but independent. 

I've gotten her commitment to work.  She's already put a lot of thought into how her skills translate here and is working on learning new skills for her profession.  We're lucky she's in IT and will be an immigrant, so she will be able to get a job anywhere, especially given the political landscape now.  She will meet "diversity" standards.  This is one time (and maybe the only one) that our political landscape actually will work in our favor.  It would work swimmingly in a city like Atlanta.

Anyway, I won't post about it anymore and just let the thread die since people here think I'm an idiot about to ruin my life.  Thats fine.  This board was at least at first very supportive compared to others, so thanks for that.  Its now deteriorated to the point to where I don't want to participate and feel like I have to defend myself.  Its not a black and white answer for me.  I just wanted to see if there was something I hadn't considered, but many of the points made were either off base or not helpful, but some were.  I just wanted to find my person, and it was never going to happen as long as I lived where I do.  Either we'll be good together and we won't.  If we aren't, I won't go through with marrying her.  Its just been a very up and down relationship because of the distance and we will just have to see.  I shouldn't have posted here.

I’m sorry you feel that way, but people were initially very supportive. And sometimes that support comes in the form of telling you something you might not want to hear. You mentioned a number of very concerning issues and when trying to speak more on it with you you backtracked and tried to justify or excuse away the problems. People can become frustrated then when looking out for someone’s best interests who seems determined to shoot him/herself in the foot. We tried the gentle approach, that didn’t work. So a direct, brutally honest approach was used to try to hold a mirror up to you as those of us who commented only did so using your own words about your situation. You presented your story and we followed it until you backtracked.

If what you want is to marry this woman come hell or high water, we wish you all the best of luck and hope to heck it doesn’t end badly. 

[LotusBlack]

34 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I feel for your dad.   What a nightmare.

Fortunately, he won the house, but he lost all his savings on 7 years of legal fees. I hope others never have to experience that. I can’t even imagine how hurtful it must feel to find your partner that you love was pretending the whole time. 

[Atlguy]

3 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I’m sorry, but people were very supportive. And sometimes that support comes in the form of telling you something you might not want to hear. You mentioned a number of very concerning issues and when trying to speak more on it with you you backtracked and tried to justify or excuse away the problems. People can become frustrated then when looking out for someone’s best interests who seems determined to shoot him/herself in the foot. We tried the gentle approach, that didn’t work. So tough love was used to try to hold a mirror up to you as those of us who commented only did so using your own words about your situation. You presented your story and we followed it until you backtracked.

If what you want is to marry this woman come hell or high water, we wish you all the best of luck and hope to heck it doesn’t end badly. 

OK, point made.  I posted when I thought I was going to end it.  I admit it is a bad sign that this is a rollercoaster relationship.  But then I remind myself how unconventional it is and had we lived in the same city all this time, it either would have run its course or we'd still be planning to get married.  Its just not so simple.  I am risking a lot, but so is she.  I don't see ulterior motives except maybe as it relates to her son and wanting to give him a better life/opportunities.  She doesn't seem to be faking her feelings for me, but hey, maybe I'm just a sucker.  I don't view this as a transaction. Time will tell I guess.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Atlguy said:

OK, point made.  I posted when I thought I was going to end it.  I admit it is a bad sign that this is a rollercoaster relationship.  But then I remind myself how unconventional it is and had we lived in the same city all this time, it either would have run its course or we'd still be planning to get married.  Its just not so simple.  I am risking a lot, but so is she.  I don't see ulterior motives except maybe as it relates to her son and wanting to give him a better life/opportunities.  She doesn't seem to be faking her feelings for me, but hey, maybe I'm just a sucker.  I don't view this as a transaction. Time will tell I guess.

I know it can be challenging. My own situation isn’t so conventional. I was told I likely wouldn’t ever be able to have children. I was 32 at the time (now 34) and studying my Masters abroad when I met my now husband. Despite taking as many precautions as we could and doing so even with the knowledge that children was unlikely, I somehow ended up pregnant at only 3 months in to our relationship.

Although we had discussed what we’d do in the unlikely event that that occurred, the reality of it was very different and, as I had spent my entire life savings on tuition, I was not in a financial place to support a child, I could barely support myself. My then boyfriend had a decent income, but we don’t come from the same country as each other and we’re not living in a country we have any rights in as we’re not permanent residents or citizens. We have no access to support. 

