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Please help me, feel so lost.


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21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What is it you're not understanding about the previous replies?

You're repeating the same question over and over and over. 

Actually I asked if it was over would he have kept her number, that hasn’t been answered. No need to be rude, I’m in a lot of pain. 

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Just now, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Actually I asked if it was over would he have kept her number, that hasn’t been answered. No need to be rude, I’m in a lot of pain. 

Again, it's the same question, just with slightly different wording. As such, it has been answered. 

I am not being rude. I simply don't understand why you feel changing the wording is going to change the response you get here. 

At the end of the day, this specific question is not really even relevant in light of the serious problems in your marriage. Are you perhaps fixating on this because it's a way of avoiding finding out the hard truths from your husband? 

Why have you not communicated with him about this?

 

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No, if this were over, he would not keep her number.  He is hanging onto it because they are either still involved or at the minimum he wants the option to continue with her after the dust settles.

Regarding the second child, did this happen?  If not, I would forget it because this will not keep him in the marriage.  And it will be much harder to be a single parent with two kids than a single parent with one kid.  That said, I'm sure he will stay married to you as long as you want, and continue with his side fun should you choose to accept that.

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Why does anyone "keep" someone's contact information?  To contact that person, or to have the ability to contact that person.

We cannot tell you if the affair is "over" or not. I get that you really want one of us to say it's definitely over and that your husband just forgot to delete the number or something like that. But we can't know for sure. 

All I do know for sure is numbers are kept for the purpose of contact.

Have you asked him why he still has her number?  Or are you afraid of the answer?

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42 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Actually I asked if it was over would he have kept her number, that hasn’t been answered. No need to be rude, I’m in a lot of pain. 

He is keeping that number because either he is carrying on with her still and you just haven't stumbled onto that, or so he can pick up where he left off once the dust settles and life returns to normal post covid. Either way, he is keeping that number because he wants to at the very least keep the side piece as an option.

The other question is you're wondering if he is maybe afraid to delete because of consequences. What consequences? They don't work together and you already know about the affair. There are no consequences and anyway, cheating on your wife is not a crime, neither is schtupping someone you worked on a project with. Not even grounds for termination.

OP, when you catch a cheater, anything you learn is invariably just tip of the iceberg. Please save your sanity and get away from him. This isn't about you, it's about his fundamental lack of character and that will never change. He gets off on lying and sneaking around.

You are fixated on this number, on her....but it's not about her. She has no meaning to him. It's him, it's the thrill of duping you and lies. If it's not her, it will be someone else. You cannot police your marriage forever. 

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1 hour ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Actually I asked if it was over would he have kept her number, that hasn’t been answered. No need to be rude, I’m in a lot of pain. 

Maybe, maybe not. Could be over for the time being but if it was truly over the number would be gone. As most have said, at the very least he seems to be keeping the option open for future communication, at the most he is still in active contact. No way for us to know for sure, but it would be highly unlikely for him to keep the number if he was committed to the relationship with you. It should've been the first thing to go. Ask him about the number and gauge his response. 

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I'll make a deal with you. If you answer my question:

8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

what is it that you are fighting for in this relationship? What are you trying to win?

I'll answer your question:

2 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

would you say if it was actually over between them he’d delete her?

 

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57 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I’m not trying to ‘win’ anything. We have two very young children

That's the thing. If you were just a woman with a cheating husband, I'd say either leave him or turn a blind eye. The consequences are yours to bear and yours alone.

However, when you have children in the mix, it becomes critical that you do actually leave a toxic marriage with a cheater. You cannot raise children in a healthy way when daddy is running around with other women. This will damage them severely and permanently. It will actually preclude them from forming healthy relationships of their own in their future life. Please please please do not underestimate the damage this is going to do to the kids and don't kid yourself with the idea that you can hide this from them. You might be able to when they are really young, but the older they get, the more affected they become.

Even if you do an absolutely brilliant job of hiding, they can still sense the tension and the toxicity in the air and that will affect them badly for life. I just cannot emphasize enough the damage this causes so children.

Children are the very reason you should leave a cheater and create a safe space and be the sane parent for them. A cheating parent is never a safe or sane parent nor does a cheating parent provide the stability that children need. I'll just again urge you to check out the book "leave a cheater gain a life" because it will open your eyes to what you are dealing with and why you need to leave, not just for yourself, but especially for your kids as well.

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1 hour ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I’m not trying to ‘win’ anything. We have two very young children

Well, it's not much of an answer. But I'll keep my side:

4 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

would you say if it was actually over between them he’d delete her?

