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Please help me, feel so lost.


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26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He does have her number saved.

I presume he didn't apologize or express regret or love for you and your kids (since you refuse to say if he did or didn't and instead keep fixating on this number thing).

"If" means nothing because he did not delete her number. What that "means" is irrelevant. Although I presume you'll ask the same question yet again.

Do you plan to stay married to him? Can you accept that he has a mistress? 

You may think I’m fixating it but if he didn’t have it saved in his phone don’t you think that would at least be a small step to working on things with us? 
and yes, he said all those things mentioned, however the number is still saved which is what I meant by those words meaning nothing. 

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Maybe the bigger question is.. do you want to be wondering about this the rest of your life? If he deletes her off his phone.. well.......... what about the next woman down on the list? Is he also che

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this and you seem to be in shock - rumination on small details is sometimes the only way the brain can handle vast emotional distress, which I'm sure you'

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You'll have to ask him or talk with him if he's interested in working things out with you. 

What we do know is that he's afraid of you and you seem so unsure and hurt that he hasn't left the past behind.

 

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You'll have to ask him or talk with him if he's interested in working things out with you. 

What we do know is that he's afraid of you and you seem so unsure and hurt that he hasn't left the past behind.

 

I don’t understand why people aren’t understanding me - if he was interested in working things out with me wouldn’t the number be the first thing to go?

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1 minute ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I don’t understand why people aren’t understanding me - if he was interested in working things out with me wouldn’t the number be the first thing to go?

Yes. This was answered on Page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 (here).

Yes. The answer is Yes. It would be gone.

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7 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I take responsibility about having another baby. I know I need to be brutally honest here - after our son was born things weren’t good. My h is an amazing dad. He is very close with our 1st. When I started mentioning that we should try for another he wasn’t happy about it. Our friends were happily having their second baby, why aren’t we. I was already pretending, putting up happy smiling photos on Instagram etc. 
I said to him if we didn’t have another he’d lose his first son. I threatened to take him away. I think he was so scared of this, this is why he agreed. 
I’m also not naive, I know men can be unhappy and still have sex with someone. So the fact he seems to have this emotional attachment to her, kills me. 
I had in the back of my mind her words (I’m done if you have another baby with your wife. You’re obviously unhappy so why would you commit yourself further we’re her words). He never told her that I was pregnant with our second and he’s not told her about our second arriving. He’s stuck his head in the sand and he’s not speaking to her because he doesn’t want to risk losing her and that is how much she means to him. 
 

Of course I wanted our son to have a sibling and I don’t regret this at all. 

Why are you making this about them? This about your husband repeatedly lying and cheating on you.  He is not done with her and I can guarantee he will cheat with others in the future.  This man does not love or respect you.  You are not “naive” and he does not have his “head in the sand,” you both know what is going on.  It is time for you to start to make some responsible decisions. This is a toxic environment for you and your kids, you need to end this marriage.  Good dads do not cheat on their families. 

Time to look at the big picture: your husband is a cheater and your marriage is not working due to his lack of character.  Stop focusing on this phone number and be real with yourself.  I am sorry I am being harsh, but you are on a hamster wheel here, choosing to focus on that number. 

have you shared this with family and friends?  If not,  you should. 

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4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is terrible. 

The both of you need to stop using these kids as pawns in your marriage problems. The kids deserve better than this. 

Both of you engage in destructive behaviour, and the children are the ones who will ultimately pay the biggest price for your poor choices. 

Very disturbing. 
 

I cannot understand why she is so desparate to keep someone who has treated her and her kids so badly.  This is not love. 

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27 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I don’t understand why people aren’t understanding me - if he was interested in working things out with me wouldn’t the number be the first thing to go?

He is not interested in working things out.  He does not love you.  

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39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is it you wish to hear? 

I knew I came on here realising I wasn’t going to hear what I wanted to hear. 
 

he said he deleted her but then she got upset so he kept her number. 
 

im trying to work out if there is more to it than that because to me, if I had no feelings for her, it was over etc, it wouldn’t matter how upset she is, he’d block her 

 

i just need to know if I’m alone in thinking that 

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2 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I knew I came on here realising I wasn’t going to hear what I wanted to hear. 
 

he said he deleted her but then she got upset so he kept her number. 
 

im trying to work out if there is more to it than that because to me, if I had no feelings for her, it was over etc, it wouldn’t matter how upset she is, he’d block her 

 

i just need to know if I’m alone in thinking that 

No you are not alone thinking that. You are thinking correctly.

Unfortunately, your husband is a lying cheater who continues to bs you and you know this. You are not crazy, it's just difficult to accept that what you are seeing is what it is. He is still a cheater.

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4 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

he said he deleted her but then she got upset so he kept her number. 

So he lied. All cheaters do that.

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4 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

No. I asked him why he had her number. He said he had deleted it but then she got upset so he put it back in his phone 

You don't need to ask the same question anymore. Your answer is right there.

He is more concerned with his mistress's feelings than he is with making your marriage work. That is why he keeps her number.

No need to ask "but if he really wanted to fix the marriage wouldn't you think he'd delete her number?" yet again. You have the answer.

Real question is, what do you think YOU should do?

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10 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

 I asked him why he had her number. He said he had deleted it but then she got upset so he put it back in his phone 

So which of these lies is the lie? He deleted it? She got upset? He reentered it?

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So which of these lies is the lie? He deleted it? She got upset? He reentered it?

I don’t know. 
 

