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Please help me, feel so lost.


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Maybe the bigger question is.. do you want to be wondering about this the rest of your life? If he deletes her off his phone.. well.......... what about the next woman down on the list? Is he also che

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this and you seem to be in shock - rumination on small details is sometimes the only way the brain can handle vast emotional distress, which I'm sure you'

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27 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

My husband cheated on me and I’ve just discovered that he kept her number. 

Sorry this happened. how did you discover his cheating? Did he confess or did you come across it? Is this a co-worker?

Have you chosen to reconcile? Has he agreed to marriage therapy? 

Unfortunately, it sounds like he may be laying low but has no intention of ending the affair.

In the meantime consult an attorney so you are informed in the event of a divorce. Also talk to your own therapist privately to unpack and sort if you want to stay.

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7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. how did you discover his cheating? Did he confess or did you come across it? Is this a co-worker?

Have you chosen to reconcile? Has he agreed to marriage therapy? 

Unfortunately, it sounds like he may be laying low but has no intention of ending the affair.

In the meantime consult an attorney so you are informed in the event of a divorce. Also talk to your own therapist privately to unpack and sort if you want to stay.

Hi, thanks for responding..to be honest with you I checked his phone. No messages (I know they could have been deleted) but to be honest, he has barely been on his phone due to being in the house with me because of covid, and he knows I keep an eye on him. 
would you say the only reason for him to have that number is to contact her? 

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47 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

 

If you cheated on your wife/gf/partner and it was over, would you keep the contact details in your phone of the person you cheated with?

If yes, why?

My husband cheated on me and I’ve just discovered that he kept her number. 
 

 

Nope, not a chance.

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21 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

would you say the only reason for him to have that number is to contact her? 

He doesn't actually have to have it in his phone for them to chat. She can call, or they can chat a multitude of other ways. Is this a coworker? 

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't actually have to have it in his phone for them to chat. She can call, or they can chat a multitude of other ways. Is this a coworker? 

No, they worked on a project once but she works for a different company. 
 

in a way it’s even worse then, it being saved in his phone, isn’t that a huge risk? 

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Maybe the bigger question is.. do you want to be wondering about this the rest of your life? If he deletes her off his phone.. well.......... what about the next woman down on the list? Is he also cheating with her? 

You're going through his phone which suggests there's no trust or you're both working hard to rebuild that trust and it's Still. Not. Working. I'm very sorry. Do weigh your options and whether this marriage is still viable.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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40 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Maybe the bigger question is.. do you want to be wondering about this the rest of your life? If he deletes her off his phone.. well.......... what about the next woman down on the list? Is he also cheating with her? 

You're going through his phone which suggests there's no trust or you're both working hard to rebuild that trust and it's Still. Not. Working. I'm very sorry. Do weigh your options and whether this marriage is still viable.

Hi, yes agree with what you’re saying but for right now the only thing I can think about is the number. So in your opinion would you say he’s kept it for a reason 

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27 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Hi, yes agree with what you’re saying but for right now the only thing I can think about is the number. So in your opinion would you say he’s kept it for a reason 

In my opinion, my heart would probably break into a billion pieces (all over again) and I would stop caring about the people in his phone.. It doesn't make sense and it's too painful to live through (again) so bags would be packed. 

You have to ask yourself at what cost, at what cost is all this to you? Why ask these questions? It's costing you your peace of mind so I would not ask these questions. I would leave.

 

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2 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

If you cheated on your wife/gf/partner and it was over, would you keep the contact details in your phone of the person you cheated with?

If I cheated on my boyfriend, and wanted to stay with my boyfriend, that contact information would be GONE.

2 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

would you say the only reason for him to have that number is to contact her? 

I can't think of another reason. Can you? It's certainly not something you forget is there.

2 hours ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I keep an eye on him. 

Wouldn't you rather be with someone you can trust?

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Yup, I agree with above.

Not sure when or for how long he cheated on you, with her?

But, it surely affected your relationship now 😞 .

Why do you feel you should 'keep your eye on him'?

Trust is broken, isn't it?  Why continue on like this?  ( So you can constantly wondering 'what if'?).

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Yes, he's kept it because he isn't done with her. 

Even if they're not communicating right now, he is leaving a channel open for the future. How long ago did you discover the affair, and how long had it been happening? (to your knowledge)

Whether he keeps it in his phone or not is rather beside the point, as the others have mentioned. His heart and mind are not with you, unfortunately. 

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8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

If I cheated on my boyfriend, and wanted to stay with my boyfriend, that contact information would be GONE.

