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Please help me, feel so lost.


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Maybe the bigger question is.. do you want to be wondering about this the rest of your life? If he deletes her off his phone.. well.......... what about the next woman down on the list? Is he also che

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this and you seem to be in shock - rumination on small details is sometimes the only way the brain can handle vast emotional distress, which I'm sure you'

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It's misogynistic. Your husband has made terrible, destructive choices. Yet you defer to his demonstrably awful judgment, in fear of a woman's 'temper tantrum.' Is she some kind of violent offender? Or is the poor thing too weak to handle emotions?

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10 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I’m sorry everyone I’m getting really upset. I’m Swiss so I’m sorry if my language is coming out funny. All I’m trying to get my head round is:

 

if he is only keeping her number because she’s upset RATHER THAN him WANTING OR NEEDING her there, or would it be deleted anyway regardless of her feelings 

I'm sorry that you are getting upset. Your English is very good. I think that everyone understands the point you are making. The concern is that you don't seem to appreciate its implications.

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sorry that you are getting upset. Your English is very good. I think that everyone understands the point you are making. The concern is that you don't seem to appreciate its implications.

No, I’m just trying to take small steps at a time to understand. It’s just how my brain works. I break things down bit by bit. Correct me if I’m wrong and I am thankful for your help even if it doesn’t seem like it I really am - if he was just keeping her there only because she was upset and not because he had a want or need for her, that wouldn’t make any sense would it because if he wanted to make it work with me he’d delete her not just keep her there, his reasoning for keeping her there must go beyond ‘because she was upset’ 

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On 4/5/2021 at 3:32 PM, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

 

If you cheated on your wife/gf/partner and it was over, would you keep the contact details in your phone of the person you cheated with?

If yes, why?

My husband cheated on me and I’ve just discovered that he kept her number. 
 

 

Oh dear. There is no reason for him to keep her number. I have much experience in this as I have been through this more than once with more than one man. I am hear to talk if you want you can message me. Out of respect for you her number shouldn't exist in his phone if he is truly DONE with her. So sorry. 

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Just now, Willowgirl55 said:

Oh dear. There is no reason for him to keep her number. I have much experience in this as I have been through this more than once with more than one man. I am hear to talk if you want you can message me. Out of respect for you her number shouldn't exist in his phone if he is truly DONE with her. So sorry. 

Thank you x

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Did you ask him why it's so important to him that she not get "upset" with him? 

Why is she still so very important to him? Ask him that question. 

Thanks boltnrun and sorry if I came across sharp, I’m just upset and it’s my language barrier also I think. 
 

to be honest when he said ‘she got upset’ I just left the room because it has to be more than that. If she was some sort of bunny boiler then that is what I believe the block button is for so the fact he has her whether they are speaking or not tells me a huge amount. Feel free to let me know your thoughts 

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54 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Thanks boltnrun and sorry if I came across sharp, I’m just upset and it’s my language barrier also I think. 
 

to be honest when he said ‘she got upset’ I just left the room because it has to be more than that. If she was some sort of bunny boiler then that is what I believe the block button is for so the fact he has her whether they are speaking or not tells me a huge amount. Feel free to let me know your thoughts 

So you're not even talking to him about it?

He's the one who cheated. He should be the one worrying about losing you and yet you seem to be worried about losing him.

What has he done to try to make up for his cheating and lies?  

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24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you're not even talking to him about it?

He's the one who cheated. He should be the one worrying about losing you and yet you seem to be worried about losing him.

What has he done to try to make up for his cheating and lies?  

I am I’m just trying to get my head straight first. I guess that’s why I came on here to hear what possible reasons he could have for keeping it 

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2 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I am I’m just trying to get my head straight first. I guess that’s why I came on here to hear what possible reasons he could have for keeping it 

What has he done to try to make up for his cheating and his lies?

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27 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Well the fact he hasn’t destroyed that link to her screams alot and I’m realising it more and more 

The fact that he cheated at all should be all the information you need about who he really is and what he is capable of. Cheating is really a form of abuse - mental, emotional, and physical. You didn't consent to trade bodily fluids and diseases with another woman, did you? No. He put your life and health in danger and didn't care. For all those times that he lied to you about where he is and what he is doing, for all the times that you knew something is off, but he made you feel like you are crazy and imagining things.....even now trying to police your marriage.... It's pure stress and madness and it will eventually make you crazy for real.

