Please help me, feel so lost.

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I agree with what you’re saying but do you even think he wanted to delete her in the first place? She was obviously easily re entered when he could have just stood his ground and said look it’s done 

Look, I will try to be kind here. But you're wasting time (yours and ours) by endlessly repeating the same question over and over and over. It's been answered at least a dozen times. To ask it again is bordering on disrespectful.

What are you going to do about your cheating, lying husband? You obviously have family support which is terrific.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

He said he had deleted it but then she got upset so he put it back in his phone 

Brilliant!. he never deleted it, then had you get mad at her (instead of him)for "getting upset". He never deleted it, why didn't you just say so?

[Hollyj]

Either we are being played, or she has no intention of listening.   

[boltnrun]

Just now, Hollyj said:

Either we are being played, or she has no intention of listening.   

I don't think we're being played. I think the OP wants a very specific answer and hasn't gotten it.

No one is going to say he just has his head in the sand or is just such a super duper nice guy who hates hurting anyone's feelings and gosh, he can't delete her because he's such a terrific guy!  Because no one believes that.

OP, I presume you want very badly to stay in your marriage and to believe he isn't going to cheat and lie anymore. Bit the fact that he keeps his mistress's contact info handy proves he's not the wonderful, faithful husband you wish him to be.

Please don't ask again about the number. The real question is, what are you going to do?

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

40 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I give up. Six pages on and you haven't listened to a word.  You keep on repeating the same thing, over and over.

Bye 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

21 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Either we are being played, or she has no intention of listening.   

Unbelievably rude and hurtful comment. 

[DancingFool]

20 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Either we are being played, or she has no intention of listening.   

I don't think so. It's not easy to find out that your husband is still carrying on with another woman. Also, not everyone reacts the same way or deals with things in the same manner. If she needs reaffirmation 50 more times that she is thinking correctly, so be it. That's really what we are here for.

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't think we're being played. I think the OP wants a very specific answer and hasn't gotten it.

No one is going to say he just has his head in the sand or is just such a super duper nice guy who hates hurting anyone's feelings and gosh, he can't delete her because he's such a terrific guy!  Because no one believes that.

OP, I presume you want very badly to stay in your marriage and to believe he isn't going to cheat and lie anymore. Bit the fact that he keeps his mistress's contact info handy proves he's not the wonderful, faithful husband you wish him to be.

Please don't ask again about the number. The real question is, what are you going to do?

I’m going to leave this page, because some of the comments here have been disgusting. 
 

thank you to those who have said some hard things for me to hear, but have said it in a nice way( inc you boltnrun) 

As for the rest of you, I hope when you need help, people aren’t unkind to you the way you were. 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

Just now, DancingFool said:

I don't think so. It's not easy to find out that your husband is still carrying on with another woman. Also, not everyone reacts the same way or deals with things in the same manner. If she needs reaffirmation 50 more times that she is thinking correctly, so be it. That's really what we are here for.

Thank you for being kind. 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

24 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Either we are being played, or she has no intention of listening.   

Actually disgusting. 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Brilliant!. he never deleted it, then had you get mad at her (instead of him)for "getting upset". He never deleted it, why didn't you just say so?

He did delete it. But she got upset at him for deleting her so he re entered her number. 

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Unbelievably rude and hurtful comment. 

It's not being rude. You are not ready to accept what is and has happened. Now it's either you want to stay a doormat, which you are being right now. Or put up a fight. Rolling over, and just swallowing his bullsh*t isn't going to fix your marriage.  It takes two people to make a marriage work. And right now, one of them was porking someone else.

I'm not saying divorce him, but I'm saying to watch your as* because he does not have your best interests in mind. Be prepared, because this sh*tshow is not over yet.

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Thank you for being kind. 

Please check out chumplady.com blog - it may help you more to see what you are dealing with and get more support on how to leave if/when you are ready.

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

He did delete it. But she got upset at him for deleting her so he re entered her number. 

How did she manage to get upset unless they are continuing to talk? What's the point of him reentering her number unless it's to continue to talk. I don't actually believe he ever really deleted her to be honest. I think he is lying to you and always has.

[Hollyj]

42 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I don't think so. It's not easy to find out that your husband is still carrying on with another woman. Also, not everyone reacts the same way or deals with things in the same manner. If she needs reaffirmation 50 more times that she is thinking correctly, so be it. That's really what we are here for.

I hope the message is eventually heard.  

[Hollyj]

45 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Unbelievably rude and hurtful comment. 

But, you are not listening.  You are asking the same question repeatedly.  How do you want us to answer?

If this was your bf friend or sibling how would you advise them?  Did you tell your family and friends about the cheating?     

[WMTH1234]

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you're going through this and you seem to be in shock - rumination on small details is sometimes the only way the brain can handle vast emotional distress, which I'm sure you're experiencing.

I don't know you or your marriage, so I am not going to make the hasty judgment that you have to immediately leave, or get divorced, or that this is unsalvageable. However, he is still your husband and you are still in a relationship with him - he is the only person who can answer your questions and the only person you will get a satisfactory answer from. Unfortunately, it seems that there is substantial distrust between the two. You very reasonably distrust him because he cheated on you and appears to be continuing to lie on you. He likely distrusts you because he feels manipulated and threatened.