I can't think of another reason. Can you? It's certainly not something you forget is there.

Wouldn't you rather be with someone you can trust?

The only other reason I could think of is maybe he’s scared to delete her? Maybe she would get upset/consequences? But even then that shows he’s putting her feelings first and he could just block her every time she made contact if that was the case? 

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58 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

The only other reason I could think of is maybe he’s scared to delete her? Maybe she would get upset/consequences? But even then that shows he’s putting her feelings first and he could just block her every time she made contact if that was the case? 

Scared of what, exactly? 

He isn't scared of upsetting you by keeping her number, so that theory holds no water. 

OP, you already know the reason he's kept it. I realize it's painful to come to terms with, but you have to start getting real with yourself about this. 

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6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Scared of what, exactly? 

He isn't scared of upsetting you by keeping her number, so that theory holds no water. 

OP, you already know the reason he's kept it. I realize it's painful to come to terms with, but you have to start getting real with yourself about this. 

Sorry, I meant scared of upsetting her. 
 

would you say that even if they aren’t speaking right now he knows he will eventually reach out and that’s why he’s kept it? 

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1 minute ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

Sorry, I meant scared of upsetting her. 
 

would you say that even if they aren’t speaking right now he knows he will eventually reach out and that’s why he’s kept it? 

I know what you meant. It just doesn't make any sense when he's clearly not afraid of upsetting you. So, that's not it. He's not scared of her reaction. 

And yes, I would say that's exactly why he's kept her number. He doesn't plan to let go of her completely. 

With due respect, do you genuinely not understand this? 

 

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4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I know what you meant. It just doesn't make any sense when he's clearly not afraid of upsetting you. So, that's not it. He's not scared of her reaction. 

And yes, I would say that's exactly why he's kept her number. He doesn't plan to let go of her completely. 

With due respect, do you genuinely not understand this? 

 

In my mind, if he was happy with me, that number would be gone. At the very least deleted, if not blocked. 

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Just now, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

In my mind, if he was happy with me, that number would be gone. At the very least deleted, if not blocked. 

Yes, you're absolutely correct. The affair was your confirmation of that, reallt, but keeping her number is further evidence of his attachment to her and detachment from you. 

So now you have to ask yourself if you still want to be married to someone who's no longer invested in you. 

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4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, you're absolutely correct. The affair was your confirmation of that, reallt, but keeping her number is further evidence of his attachment to her and detachment from you. 

So now you have to ask yourself if you still want to be married to someone who's no longer invested in you. 

I wasn’t going to share this mainly because I was scared of other people’s reaction but I know I have to be honest on here to get honesty back. 
so one of the many messages I saw between them was if he had another baby with me, she’d be gone forever, she’s never speak to him again’. (We already have a young son) so, without him knowing I had seen that message - I pushed for another baby. Even though he said we had our hands full with our son (which was true). This wasn’t the only reason I wanted another I did want our son to have a sibling but yes, that message drove it. 
he never told her, because he is not blocked or deleted from her end (I know this because it’s via WhatsApp and you can tell when someone has been). So the fact he hasn’t told her says that he’s scared of losing her. 
my feeling is he’s laying low for now and trying to figure out how to tell her without losing her

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1 hour ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

 maybe he’s scared to delete her? Maybe she would get upset/consequences? 

You really need to talk to your therapist and attorney about all this.

You're going in circles obsessing over what it means.

When in fact you're trying to guess what the odds are that it's over or that he'll keep cheating with her or someone else .

You're trying to read tealeaves here. But! but! but! what does it mean that the number is still in his phone!?!?!?

Stop. He cheated. You need to address that. Get your head out of the sand.

You clearly have not even talked about the cheating. Does he even know you know about it? 

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21 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

I wasn’t going to share this mainly because I was scared of other people’s reaction but I know I have to be honest on here to get honesty back. 
so one of the many messages I saw between them was if he had another baby with me, she’d be gone forever, she’s never speak to him again’. (We already have a young son) so, without him knowing I had seen that message - I pushed for another baby. Even though he said we had our hands full with our son (which was true). This wasn’t the only reason I wanted another I did want our son to have a sibling but yes, that message drove it. 

What a mess. 

Being afraid of others' reactions suggests that you know you're going to hear what you don't want to hear, which is that your marriage is over in all but name. 

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43 minutes ago, ReallyNeedAdvice0 said:

So the fact he hasn’t told her says that he’s scared of losing her. 

It also says that he's a manipulative, self-centered wanker who isn't willing to respect other people's wants and needs, but will lie and cheat to get what he wants or needs from them.

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