I graduated at 5 months pregnant, my visa was set to expire just 2 weeks after my estimated due date. And, due to medical concerns during pregnancy I was not medically authorised fo fly but not legally allowed to stay. And my son wouldn’t be recognised by Japan unless we got married. Our hands were forced. We wanted to stay together, but we weren’t ready to get married. So, short answer is that we got married for a visa, but the longer answer is that I believed we were heading in that direction anyway. I was convinced he was my person. And love had to absolutely be the foundation of our decision to marry regardless of other extenuating circumstances that influenced and impacted a premature union. 

Only 1 year on, I found out that my husband, who I loved, didn’t love and had never loved me, and had felt forced (not by me but by the situation) into getting married - that he did so unwillingly. That cut deep. And despite our extreme familiarity and comfort in each other’s cultures (which we acquired before even ever having met each other) we are challenged every day by cultural differences that only become prevalent in the context of a marriage.

The apple did not fall so far from the tree and I ended up just like my father - married to someone who married me for reasons other than love and a desire to be united in life, despite my having done so with just that reason and with the complete belief my partner shared the same feelings. He saw no other way to get past our situation, so said whatever he had to say to me so that I went along. He knew that if he was honest with me I wouldn’t get married but then I’d be at risk. Honour and duty wouldn’t let him make any other choice but to lie to me to reach a goal. This, in part, has ruined our relationship and it hurts so much more on this side of things. I don’t want you to end up here too. You want to be extremely confident in your relationship and the reasons BOTH of you desire to get married, as lonely in a marriage is more lonely than being lonely alone. And, I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think your relationship is solid enough to handle the challenges of marriage at this stage. You need more than a few weeks together in person to even begin to determine if you’re compatible life partners. My sister and I share all the same core values and get along great when separated by countries. Put us together and s**t hits the fan. Simply having things in common with someone doesn’t guarantee compatibility at an intimate/close range level. My husband and I also get along great in many ways. We laugh together, enjoy spending time together, share so many significant core values; however, our ways of communicating during difficult situations is vastly different, as are our perceptions of those situations, which often leads to feeling invalidated and misunderstood. This can occur in relationships between people of the same cultural and linguistic background, but add in different countries and languages and it can be very hard to navigate. I’m not sure your relationship has had the time and experience building up the level of understanding required to get past challenges that will inevitably arise. I would suggest she move to yours for a period of 1 year without any talk of getting married before then and then reevaluate at that point. She doesn’t have to come through on a marriage or partner visa. She can apply for a visa as a highly skilled worker in the IT field or similar visa, come in on her own merit and then discuss marriage 1 year down the track, at least.

[Atlguy]

33 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I know it can be challenging. My own situation isn’t so conventional. I was told I likely wouldn’t ever be able to have children. I was 32 at the time (now 34) and studying my Masters abroad when I met my now husband. Despite taking as many precautions as we could and doing so even with the knowledge that children was unlikely, I somehow ended up pregnant at only 3 months in to our relationship.

Although we had discussed what we’d do in the unlikely event that that occurred, the reality of it was very different and, as I had spent my entire life savings on tuition, I was not in a financial place to support a child, I could barely support myself. My then boyfriend had a decent income, but we don’t come from the same country as each other and we’re not living in a country we have any rights in as we’re not permanent residents or citizens. We have no access to support. 

I graduated at 5 months pregnant, my visa was set to expire just 2 weeks after my estimated due date. And, due to medical concerns during pregnancy I was not medically authorised fo fly but not legally allowed to stay. And my son wouldn’t be recognised by Japan unless we got married. Our hands were forced. We wanted to stay together, but we weren’t ready to get married. So, short answer is that we got married for a visa, but the longer answer is that I believed we were heading in that direction anyway. I was convinced he was my person. And love had to absolutely be the foundation of our decision to marry regardless of other extenuating circumstances that influenced and impacted a premature union. 

Only 1 year on, I found out that my husband, who I loved, didn’t love and had never loved me, and had felt forced (not by me but by the situation) into getting married - that he did so unwillingly. That cut deep. And despite our extreme familiarity and comfort in each other’s cultures (which we acquired before even ever having met each other) we are challenged every day by cultural differences that only become prevalent in the context of a marriage.

