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My “complex” situation.


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Preface and a little about myself

Ok, let me preface this, I am in no way condoning or saying that what I am doing with this girl Is in anyway appropriate.  I feel like an idiot and somewhat bad for getting in this situation, but as they say, the heart wants what it cannot get.  Also, a little about myself, I haven’t had the most experience in dating and relationships.  I have dated women but have never had it advance to a stable relationship.  I have a very complex past, the best way to describe it is to say i am in no way recognizable, got fit changed my life, and fixed my personality and social issues.  In other words, became a stable, growth driven, sociable man.  My goal with this is to share my situation and maybe get your thoughts on my situation, and somewhat vent because this is the most emotionally testing time in my life.

In The Beginning….(how we met)

About two years ago I started a new position at work, the environment is rapidly changing, I am rapidly changing as a person, we get a new employee in my office, but different department.  She was very quiet soft spoken and did not converse with us much.  Initially she does not notice my existence, my job is the technical side of the company while her title is more clerical in nature.  Our group in the office is super tight knit, we all consider each other close friends than coworkers to the point that we all hang out after work.  We would joke around a lot at work, always laughing and having a good time.  One day she decides to jump in on the fun.  I always joke around in the office and she takes notice of my humor, to which she enjoys.  We begin to talk and get to know each other over a few months and become close friends, at least in my mind. 

The Plot Thickens (the other guy)

We would go out for drinks with other coworkers and constantly talk and enjoy each other’s company.  This went on for 6 months, until people started noticing.  They would ask me if we were together, or if we are dating because of how inseparable we are.  It was around this time that I started to catch feelings for her, and her body language would tell me it may also be mutual, but one question was plaguing my mind.  Did she have a boyfriend? She told me she a little about her homelife etc., but no mention of a man in her life, but this would become painfully apparent.  A few days later, we had a BBQ at a co workers house, everyone was invited, I get there early to help prepare the food, and to my shock and disappointment, she arrived with her boyfriend.  My heart sunk, I realized its over before it even started.  She introduces me to him, we have some conversations, I find out he lives with her and they have been together for two years, I do not really have a bad opinion on him, but her interaction with him and vice versa was very… stale.  And the entire time she was by my side, having a good time, while he goes off to the back yard to smoke. 

My failure to act and reaction

After that party, I was emotionally devastated, I do not know what to think and I do not know what to do.  I did not want to address the elephant in the room with her.  But my friends at the party saw the situation and encouraged me to tell her how I feel (I have never done this to anyone, especially in person).  They set up a movie date for us and the others, but now she brought him with her, so I decide not to do it.  I did not want to be in this situation, So I told myself, “I am happy with her, I may not be the man in her life, but at least I can enjoy her friendship every day at work, maybe things will change!”  They did not.  In fact, it was pure hell.  I went a good year and a half lingering in the friend zone.  We have our moments of closeness with each other, but its pure hell for me emotionally, my soul wants to cry out in pain, and tell her how I feel, but I know it is socially wrong.  how would she react, would things get weird at work, would she exit my life after I tell her? These questions plagued my mind the entirety of 2020. 

Finally telling her

Near the end of 2020, she starts acting different.  She does not go out with us much, and when she does, he is not around.  She never mentions him, and when anyone asks, her response is very vague.  I start to suspect that they are having issues.  I could see it from day one.  At around January of this year.  My anxiety and emotional pain were just too much to bear.  I was tired and alone.  I cannot eat, I cannot sleep I am contemplating just leaving my hometown, I just wanted to escape so bad!  Valentines’ day is coming up, I told myself its now or never! I need to end my pain, I need closure!  I get her a very thoughtful gift and plan to tell her at work.  We have extensive conversations at work when its slow, so i tell the guys to make themselves scarce for a bit and tell her I have something for her, “oh, you do?” she says, I show her the gift and she absolutely loves it! I am ecstatic, I tell her “can we talk a minute?” “about what” she says with concern.  I tell her to just hear me out,  She was getting ready to visit another office and decided to wait to hear me out.  And that is when I tell her.

“we’ve known each other for a long time and in that time, we have grown to be close friends, and I want to be honest with you, I have very strong feelings for you, I have for the last few years and I know your in a relationship, I don’t know how long, and I don’t know how serious it is, but I just need you to know, how special you are to me.”