The fact is that you cannot stop him from being a cheater. I know it's devastating to learn that the person you love and made a huge life commitment to and had children with is a selfish creep, but you must find the strength to get away. If not for yourself, then for your children.

Ultimately, it's not on you to police your marriage and keep an eye on him. It's on him to do whatever it takes to heal the marriage and prove to you that he wants to and will be loyal to you - that only comes through actions. Keeping her number because she got upset??? That's an action that tells you that he doesn't intend to change his ways no matter what promises he made to you. Words are just words. Look at what he is doing. If he only "behaves" while you are watching him.....he isn't really behaving.

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There are other ways for him to hide things from you. That you found her contact with her actual name on his phone is quite dumb of him considering he cheated on you with her. You may interpret this as some sliver of hope but I really don't think he cares nor respects you. He could just as easily have hidden her number behind a man's name or have a second phone you don't know about. What you do know is that the cheating happened. You're in a lot of pain and turmoil. What I was suggesting earlier is that this is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg, the snowflake on a mountain.

Your two children depend on you to make choices that support your mental health because without you, they have a father like this and a mother who is hurt and broken. I'm sorry this is happening again. Keep writing if it helps here especially if you need a space to think things through. 

Reconciliation only works of both parties are invested.

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

There are other ways for him to hide things from you. That you found her contact with her actual name on his phone is quite dumb of him considering he cheated on you with her. You may interpret this as some sliver of hope but I really don't think he cares nor respects you. He could just as easily have hidden her number behind a man's name or have a second phone you don't know about. What you do know is that the cheating happened. You're in a lot of pain and turmoil. What I was suggesting earlier is that this is just the tiniest tip of the iceberg, the snowflake on a mountain.

Your two children depend on you to make choices that support your mental health because without you, they have a father like this and a mother who is hurt and broken. I'm sorry this is happening again. Keep writing if it helps here especially if you need a space to think things through. 

Reconciliation only works of both parties are invested.

It was under a mans name. That’s how I found out it was her because her photo was next to it. Dumb huh!

i am in turmoil and that’s why I am focusing on the number..I get some people on here don’t understand why but it’s because it’s a direct link to her. Him keeping it because she was upset..I don’t get. There must be more to it ie feelings attached. Also, one way to make her go forever if he actually wanted her gone would he to tell her we’ve had another baby so the fact he hasn’t says so much 

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51 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Well the fact he hasn’t destroyed that link to her screams alot and I’m realising it more and more 

That isn't an answer to my question.

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What has he done to try to make up for his cheating and his lies?

 

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8 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

It was under a mans name. That’s how I found out it was her because her photo was next to it. Dumb huh!

i am in turmoil and that’s why I am focusing on the number..I get some people on here don’t understand why but it’s because it’s a direct link to her. Him keeping it because she was upset..I don’t get. There must be more to it ie feelings attached. Also, one way to make her go forever if he actually wanted her gone would he to tell her we’ve had another baby so the fact he hasn’t says so much 

It could be just a story that she was upset or she'd get upset. Her feelings shouldn't factor into the reconciliation if there is any reconciliation so his words are falling flat here and not making sense. You're taking in that story as a sliver of hope that maybe she's not a bunny boiler (your words earlier). 

Do you see that your standards have dropped so far below sea level though? If she's not a bunny boiler or felon or criminal at least this is okay. What she is or is not shouldn't factor in. 

Do you mind me asking what reconciling means to you?

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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It could be just a story that she was upset or she'd get upset. Her feelings shouldn't factor into the reconciliation if there is any reconciliation so his words are falling flat here and not making sense. You're taking in that story as a sliver of hope that maybe she's not a bunny boiler (your words earlier). 

Do you see that your standards have dropped so far below sea level though? If she's not a bunny boiler or felon or criminal at least this is okay. What she is or is not shouldn't factor in. 

Do you mind me asking what reconciling means to you?

I hoped she WAS a bunny boiler in a way..not that would excuse anythjng but then maybe I could understand then why he’s kept her there. 
 

Reconciling is keeping my family together. 

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