The apple did not fall so far from the tree and I ended up just like my father - married to someone who married me for reasons other than love and a desire to be united in life, despite my having done so with just that reason and with the complete belief my partner shared the same feelings. He saw no other way to get past our situation, so said whatever he had to say to me so that I went along. He knew that if he was honest with me I wouldn’t get married but then I’d be at risk. Honour and duty wouldn’t let him make any other choice but to lie to me to reach a goal. This, in part, has ruined our relationship and it hurts so much more on this side of things. I don’t want you to end up here too. You want to be extremely confident in your relationship and the reasons BOTH of you desire to get married, as lonely in a marriage is more lonely than being lonely alone. And, I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think your relationship is solid enough to handle the challenges of marriage at this stage. You need more than a few weeks together in person to even begin to determine if you’re compatible life partners. My sister and I share all the same core values and get along great when separated by countries. Put us together and s**t hits the fan. Simply having things in common with someone doesn’t guarantee compatibility at an intimate/close range level.

Wow, I'm really sorry for what you've been through.  I can't even imagine how you must feel.  I hope the same doesn't happen to me.  I can only trust what she's told me.  I will say she's not manipulative in any way that I can see.  She even wants to keep her job in case it doesn't work.  We are both protecting ourselves because we know a lot can happen.  I'm structuring a prenup.  Nobody wants to think of these things, but this is 2021 and people you think you can trust betray that trust.  I hope we get to a point where I don't worry about "what if" this or that happens and she turns into someone I don't recognize or fools me.  I just know she's shown me who she is, including the not so good parts and so I'm not going in blind.  But I'm also learning how to say things in a more thoughtful way.  We're both learning how to navigate the cultural and communication differences.  I see her as someone with integrity and not a user.  She's extremely independent and doesn't need a man, she wants one.  Thats what I see.  But I also see her feminine side and a woman who wants to be with someone who brings that out in her.  She's had to be the mother an father and provider for a decade for her son, so now she won't be doing it alone.  

I assume you're still married because of the child.  I'm sure its lonely and I hope you can find a solution.  I'll do what I can with the advice here.  My problem is that I don't trust my own judgment anymore, and that certainly is playing into my back and forth on my relationship.

[LotusBlack]

3 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

Wow, I'm really sorry for what you've been through.  I can't even imagine how you must feel.  I hope the same doesn't happen to me.  I can only trust what she's told me.  I will say she's not manipulative in any way that I can see.  She even wants to keep her job in case it doesn't work.  We are both protecting ourselves because we know a lot can happen.  I'm structuring a prenup.  Nobody wants to think of these things, but this is 2021 and people you think you can trust betray that trust.  I hope we get to a point where I don't worry about "what if" this or that happens and she turns into someone I don't recognize or fools me.  I just know she's shown me who she is, including the not so good parts and so I'm not going in blind.  But I'm also learning how to say things in a more thoughtful way.  We're both learning how to navigate the cultural and communication differences.  I see her as someone with integrity and not a user.  She's extremely independent and doesn't need a man, she wants one.  Thats what I see.  But I also see her feminine side and a woman who wants to be with someone who brings that out in her.  She's had to be the mother an father and provider for a decade for her son, so now she won't be doing it alone.  

I assume you're still married because of the child.  I'm sure its lonely and I hope you can find a solution.  I'll do what I can with the advice here.  My problem is that I don't trust my own judgment anymore, and that certainly is playing into my back and forth on my relationship.

My husband isn’t manipulative in a way to be deceitful. He only ever tries to create a better situation, but sometimes I become a causality of his practicality. We are still married but are trying to negotiate a way through ending our marriage, which is hard during a pandemic and also means separating him and our son by having to move to the other side of the world, which is heartbreaking for everyone. This could be your future unless you are very very solid in the relationship, and you aren’t. You don’t trust your own judgment right now, which is not a position to be sitting in when making serious life decisions. If she is the one for you then marriage will still be an option in 1,2,3+ years. Why rush into it now? She should come in to the US on her own merit as you also said the political climate is good for her in that way right now and with her skill set. Slow things down a bit. 