I asked him why he kept her number. 
 

he said ‘ had deleted her, but then she reached out upset that she had been deleted (she knew because his profile photo disappeared), so I re entered her number’ 

 

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15 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

No. I asked him why he had her number. He said he had deleted it but then she got upset so he put it back in his phone 

Well there you go. He'd rather worry about the side piece than about his marriage to you. And why not? You already caught him cheating and didn't do anything about it, didn't divorce him. No consequences whatsoever. This cheater is sitting in YOUR parents house nice and cozy dining with YOUR family while you smile pretend.

He is a cheater. You KNOW this. He is keeping her number and you know why. So what are you going to do about it???? Keep pretending or start making better choices for you and your kids. Btw, good dads do not cheat on their family and just like he is messing you up, he will mess up the kids as well. Make no mistake about it.

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17 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Well there you go. He'd rather worry about the side piece than about his marriage to you. And why not? You already caught him cheating and didn't do anything about it, didn't divorce him. No consequences whatsoever. This cheater is sitting in YOUR parents house nice and cozy dining with YOUR family while you smile pretend.

He is a cheater. You KNOW this. He is keeping her number and you know why. So what are you going to do about it???? Keep pretending or start making better choices for you and your kids. Btw, good dads do not cheat on their family and just like he is messing you up, he will mess up the kids as well. Make no mistake about it.

Do you think he even wanted to delete her in the first place? If all it took was her getting upset for her to be put back in?

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1 hour ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I knew I came on here realising I wasn’t going to hear what I wanted to hear. 
 

he said he deleted her but then she got upset so he kept her number. 
 

im trying to work out if there is more to it than that because to me, if I had no feelings for her, it was over etc, it wouldn’t matter how upset she is, he’d block her 

 

i just need to know if I’m alone in thinking that 

He cheated on you!   It does not matter.  You cannot trust him.  He cares for her and wants to continue with her.  As mentioned, if it isn't her it will be someone else.  

Please stop focusing on the number.  Look at all of his actions. No more about the number!

 

Edited by Hollyj
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Just now, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Do you think he even wanted to delete her in the first place? If all it took was her getting upset for her to be put back in?

I doubt that he ever did. I suspect that he is very much blowing smoke in your face as usual hoping that you'll accept his excuse and keep quiet and carry on pretending that all is well. 

Even if he did delete it and then added it back in, makes no difference. He is still lying to you about her and still hoping that you'll just shut up and keep pretending to be a happy family while he screws around on you and his kids.

I know you really want this to be something other than what it looks like, but it's not. It's exactly what it looks like - a lying cheater lying and cheating.

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Just now, Hollyj said:

He cheated on you!   It does not matter.  You cannot trust him.  He cares for her and wants to continue with her.  As mentioned, if it isn't her it will be someone else.  

I agree with what you’re saying but do you even think he wanted to delete her in the first place? She was obviously easily re entered when he could have just stood his ground and said look it’s done 

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I give up. Six pages on and you haven't listened to a word.  You keep on repeating the same thing, over and over.

Edited by Hollyj
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6 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I agree with what you’re saying but do you even think he wanted to delete her in the first place? She was obviously easily re entered when he could have just stood his ground and said look it’s done 

If he ever wanted to delete her she'd be deleted and stay that way.

In fact, she'd be completely blocked and have no chance to "complain" about her feelings to him in the first place. 

Edited by DancingFool
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No. I don't think he ever wanted to delete her in the first place.

 

Actually, the very fact that you found her number again, but that it was listed under a man's name suggests he lied to you and never originally deleted her to begin with. He changed the name of her contact to "Bill" or "Joe" or whatever to throw you off the scent.

 

Even if he originally did delete her and what he says is true about her getting upset, why would it even matter??

 

If he's going to cow to her anger or being upset, then he's still valuing her, her feelings, her opinion, and the ability to stay in her good graces over his promises to you that he was done with her, sorry for hurting you, and wanting to work things out.

 

Which means:

 

NO. HE NEVER WANTED TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH YOU.  HE WAS NEVER SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING RID OF HER.

 

I'm sorry. I know that's a hard pill to swallow, but swallow it you must.

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My hubs would keep numbers, and emotionally cheat, and this is who they are.  Even with marriage and two kids, all you are seeing is the tip of his iceberg - he is selfish. He keeps that number because he is selfish.  He keeps that number because he is completely inconsiderate.

He can love you enough to marry and have kids with you, but his selfishness will trump any of your life together.

Get your finances in order - look for any hidden finances. Screen shot any emails, text exchanges, etc.  While he is using his phone less, it just means, he has figured out another outlet to keep tabs on her, whether FB, email, mail, in person while you sleep, etc.  Update banking information, move money. And take notes on how he treats the children.

I know you don't want to deal with this, and you think you're a good person, so things will work out, but you need to wake up. He is not a good guy, and we don't always marry a good person.

Mine has never physically cheated, and we have taken years to get to a better place. But I only trust him as far as I can throw.  I've deleted and block those women myself. I still resent him from time to time.  And I had everything ready,  to get custody of the kids and the house.  And what your hubs did is wretched, and I know it's easier to just think because things are okay, that he's no longer gonna be a scumbag.  But nah, your hubs is a scumbag, and you need to be ready, or you will just find you and, or your kids out on your bums, or your kids have a new mommy because you wouldn't kick his arse from here to next Tuesday.

Who the hell cares why that number is in his phone??? You're missing the big picture.  He cheated, and still kept the number, and instead of throwing his phone in a toilet, you're asking us if it means anything. It doesn't matter what it means. It's still in his phone. What are you going to do about it? That's what you need to ask. You shouldn't even give two sh*ts about that other woman's needs. She didn't give one sh*t about yours.

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