Is contacting your ex girlfriends ex boyfriend a bad idea??

[DannyM87]

Hi

Its been 7 months since my split from my ex girlfriend. Now from the vile abuse she give me, it hit hard. I started to question myself as a person. I took therapy to help deal with the trauma i put myself and my head in and it helped massively. A while back though when i was struggling, i reaced out to my ex girlfriends ex boyfriend purely to seek answers. Basically asking did she behave in the ways she did to me ie inducing jealously, lying about married men messaging her, guilt trips, silent treatements etc. I never heard anything back. Then out the blue i get more abuse of the ex girlfriend as this has obviously got back to her. Called me such a weirdo and its the most stalker like behavoiur shes experienced and threatened to ring the police on me for stalking, called me an utter narcissist (i've researchedand educated myself on this topic since the last time she called it me) she wants to tell everyone what a warped piece of *** i am, i told her to tell everyone as the people in my life who know me, know i am notthing like she is describing and that her opinion of me means nothing anymore. I've not seen the girl for 7 months, so i know im not a stalker. Also the truth about these married men has actually found me and it was indeed lies, just hearing it confirmed from the blokes mentioned helped my pursuit of answers. I'm just asking was it weird of me to do such a thing? to reach out to see if her behaviours where similar? even though i've grown a lot since and i'm comfortable again in myself. 

Thanks in advance.

[Jibralta]

36 minutes ago, DannyM87 said:

I'm just asking was it weird of me to do such a thing?

Unfortunately, yes. It was weird of you.

You never heard back from her ex, but she did. So, he must think it was pretty weird, too. He may have even been concerned about her having an ex boyfriend who would do something like that.

The relationship is over, and it's time for you to let go of these old gripes. It's not you against her anymore. There are no more 'sides' to take. 

It's time to stop focusing on the past, and to start focusing on your future.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DannyM87 said:

. Called me such a weirdo and its the most stalker like behavoiur shes experienced and threatened to ring the police on me for stalking, 

Sorry this is happening. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

That way you can move forward and stay out of trouble.

[SooSad33]

SHE is reflecting facts abt her own mentality onto you.

She accuses you of things- when you are well aware it is her.

Ignore it.  You get nowhere with these kinds.

As for her past & stories, leave it all alone now.

As for inquiring with her other ex, I did that once (only once).. I had some guy totally freak me out :(.. saw an ex on his fb, yahm we talked- and he was every bit of the uncertain, unstable dude I fiure and walked away- fast & for good!

Some people are not in their right minds & toxic, yes!  You get away from them & stay there.

Now- stay away... work on your own self healing/recovery from that and now count your blessings.. you've caught on & gotten away from it all - plus now you are more aware of those red flags.

[catfeeder]

What did you hope to get from contacting the guy?

[Spawn]

when you go through abuse in a relationship you never keep a touch with them. You are in control of yourself not them. They are your past, so let them stay there forever.

Never go back, just disappear from their life and make a really good life for yourself. 

[MissCanuck]

On 3/4/2021 at 11:14 AM, DannyM87 said:

 I'm just asking was it weird of me to do such a thing? 

Yes, it was. 

I get you were desperate and looking for answers, but their former relationship is none of your business. I would be very uncomfortable if an ex's ex reached out to me. 

Learn from this moving forward. Set more appropriate boundaries with yourself, to steer you out of relationships like and away from contacting people you don't know and can't help you. 

[Rose Mosse]

It's a very bad idea. If you feel you might need support or to vent about something, write in a journal, speak to a trusted friend, sleep on it. Don't do anything that can come back to haunt you or affect you negatively in the future. I would consider this on par with contacting an ex's family or relatives after a break up to gain information or snoop on that person or manipulate someone else's life or decision to leave or end the relationship. It just doesn't look good no matter how badly you want to know. 

Some things are better not known. Remember that you have the ability to free yourself from these burdens and heavy burning questions. Just walk away. 

 

[melancholy123]

I think it was weird and creepy of you to contact the ex bf.  What did you hope to gain?  Did you not think he'd tell her?  Very naive of you.

Block and delete her and move on.  It's over.  If you can't get past this then go back to therapy.

 

[Hollyj]

You should not have done that!

Please return to therapy.

[DannyM87]

Thanks all for your honest opinions I accept now that my mental health is fine, I probably should not have done it. I did it I suppose to ease my mind sort of speak, trying to figure out her she operates and if the patterns I experienced she did previously, again now weren't my best move as the past is the past. I weren't thinking clearly due to the verbal onslaught I received making me question myself. There is no way now of her ever getting in touch. The fact she couldn't acknowledge the lies she told when presented with the truth said a lot. I have really learned a lot from this experience not only about what types of people to avoid but also about myself and have recognised certain flaws in me that I'm currently correcting.

Thanks again for your help.

[Rose Mosse]

You'll meet a rare liar that chooses to come out from hiding and admit a lie. It's usually under pressure or when discovered that they can't support a facade any longer. In this case she was already out of your life. What else does she have to prove to you? You have no hold over each other and there's no reason to talk to you, let alone admit anything even if she was an awful person. 

I'm saying this anyway to encourage you to move on. There's no good way to resuscitate this relationship. Your best ticket to survival and enjoying the rest of your life as away from someone who you think treated you badly. You don't need anyone's permission or proof to do that.  

[Betterwithout]

6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You'll meet a rare liar that chooses to come out from hiding and admit a lie. It's usually under pressure or when discovered that they can't support a facade any longer.

So sad, and so true!

[Seraphim]

Trying to make sense of abuse is futile. I have been trying to make sense of it my entire life. Waste of time. Don’t bother . If you say you’re fine now just move on with your life.