I'd say that if he cared about his relationship with you and your two small children, he'd delete her.

If I cheated on my boyfriend and got caught, if I was actually sorry that I cheated (and not just sorry I got caught), and if wanted to stay with my boyfriend and by some MIRACLE he GAVE ME the opportunity to do so, that contact information would be deleted off of my phone. I would make sure that there would be absolutely no chance that I could stray again. But I've never strayed in the first place, because I already make sure there's no opportunity for it.

 

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The reason her number is still in his phone is because she is still on his mind.  Otherwise it would be gone period.  History.  I wouldn't trust him either and be concerned.  I would tell him you saw her number there and ask him to delete it.  Women have to take charge of cheaters and make them feel guilty.  Get on to him, be on his case about it and say you are keeping an eye on him. 

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15 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Sorry, I meant scared of upsetting her. 
 

would you say that even if they aren’t speaking right now he knows he will eventually reach out and that’s why he’s kept it? 

That's exactly what I'd be thinking.

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9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Have you asked him why he still has her number?

He said she got ‘upset’ when he deleted her but then I thought he deleted her anyway because he shouldn’t care if she’s upset or not? Turns out he didn’t delete her. Don’t you think if he didn’t care about her he’d of just kept her deleted, what do you think? He’s kept her for a reason 

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1 hour ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Don’t you think if he didn’t care about her he’d of just kept her deleted, what do you think? He’s kept her for a reason 

I think that everybody has told you: Yes, he has left the door open. Yes, he still cares about her. Yes, he's still probably hoping to sleep with her again. Yes, he will most likely reach out to her, or wait to hear from her. Yes, she is still on his mind. Yes, he wants to be able to contact her again. Yes, if he isn't already sleeping with her, he will eventually be sleeping her again in the future. No, he isn't willing to give up the relationship with her. Yes, if it was truly over, her number would be gone. Yes, he's either in active communication with her, or he wants to be able to pick up where he left off. 

If I seem repetitive, it's because I'm going through and paraphrasing people's previous responses to this one question that you've been asking over and over again. And I've only focused on one of three pages of responses so far.

You're obsessed with this one question, and meanwhile aren't paying any attention to what YOU actually want from this relationship.

How can anyone help you if you refuse to acknowledge and address your own wants and needs???

You've had your answer many times over. Now, what are you going to do?

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18 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I think that everybody has told you: Yes, he has left the door open. Yes, he still cares about her. Yes, he's still probably hoping to sleep with her again. Yes, he will most likely reach out to her, or wait to hear from her. Yes, she is still on his mind. Yes, he wants to be able to contact her again. Yes, if he isn't already sleeping with her, he will eventually be sleeping her again in the future. No, he isn't willing to give up the relationship with her. Yes, if it was truly over, her number would be gone. Yes, he's either in active communication with her, or he wants to be able to pick up where he left off. 

If I seem repetitive, it's because I'm going through and paraphrasing people's previous responses to this one question that you've been asking over and over again. And I've only focused on one of three pages of responses so far.

You're obsessed with this one question, and meanwhile aren't paying any attention to what YOU actually want from this relationship.

How can anyone help you if you refuse to acknowledge and address your own wants and needs???

You've had your answer many times over. Now, what are you going to do?

I don’t know what I’m going to do..

I think I was wondering if someone would say he’s only kept her to stop her getting upset again but you’re right, it would be gone. 

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1 minute ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

he’s only kept her to stop her getting upset again

But even if that were true, don't you see that he is prioritizing someone else over you, your marriage, and your two children?

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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

But even if that were true, don't you see that he is prioritizing someone else over you, your marriage, and your two children?

The chances of it being true are unlikely though, it’s because he wants her there 

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2 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

The chances of it being true are unlikely though, it’s because he wants her there 

Wow, you really think it makes a difference. It doesn't though.

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7 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

It does to me. Because if it would be just him keeping her there incase she gets upset and not because he actually wants her there

Wow. I'm really sad that you can't see how misogynistic this is. It's a reflection on your own self worth, as well. I hope that one day, you think more of yourself, and of women in general.

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4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Wow. I'm really sad that you can't see how misogynistic this is. It's a reflection on your own self worth, as well. I hope that one day, you think more of yourself, and of women in general.

Can’t you see what I’m asking?

 

if he has only kept her number incase she gets upset and not because he actually wants/needs it there - is this the case or would it be gone if it was only a case of her getting upset. 
 

mot misogynistic - it’s still awful but I’d rather that than him actually wanting/needing her there

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