[maritalbliss86]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

My husband and I also get along great in many ways. We laugh together, enjoy spending time together, share so many significant core values; however, our ways of communicating during difficult situations is vastly different, as are our perceptions of those situations, which often leads to feeling invalidated and misunderstood. This can occur in relationships between people of the same cultural and linguistic background, but add in different countries and languages and it can be very hard to navigate. I’

LB, I remember your story from another post... I do think if you both give it time, love and understanding can grow.  People in arranged marriages have love grow fairly regularly, not that yours was arranged, I just mean there is always the possibility you can work it out if both partners are willing to try.

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, Atlguy said:

This is laughable.  You must not be in the dating scene or out of it for a very long time.  50 states means nothing.  If you live more than 10 miles from a single woman, she isn't going to pursue a relationship.  California is a great example.  LA is so huge that singles think a 30 mile drive isn't worth the effort.  I don't have that mentality, but the women I met in Dallas for example, thought like this.  Sure, there's 330 million people in the U.S.  How many are single women within a certain radius who are a match for me? Not many.

I Pursued her because of common values, family oriented, and obviously there's attraction.  Is she the most beautiful woman I've ever been with? I will probably say yes as our relationship strengthens because its the whole package thats important.  It's subjective, but we have a ton of chemistry.  I'm not a fool and I know that alone is nowhere near enough.  We get along well when we're together and the issues we have had we've talked through.  We're learning how to resolve disagreements, which to me is so important.  We both still need to work on it, but the key is we are working on it.

Why is it laughable? You are in the US. I'm in Australia. Here we have only 21 million people in the whole actual country. Australia population wise is a very small country. Actually I am very much in the dating scene and I will agree with you that it's not going well. However I won't comment fully yet because I've only really been single for 1.5 years and I haven't been dating constantly which was due to the COVID pandemic lockdown that lasted nearly a year. I have been going on quite a few dates pre lockdown and since as well, which has been since last November. During lockdown I actually was still doing virtual dates, like video calling and watching movies virtually. 

I'm an attractive woman but I'm overweight and have some acne. I'm not massive, but quite chubby I guess you might say. I'm 14 kg overweight (about 28 pounds). Anyway, despite that I have had people interested in me and some did want kids. There was one 48-49- year-old man who was actually really desperate to have kids and thought he'd missed the boat and every single date (only had 3 dates) kept going on about having kids. He seemed extremely infatuated with me and pushing for a serious relationship. I wasn't sure if a lot of that was desperation, but regardless I didn't really feel much for him, so had to end it.

I totally agree with you that dating is very hard. I have realised that it does get much harder as you get older because most people are already married or are divorced and have kids of their own. I understand also that as a woman I have an option of using a sperm donor to still have a child on my own. I understand that men don't have that choice and can see themselves in that position, like you and that man I briefly dated. He even said he wanted to adopt or use a surrogate mother, but he wasn't being approved for anything due to just being a single man, not part of a couple. We don't reallu have surrogacy in Australia anyway because it's illegal to get paid for it, so nobody wants to do it.

Anyway yeah I know it's hard, but still I have to disagree that it's impossible. I'm not sure how hard you actually tried to find women in your own country before looking overseas. I think if you want to go ahead with this relationship, by all means you should because it's your life and your decision. My only comments against it is not that this woman is from the Ukraine specifically, but that you haven't really been in a real relationship with her. Seeing her in person for only three weeks is a very short time. I was just thinking that as you mentioned your age and that you really wanted a family really soon, doing all this may end up being a waste of time. You've already spent 1.5 years communicating with this woman, but you haven't even been in an in person relationship. I'm surprised to hear that you say you love her when you've mostly only seen her on a computer screen. 

I think as much as you like to think you both love each other and so on, at least in the beginning it is a transactional relationship. You found a woman overseas because you can't find one in your own country. And she wanted to find a man in the West who will also accept that she has a son. That's not to say that there is no chance for the two of you to actually grow to love each other. All I'm saying is it is an arranged marriage of sorts. You didn't just meet in everyday life and happened to fall for each other. You both deliberately looked for someone based on your circumstances and you found someone you think matches, but in reality you don't 100% know yet. You've spent only a short time actually together in person. So there is a lot of reasons to be very careful. 