Her response was pure shock, she had no idea I had these feelings for her, she kept telling me, “i.. I just don’t know what to say!” I reassure her, “you don’t have to say anything, I don’t expect you to say anything at this point, I just want you to know how much I care about you!” to which she said in a excited nervous tone “I never thought you cared for me that way, I appreciate you, and you are special to me too!” we kept talking about ourselves, I told her how these last few years were an emotional rollercoaster for me, she understood and told me that she has been having issues at home and hinted it was with her BF, and that she is just taking it day by day right now, she doesn’t know what the future holds.  I told her “maybe he’s the one, or maybe he’s not, I don’t know, and I am not the one to tell you he is or not, but if you have the same feelings for me as I do to you, and you want to have a life with me, I would do as much as I can to help you!  If not, then… it’s something I’ll have to accept.” We talked about all the good times we had together, and the conversation would have just kept going if it were not for my coworkers walking in, she said, “I have to go to the other office, they are probably pissed I’m Hella late hahaha, I am really happy we had this conversation!” I said, “me too”, and we parted our ways.  The next week we are all the same, but I noticed she is much more vocal with me and seeks me out even more than before we had a company lunch were, we went to out to eat (patio dining) and we were inseparable.  Laughing and having such an amazing time. The others were telling me that we look so cute together and to a degree it bothers me, because she is still in a relationship, but I am hopeful for the future!

Sorry for the essay, but Now I ask your comments opinions and even advice on my situation has anyone had any similar situations?  There are sometimes where I feel I am overstepping my bounds with her and I do not want to make it weird, I told her at the last gathering we had she looks so beautiful and in hindsight, it may have been a little too forward (I know, pathetic lol)

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Well, I understand why you told her how you felt. However, I think you should tread carefully for a couple of reasons.

First, you are head-over-heels and probably not making the best decisions at the moment. Second, she is in a relationship and that should be respected. Third, the two of you work together and have mutual friends. 

There are a lot of ways for this to go badly. 

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1 hour ago, soc19 said:

But my friends at the party saw the situation and encouraged me to tell her how I feel (I have never done this to anyone, especially in person).  They set up a movie date for us and the others, but now she brought him with her, so I decide not to do it.  I did not want to be in this situation, So I told myself, “I am happy with her, I may not be the man in her life, but at least I can enjoy her friendship every day at work, maybe things will change!”  They did not.  In fact, it was pure hell.  I went a good year and a half lingering in the friend zone.

- Okay, so friendzone, if you can handle it.

BUT, as mentioned. this lady is a co-worker and in a relationship.. yah, a few awkward issue's with this.

 

1 hour ago, soc19 said:

I told her “maybe he’s the one, or maybe he’s not, I don’t know, and I am not the one to tell you he is or not, but if you have the same feelings for me as I do to you, and you want to have a life with me, I would do as much as I can to help you!  If not, then… it’s something I’ll have to accept.”

- This.. was a little much!  You just went kinda OVER board with all of this... YOU have never been involved.  You do not know her much other than hanging out & at work.

As mentoned above,, yah, she now knows you are extremely into her and all.. but is a little much.  And you are not making the wisest choices, imo.

You need to calm it all down!  You went there, you ended up approaching this co-worker of your emotions- and may have said a little too much.

Even if they were to split up, she would still have to deal with all of that for a while- and not be in the 'right mind' to just jump into another relationship.

Where you are right now, willing & ready, she is not. So, you really should just let things simmer.. No expecations- because yah, can spell a whole lot of grief and a hot mess.

How about you tend to what you need to at your workplace and stop attending everything she does (avoid all the gathering, especially if its just to see her!).

RESPECT the fact she is not available... and keep yourself in tact.

Do other things.. get a life... and don't expect much.. and fps, tone things down and focus on you.  Get your sleep, eat well... etc.

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She didn't know you felt that way? that's a lie, yes she did, that's why she started bringing her BF around...the silent boundary of where you stood...in the friends zone. She used you emotionally because she wasn't getting it from her bf. The attention you gave her, she was sucking it up like she was so thirsty. Her "surprised" reaction to the gift etc, that's an act. It didn't surprise her in the least. She's got you on the side for now while you are letting her have her cake and eat it too.

Is there a future? Not too sure about that, but you need to stop what you are doing or she will never dump her bf. You need to explain to her you would like to spend time with her but since she is still in a relationship you will respectfully distance yourself. Then see what she does.

A warning tho. If this is how she handles her issues by flirting with someone outside the relationship, that makes her a cheater, and she will have np doing it to you if you two get together.

Edited by smackie9
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Take a deep breath. Don't let this affect your work, stay professional and keep your distance. Take your cue from her. She is dealing with the coworker thing very well while you're spiraling out of control and your emotions are causing you to think of quitting your job. Try stepping back a bit.