Regardless of how you choose to approach this (it is your life and your decision - don't let internet strangers bully you into what to do), remember that you will continue to be anxious and miserable as long as you distrust your husband. Find your own answer on how to solve this problem. However, if you don't solve it, you will continue to be miserable.

Something that absolutely will not solve this problem is ignoring it and hoping it just goes away. At minimum, you need to confront him about what's going on, how it makes it feel, what his feelings are, and what your plans are as a couple going forward to deal with this issue.

I'm sure you are in tremendous pain, and this will take lots of strength and courage to move forward. I know you have it in you, and you will be stronger and better for the experience whatever happens.

[DancingFool]

Talking to a cheater about your feelings is pointless. It's not that he doesn't know that cheating on his wife and his family is going to hurt them or even destroy his marriage, it's that he doesn't care. The more you talk, the more you just expose yourself to more lies and gaslighting. OP is already dealing with and trying to process exactly that.

Ultimately, she has to decide for herself if this is acceptable to her or not and act accordingly. If cheating is acceptable, then she'll have to learn to turn a blind eye to who he is screwing and cover herself financially for when eventually he may run off with one of them permanently. If it's not acceptable, then she will need to leave him. There is no happy middle ground where he will change his personality and become a decent human being. He is who he is and he is a proven cheater - is this acceptable?

[WMTH1234]

She has to decide, with her husband, if they think they can work on things and if he can/wants to change. If he can't, or doesn't want to, or if she doesn't trust his answer, she then has decide what she'll do about it. Even if they talk about it to work things out, she has to decide whether she can believe his commitment to changing or whether nothing he can do will ever repair the trust.

You're not an arbiter of a person's character (especially a stranger you don't know). You can hold the belief that people never feel guilt, never change, never improve, and are defined by one mistake or bad act. That is your right. You can choose to interact with others based on that viewpoint. But that does not mean that is the correct view or that everyone else also has to hold that view.

[MissCanuck]

Serious question here - Are you normally prone to obssessive thoughts, OP?

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

26 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Serious question here - Are you normally prone to obssessive thoughts, OP?

I suffer from anxiety. 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

But, you are not listening.  You are asking the same question repeatedly.  How do you want us to answer?

If this was your bf friend or sibling how would you advise them?  Did you tell your family and friends about the cheating?     

Thought you were leaving, you are so rude. 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

55 minutes ago, WMTH1234 said:

She has to decide, with her husband, if they think they can work on things and if he can/wants to change. If he can't, or doesn't want to, or if she doesn't trust his answer, she then has decide what she'll do about it. Even if they talk about it to work things out, she has to decide whether she can believe his commitment to changing or whether nothing he can do will ever repair the trust.

You're not an arbiter of a person's character (especially a stranger you don't know). You can hold the belief that people never feel guilt, never change, never improve, and are defined by one mistake or bad act. That is your right. You can choose to interact with others based on that viewpoint. But that does not mean that is the correct view or that everyone else also has to hold that view.

Thank you 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

Talking to a cheater about your feelings is pointless. It's not that he doesn't know that cheating on his wife and his family is going to hurt them or even destroy his marriage, it's that he doesn't care. The more you talk, the more you just expose yourself to more lies and gaslighting. OP is already dealing with and trying to process exactly that.

Ultimately, she has to decide for herself if this is acceptable to her or not and act accordingly. If cheating is acceptable, then she'll have to learn to turn a blind eye to who he is screwing and cover herself financially for when eventually he may run off with one of them permanently. If it's not acceptable, then she will need to leave him. There is no happy middle ground where he will change his personality and become a decent human being. He is who he is and he is a proven cheater - is this acceptable?

Yep, a lot to think about. 

[ReallyNeedAdvice0]

1 hour ago, WMTH1234 said:

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you're going through this and you seem to be in shock - rumination on small details is sometimes the only way the brain can handle vast emotional distress, which I'm sure you're experiencing.

I don't know you or your marriage, so I am not going to make the hasty judgment that you have to immediately leave, or get divorced, or that this is unsalvageable. However, he is still your husband and you are still in a relationship with him - he is the only person who can answer your questions and the only person you will get a satisfactory answer from. Unfortunately, it seems that there is substantial distrust between the two. You very reasonably distrust him because he cheated on you and appears to be continuing to lie on you. He likely distrusts you because he feels manipulated and threatened.

Regardless of how you choose to approach this (it is your life and your decision - don't let internet strangers bully you into what to do), remember that you will continue to be anxious and miserable as long as you distrust your husband. Find your own answer on how to solve this problem. However, if you don't solve it, you will continue to be miserable.

Something that absolutely will not solve this problem is ignoring it and hoping it just goes away. At minimum, you need to confront him about what's going on, how it makes it feel, what his feelings are, and what your plans are as a couple going forward to deal with this issue.

I'm sure you are in tremendous pain, and this will take lots of strength and courage to move forward. I know you have it in you, and you will be stronger and better for the experience whatever happens.

Thank you for your kindness.