I was only saying everything I said because you mentioned you got hurt and screwed over in your previous marriage. Then you didn't find anyone serious for 12 years and now you're 52. Time is getting away so I think you need to think about whether you're spending the time on the right person.

Me personally, I already made the decision that if very soon I don't find a genuine loving relationship, I'm going to have a baby with a male friend of mine who also wants a baby. The back up plan was to use an IVF donor. I really want to get married but I won't marry anybody just out of desperation. I totally understand we are in a different position though because I'm a woman. If I had a child ony own I could still have a family, that child would be my family.

[Hollyj]

6 hours ago, Atlguy said:

This is laughable.  You must not be in the dating scene or out of it for a very long time.  50 states means nothing.  If you live more than 10 miles from a single woman, she isn't going to pursue a relationship.  California is a great example.  LA is so huge that singles think a 30 mile drive isn't worth the effort.  I don't have that mentality, but the women I met in Dallas for example, thought like this.  Sure, there's 330 million people in the U.S.  How many are single women within a certain radius who are a match for me? Not many.

I Pursued her because of common values, family oriented, and obviously there's attraction.  Is she the most beautiful woman I've ever been with? I will probably say yes as our relationship strengthens because its the whole package thats important.  It's subjective, but we have a ton of chemistry.  I'm not a fool and I know that alone is nowhere near enough.  We get along well when we're together and the issues we have had we've talked through.  We're learning how to resolve disagreements, which to me is so important.  We both still need to work on it, but the key is we are working on it.

Hmmm.   I live in the Tri-state area and date beyond my immediate area.   I have read on this site  many cases of people not dating within their immediate area-yes, 10 miles and beyond.  I think you are misstating facts.

[LotusBlack]

6 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

LB, I remember your story from another post... I do think if you both give it time, love and understanding can grow.  People in arranged marriages have love grow fairly regularly, not that yours was arranged, I just mean there is always the possibility you can work it out if both partners are willing to try.

Thank you, MB. We have a plan to separate in place that we have agreed to fall back on/carry through with; however, he is returning to Japan for a month in a few days, so we are going to use the time apart to reset ourselves and will reassess when he returns. I also just got got offered a job after over 6 months of looking, so we will see how that helps to balance out our financial contributions, which had be a source of great distress for us both and which had been at the center of a number of disagreements.

[dias]

9 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

And to the OP of this thread, just because she owns her own property and has a good job/income doesn’t mean she doesn’t have ulterior motives - my father’s story case and point.

This is true, opportunists are opportunists no matter how much money they have already. I know people like that. I guess you could say it's good survival instinct, it could be considered an advantage in many occasions. 

9 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

his lawyer found that she’d been trying to stay under the radar with a number of questionable business dealings that implicated her both in China and Australia

a good con artist because she managed to stay in character for 5 solid years, pretending to love my father.

Well, I didn't have characters from James Bond movies on my mind when I wrote that lol. Now I am intrigued, I would like to meet her myself hahahaha

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

It's a relationship of convenience. She expects US citizenship and you expect a wife.

 

[Jibralta]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a relationship of convenience. She expects US citizenship and you expect a wife.

Yes, there is a transactional nature to it. Which is fine. Love can grow. But it's folly to deny the transactional characteristics. If you don't manage your expectations according to the facts of the matter, you're just setting yourself up for (more) failure and disappointment.

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Hmmm.   I live in the Tri-state area and date beyond my immediate area.   I have read on this site  many cases of people not dating within their immediate area-yes, 10 miles and beyond.

Yes, people do this all the time. Tons of people. They even have reality TV programs about it.

[Atlguy]

12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Why is it laughable? You are in the US. I'm in Australia. Here we have only 21 million people in the whole actual country. Australia population wise is a very small country. Actually I am very much in the dating scene and I will agree with you that it's not going well. However I won't comment fully yet because I've only really been single for 1.5 years and I haven't been dating constantly which was due to the COVID pandemic lockdown that lasted nearly a year. I have been going on quite a few dates pre lockdown and since as well, which has been since last November. During lockdown I actually was still doing virtual dates, like video calling and watching movies virtually. 

