Please help me, feel so lost.

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

my feeling is he’s laying low for now and trying to figure out how to tell her without losing her

So thier affair is still going on? You don't know?

Do you know her contact info?

Why can't you contact her and state: this is xyz's wife. We are still together and have two children age x and y.

It's horrible you're putting up with the affair and not doing anything about it. 

Your husband doesn't even know you know about it, does he? Because you're too afraid to confront this.

Do you work? How old is the newest child?

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

29 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, definitely. 

I think I’m going to go and reflect on everyone’s answers (thank you by the way but just one more thing) would you say that even if they aren’t currently speaking (and to be honest I don’t think they are because he’s here with me and he would need to tell her about our new baby) also my husband buries his head in the sand about everything, he will be terrified to tell her...but would you say by keeping that door open to her, he will get in contact again? If he wasn’t planning on doing so he’d get her off his phone as it’s dangerous having her there? Also I still believe she is still in his life because that number is the link to her

[MissCanuck]

Just now, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

but would you say by keeping that door open to her, he will get in contact again? 

Well, yes, but we've already answered that. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

 would you say by keeping that door open to her, he will get in contact again? 

The affair is not over. You know that. You know that having a child is fine, but it certainly won't improve your marriage or stop this or any other affair.

You know that the affair is still going on.

What kind of marriage is this that you have to play guessing games, ask the same question 200x and can't even talk to your own husband?

Do you have postpartum depression? Have you seen a physician? 

You are clearly in distress about your husband's affairs but unwilling to do anything productive about it.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Being afraid of others' reactions suggests that you know you're going to hear what you don't want to hear, which is that your marriage is over in all but name. 

ReallyNeedAdvice0, what is it that you are fighting for in this relationship? What are you trying to win?

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

19 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

ReallyNeedAdvice0, what is it that you are fighting for in this relationship? What are you trying to win?

I think for right now I’m trying to figure out why he has her number. I know he will be burying his head in the sand because what he is like and when he does this he goes silent with people. 

He’s obviously scared of telling her, so why won’t he just delete her number then he’d never have to tell her (sorry I’m just trying to get my feelings out)

[Jibralta]

1 minute ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I think for right now I’m trying to figure out why he has her number.

No, I mean what are you fighting for in this relationship?

You're not in this relationship to debate about a phone number.

What is your end goal?

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I think for right now I’m trying to figure out why he has her number. 

He’s obviously scared of telling her, so why won’t he just delete her number then he’d never have to tell her (sorry I’m just trying to get my feelings out)

He is still having the affair, despite the new child. You know this. However you are hoping that if he tells her (she most likely already knows) that the affair will end. It won't. 

He's not burying his head in the sand. He's not afraid of her. 

Focus on the poor state of your marriage not guessing whether she knows and whether they are still in touch. You are excessively focused on one miniscule piece of digital data and playing 100 guessing games with it.

Ask him or text her. Most importantly get a lawyer. You may want to divorce him...before he blindsides you with divorce papers.

This mistress doesn't care that he's married. She doesn't care that he has kids. You know that.

He is most likely telling her it's only a matter of time before he divorces you, he just needs to worry about this or that for now. He is also telling her how horrible you are how he loves her and soon they will run away together.

 Cheating creeps always tell mistresses this rubbish. Either way, neither of you are happily married and there is zero trust. What is your goal here?

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He is still having the affair, despite the new child. You know this. However you are hoping that if he tells her (she most likely already knows) that the affair will end. It won't. 

He's not burying his head in the sand. He's not afraid of her. 

Focus on the poor state of your marriage not guessing whether she knows and whether they are still in touch. You are excessively focused on one miniscule piece of digital data and playing 100 guessing games with it.

Ask him or text her. Most importantly get a lawyer. You may want to divorce him...before he blindsides you with divorce papers.

This mistress doesn't care that he's married. She doesn't care that he has kids. You know that.

He is most likely telling her it's only a matter of time before he divorces you, he just needs to worry about this or that for now. He is also telling her how horrible you are how he loves her and soon they will run away together.

 Cheating creeps always tell mistresses this rubbish. Either way, neither of you are happily married and there is zero trust. What is your goal here?

Okay. Coming at it from a slightly different angle - if it was over between them would he keep her number?

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Okay. Coming at it from a slightly different angle - if it was over between them would he keep her number?

Same angle. Same question. same answer. Please talk to an attorney.

[gamon]

Look at the big picture. This isn't about her phone number on his phone.

It's about power and control, and he's got ALL of it.

Should be the other way around.

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Same angle. Same question. same answer. Please talk to an attorney.

I know you feel like I’m focusing on a number. But that number isn’t a number to me, it’s her. I know that might sound stupid. 
mom justbasking if it was over between them there wouldn’t be any need for him to have it 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Cassandra", you need to read these. Pay particular attention to items #1 and #2

https://www.enotalone.com/guidelines/

Thank you Wiseman2

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I know you feel like I’m focusing on a number. But that number isn’t a number to me, it’s her. I know that might sound stupid. 
mom justbasking if it was over between them there wouldn’t be any need for him to have it 

You keep asking the same question. You word it differently, but it's the same question. 