Focus more on you, less on her. You did mention that the past few years have been a rollercoaster for you. Why? You're now plunged into a brand new rollercoaster all over again. 

She's not available either so let this one go. It doesn't mean letting your job go either. Let the dust settle, clear your mind and date single, available women. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Stay away from her, OP. 

You are setting yourself up to get hurt. She enjoys your company but she's still with her boyfriend. The risk is that you become her "surrogate" boyfriend fulfilling her emotional needs and desire for attention, while still remaining firmly in the Friend Zone. 

Unless and until she is single, stop these hangouts and emotional conversations. It will only pain you to think you're growing closer while she still goes home to her boyfriend. 

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Look I'm sorry to be a Grinch and say it so bluntly, but I don't really think she's interested in you in that way. If she's being honest that she had no idea you felt that way, that means she never felt that way herself. When someone had admitted they were into me, but I had no idea, that was because I never thought of them like that and it never even crossed my mind. 

Also this girl never hung out with you alone or anything, it was always at work functions and catch ups. It's not like she ever wanted to organise anything only for you two alone. Even your friendship with her exists pretty much just at work. Unfortunately I do think you've been friend zoned. Don't torture yourself dude, you need to try to move on!

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As someone who was in a similar position once upon a time... It's a delightful self delusion to cling to her.

It took me over a decade to get untangled, even to the point she invited me to her wedding!!

Glad you got the emotional burden off your shoulders, it's a terrible weight to carry around every time you see her. Now that it's done however, it is time for you to look for a direction to put your energy into. She is not available, and until you allow yourself to be open to new experiences; you aren't available either (even with her).

My best piece of advice, start looking for new outlets for your energy. Find new things to do with your friends, and ask them to keep an eye out for good women.

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  • 1 month later...

Hello all, 

Thank you for all of the great advice!  It definitely helped me deal with this situation, and develop the proper mindset, 

a bit of an update:

Things have escalated in the past few weeks, she invited me out for a drink over the weekend.  long story short.  she finally came clean that she feels something for me.  She also informed me that her BF is no longer in the picture, (apparently this happened before I told her how I felt, the relationship was falling apart for a while, and they both agreed it was time to move on).  we are taking it slow right now to see how things go.  The last few days have been the most happiest I've had in a long time and from what I can tell, the feeling is mutual!  We have a date planned this weekend, words cannot describe how excited I am!

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11 hours ago, soc19 said:

Hello all, 

Thank you for all of the great advice!  It definitely helped me deal with this situation, and develop the proper mindset, 

a bit of an update:

Things have escalated in the past few weeks, she invited me out for a drink over the weekend.  long story short.  she finally came clean that she feels something for me.  She also informed me that her BF is no longer in the picture, (apparently this happened before I told her how I felt, the relationship was falling apart for a while, and they both agreed it was time to move on).  we are taking it slow right now to see how things go.  The last few days have been the most happiest I've had in a long time and from what I can tell, the feeling is mutual!  We have a date planned this weekend, words cannot describe how excited I am!

What does "taking it slow" mean and why "take it slow" -if she is single and you are why not just go on dates and take things at a reasonable pace? What I would slow down is how you are reacting - feeling excited is normal. I'd react by recognizing that its because you feel you won the prize, at least in part.  Date her at a reasonable pace and keep your feet on the ground even if your head is in the clouds.

Also a drink is fine and I'd stay sober on these dates. 

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15 hours ago, soc19 said:

Hello all, 

Thank you for all of the great advice!  It definitely helped me deal with this situation, and develop the proper mindset, 

a bit of an update:

Things have escalated in the past few weeks, she invited me out for a drink over the weekend.  long story short.  she finally came clean that she feels something for me.  She also informed me that her BF is no longer in the picture, (apparently this happened before I told her how I felt, the relationship was falling apart for a while, and they both agreed it was time to move on).  we are taking it slow right now to see how things go.  The last few days have been the most happiest I've had in a long time and from what I can tell, the feeling is mutual!  We have a date planned this weekend, words cannot describe how excited I am!

Glad to hear but I think you're a rebound. I echo Batya on keeping your feet on the ground.

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I agree with the others.  Keep your feet on the ground and be realistic about what is actually happening. 

From an outsider perspective you are a rebound.  She's monkey branching from her ex to you.  Sounds like she's not one to be alone. 

She's a mess. Regardless of what she says. 

 

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