I'm an attractive woman but I'm overweight and have some acne. I'm not massive, but quite chubby I guess you might say. I'm 14 kg overweight (about 28 pounds). Anyway, despite that I have had people interested in me and some did want kids. There was one 48-49- year-old man who was actually really desperate to have kids and thought he'd missed the boat and every single date (only had 3 dates) kept going on about having kids. He seemed extremely infatuated with me and pushing for a serious relationship. I wasn't sure if a lot of that was desperation, but regardless I didn't really feel much for him, so had to end it.

I totally agree with you that dating is very hard. I have realised that it does get much harder as you get older because most people are already married or are divorced and have kids of their own. I understand also that as a woman I have an option of using a sperm donor to still have a child on my own. I understand that men don't have that choice and can see themselves in that position, like you and that man I briefly dated. He even said he wanted to adopt or use a surrogate mother, but he wasn't being approved for anything due to just being a single man, not part of a couple. We don't reallu have surrogacy in Australia anyway because it's illegal to get paid for it, so nobody wants to do it.

Anyway yeah I know it's hard, but still I have to disagree that it's impossible. I'm not sure how hard you actually tried to find women in your own country before looking overseas. I think if you want to go ahead with this relationship, by all means you should because it's your life and your decision. My only comments against it is not that this woman is from the Ukraine specifically, but that you haven't really been in a real relationship with her. Seeing her in person for only three weeks is a very short time. I was just thinking that as you mentioned your age and that you really wanted a family really soon, doing all this may end up being a waste of time. You've already spent 1.5 years communicating with this woman, but you haven't even been in an in person relationship. I'm surprised to hear that you say you love her when you've mostly only seen her on a computer screen. 

I think as much as you like to think you both love each other and so on, at least in the beginning it is a transactional relationship. You found a woman overseas because you can't find one in your own country. And she wanted to find a man in the West who will also accept that she has a son. That's not to say that there is no chance for the two of you to actually grow to love each other. All I'm saying is it is an arranged marriage of sorts. You didn't just meet in everyday life and happened to fall for each other. You both deliberately looked for someone based on your circumstances and you found someone you think matches, but in reality you don't 100% know yet. You've spent only a short time actually together in person. So there is a lot of reasons to be very careful. 

I was only saying everything I said because you mentioned you got hurt and screwed over in your previous marriage. Then you didn't find anyone serious for 12 years and now you're 52. Time is getting away so I think you need to think about whether you're spending the time on the right person.

Me personally, I already made the decision that if very soon I don't find a genuine loving relationship, I'm going to have a baby with a male friend of mine who also wants a baby. The back up plan was to use an IVF donor. I really want to get married but I won't marry anybody just out of desperation. I totally understand we are in a different position though because I'm a woman. If I had a child ony own I could still have a family, that child would be my family.

Thank you for your thoughtful post.  You make a good point that it is somewhat of a transactional relationship because we haven't spent enough time together.  I have been in 2 1 year relationships since living here (3-4 since my divorce depending on what you consider a relationship) and had several flings.  Just no quality women to marry and I had to do something different.  I don't want to live my life having the occasional fling and nothing more.  I'm sick of it.  Its not my style.  I guess in a way this is similar to an arranged marriage or married at first sight or whatever.   But I knew my ex-wife 3.5 years before getting married and look how that turned out. I know how it looks, desperate and I guess I sort of am.  Looking at me you'd never think it.  I have a lot going for me, but I'm up against a wall now.  That said, I am willing to walk away because it would be worse to be in a bad marriage.  Time will tell.

[maritalbliss86]

18 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

Truly a far cry from the impression you gave us initially. Why did you even bother posting if all you’re going to do is rebut every piece of advice that doesn’t gel with your desired outcome?

In my opinion, from reading ENA off and on for a long long time, a lot of people do this.  They are distressed by something, get advice they don't like, reject it, and then it happens again a few more times until they open their eyes.

He may not be in that position, he may really know more than us about his own situation, though.  But in general, people do not like taking advice they don't want to hear.  They close themselves off to it, retell the story in a different light to make look not as bad. 

[MissCanuck]

OP, maybe I missed it somewhere in the thread, but have you had the opportunity to visit her at her home in Ukraine?