You're going to keep getting the same responses. 

[boltnrun]

How would she even know he deleted her number? It's not like she'd get some kind of notification saying "Affair Man deleted your number!" So it's not her "feelings" that are motivating him.

He has her number in his phone to use it. Now or in the future.

I can't imagine the stress and fear you're living with. It's time to think about what you can do to change this situation. I'd look into counseling and consulting an attorney to find out your rights and options.

[Jibralta]

24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You keep asking the same question. You word it differently, but it's the same question. 

You're going to keep getting the same responses. 

Yes.

Meanwhile, you continue to avoid this question:

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

what is it that you are fighting for in this relationship? What are you trying to win?

You're running yourself around in circles, obsessing over this question that you have an answer for. Meanwhile, you're ignoring the more important question.

Why?

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How would she even know he deleted her number? It's not like she'd get some kind of notification saying "Affair Man deleted your number!" So it's not her "feelings" that are motivating him.

He has her number in his phone to use it. Now or in the future.

I can't imagine the stress and fear you're living with. It's time to think about what you can do to change this situation. I'd look into counseling and consulting an attorney to find out your rights and options.

Hi, it’s on WhatsApp so you can tell when you’ve been deleted/blocked 

[DancingFool]

20 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Hi, it’s on WhatsApp so you can tell when you’ve been deleted/blocked 

So what? He doesn't delete her because he doesn't want to. He doesn't care what you think or feel about that.

There is a book called "Leave a Cheater Gain a Life" - get it and read it and leave him.

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Hi, it’s on WhatsApp so you can tell when you’ve been deleted/blocked 

So whose feelings do you think are more important to him? Yours? Or hers?

Why does he even need WhatsApp? Think about that. 

And finally, are you trying to justify staying in this marriage in your own mind? Do you want someone to tell you he has her number saved because he just forgot about it or he's avoiding some kind of conflict because he just hates conflict of any kind? And that your marriage is fine and dandy and you have nothing to worry about?

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So whose feelings do you think are more important to him? Yours? Or hers?

Why does he even need WhatsApp? Think about that. 

And finally, are you trying to justify staying in this marriage in your own mind? Do you want someone to tell you he has her number saved because he just forgot about it or he's avoiding some kind of conflict because he just hates conflict of any kind? And that your marriage is fine and dandy and you have nothing to worry about?

He has always had WhatsApp, even before her. No I knew coming on here I’d get honest answers and I also know I must be coming across as frustrating speaking about her number. To me though, it’s not a few digits in a phone, it’s actually a solid link to her whether they are speaking right now or not. Am I being stupid when I say surely it would make his life easier to delete her? That’s what I can’t get my head around? 

[boltnrun]

Just now, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

He has always had WhatsApp, even before her. No I knew coming on here I’d get honest answers and I also know I must be coming across as frustrating speaking about her number. To me though, it’s not a few digits in a phone, it’s actually a solid link to her whether they are speaking right now or not. Am I being stupid when I say surely it would make his life easier to delete her? That’s what I can’t get my head around? 

He hasn't deleted her because for whatever reason he doesn't want to.

Are you afraid to ask him?

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

He has always had WhatsApp, even before her. No I knew coming on here I’d get honest answers and I also know I must be coming across as frustrating speaking about her number. To me though, it’s not a few digits in a phone, it’s actually a solid link to her whether they are speaking right now or not. Am I being stupid when I say surely it would make his life easier to delete her? That’s what I can’t get my head around? 

It's not about WhatsApp. Plenty of people all over the world have Whatsapp for international calls and texts free over wifi.

It's about cheating. It's about you're unsure it's over. However numbers on any sort of messaging apps mean nothing. He can communicate with her in so many other ways.

Have you talked about the cheating? Did he promise to end it?

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not about WhatsApp. Plenty of people all over the world have Whatsapp for international calls and texts free over wifi.

It's about cheating. It's about you're unsure it's over. However numbers on any sort of messaging apps mean nothing. He can communicate with her in so many other ways.

Have you talked about the cheating? Did he promise to end it?

But this is the thing and please correct me if I’m wrong here:

 

if it had ended, he’d no longer have her number because there’s no need for it to be in his phone 

 

 

[Jibralta]

43 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Am I being stupid when I say surely it would make his life easier to delete her?

Not stupid, but naïve. It would make your life easier, not his. 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

16 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Not stupid, but naïve. It would make your life easier, not his. 

Yes would definately make mine easier - I know the question I’m asking sounds basic but I can’t think for myself right now (which I guess is why I’m trying to take this a little at a time) but would you say if it was actually over between them he’d delete her?